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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wont sign petition / Living together / finances

52 replies

Sarah9988 · 04/08/2021 14:53

I told my husband i wanted a divorce over a year ago. I finally put in a petition which he wouldnt sign saying that he wanted to wait for a no fault divorce next year.

I cant wait until next year, its been too long and we are creating a horrible environment for our children.

I have re-written the petition so as to be more amicable and hes not going to sign that either. He is basically refusing to move out of the house and has clearly said he wants me out or the house sold. He doesnt have the means to move out and no money because he doesnt work. I am stuck living with him.

So I have two issues...

  1. What now? If I continue he is going to make things very difficult. He's already trying to throw up everything, its almost threatening and Im feeling very anxious about it all, but thats all it is. My solicitor says that in our circumstances, there is no reason the court would expect me and to sell/buy out/move out. But I've not had very many discussions with her and I'm concerned its not firm advice. She's been very slow in her work. Hes dragging things so I could be in this position for a long time.
  1. Our current financial situation is causing so many arguments at the moment. I work and dont see why he should have my wages. We get joint tax credits. He doesn't receive any other type of benefit (cant get job seekers) so my wages and tax credits are paying all the bills, the mortgage, for the children, both our debts (although he is also threatening to go bankrupt, again as a threat to me).
He does look after the children when I am at work, but when I am not he leaves everything to me. He thinks I should give him money for his phone, cigarettes, anything else as we get tax credits. I dont think i should because the tax credits dont even begin to cover his half of the bills. He says I am abusive in financial terms. Am I? He does get money from me - Ive just paid his phone for the last 3 months and he withdraws cash using my bank card, which he helps himself to. How should I be approaching this so as it is fair and legal? I tried giving him £50 a month, but it wasnt enough!

I dont know who to ask these questions, or about benefits or other things??

Thanks

OP posts:
Wolframhart · 04/08/2021 14:58

Sell the house. It’s rarely worth fighting for the house. Unless moving would completely disrupt the children’s schooling, just sell the house and get your life back.

Original poster
Sarah9988 · 04/08/2021 16:49

I have considered this just yo be free. But the kids school is 5 mins away, their friends are close by and I dont see why they should be disrupted any more than they will be. Also, we have not paid anything off our mortgage due to him not working, so it's only money from natural house increases and a bit of work we have done. I couldnt afford another house.

OP posts:
AllTheSingleLadiess · 04/08/2021 16:55

Can you raise a lump sum to get him to leave ?

titchy · 04/08/2021 16:58

You need a better lawyer. Currently he could make a good case for keeping the house for himself and the kids - as he's a SAHP and you work. Be careful.

MotherofTerriers · 04/08/2021 17:00

Sell the house to be free. Save up and buy again without him. Yes it will be disruptive for the kids to move, but you can't live like this

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2021 17:04

@titchy

You need a better lawyer. Currently he could make a good case for keeping the house for himself and the kids - as he's a SAHP and you work. Be careful.
Yes, I thought this too. Be very careful.

At the moment you’re describing a SAHP who has no access to family money (aka financial abuse). I appreciate this is probably not how it appears to you from the inside, but it would not be hard for a solicitor to argue that…

30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/08/2021 17:06

Imagine having to pay him Cms and possibly maintenance....
Fuck
That.

Original poster
Sarah9988 · 04/08/2021 17:29

I never looked at it like hes a SAHP. Surely though he couldnt support the children as he doesnt work?

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/08/2021 17:32

He would get tax credits etc...

titchy · 04/08/2021 17:36

@Sarah9988

I never looked at it like hes a SAHP. Surely though he couldnt support the children as he doesnt work?
Exactly. So you'd have to support him... how do you think SAHM manage when they divorce? They claim maintenance and possibly spousal support from the working ex husband.
Hekatestorch · 04/08/2021 17:40

He would have to do what sahp. Fighting for what they can in the divorce, then having to get a job, topped up by UC and CMS from you.

Its actually quite rare that the house is kept unless one can buy the other out. But in the circumstances, he is likely to get more than 50%. He isn't working and looks after the kids, while you work.

You may have to pay over half of the equity, to keep it.

Hekatestorch · 04/08/2021 17:41

Hasn't your solicitor explained that he could get more than half, as he can easily say he is the sahp?

