Any advice ? Need a chat - anyone else’s input really appreciated x

[Ele01]

I have posted a discussed with a couple of people the situation below I have copy and pasted the original discussion however anyone else have any input on this? I was thinking of writing a letter to my ex to stating how I feel but I don’t want to come off as emotional and that’s hard to do not do and the position he has left our child in etc no closure or anything after I divorced him - should I just leave it as it is? ie I have never stopped a relationship or used child as divorce pawn I have never stood in way in a relationship with his child but read below for a more what’s going on please. I’m having a bad day I’m alone today as my child is at her friends on a play date and just thinking ... I don’t speak to anyone regarding this , I would appreciate people’s wisdom and advice / chat

Original post:
I have looked at a few similar posts but not exactly related to my situation, so I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice / general chat.

I have been accused of being abusive by my ex (no police involvement / no record / nothing related to abuse or even anything) however ex and I separated and I filed for divorce we have a child and as soon as we separated my ex corrected me from me saying ‘our child’ to just ‘your child’ which I found odd...since then a few months on not a word - ex won’t discuss anything about child or even ask how child doing / no care shown whatsoever he won’t even say the child’s name hardly or discuss - so I’m a single parent just doing what I’ve always done been there unconditionally for my child and taking care of them. However if my ex truly thought I was abusive why leave the child to me and not show any care for them?
Would people find this a poor excuse if someone randomly heard this?
I feel like ex has done this on purpose.
Any advice or anyone been through a similar situation? ❤️

Appreciated any advice thank you

What would anyone think if you heard this situation but then the dad stays away from his child? I’m just curious how people/ others would view it

Just to be clear.
Your ex left you and your child because he said you were abusive. Your child hasn't seen him since?

He left you and hasn't seen his child?
I think you are probably right, if he truly thought you were abusive he wouldn't have left his child with you without checking in on them, unless he is a sad loser type of man.
Does he contribute financially, or is this his way of saying he's ducking out of all responsibility?

And just to clarify, if I hear of a man not seeing his child, I think the worse of him for it, not the mother.

@Daydrambeliever yes that’s right. I have been ill quite ill that required operations etc and that affected my mental health too it took a toll on the whole marriage but quite abruptly it went from getting over things etc to full on cut off.
Yes he said I was ‘abusive’ and hasn’t seen child since x

@DelphiniumBlue yes that’s right he left and hasn’t seen child since... when he started to say things like the above about our child I filed for divorce. This is what I thought too because surely if that’s what you would think that your partner is ‘abusive’ it wouldn’t make you run off from your child and act cold towards them? It’s so confusing his ‘reasons’ to stay away and yet I’m the one left to deal with everything and I’m supposedly this horrible person so my question was if you thought it was bad why not take child with you and he won’t answer that when I call him out- now it’s just silence he will not speak about our child whatsoever it’s a complete cut off ... and yes so your opinion would be that you would think badly of the man not seeing his child? What if the man said the ex wife was abusive and a psycho etc would you believe him? (From your own experiences) x

Quite honestly I would be unlikely to believe him. I used to do divorce work and I am quite cynical about a) excuses not to see children and b) descriptions of psycho ex wives. As I said before, if he really believed you were abusive he wouldn’t leave his child with you.
I’m asking this again to make the point: does he pay full maintenance for your child?

@DelphiniumBlue he refused to initially discuss it and I tried for about 2 months after separation but because I wasn’t getting anywhere I went through cms and now he does pay through child maintenance last few months x

@DelphiniumBlue our child is adopted but we are mum and dad always have been that’s all the child has known since being a tiny baby - so it’s been very unstable for child to a sudden change however I have been the present loving parent and it doesn’t seem to have affected the child very badly because I did all the care giving anyway when we was a family , it’s affected me more than it has child but I’m hoping it really doesn’t affect further down the line - we’ve always been a family and then my ex started saying child was ‘only legal child’ like really odd comments like that when I said think of our child he would be like ‘legal child’ (like it meant nothing that’s what how it made me feel)- this child has been integrated completely in our family I just can’t get over the carelessness etc- however it doesn’t matter blood or not it seems to be some fathers just do this? But I think it’s the reason he is saying that’s getting to me the most - that I’m here dealing with all this and he’s there having great time and saying he has to stay away from child because he wants nothing to do with me and I’m abusive X

That’s really sad.
He clearly doesn’t see the child as his.
If he’s paying CMS then there’s nothing more you can do.
Time to let go, what he thinks of you doesn’t matter anymore.

@DelphiniumBlue it’s really sad isn’t it - all those years as dad made me feel it meant nothing because our child is ‘adopted’ x

@DelphiniumBlue would it be worth writing a letter or not? I just don’t think anything I say now would make him feel bad or anything because he seems to not care about child... even after everything mediation for child arrangements was sent to him even though he said the things he did etc and he refused it - it he didn’t want contact I asked could he sign consent for residency etc and he refused the mediator , I was left thinking well why not consent for my to have custody etc it’s like he just wants to disappear and never speak of child again like she didn’t exist...yes it is said I think I’m just been left in a limbo but I’m going to have to get on with it :( I’ve tried everything I made plain prior that I would never stop him seeing her and I made plain she missed her grandparents etc and my ex has cut the family off to her - he even told me a few months ago they he won’t send any Christmas gifts etc . That hurt me so much I thought how I’m going to explain that on Christmas Day as she had a big family with lots of presents on ex’s side - my child is old enough to notice if they are not there. I’m so hurt inside and I don’t know if it’s best to just leave it now and never attempt to speak to him first again ? X

When he said you are abusive, abusive to whom? Him? The child?

