Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My Stbxh is lying to the kids about me.

46 replies

Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 12:46

He moved out almost a year ago. The divorce is taking a while to finalise due to pension issues, and in the meantime I am in the house, he is covering the mortgage and house insurance, which he can do as he’s a high earner, and paying rent on a new place. I am paying for absolutely everything else, including all expenses for out 3 kids. Allegedly the mortgage payment is almost the same as the amount the CMS would recommend he paid.

He is a dick about money. And if he was paying me maintenance directly for the kids I know he would mess about with it. He did pay for 2 months but kept making deductions for things as he saw fit.

He earns double what I do, and has the kids one or two nights in 14 maximum.

Most of the time this doesn’t bother me too much as I don’t have to deal with his nonsense but today I’ve had a load of lip off the eldest who tells me that his dad said that “your mother’s family” have stolen everything off me and I have to start from scratch. He’s also told him he’s paying all the bills here too.

It’s parental alienation and I’ve already written to his solicitor about this, but he can’t seem to help himself.

What should I do to make him shut the fuck up and stop manipulating and lying?

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 07/08/2021 14:31

I keep repeating that it was Daddy’s choice to leave, and daddy’s choice to live as he does, and nothing to do with any of us.

It is actually none of your children's business who left who. They just need to know that you two don't get on enough to stay married. If they saw some arguments and worse, this will back up you saying that without having the go into detail.

I know various things about one of my close friends' parents but I don't know if she knows, and I haven't repeated it to her as her mother said some things to me when she was really pissed off with a few people including her ex when I was in my late teens. (Both know my parents were shitty in different ways.)

I also know stuff about some my extended family members reasons for divorce but their children, some of whom are now adults, don't know.

I actually have been put on the spot by some of their children when younger as they asked me why their parents had split up and their dad had moved out. This is because I am younger than a lots of my siblings and cousins, and was the adult they knew who what explain things to them truthfully.

Just make it clear what is going on is between you two, and that neither of you have split up from them even though it may seem so as their dad moved out.

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 14:32

Write down an appropriate narrative and stick with it.

Something like "we are both paying for the things the law says we have to, I don't know why Daddy is dragging you into it this is adult stuff"

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 14:37

Actually showing your ds some basic paperwork will reinforce who is the honest one and who is messing with his head.. He can then decide if a relationship with his df is best for him as it is ex who is dragging ds into adult business..

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2021 14:42

You seem to know what he earns, how come you’ve not gone on line and calculated the cms payments? You’d then know if it was equivalent to the mortgage and insurance.

It’s difficult as you’re still living there, he owns half I assume, so needs to pay that half of the mortgage but you’d need to pay rent to have his half.

I think get clear on the finances as you don’t seem to be coming at it from a position of knowledge.

Theunamedcat · 07/08/2021 14:43

Get a solicitor and think long term about the separation of finances legally he should be paying you child support regardless of mortgage payments those are separate and dont count in law

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 14:46

I was going to say paying the mortgage doesn't exempt him from child maintenance and when you sell he may get the payments deducted from the equity.

Original poster

Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 14:51

Bluntness I have calculated the CMS and it’s within about £20 of the mortgage payment.

I have a very good solicitor but we can’t move forward with the finances until the pension valuations are in. This seemed like a good way of organising things in the interim. He would hate for me to go to CMS as he’s worried that his employer would be roped into things and he has his professional reputation to protect blah blah.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 14:53

I don’t know why this has got to me today. Maybe it’s the injustice of it. I’m very very tired.

OP posts:

AllTheSingleLadiess · 07/08/2021 14:54

You should definitely go to CMS once the time is right so he can't mess you about. Then if the children ask you can tell them that the CMS calculates a fair payment and not you.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 07/08/2021 14:55

It's a fucking cheek that he's trying to paint you as the bad guy trying to shaft him when the truth has been the opposite.

Children eventually work out who is telling the truth and who is going to be there when they need help.

Original poster

Shuffleuplove · 07/08/2021 15:15

Thankyou. Yes it is a cheek. He seems to get off on behaving outrageously and yet calling me out if I pull him up. Pathetic man.

OP posts:

tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 15:21

@Shuffleuplove

Thankyou. Yes it is a cheek. He seems to get off on behaving outrageously and yet calling me out if I pull him up. Pathetic man.