Theunamedcat · 04/08/2021 17:47

OK, you need to seperate financially

Get different childcare for the children

Tell tax credits you are no longer a couple but you are living in the same house

Make a single claim he needs to make one too

Be very careful about leaving the children in his care while you work as he might claim he is the primary carer

See if you can get an occupation order for the house and if there is zero equity then what is the point in selling ffs

Original poster
Sarah9988 · 04/08/2021 17:54

S**t!
He not capable of having full custody. He cant even get them ready for school in the mornings. And I cannot loose my kids.
Now I'm worried, this is not what my solicitor said. She implied that the court wouldn't be impressed that he doesnt work, would not expect me to buy him out or move as I couldn't buy again, or borrow money to do this.
I dont really expect him to leave without giving him something, I do want him to live somewhere suitable for the kids to visit. But hes contributed very little over the years, I wouldn't even rely on maintenance from him.

OP posts:
user16395699 · 04/08/2021 17:58

You need a better solicitor, but also you need to stop being so passive and ask them direct questions instead of expecting them to guess what you want to know. If you don't tell them that you want advice on xyz then you won't get it and they'll just process paperwork you supply per your instructions.

The phrase is "instructing a solicitor to act" because you have to give instructions. If your instructions are just to file forms for you, that is what you get.

Secondly, I think you've lost perspective and need a bit of a reality check re the house and your children.

If the choice is between losing a 5 minute school journey and this: we are creating a horrible environment for our children

Then it's common sense that having a different route to school is the least damaging and least disruptive option to protect your children.

Don't dig your heels in to make a point about ideal school journeys when your children are paying the price with the damage to their wellbeing from the wider situation.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/08/2021 17:58

Op make sure it's you that attends all appointments with the dc.. That it's you that signs forms /permission slips /attends school for any issues... Establish yourself on paper as the primary carer... Keep the receipts for anything you shop for that the dc need... You should be able to show all his does is actually oversee them being in the home...

user16395699 · 04/08/2021 18:00

@Sarah9988

S**t! He not capable of having full custody. He cant even get them ready for school in the mornings. And I cannot loose my kids. Now I'm worried, this is not what my solicitor said. She implied that the court wouldn't be impressed that he doesnt work, would not expect me to buy him out or move as I couldn't buy again, or borrow money to do this. I dont really expect him to leave without giving him something, I do want him to live somewhere suitable for the kids to visit. But hes contributed very little over the years, I wouldn't even rely on maintenance from him.
Which is why you need to directly ask your solicitor for advice on this and what to do to move forward, not random people online who may or may not give correct legal advice.
Hekatestorch · 04/08/2021 18:01

Why would a court be unimpressed he doesn't work and looks after the kids while you work?

And she expects you to walk away with everything? Not having to leave the house, not having to buy him out?

And how does he house himself?

I doubt a court will impressed with a working parent trying to leave the sahp with nothing. Or the working parent all of a sudden getting childcare, after separation, to claim the sahp isn't a sahp.

I get what you are saying. That him not working wasn't a joint agreement. But many men say this when getting divorced.

Original poster
Sarah9988 · 04/08/2021 18:02

And Ive effectively created this possibility as I've forced him to look after the kids more while I work as hes not doing anything else Sad

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 04/08/2021 18:02

You can claim benifits whilst living together - have a look at childcare for the children and get them into holiday clubs etc

He can also claim as a single person

notapizzaeater · 04/08/2021 18:03

How old are the kids ? Are you claiming benefits as a single person ? Who's doing things like shopping / washing etc ?

Hekatestorch · 04/08/2021 18:03

I really think you need to be getting legal advice from someone else. I wouldn't be convinced your solicitor, is right.

Unless something hasn't been mentioned here, I wouldn't take what she says a gospel.

Original poster
Sarah9988 · 04/08/2021 18:05

Ok, thanks for the help. Its shown me a different perspective and demonstrated that I need to rethink and speak to my solicitor again. You're right, I've just gone to a solicitor and followed their lead which is form filling.
The reason I'm asking strangers is for these different perspectives. I dont know what I'm doing!

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 04/08/2021 18:07

@Sarah9988

I never looked at it like hes a SAHP. Surely though he couldnt support the children as he doesnt work?
What do you think a SAHP is? Someone who doesn't work and looks after the kids...
whatisheupto · 04/08/2021 18:14

Definitely get a new solicitor. Don't waste any more time and money on this one.