Indulge me - I'm divorcing but do you have any stories of Ex-Husbands who eventually realised the grass wasn't greener with the OW?!

[LucyM82]

Looking for just a bit of self-indulgence here and quiet satisfaction! I know it serves no real purpose but it might just give me hope I'll get some retribution, even if won’t change anything.

Short (ish) story:
Husband left me earlier this year – I was devastated. He moved on very quickly, announcing his ‘new’ relationship several weeks after leaving me (she is a friend of his). Everyone else suspected there was an OW when he first left, but the speed within which this relationship has ‘developed’ tells me she was probably complicit in him leaving and it was probably an emotional affair. Although he denies it, in reality he left me for her, even if it wasn’t a full blown affair. The way in which he left followed the script.

We’re now part way through a fairly straightforward divorce (I filed).

I of course feel betrayed, abandoned, deceived and heartbroken our marriage has ended, and ended in this way. I grieve (heavily at times) for the man I married and life I had. I’m doing everything I can to heal and move forward but it pains me to know I am left picking up the pieces and attempting to rebuild my life whilst he gets to enjoy the throes of this relationship. I can tell he is serious about her and it hurts that he is happy in a relationship with the woman who was part of the reason he left and broke my heart.

So….why am I here? Has anyone any stories of men leaving for an OW (or in my case left and then apparently started the relationship), where he is seemingly blissfully happy at first, but then eventually regrets it?

This is not about wanting him back, or wanting him to want to come back (Decree Nisi is next month, plus this "version" of him is vile). This is a bit of self-indulgence on my part that the grass doesn’t end up greener for him and his bubble bursts eventually.

Ultimately I know it doesn’t matter, my happiness is my own and cannot be dependent on this relationship failing (and even if it does I likely won’t know), but… humour me! Let me live temporarily and vicariously through you – any wonderful stories of retribution!?

Other people might be able to help with their own stories but my first response to what you’ve said is surely it’s better if it works out for them because then at least it meant something or was worth it. If it was a flash in the pan and that’s what he left you for wouldn’t that be worse?

Many years ago a boyfriend cheated on me and left me for her and as rubbish as it was at the time, when I heard they’d got married I thought at least he really loved her and hadn’t chucked me for nothing. Turns out he’s unfaithful to her too and even tried to proposition me about a decade later when he heard I was getting divorced. He’s a useless tosser. But they’re still together and I can only assume he left me for someone who suited him better at the time.

If he’d cheated on me but said it meant nothing - as they often do - that’s much worse. Why blow up your life and hurt the person you’re supposed to love for something meaningless.

Any faults he has are still there.
Won't do housework.
Mean with time or money.
Never buys birthday or Xmas gifts.
His stinky undies and socks on the floor.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Other people might be able to help with their own stories but my first response to what you’ve said is surely it’s better if it works out for them because then at least it meant something or was worth it. If it was a flash in the pan and that’s what he left you for wouldn’t that be worse?

Many years ago a boyfriend cheated on me and left me for her and as rubbish as it was at the time, when I heard they’d got married I thought at least he really loved her and hadn’t chucked me for nothing. Turns out he’s unfaithful to her too and even tried to proposition me about a decade later when he heard I was getting divorced. He’s a useless tosser. But they’re still together and I can only assume he left me for someone who suited him better at the time.

If he’d cheated on me but said it meant nothing - as they often do - that’s much worse. Why blow up your life and hurt the person you’re supposed to love for something meaningless.

I don't disagree with you at all - and ultimately I want to get to the point where I am indifferent to him and happy in my own life. We have a child as well, so of course the more settled and secure this relationship is in the long-term the better for our son... BUT it's just the hurt of him doing it SO soon, and the fact he was able to leave so easily and quickly. I would have done anything to save the marriage and he did not. Like I said though, it's all just self indulgence on my part. Just letting myself have a bit of a vent and make myself temporarily feel better.

My friends keep saying I need to date/have a distraction because of course it's hard to be on on your own, the one left etc., whilst they're acting like lovesick teenagers. It's just the unfairness of it I'm rallying against!

@Bollindger

Any faults he has are still there. Won't do housework. Mean with time or money. Never buys birthday or Xmas gifts. His stinky undies and socks on the floor.

Oh yes, I do keep telling myself that any problems we had could also just be transferred to the new relationship. It's easy to look at other couples and see how "perfect" it is when it's unlikely the reality. Plus, their relationship was built on betrayal and heartache, whichever way they spin it.

I totally get that and I’m not trying to lecture you

He sucks and you’re better off without him but of course it hurts like a bastard.