I suspect he's after a reaction. Don't let him have it. It's scary how many twat exes there are, what's wrong with these men.

JovialNickname · 07/08/2021 15:59

I wouldn't show your 12 year old bills, he doesn't need to be that involved with finances.

Just tell him the truth, that when you split up you both decided that Daddy would pay for the house you and your brothers and sisters live in, and Mummy pays for everything else, like the electricity, water, food and clothes. They both work out to about the same amount.

Soopermum1 · 07/08/2021 16:27

Are you going through court for child arrangements? If so, ask the court that he accepts an undertaking to not discuss finances or the divorce with the children.

Bythemillpond · 07/08/2021 16:34

Then a few months later my ex changed the story entirely and said that he had been “arrested for his own protection” and then after a night in the nick, given victim support advice

😂😂😂

It is the fact he thinks people will believe him.

I don’t think that showing a bank statement to a 12 year old is somehow off and will confuse him.

I have shown dc mine as it is a good way to teach them about money management and in this case will reinforce that you are the one who is truthful.

Just telling him that it is adult stuff that he does not need to be concerned with is not really answering his questions and he is likely to believe his dad because he doesn’t have anyone disproving what he is being told

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 16:39

The op can just say "well your Dad is telling you lies, the law wouldn't allow that"

NorthernSpirit · 07/08/2021 16:48

Agree with @millymollymoomoo

You shouldn’t be discussing adult issues with children.

My OH’s EW has done this for years with the kids (now 15 & 12). It started circa 8 years ago - then being told about finances, the divorce, adult issues, It’s nothing to do with children, it’s an adult issue.

It got so bad that my OH had to get a solicitor & social services got involved, as the EW was discussing intimate details of the divorce and finances (all skewed to make her look like an angle, him look like the bad guy). HmShe’s been given a warning by social services not to discuss adult issues especially the finances and the children (at the recommended of SS) are having counselling to help them deal with her years of this.

As other posters say - If your son mentions it, say, that’s not correct….

It’s hard, but please don’t bring your son into this, it’s not fair for a 12 year old to be dragged into the middle of a war between their adult parents ( both of whom he loves). This will only create problems. Let him be a child. When he’s old enough he’ll figure it out himself.

RedMarauder · 07/08/2021 18:25

@Shuffleuplove

Bluntness I have calculated the CMS and it’s within about £20 of the mortgage payment.

His employer won't be roped in if he pays voluntary and keeps up with the payments.

In fact it may be in his own interests to go through the CMS as depending on his earnings, child maintenance will then not be brought up in your joint financial settlement as it's already sorted.

RedMarauder · 07/08/2021 18:27

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Please don't do this for that reason.

Yes you can show teenagers bills but only so they understand the cost of for example leaving the heating on full blast and going to school, or having 40 minute showers twice a day.

m0therofdragons · 14/08/2021 22:52

Then a few months later my ex changed the story entirely and said that he had been “arrested for his own protection” and then after a night in the nick, given victim support advice

Yep the cells are full of crime victims being protected - sounds very believable

I would just say, separating is a time emotions run high but re finances, that’s not true. I don’t want to pull you into it but the solicitors will help us to sort out what is legally right and fair so it won’t be me or dad deciding that. I’m sorry you were spoken to like that but I’m proud you felt you could ask me. You can always check anything with me.

Then carry on as normal.

Lifeishitsometimes · 17/08/2021 06:37

@m0therofdragons has excellent advice.

I disagree with showing kids the financial comings and goings between you and your ex. Nothing at all wrong with educating them about household finances in a more general sense. I think all kids should know how much is coming in and how much goes out, difference between needs and wants, fixed monthly costs etc.

In my experience you don't need to tell kids anything, about finances and treatment following separation. They do work it out for themselves. My annoying ex gets the kids to account for things I've bought for them (we have an agreement about items we share the cost of like uniform etc). He quizzes them on what the items are for, whether they are necessary etc. Silly man. They are aware of what he is doing and they are very young teens.

Quite often money and kids are the only avenues for manipulation and control still available to these inadequate men. It's best not to engage directly with them in any way, and to do it through impersonal machinery like the CMS, solicitors, or courts although I appreciate that is difficult here because you're still sorting all that out.

Flip

1 2