Missing my abusive ex after a year?

[quirkybird3]

I don't know what is wrong with me.
Something must be... I suspect my ex was a sociopath or something .
I loved him so much but it was really toxic. Even he said so. He was addicted to cocaine and was very paranoid. Constantly accusing me of cheating. He smashed my phones. My tv twice too but denied it and did I just have done it.
He would block me when we fell out. Called me horrible names like whore etc.
He would also text exes when we fell out , he gave me his Facebook password so I could see all this.
We have been apart for a year now and I have heard he still is in touch with exes.. he's gone back to then yet never even asked how I'm doing,
I know what I'm feeling is wrong. I need to move on. But I miss him so much, the good times. I am not interested in anyone else. Just feel like I wasn't good enough. I became very insecure and paranoid and at the end he said I need help etc.
He used to say my private bits were "wide" because I had sex with others. It wasn't true of course.
I just feel so messed up and can't move on.
What is wrong with me, after all this time?

He always used to try to work things out but he didn't this time.

Perhaps he always used to try to work things out because he didn't have a viable back up option. This time perhaps he does have a viable back up option. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's what happened to me (although I didn't find that out until 2 years later).

Yes I think you could well be right.
He had moved away by that time to the area the other girls were from, so he could well have been in contact with them at that time actually.
I know he's not a good person, with no regard for me. I'm going to have to learn to put him out of my mind somehow.
He's just a waste of space anyway he lies about how well he's doing when I'm well aware he is just a dirty druggie really,at least I know who he really is.

PP made an important point below - you are missing the person you thought he was, the person that you would like him to be. He isn't that person though, that person doesn't exist. What does exist is an emotionally abusive, narcissistic liar.

Yes a very good point. It's totally that , he wasn't who he appeared to be on the surface and I want that person back. But he never will and is now busy trying to charm girls from his past etc.
I think I had trouble believing he was a narcissist type, as he didn't seem full of himself really. However he even said once he was a sociopath, then denied having said it. But it stuck in my mind, he definitely did say it.
One time I had a go at him for taking drugs in the toilet at a restaurant, his mask totally slipped and he was really awful, I was in floods of tears and he left me there. On the way home he was saying how no woman of his would speak to him the way I did in public ( I wasn't even as bad as I should have been) and he wants a woman to show him respect etc etc. It was awful and not at all like the cheerful, chatty, relaxed guy he usually appeared to be. He had been taking drugs, but even so.
Sorry, I'm waffling a bit. But I guess I need to remember those times.

My ex was a smartly dressed accountant. He was the first person I dated who tucked his shirt in 😂. On paper, he wasn't a "bad boy". However, he never stayed in a job longer than 18 months - which shows lack of commitment, lack of willingness to work at things when things go wrong. I was his longest relationship at 3 years. These things should have been red flags.

Mine was also introverted and quietly spoken. Polite. I put it down to him being very academic and a bit lacking in social skills.

Oh and I also put down the fact that he was 35 and had never had a relationship of longer than a year to him not having met the right person before (the right person being me of course 😂). I now think all the 1 year relationships were with women who saw him for what he is a lot faster than I did.

Mines the same, always messes up jobs, usually by being off his head. Yet he can pull himself together and charm the birds from the trees when he chooses.I was his longest relationship too, and he was mine.
There are a lot of similarities in their ways from what I can tell.
I don't like to label people with mental illnesses but seems like these types sure do follow a script.

Mine used to fall out with his employers when they didn't promote him to the level he thought he should be at. So he would leave and then the same thing would happen again at his next job.

Sounds like he was a waste of space too. I'm glad you're out of it and finally feeling better and with someone nice 😊

It will happen for you too. Just try and get out to meet new people and do a bit of research into what happened and set some boundaries for future relationships. Good luck OP.

Chumplady.com too - she's got a great attitude. Made me really laugh when I was a few months in.
Also the book by Lundy Bancroft. Why does he do that. Be prepared to read him in the pages. Shudder.

I had an ex a bit like this in my late teens (I realise it’s not comparable). Stayed ‘friends’ with his exes, ie shagged then when he didn’t have a steady girlfriend. Very emotionally manipulative. Tended on the whole to go out with girls who didn’t have a big friendship circle. When we split up for the second time, my friends made it really clear that was enough, they didn’t like him etc and he moved on to make someone else’s life a misery. I’m pretty sure he’ll have grown up to be someone like your ex. They only keep in touch if there’s something in it for them.

@blackcurrant, I will get that book for my Kindle. I have heard about it before. Seems highly recommended.
And @autumnboys well they all have to start somewhere. Yes I used to wonder why he always kept his exes on hold, these two especially would always respond. He even told me one of them was someone he keeps on the backburner...she seems into drugs just like him and seems very rough around the edges, so I guess they're welcome to each other.
I bet that is why he was always accusing me of cheating, looking back.