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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My Stbxh is lying to the kids about me.

46 replies

Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 12:46

He moved out almost a year ago. The divorce is taking a while to finalise due to pension issues, and in the meantime I am in the house, he is covering the mortgage and house insurance, which he can do as he’s a high earner, and paying rent on a new place. I am paying for absolutely everything else, including all expenses for out 3 kids. Allegedly the mortgage payment is almost the same as the amount the CMS would recommend he paid.

He is a dick about money. And if he was paying me maintenance directly for the kids I know he would mess about with it. He did pay for 2 months but kept making deductions for things as he saw fit.Hmm

He earns double what I do, and has the kids one or two nights in 14 maximum.

Most of the time this doesn’t bother me too much as I don’t have to deal with his nonsense but today I’ve had a load of lip off the eldest who tells me that his dad said that “your mother’s family” have stolen everything off me and I have to start from scratch. He’s also told him he’s paying all the bills here too.

It’s parental alienation and I’ve already written to his solicitor about this, but he can’t seem to help himself.

What should I do to make him shut the fuck up and stop manipulating and lying?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2021 12:51

How old are the children?
Depending on age, I would keep an accounts book of every single living expense and income and show them.

Original poster
Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 12:58

Eldest is 12. I could show them the accounts but I don’t want to make things worse by putting them in the middle even more than they are. And I’m not convinced that they’d properly be able to interpret it anyway. But I’ve said that daddy doesn’t give me a penny.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2021 13:09

Maybe just say that it isn't true and you don't know why he is saying that.
I am sorry he is behaving so badly.

endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2021 13:10

TBH I do think a 12 year old should be able to understand the arithmetic.

Original poster
Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 13:16

He would get the arithmetic but not necessarily be able to contextualise it.

The poor child, the cognitive dissonance is so painful for him.

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 07/08/2021 13:22

I would be absolutely truthful with your 12 year old.

Tell him that you haven’t stolen anything. That the CM payments were being deducted for various reasons each month and there wasn’t a set amount so it was agreed that as the mortgage and house insurance are a similar amount then that is what he is paying as he can’t mess the mortgage and insurance company around.
You are paying for everything else. What he gets and doesn’t get will be decided by a Judge, not you and you haven’t stolen anything.
I would question your 12 year old about what he thinks that your family have stolen and point out “Your mother’s family” includes him and his siblings as well as they are part of your family.

Original poster
Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 13:26

Ok. I’ll have a think about how to tackle it with 12 year old. Should I formalise through the lawyers? Or email the ex?

OP posts:
IndieTara · 07/08/2021 13:28

Exes can be such dicks. Split with mine 9 yrs ago and he sounds just like your ex. I've trodden on eggshells to try and keep things stable for DD. She's now 12 and 6 weeks ago she put her foot down and insisted she doesn't want to see her dad.
They aren't daft and they soon get to realise what their parent is like .

Bythemillpond · 07/08/2021 13:30

I would actually get out your bills and show 12 year old your bank statement and show him that any deposits into the account are from your employer etc and show him the bill for the gas and electricity etc was £XXX and then show where it is paid on your bank account.

Ask your 12 year old how he knows what to pay if all the bills come to the house and you don’t see or speak to ex to tell him what to pay,

Then tell him to ask his dad for his bank statements to show him where he is paying these bills or paying money into your bank account because if he thinks he is doing then as he can see it is obviously not getting to you.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 07/08/2021 13:41

My dad did this with my mum. He refused to pay anything for us or the house until he was forced but only then paid towards the mortgage until it was sold. He was horrendous and the stuff he said to my sister and I I think he truly believed that he paid everything and he had nothing left. Funny how he was out all weekend and in new clothes and treating his new girlfriends son to all sorts - football strips etc but refused to help mim with school uinforms for us. And saying all sorts of nasty things. My poor mother was just floored by him. He is a horrible man and even as an adult he would say my mum stole half or more of the house from him that he paid for us etc etc I’m sodding 42 and he’d still be doing it if I hadn’t have cut him off.

Def get it stopped op, either by speaking to your ex then your child or via court as it’s a horrible thing to go though for your kids

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 13:57

I would do everything officially if the ex is that much of a twat.

Original poster
Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 13:58

He really is a weapons grade twat. His only nerve endings are in his wallet.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 07/08/2021 14:01

Tell your child what your ex is paying for - currently the mortgage - and that you are paying for their food, electricity bills, water bills etc. Explain that you also work like their father. You will need to repeat this like a broken record.

You also need to ensure you are financially educating your children if you haven't started already. So they have an idea of budgeting, earning money, know that things aren't free, that while their 'needs" will be met their "wants" won't always be, etc. If you have daughters make sure you repeat to them regularly about aiming high in terms of jobs/careers, also start to educate them about what different/jobs careers pay around the ages of 13-14 and the financial penalties of being a woman as they get older. (This is what immigrant families do.)