Totally understand what you mean OP. My stbxh has left our lovely 4 bed home where everything was done for him, me, 2 dc and our dog for a tiny 2 bed flat an hour away. He now sees his kids eow and is having to figure it out for himself. He's having to downgrade his car to save money, asks me random q's like how his washing machine works. He's starting a new relationship but has been told she isn't welcome in my home and I won't move any of his weekends with the dc for her benefit (he's due to have them on her bday so that'll be interesting).
I'm still in the place where I am up and down on it all. Sometimes I'm angry as hell at him and just want to explode at him, then other times I'm able to look towards the future and work on what I want.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Other people might be able to help with their own stories but my first response to what you’ve said is surely it’s better if it works out for them because then at least it meant something or was worth it. If it was a flash in the pan and that’s what he left you for wouldn’t that be worse?

Many years ago a boyfriend cheated on me and left me for her and as rubbish as it was at the time, when I heard they’d got married I thought at least he really loved her and hadn’t chucked me for nothing. Turns out he’s unfaithful to her too and even tried to proposition me about a decade later when he heard I was getting divorced. He’s a useless tosser. But they’re still together and I can only assume he left me for someone who suited him better at the time.

If he’d cheated on me but said it meant nothing - as they often do - that’s much worse. Why blow up your life and hurt the person you’re supposed to love for something meaningless.

I'm the opposite. I don't want to know that my ex is basically a decent, fully functioning human, capable of sustaining a meaningful relationship just not with me.

I want to know that my ex is a pathological liar, has serious and deeply ingrained commitment issues (stemming from his childhood, not from our marriage) and is destined for a miserable existence without me, drifting from one toxic relationship to another 🤷‍♀️

If I were you, I'd keep an eye on Matt Hancock. I've got a suspicion that that story might pan out exactly as you're hoping it to 😉

My ExH left the OW after two years for another OW. Then he left her for another OW ... and again, and again ... there's clearly something wrong with him that I didn't see when we married. Our DC don't see him now, ever. It makes me very sad, tbh.

Yes. 25-year marriage. He had an affair with the OW who is 15 years his junior. He met her through a mutual friend, and both the man and the mutual friend told OW that the wife was abusive, mean, unfaithful, cruel etc etc. If it was just the man that said these things, OW would have been suspicious and wouldn't have gone there, but because mutual friend had no reason to lie, OW started an affair with the man. Man left his wife and 3 older children to be with the OW.

OW then gets to know the real him, and is plagued by guilt and doubt about the stories she was told about his wife. He is manipulative and lies to her a lot, but she gives him one chance after another because she feels pressure to remain in the relationship.

Until she finds messages between man and mutual friends arranging meetings for sex. They had planned the whole thing, and had been having an affair for years- wife was suspicious and so they decided to pick and manipulate OW to be the next in line, because she was a bit vulnerable and forgiving.

OW kicked man out. He now lives alone, not a lot of money, still has an affair with the mutual friend but she will never leave her millionaire husband for him.

I'm in exactly the same position as you OP. I feel your pain and totally get what you want, I desperately want to think this too that it won't work out and something will suddenly go very wrong for them, and ideally very quickly too....

Why on earth would I want him to be happy after all the pain he has caused me and our children?!! I want him to hurt and be miserable and quite frankly never find the happiness he apparently couldn't have with me.... because I am so damn angry with him at how badly he has handled the end of our marriage.

My STBXH also left at the beginning of this year and is now in a relationship with the woman who of course was just his friend!🙄 Mine won't even admit to it yet though and thought he could keep it a secret, idiot. Bangs on to the children how he didn't leave me for anyone else. Thinks he's innocent and entitled to a new relationship already AND expects his children to accept it!! This is a woman I know and the children know too.... it is totally inappropriate as he was also caught flirting with her previously, so there's history behind their relationship as well.

I've also filed for divorce as it was the only bit of control I still had. And he's angry that I filed!!

Following your thread OP and sending the biggest empathetic hugs to you, I feel what you feel, I really do.
Lots of people have said to me he'll realise what he's lost and come running back sooner or later, but I don't think so. I feel he's too pig headed to ever admit he's done wrong.
But still hoping to hear lots of stories of ex Hs realising the grass isn't greener after all.....

