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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Husband wants trial separation and I'm devastated

39 replies

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 10/08/2021 17:53

I have posted here in the past under a different username. I am reeling from my DH telling me a couple of weeks ago that he wants a trial separation, I had no idea what was coming. We are married for 20 years, together for 22, and have three kids who are between 10 and 18. I knew things weren’t great, DH has been very tense and negative lately and we’ve barely been intimate for 18 months, when he pretty suddenly stopped wanting physical contact. I asked him a few times what was going on, whether he no longer found me attractive but he said no. I chose to believe him but I was very worried. Then Covid struck and we were too busy trying to cope with its impact, including me and our oldest getting Covid/long Covid. Im still really unwell and he says that this is one reason why he has not said anything sooner but that he just cannot go on like this. I love him so much but a huge distance has opened up between us and I feel that he has betrayed my trust by not talking to me sooner. I don’t think he has had an affair but his mind is pretty much made up. He is taking about a trial separation for a year but when I said that I may not be able to wait a year because it’s too painful he said he was sorry, but he would still move out, so basically he did not give me a choice. I feel totally numb. He has taken the children on holiday while I stayed home because I am not well enough to travel, he was outwardly supportive (e.g. helping to arrange for my sister to come so that I would not be alone) but now that he is away he is busy planning his escape and even expects me to help him in this, and I just want to scream and cry. I know I’ve given this relationship all I’ve got, I’ve got no more to give so if what I have been giving is not enough then it is over. Any thoughts or virtual handholding/shoulders to cry on would be wonderful as I just don’t know how to get through the next months while still supporting my children and trying to get better so that I can go back to work….

OP posts:
Ladyrattles · 10/08/2021 17:55

No advice but I wanted to send you a huge hug x

Sicario · 10/08/2021 18:00

So sorry for your situation. By asking for a trial separation, the likelihood is that he wants a divorce and is trying to avoid the head-on conflict of saying so.

Do please seek legal advice as soon as possible. Good luck.

Mum45678 · 10/08/2021 18:07

It's not fair of him to ask for a trial separation like this for a period of time. It is however fair for him to ask to separate, with the intentions of divorcing. I think he needs to put his cards on the table.

When my ex dithered about us separating (he was having an affair) I wish I'd gathered up all my strength and dignity and ended things as quickly as possible.

Lots of hand holding for you OP. It's an awful thing to go through. Please organise some separate counselling for you in addition to the legal advice. I would only recommend joint counselling if he is committed to staying in the relationship.

You will get through this Flowers

GoodnightGrandma · 10/08/2021 18:09

What has he said that he will contribute towards the upkeep of his half of the house, and kids ?

gogohm · 10/08/2021 18:10

Huge hugs.

I've been there, got the T-shirt.

Once you get past the shock you can start to think seriously about you, do you want to fight for your marriage or deep down do you think it's over?

For me I knew it was done, 27 years together. Just 7 months later I met dp (he was in similar circumstances) and the rest is history. 3 years ago I was a bored married woman trying to kid myself that I was happy because let's face it single parenthood is hard, now life is great

Mintjulia · 10/08/2021 18:11

If this has been going on 18 months, it doesn't sound very 'trial' to me.
Whatever you do, prepare yourself for it being permanent. Don't be generous on financial terms in the hope of retaining his affection because it won't work. You will need every penny to raise your children.
Remember that you still have 8 years of co-parenting to go, so try as hard as you can to be calm even if it is through gritted teeth. It will make it easier for you and your dcs in the long run.
And I'm sorry but also prepare for the new partner. Sad

PJday41 · 10/08/2021 18:15

I'm so sorry OP. Based on what you've described, I would expect another woman to crawl out of the woodwork sooner rather than later. It all sounds too convenient and planned out not to be an affair. It sounds like he wants to decide if the affair will work or not before he commits to divorce.

It's not easy OP, but make your own mind up. Do not sit and wait for him to decide.

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 10/08/2021 18:31

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I am trying to keep it civil but deep down I also know that it is very likely to be over. As for money he says we will split everything evenly, but I hate being so dependent on him financially because of my health situation. I have not been able to work at all and am still on sick leave getting part of my pay but I don't know how long my work will play along... I have not sought legal advice, I just cannot get myself to do that yet but perhaps I should

OP posts:
Polmuggle · 10/08/2021 18:38

I would expect another woman to crawl out of the woodwork sooner rather than later.