Now you also need to tell your child what is going on between you and your ex is between you two, that this and the reason for your divorce is nothing to do with them.

Then get your solicitor to write to your ex and tell them to stop dragging your children into your divorce and financial settlement.

Unfortunately parents who lie and manipulate will still use their children to do so but will be more subtle once warned so the Court can't do anything. However if the other parent and other adults around the children are always truthful, around the age of 15 it should click and the child will tell the other parent to stop talking shit and may also demand money off them for specific "needs".

I should add myself and some of my friends have separated parents, and the parent who was talking shit didn't like it when around the age of 15 we told them so. As they realised it was coming from us not our other parent.

Original poster
Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 14:05

Thankyou that’s very helpful.

Am going to draft a letter via the lawyers. And a proper sit down with all of them with an app I have that documents everything. God he’s a selfish arsehole. I keep repeating that it was Daddy’s choice to leave, and daddy’s choice to live as he does, and nothing to do with any of us.

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 07/08/2021 14:07

I wouldn't enter into discussions with the 12 year old, apart from a simple rebuttal of his father's lies.

I would imagine it must be awful for a child to be having to look through bills and statements.
He has enough to process.

If you include him in this, the next time his father says anything, then your son will either have to pretend he knows nothing, or be drawn further in by stating that he has seen items relating to finances.

WineAcademy · 07/08/2021 14:08

Mine is fond of saying "there's two sides to every story" to the dc. Still tries to spin the fact that he was arrested for dv into something like he was provoked by me, etc etc.

Consider getting child maintenance via cms in future, if he keeps this up, men like him will quite happily continue to attempt to control their exes via money and/or children.

Original poster
Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 14:09

That’s true! Arrgh I just want to protect the kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 14:12

Still tries to spin the fact that he was arrested for dv into something like he was provoked by me, etc etc.

Mine does this!!!!Shock

He was arrested and spent the night in the cells as he was considered to be too much of a risk to me, and also blind blind drunk. The police told me there and then and the following day that they had told him that the best thing was for him to move out.

Then a few months later my ex changed the story entirely and said that he had been “arrested for his own protection” and then after a night in the nick, given victim support advice!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 07/08/2021 14:14

I disagree with a lot of posters
I don’t think you should be discussing finances or showing bank statements etc with your 12 year old!
If your son mentions it, simply say, that’s not correct. Rinse and repeat
Hard, sure. But don’t drag your son into this, it’s not fair for a 12 year old to be dragged into the middle of a war between their parents ( both of whom he loves)
Yes our ex is a twat but don’t become the same

WineAcademy · 07/08/2021 14:15

It's like they follow a playbook. Typical.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 07/08/2021 14:18

Show your son a bill like the council tax so he can see you pay it because it's addressed to you and only you.
I'd also tell him that if you'd stolen all his money then he would have gone to the police to get it back and you'd be in court for doing that.
Explain that child maintenance is the law and even Boris Johnson /David Walliams (or other famous divorced dad) pay it after his divorce and it's not you but a special government department called CMS who work out what he has to pay.

MorningNinja · 07/08/2021 14:22

Please do not show your bank statements to your child. That will be so confusing and harmful...they are 12!

All you need to do is tell them that you and their DF have things to sort out and that their DF is not being helpful over sharing like that.

Tell them you have their best interests at heart - and their DF's so they need to put their trust in you to do the right thing. Simple.

I know it's hard, I've been there but please don't lower yourself to his level.

MorriseysGladioli · 07/08/2021 14:23

The trouble (or one of many!) with men like your ex is that they are so convincing.
I would swear that they actually believe their own lies, they're so good at it.

frazzledasarock · 07/08/2021 14:24

Go through CMS, check child maintenance calculator then go through CMS so they collect the money from him and pay you.

I would tell your son the household finances are nothing to do with him. But daddy doesn’t pay anything you do.

You do need to engage in this as otherwise your ex’s lies will be all your child hears and will believe them.

If what you say doesn’t work you will have to sit down and show him a list of bill payments you make eg, water, gas, electricity, tv, food etc and tell him you pay this daddy does not.

I would keep repeating that has left and chosen his own lifestyle. It’s nothing to do with any of you really it his choice.

He sounds like such an utter waste of space.

tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 14:24

@Shuffleuplove

Ok. I’ll have a think about how to tackle it with 12 year old. Should I formalise through the lawyers? Or email the ex?
Having been through similar with my ex I would absolutely get a solicitor involved. I didn't, and I bitterly regret it. 10 years later he's still telling a sob story about how I took him to the cleaners. I didn't, but I wish I had now. Your kids will see him for what he really is in time. Mine has.