@Perinono why do these men have to be such $**$'s about it all. Mine is the same. Says nothing went on even though they shared a bed . He's bad mouthed my family to our children, which they have repeated to said family members, has not had them at all for the summer holidays other than his usual weekends (6 days out of the full 6.5 weeks) and has the audacity to tell me he was going to go on a 2 week holiday to another country! I'm yet to file my divorce papers but they are sat here ready

[quote Itsybitsydooda]**@Perinono* why do these men have to be such $*$'s about it all. Mine is the same. Says nothing went on even though they shared a bed . He's bad mouthed my family to our children, which they have repeated to said family members, has not had them at all for the summer holidays other than his usual weekends (6 days out of the full 6.5 weeks) and has the audacity to tell me he was going to go on a 2 week holiday to another country! I'm yet to file my divorce papers but they are sat here ready [/quote]
File them Itsybitsy! Seriously, get it done, it's you taking control over the situation. It didn't give me the actual relief I think everyone else expected me to get by doing it (in fact it caused a few more issues as STBXH was angry about it🙄). But I took control and it was how I was able to say enough is enough. I am so proud of myself for doing it, you will be too.....

Meanwhile I've become a single parent. Neither of my kids will see their dad now.... obviously he is accusing me of turning them against him, but I haven't, he's done that himself and they are very much in control of their own individual feelings towards him.

Yes, they are all p**cks. I'm feeling very anti-men at present as I discover more and more of them have done it and realise anyone is capable of it😪
Hopefully my anger will subside at some point soon and then one day a lovely man will come along to prove to me that some men can still be decent kind human beings.
In the meantime on the days that I'm ok (still having shit good for nothing days), I am enjoying finding myself again and being the old individual me.
I hope you and the OP can too. Big sisterhood hugs to both of you, feeling your pain right now xx

I know lots of stories, not mine to tell in front of all these people, of husbands who have turned out not to have traded up and abandoned wives who, after the initial shock and grief and upheaval, have gone on to do very nicely for themselves. It definitely happens.

In the same boat here too. Even had a thread about it. Im a month in and he's already moved in with her.

Not me but a friend, exh (52) left her for a much younger (nearly half his age) woman, younger than 2 of his own kids…

This younger woman is now running rings round him, has had him reverse his vasectomy so if it works he will have kids several years younger than his grandchildren

But the best bit - he was basically remorselessly mocked by his colleagues to the point where he quit his job and now he can’t find work and she is having to support him while he mopes around feeling sorry for himself, trying to make himself appear younger by dyeing his hair and dressing like a 25 year old.

Mine moved on very quickly after I threw him out
It was hard, we were together 20 years
She thinks she’s got a great partner, I wouldn’t piss on his face if his head was on fire
Could cope with him hurting me, but not our children
She doesn’t even know that he has children
They are adults now, no contact since 2015
We’re happy though, safe, secure
I hope he’s happy in Australia with his new wife
We don’t want him bothering us

He started acting horrendously, completely out of character, coming home ridiculously late. I had enough and kicked him out he moved straight into a "shared house". I knew he had been seeing someone else, you know when you just know. Few months later I receive an essay accidentally sent to me instead of the OW, about how he felt like he had made so much effort for her and she wasn't making any effort, had forgotten his birthday, left their flat a state etc etc. A little while later I was receiving regular texts/emails from him about how sorry he was, how much he missed me and wanted a clean slate, wanted to prove how much I meant to him and that he could be a better man .
The separation was absolutely awful, hurt like hell and it made me feel a little better that karma was getting him but what felt even better than that was completely ignoring him, deleting messages without reading them and getting on with my life, making a list of goals I wanted to accomplish and things that made me happy and excited and doing them.
Sorry he's done this but one day it'll hurt less promise.

Mine was very similar. .. He left a 20 year marriage and entered a relationship a few months later. I had the whole oh she's just a friends thing and I would never hurt you... Then discovered on Facebook he was in a relationship .. To make things even worse we had to live together until he was able to move out.. So he is now with a woman who is a few years older than him. She's a complete control freak, Hates me... and now monitors his messages, facebook, whatsapp txt
and he isn't allowed to talk to me anymore despite us having two children...because I should be an ex and that it... She is totally unaware of his lies he has told and has kept from her .. He asked his two boys to keep them all a secret ,
She absolutely thinks she has won the lotto. :-) Despite her knowing that he lied to me and his sons to be with her..What makes her any different. :-)
Just waiting for the explosion to happen..

so yes sometimes the grass is not so green on the other side...

@Itsybitsydooda Exactly the same. We had a nice life (decent income, a lovely house, holidays, great friends, close to our families etc.), had all sorts of big plans for the future, a child and had been discussing possible 2nd, a family unit, and he just left it all. Moved almost an hour away too (near her) to rent. Went from stable relationship, stable finances, security, family unit, to living like a 20-something again. I did everything "life admin" wise and so it's ironic even in divorce it's me sorting it all out.

