Missing my abusive ex after a year?

[quirkybird3]

I don't know what is wrong with me.
Something must be... I suspect my ex was a sociopath or something .
I loved him so much but it was really toxic. Even he said so. He was addicted to cocaine and was very paranoid. Constantly accusing me of cheating. He smashed my phones. My tv twice too but denied it and did I just have done it.
He would block me when we fell out. Called me horrible names like whore etc.
He would also text exes when we fell out , he gave me his Facebook password so I could see all this.
We have been apart for a year now and I have heard he still is in touch with exes.. he's gone back to then yet never even asked how I'm doing,
I know what I'm feeling is wrong. I need to move on. But I miss him so much, the good times. I am not interested in anyone else. Just feel like I wasn't good enough. I became very insecure and paranoid and at the end he said I need help etc.
He used to say my private bits were "wide" because I had sex with others. It wasn't true of course.
I just feel so messed up and can't move on.
What is wrong with me, after all this time?

Didn’t want to read and run. Contact Women’s Aid - read their site and seek some counselling. Do you have close friends or family that can support you? If yes talk to them get support. Never go back x

Thank you. No I can't talk to anyone I just pretend I'm fine. But I just don't really feel much better than when it was going on. I keep going over it in my mind.
Some days are better than others I guess. I'm generally down with my mental health currently maybe that's why.

I don't even know if I do miss him, I don't miss the bad stuff for sure. Just the good bits. I know it doesn't make sense though.

This could be about sunken costs. You don't want to pay the capital gains tax on the relationship. Or trauma bonding. Stay strong. Maybe get a therapist.

I think maybe it is trauma bonding. I definitely feel bonded to him somehow which makes me think being apart is wrong. I know that is very irrational and not the case though.
I feel like I wasted my life with him. I guess I thought there was something special underneath all the crap. I know that's just me kidding myself and he probably didn't care. Cos how could he if he went on like that. I just feel so stuck. And I'm 38 now and feel like I'm on the scrapheap or something.
I guess most people can move on easily enough, like he has done. So maybe I was the problem all along as I am the one struggling.
Sorry just venting. I was very down last night when I posted.

You're not the problem. You never were. He was an arsehole. You're the one struggling because you're the one who is/was not a sociopath. I don't say get therapy because there is something wrong with you but simply to help you understand. It might help you move on. You're 38. You're out. Congratulations 😊. That's a great thing. You've got plenty of years ahead of you. Make them your own, one step at a time xx

I think it is because you are remembering the person that you thought he was. I get this too. Its hugely unsettling.

You're not on the scrap heap! Having time being single is hugely important after a toxic relationship. It will take time to move on from your feelings, give yourself permission to grieve what you thought you had. Dont beat yourself up about where youre up to.
Therapy, self help books, new interests, personal development, whatever helps. You'll find your way

Thank you. I'm just exhausted mentally as I'm an over thinker to say the least. I know he was bad for me, he can't have truly cared the way he treated me.
I just struggle to realise that the bad side was probably the true him.
It hurts that he has recycled his previous two exes, although I knew he would.
I do know it doesn't matter too, but there is just a part of me that refuses to let go.
I will look into counselling. But I fear I'll find it hard to talk to someone honestly and I might just play it down. I'm good at acting like I'm completely fine I think.

@blackcurrantjam

This could be about sunken costs. You don't want to pay the capital gains tax on the relationship. Or trauma bonding. Stay strong. Maybe get a therapist.

Yes, I have felt the same.

@quirkybird3

I have felt the same. Do you have an EAP at work that you could use to access free counselling?

oh it's trauma bonding OP. I agree also that you are missing the person you thought he was (the person he probably was at the beginning).

And yes, of course he's gone back to his exes. He will go back as long as they let him. He'll come back to you as well one day, but he won't have changed, and you'll just delay healing and moving on. Stay strong!

OP I don't want to hijack your thread but I was basically on eggshells throughout my last relationship. He was very manipulative and could come across as very kind and caring which is what kept me there. He ended it very suddenly and disappeared, after having been cruel and critical for a few months. I moved on (I had to) but then 2 years later, I suddenly found out that he had met someone else (who was also in a long term relationship). They were seeing each other for a few months before he disappeared, so it hit me again 2 years later. I read up on trauma bonds and made use of the free counselling provided by work. I too am an over thinker and kept trying to analyse things and asking why. You may never find out why he behaved the way he did. I doubt I will, as I haven't seen him for 5 years.

I would recommend being kind to yourself and remember that his behaviour only reflects on him, not on you. I think I am few years ahead of you and I met a (mostly 😂) lovely, patient man. When the over thinking starts, try and distract yourself, I read fiction or join chats on easy subjects on here or Reddit. Some people find crafting works but anything that distracts you will do. As an over thinker myself, I know how hard this can be.

@quirkybird3

Thank you. I'm just exhausted mentally as I'm an over thinker to say the least. I know he was bad for me, he can't have truly cared the way he treated me. I just struggle to realise that the bad side was probably the true him. It hurts that he has recycled his previous two exes, although I knew he would. I do know it doesn't matter too, but there is just a part of me that refuses to let go. I will look into counselling. But I fear I'll find it hard to talk to someone honestly and I might just play it down. I'm good at acting like I'm completely fine I think.