I feel for you OP. If he is showing no interest in your dd then you can't force it. All you can do is just carry on as best you can with your dd and your family. You have tried, I wouldnt make any more effort. I had a male friend who adopted three children. His wife had an affair and also did not want anything to do with their children and he raised them on his own. Make sure he continues paying for your dd. Legally he is her father and will have joint PR with you. Do you have any involvement still for adoption services. Could they maybe explain to him the effect it may have on your dd??

He probably never bought into adopting your daughter? You can’t make him love her. I hope you and your daughter move on and not waste time seeking his love. He sees it as you adopting your daughter and not him.

@Why2why to him (not to child) - well he didn’t say that he just said my abusive behaviour. We split up had counselling to go to how to handle the separation as my priority was our child etc and that all changed to not seeing her again and it’s been months not a word how child is or anything but seems to be ok to be argumentative and passionate about the divorce settlement but couldn’t ask how his child is but yeah that’s the reason he gave was because I’m abusive and wants nothing to do with me so he wants nothing to do with child - I suggested them see child through 3rd member of family I would keep out the way etc and my ex said no but it’s not so much the seeing it’s the complete lack of regard he won’t ask how she is he won’t acknowledge her at all - so it appears to me he either never so our child as his own even though we raised from a tiny baby or he’s shut off?- and walked away because it’s easier after a separation , I’m not sure but it’s a bad day for me today I just wanted others to talk to I’m on my own and I have no help with my child I just remain strong for her but inside I have been struggling with all this x

@Why2why yeah he wasn’t a hands on father anyway. Maybe it was just all words and not how he felt x

@gonnabeok exactly now matter what I say I can’t force it can’t I? I just feel so awful about the situation. How awful for your male friend having to do it all by himself - what is wrong with these types of people are they just good at pretending? X

Is there no way of speaking to him through a mediator to help separate his issues with you and him parenting his daughter?

He may be letting his anger at you get in the way.

I completely understand how you feel and your sorrow for the rejection of an innocent little child who ought not to be collateral damage. He is either immature or letting his anger towards you cloud his judgement.

Can you speak to one of his family members to help organise a mediator and that mediator really should be independent of both of you. So not a family member.

@Why2why I tried to get a mediator to contact him and it would of been free for him to do to either discuss custody etc or for me to get full residency to give his consent and he refused to all.
...His family have blocked me because my ex has told them to so now I have no contact with anyone, he said it’s for the ‘best’ that’s what he’s said over months x

Well, he sounds like a right bastard. Both and you and your child are much better off without him. I know it's hard ion your own but a person with his character and obvious failings will only drag you down.

Imo there is no point writing a letter. If he can walk away from his lovely child then a letter won't even touch the sides.

Incidentally, it doesn't matter if others believe what he says about abuse. The cold hard facts are he left a child with someone he says is abusive - that speaks volumes.

@MrsBobDylan

Well, he sounds like a right bastard. Both and you and your child are much better off without him. I know it's hard ion your own but a person with his character and obvious failings will only drag you down.

Imo there is no point writing a letter. If he can walk away from his lovely child then a letter won't even touch the sides.

Incidentally, it doesn't matter if others believe what he says about abuse. The cold hard facts are he left a child with someone he says is abusive - that speaks volumes.

I agree, no poont in writing a letter. In his head, he will use it against you, he's not going to turn around and say, "oh I'm sorry, you're right," he'll twist what you say and use it to justify his position. It's a shame his family are backing him up. It might be worth writing to them ( a short letter) explaining that DD misses them and would love to see them, but they've probably already made up their minds. I really think you are best just to move on, he' s made his position very clear.

@MrsBobDylan I’ve tried and I’ve made the point in emails regarding this abuse and it being twisted from when I was ill etc and that if he felt that strong he wouldn’t of left child with me and been horribly cold towards her etc and not even mention her name since it’s like she doesn’t even exist :( I think you’re right what is the point further to keep saying similar things hoping for a different outcome - I agree maybe it won’t even touch sides? And yes if there his thing he is sticking to that I’m too ‘abusive’ etc the cold hard day facts is that it wouldn’t be normal to leave your child any child that you have parental responsibility for be it adopted / biological you wouldn’t emotionally and physically abandon that child - this is exactly what I’ve said to him prior and it’s met with silence so I agree maybe the letter isn’t such a good idea now :( ... I’m just glad to get others opinions too and have a chat - i bottle so much up inside to be strong for my child - I want everything to be as normal as possible x

@DelphiniumBlue I agree there is no point in writing a letter to repeat things I’ve said etc or to try to convince him to be a father etc it’s like begging for him to love her isn’t it? And I’m not going to do that. You’re right In his head, he will use it against me do you think?

it is ashame about his family - For example one of my ex’s parent was supportive right up untill the day of the official split but then silence and blocked ...I have last month briefly messaged from my child’s own mobile explained that she missed her other grandparent etc and that I had tried to organise child mediation etc but since the message i sent I noticed the grandparent read the message but didn’t block it, but didn’t respond to it. I don’t blame them really they are going to side with my ex as it’s their son over anyone, but inside they must be thinking walking entirely away from a child doesn’t seem right.

My ex informed that he would be stopping Christmas and birthday gifts to avoid ‘confusion’ I said to him it’s caused confusion all this and that would cause more confusion and probably only achieve that child given their older age would just think no gifts because they don’t care etc. My ex then said my he’s told his told my mum and dad (child grandma and grandad) and family to stop sending gifts too ...I was shocked about that can you imagine how my daughter will feel when Christmas comes no presents from the other side of family as there are usually lots it would be noticeable :( why would my ex do that what goal would that achieve other than cause hurt to child?- I still don’t understand that to be honest but it’s incredibly hurtful x

@DelphiniumBlue ...and you’re totally right I think I should just leave it and move on :(
(no letter etc) I think I will get some therapy or something and just try to move on so I can continue to be ok for my child x