I have moments where I am angry and still cannot believe it, others where I cry over our wedding photos, and then others where I think thank goodness I found out who he is now rather than in another 10 years.

Thank you for sharing! I am also navigating how involved the OW is going to be when it comes to our child.

@ViceLikeBlip You read my mind! It absolutely pains me that he could be happy with her, but not me. I was so committed to him and 'us' that I wouldn't have even dreamt about another man... yet he is able to disregard me so easily for her. I know this is about him not me, but seeing their relationship makes me think "what could I have done differently", "what makes her so much better than me and our family unit". But then I think about any issues he had and we had and think... maybe he will just transfer those issues to his new relationship. There were definitely some toxic traits in our relationship and I have reflected HEAVILY on this including my own behaviour... yet I highly doubt he has reflected at all and has just jumped into "long-term" relationship territory - except now he has a whole load of extra baggage in this new relationship - a relationship built on deceit and heartbreak.

Thank you both! x

@SpindleWhorl On one hand I hope he realises that whatever issues "we" supposedly had could have been worked on, but crucially, he needed to work on himself. He blamed me/us for unhappiness but there's something deep-rooted in him I think that he needs to deal with as otherwise this new relationship is just a sticking plaster. He won't see that though, he will be all blissfully in love and think she/they are the answer to everything and our relationship was the problem all along. I just have in my mind a hope that whatever issues he/we had will just surface again once the novelty of the new relationship wears thin.

But then on the other hand, if he does become unhappy in this relationship and moves on to another, and another etc,., then the reality is that's not stable/healthy for our child... and ultimately if both parents are individually happy and settled it will be better for our child... as much as it pains me to think my Ex will be happier without me... the alternative isn't that great either. In all honesty, I don't want him to never be in a relationship - it's just THIS one. The one that destroyed me and our lives.

I'm sorry that your Ex has proved to be so disappointing. Did he used to see your children and it just fizzle out as he prioritised his relationships?

@SilentPanic Gosh what a story. So the mutual friend corroborated his side of things and said those awful things about the wife so they could eventually have an affair themselves?! Jesus.

People have said to me a lot of my Ex's "leaving" was calculated and planned. I couldn't believe it at the time but there are so many hole in his story and of course hindsight is a wonderful thing so I see the red flags now. Crazy how these men get so wrapped up in their stories.

What happened to the wife in your story? I hope she recovered!

My ex left 10 years ago and if I'm to believe him, he only realised years later what a mistake he'd made. He doesn't want to come back and I don't want him back but he's fucked up his relationship with our kids which I suspect is a major factor why he's regretted things. He claims not to have thought about what he'd left behind until the last 2 or so years which is shocking as our eldest when NC with him 5 years ago.

@Perinono Oh my gosh, so many similarities in our stories. My Ex also believes he is entitled to this - spoke of owing it to himself, didn't do anything wrong because it wasn't an "affair", he had been making the decision to end the marriage for a while. I real think he believes his version of the story, and all he does it is try and justify his actions. No doubt I'm portrayed as the wicked ex-wife. Similar to you other friends had commented on their "friendship" not long before he left - I wasn't threatened at all at the time, but now it's clear they must have been getting closer for people to notice.

I filed for reasons like you - I needed control. I couldn't stand the idea I was married to a man with a girlfriend. Made me sick. I think he was a bit taken aback I'd gone ahead and started the process, but then has EASILY gone along with it, no contesting it at all. That in itself made me sad that there was no part of him at all that may have had second thoughts, he just signed and carried on.

People have said the same to me that he will eventually come crawling back or at least regret it. But like you I don't think he will - I think he has focussed so much on his version of events that our marriage was so awful, that even if this new relationship fizzles he will feel the need to prove that leaving me was still the right thing to do.

How long did it take your ex to get into his new relationship? How serious is it?

@KohlaParasanda I think that's the real retribution, when the ex wife goes on to have a happy life. I'm trying to live my life by the motto "the best revenge is a life well lived"!

@GooodMythicalMorning Oh I'm sorry. It's a real kick in the gut when you see their relationship progress at breakneck speed. I suspect my Ex will move her in soon as well. I bet she's basically living there anyway. I will find your other thread. Sending hugs xx

@Pillockprat Well that is definitely a grass isn't greener situation! How is the ex-wife getting on?! Just goes to show how much these men still rely on the women that supported and stood by them!