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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Husband wants trial separation and I'm devastated

39 replies

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 10/08/2021 17:53

I have posted here in the past under a different username. I am reeling from my DH telling me a couple of weeks ago that he wants a trial separation, I had no idea what was coming. We are married for 20 years, together for 22, and have three kids who are between 10 and 18. I knew things weren’t great, DH has been very tense and negative lately and we’ve barely been intimate for 18 months, when he pretty suddenly stopped wanting physical contact. I asked him a few times what was going on, whether he no longer found me attractive but he said no. I chose to believe him but I was very worried. Then Covid struck and we were too busy trying to cope with its impact, including me and our oldest getting Covid/long Covid. Im still really unwell and he says that this is one reason why he has not said anything sooner but that he just cannot go on like this. I love him so much but a huge distance has opened up between us and I feel that he has betrayed my trust by not talking to me sooner. I don’t think he has had an affair but his mind is pretty much made up. He is taking about a trial separation for a year but when I said that I may not be able to wait a year because it’s too painful he said he was sorry, but he would still move out, so basically he did not give me a choice. I feel totally numb. He has taken the children on holiday while I stayed home because I am not well enough to travel, he was outwardly supportive (e.g. helping to arrange for my sister to come so that I would not be alone) but now that he is away he is busy planning his escape and even expects me to help him in this, and I just want to scream and cry. I know I’ve given this relationship all I’ve got, I’ve got no more to give so if what I have been giving is not enough then it is over. Any thoughts or virtual handholding/shoulders to cry on would be wonderful as I just don’t know how to get through the next months while still supporting my children and trying to get better so that I can go back to work….

OP posts:
Ijustdontunderstandthis · 12/08/2021 06:36

Am I just being totally naive believing him when he says there is no one else? I really don't think there is, but midlife crisis is definitely the case. I will get legal advice. And I am beginning to figure out what I want, which is a clean break for us as a couple but a civil/friendly relationship because of the kids. It feels like I'm grieving... and I am so so scared of the future, so much uncertainty and all of this while I am ill and in such a weak position.

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 12/08/2021 06:46

You are grieving, OP, completely natural given the loss you are dealing with. My heart goes out to you, especially given how unwell and vulnerable you are. All the more reason to get a solicitor sorted today, you need someone who can protect your interests and take some of the weight of all this for you. Also, who can you talk to and get support from, on terms of friends or family?

It's very likely that there is someone else, I'm afraid, but covid will have made it more difficult for them to meet so you will be less aware of the signs. It's very unusual for a man to leave without someone to go to, I'm afraid, sso bbraceyyourself for more bad news. Sorry.

On the other hand, you can survive this, like zillions of women have done before you. There's lots of powerful support on here, keep posting and reading.

emlutomsmum · 13/08/2021 13:10

Hi,

I haven't been on here for about 10 years since my children were younger and I can honestly say "wow". I am going through the same thing right now and it's hell but my hubbie can't move out as I am the main breadwinner (he has refused to push his business over the years to enable us to claim maximum tax credits). So he is now living in our house (until it sells), still living off me whilst contributing £400 per month to our finances!!! I have kicked him out of our bedroom then the other day her sent me a text saying that he want to start dating others as a test to see if he still loves me!! Honestly....couldn't make it up. We have 3 children, 19, 17 and 13. He has bribed 13 year old by saying that he will buy him a new gaming pc if he goes to live with him as then he can again only work when he wants, and claim maximum benefits! I started a new job 5 weeks ago as Finance Manager and had to tell them last week what I was going through as he was being a vile shite over text.

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 14/08/2021 07:01

Emlutomsmum, so sorry to hear what you are going through! It's unbelievable. Can he maybe live with friends or family for a while? I would absolutely not be able to tolerate your situation, i am fortunate that we can afford for my husband to move out, although it will obviously affect our finances severely. But at least you earn more so you can call the shots to a certain extent, being dependent is one of the things I find most difficult right now (apart from the mind numbing heartbreak).wishing you all the best and strength going forward

OP posts:
Ijustdontunderstandthis · 18/08/2021 06:32

A few days on and I feel empty and alone, can't sleep. Husband came back from holidays with kids but moved out after dropping off the kids. I am beginning to understand his reasons, which makes me even more sad because of the missed opportunities for doing something about them, but in a weird way I am also relieved as things had been so tense and difficult for months/year and we're getting progressively worse...

What hurts the most is the thought of a future without him, I never imagined that we would separate and I feel the loss like a death. And what is hardest is not being able to just curl up in a corner and cry because I still need to look after the children, if I break down now who is going to pick up the pieces? My family is abroad and during Covid times travel has become so difficult, plus my illness makes it almost impossible to travel long distance.

I am getting special emergency counselling as I also have SN (as do all three children though not all are fully diagnosed). What a mess....

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 18/08/2021 17:58

Sorry you're feeling so rotten, OP, it will get better but this stage is painful, no question. It's so similar to a bereavement, except with a bereavement you'd have everyone rallying round offering to cook and mind the kids for you 😢 You're doing so well, it's just bloody hard

Ijustdontunderstandthis · 18/08/2021 20:13

Thank you for your kind words Notagain! Today has been awful, but at least it's evening now and the day almost over. I just can't think more than one day ahead at the moment. It will get easier, I know that, so I will hold on to that thought!

OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 19/08/2021 17:30

You need time to process this. It must be such a shock and at an awful time if you are feeling so unwell and are at home on your own. You don't need to make any quick decisions or rush off for legal advice. Take a few days or weeks to allow things to sink in. One thing that will help though if to put yourself back in control his decision to decide how your relationship pans out. It is quite right that you don't accept a years trial separation. That would be hideous and painful. You have the children so you rightly stay put. You don't have to be friends or maintain a nice cosy relationship. Just be civil and that is enough. Be truthful with the kids. Look out for yourself in this and don't give a thought to what he wants right now.

blackcurrantjam · 20/08/2021 08:33

@Ijustdontunderstandthis I feel for you, I really do. The pain. Absolutely reeling. But it will pass. I know it may not feel like it but it will pass. Also chumplady.com sorry if I've posted it before/you've already seen it, she's funny and kind of brutal, but can be helpful x

Stayingstrongish · 21/08/2021 09:17

Hi @Ijustdontunderstandthis, I saw your post and wanted to send solidarity as I’m going through a similar situation.

We were together 15 years, married 7, two small children under 6. He was less affectionate during lockdown, snapping at me, then drops the bombshell that he wants to leave. He’s now moved out. It’s so hard to have the future you expected taken away.

I really feel for you, especially with you being ill. If you ever want to chat feel free to message me. I have found things gradually get a little easier, especially since my GP has given me anti-d’s. Sometimes everything feels a bit overwhelming though, all the practical things to consider as well as the emotional heartache.

Porseb · 21/08/2021 09:24

I have seen this so many times over the years and been through similar myself.

Read The Script and I'm almost 100% sure there is someone else.

From the moment he started acting distant and finding faults with you and the family, that's 100% script there that he's had his head turned.

In order to justify his behaviour, he has to find fault with his current set up.

Look after yourself OP and get your assets protected.

Porseb · 21/08/2021 09:28

The script

Men & affairs - what is the script? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

Porseb · 21/08/2021 09:31

More

the 'he's having an affair' script www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

bristolfunday · 21/08/2021 09:46

No words just ❤️

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