I wouldn't actually. This has been gong on for 18 months, that doesn't sound like someone who wants to leave for another woman.

Badgersdrift · 10/08/2021 18:41

Aaagh op this sounds so hard Flowers

But you did really well to tell him that you are not waiting a year. I agree with pp about making your own mind up. Why wait for him to make the decisions? As you say, you put everything you had in to your 22 year relationship, hold your head up high Flowers

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 10/08/2021 19:21

No other woman now, I.m pretty sure, but that can change quickly....

I do need to make up my own mind, and I think I already have but it makes me so sad.

Thank you for all your kindness, I really needed it today!

OP posts:
Giotto479 · 10/08/2021 19:38

Ah, love, I am so so sorry. I am 10 days into the (permanent) split. It’s been a ghastly time of to and fro-ing. I’m sad to say you should prep yourself for other woman revelations. It’s feasible that he’s just going off alone but highly unlikely. You have to let him go. He’s gone from you, and I know how much that hurts, but there is nothing to be done. We can’t make them love us. I think he’s checked out good and proper. Gird yourself, because he’ll be an insensitive prick. Mine was SO HAPPY to be leaving. His relief palpable, and I worked SO HARD and he was already gone despite the bollocks of telling me he wanted to make it work. Another woman. She’s been on the scene since February 2019. Lockdown made all tricky, but I found out they were hooking up whilst he was out on walks. The deceitfulness is mind blowing. Let him go. Sit with the pain, it’s not forever. He’s not going to stay with you. I’m sorry.

Giotto479 · 10/08/2021 19:40

And yes, seek legal advice. He might be one of the generous rarities, but it’s unlikely.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2021 19:43

I'm sorry, op. Prepare yourself for the revelation of another woman. It will almost undoubtedly be coming. I would be speaking to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible.

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 10/08/2021 20:07

Giotto, so sorry to hear about your situation, I hope you are okay. I'm going to get legal advice as it does seem to be necessary, sadly.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/08/2021 20:10

Bollocks to splitting everything evenly especially now your ability to work is impacted!! Get yourself a Shit Hot Lawyer and fast. 50:50 is the starting point but rarely the end result when DC involved especially if one has been the primary parent and sacrificed their own potential career to help the other further theirs.

MadeForThis · 10/08/2021 20:42

Take the time he is on holidays to come to terms with your loss. Then protect yourself.

50:50 is only fair if you are truly sharing custody and your financial positions are similar.

If you will keep the kids and you sacrificed your career to raise them then you will need a night percentage to do this.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/08/2021 21:47

Don’t agree to anything until you’ve spoken to your solicitor.

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 10/08/2021 22:31

Looks like I really do need to be very practical. Hard under the circumstances but I'll look for advice tomorrow

OP posts:
WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 10/08/2021 22:37

Don't accept the trail just split. He wants you on the back burner if life as a single (?) turns out to be not what he hoped and you are worth more than that
The shock is awful but don't let him mess you about. Build a life without himFlowers

AutumnColours9 · 11/08/2021 02:06

So sorry its horrible to go through but it gets easier. I also think there is another woman somewhere. Stay strong and fight for a good deal.

Themeparklover · 11/08/2021 02:45

Not as long together ( almost 6 years) and we had 2 m/c's first one at 12 weeks, second twins at 20+, but we split at Christmas he acted similar to yours distant etc, he become deluded with anti vax, trump , anti covid theories so I called him out on his behaviours and left, the first 3/4 months were hard and there are still difficult days however now I am free to focus on me, one day in around April I woke up and realised , I do not actually give a sh*t about him anymore

Eviethyme · 11/08/2021 02:58

I would tell him you want a divorce and then take 50% and apply for cms

blackcurrantjam · 11/08/2021 23:25

Another one here who thought OW. Ducks in a row. While he's away do what you can. You will move on and possibly feel even better without him x

thenewduchessofhastings · 11/08/2021 23:33

Get legal advice as soon as possible.

Also I wouldn't be surprised if there's someone else waiting in the wings.A man rarely leaves a long term relationship without someone else tugging his hand along.

You should read the script;midlife crisis for dummies

Midlife crisis: this is the script! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script