People like this are very clever, they are like chameleons. I struggled with this too. When you think of something good about him, remind yourself of the bad. In fact, make a list of the bad and good incidents.

I read an interesting article on this subject recently.
We can often inadvertently bond deeper with someone who has mistreated us, and it can be much harder to break that bond also.
It's something to do with biochemical bonds, and nothing to do with our true standards.
It was on Thought Catalogue, called something like Toxic Partners.
I hope you can find it on there and l hope it helps.

@quirkybird3

You sound so much like me a few years ago. You certainly aren't on the scrap heap. I was the same age as you and I met someone else within a year. What's your social group like? Mine had dwindled (abusive ex was anti social and didn't like me socialising). I slowly built my social circle back up and joined a few meetup groups. For me it was hiking and a book club.

Remember, his behaviour is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection on him. People like our exes are very clever and manipulative, they reel you in and manage to behave just about well enough to keep you hooked. If you look at when he behaved well it will likely be when he either wanted something or he feared that he had gone too far with the nastiness and was trying to balance things out.

Not a problem Fangirl, I appreciate your input. I'm glad you are with someone nice now.
I agree that they are chameleons, he is a wonderful liar and conned his own family, work associates etc. Even the police one night when I ran out of my own house as he was scaring me with weird accusations. He got them to think I was drunk. I could tell they believed him.
He said we were toxic, I know that was true. I did go crazy a bit towards the end, I knew I couldn't trust him and he did nothing to soothe me. Refused to stop contact with the ex. Said I was too sensitive and depressive. I was always on his case cos he was supposed to be getting clean from drugs. Also said if we ever split he would cut me off because that's how he deals with things. Yet he never cut those others off.
So i have internalised a lot of stuff and guess I blame myself when I know I probably shouldn't.
I'll have a look for that article on thought catalog, thanks.
I'm going to try and be strong, my work doesn't have any counselling available unfortunately but I could probably afford a couple of sessions.
Had quite a bit of unrelated stuff to contend with the past year, sometimes it's hard to process I guess.
I have been doing diamond painting to soothe my mind, and try to answer questions on Reddit , that does help :)

So i have internalised a lot of stuff and guess I blame myself when I know I probably shouldn't.

It's hard not to internalise things when you are on the receiving end of constant criticism. I look back at how low my confidence at work was when I was with abusive ex. My manager kept having to give me pep talks and remind me how experienced and well qualified I was for the job.

@Moonface123

Is it this?

thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/05/the-real-reason-why-we-love-bad-boys-toxic-partners-and-emotionally-unavailable-men/

I am in your position and I am 61 and been married 26 years. I should have left him years ago and was too scared and tired. I am plucking up courage to divorce him now but I am so sad and defeated and old and fat. I am glad for you that you're still young and you have a chance to heal and be happy

@Suburbanqueen

I am in your position and I am 61 and been married 26 years. I should have left him years ago and was too scared and tired. I am plucking up courage to divorce him now but I am so sad and defeated and old and fat. I am glad for you that you're still young and you have a chance to heal and be happy

I have a friend who left an abusive husband last year. She is 56 and has lost 3 stone since she left him. Partly through hiking and partly because she no longer needs to comfort eat. She says it's the best thing she ever did. Good luck 💐.

Just read that article, it definitely makes sense. At least there is a physical reason for it and I haven't gone totally mental.
Aww Suburban I hope things go well for you. It must be even worse to have been with someone for all those years. Very brave of you. Stay strong because you are doing the best thing for yourself.

Time heals the rawness and pain. It's an experience that may stay with you though. Here I am discussing my experience 5 years later. Although, now I just think what a waste of 3 years of my life the "relationship" with him was. If I'm being positive then I think what did I learn from this?

I've rehearsed what I would say to him if I saw him again, although in reality I would probably just ignore him. He didn't allow me closure because instead of behaving like a sensible, decent person and explaining that he wanted to break up, he just disappeared and didn't allow me that closure - which was a continuation of his emotional abuse. I think he lives not too far from me, works in the same city, has similar hobbies and we share a few loose acquaintances, so logic tells me I am likely to at least bump in to him at some point. I do need to be prepared for that but 5 years later, ignoring will likely be the best option.

Yeah I feel the same. He never gave me any closure. To be honest I just stopped speaking to him as he didn't seem to care that I was in bits and also the fact he refused to stop contacting the ex. He always used to try to work things out but he didn't this time. I thought he cared enough to try. And I couldn't see why it would be so hard for him to cut her off.
So we never discussed anything at all.
The last time I saw him I was broken and crying, he didn't try to comfort me really seemed almost disgusted. He was always high anyway so I couldn't tell what he thought.
I think it will stay with me for sure. I have tried to move on, had a brief fling and went on Tinder, but my heart isn't in it. Hopefully one day it will go away.

The last time I saw him I was broken and crying, he didn't try to comfort me really seemed almost disgusted.

Actions speak louder than words. He has no concern for your feelings. I know not over thinking is hard but please try and distract yourself. You may never get an answer to why he did what he did but you can read up and work out why you got involved with him and put some boundaries in place so it doesn't happen again.