Husband wont sign petition / Living together / finances

[Sarah9988]

I told my husband i wanted a divorce over a year ago. I finally put in a petition which he wouldnt sign saying that he wanted to wait for a no fault divorce next year.

I cant wait until next year, its been too long and we are creating a horrible environment for our children.

I have re-written the petition so as to be more amicable and hes not going to sign that either. He is basically refusing to move out of the house and has clearly said he wants me out or the house sold. He doesnt have the means to move out and no money because he doesnt work. I am stuck living with him.

So I have two issues...

1. What now? If I continue he is going to make things very difficult. He's already trying to throw up everything, its almost threatening and Im feeling very anxious about it all, but thats all it is. My solicitor says that in our circumstances, there is no reason the court would expect me and to sell/buy out/move out. But I've not had very many discussions with her and I'm concerned its not firm advice. She's been very slow in her work. Hes dragging things so I could be in this position for a long time.

1. Our current financial situation is causing so many arguments at the moment. I work and dont see why he should have my wages. We get joint tax credits. He doesn't receive any other type of benefit (cant get job seekers) so my wages and tax credits are paying all the bills, the mortgage, for the children, both our debts (although he is also threatening to go bankrupt, again as a threat to me).

He does look after the children when I am at work, but when I am not he leaves everything to me. He thinks I should give him money for his phone, cigarettes, anything else as we get tax credits. I dont think i should because the tax credits dont even begin to cover his half of the bills. He says I am abusive in financial terms. Am I? He does get money from me - Ive just paid his phone for the last 3 months and he withdraws cash using my bank card, which he helps himself to. How should I be approaching this so as it is fair and legal? I tried giving him £50 a month, but it wasnt enough!

I dont know who to ask these questions, or about benefits or other things??

Thanks

I agree with the others - he could make a good case to say he’s the sahp and essentially stay in the house with the kids (as would be the assumption if he was a woman who was a sahm reliant on her husbands wage). Very difficult situation all round.

I guess I looked at it as being something you agreed on, as a couple. Not just something that happened because one person wouldn't work.
I still do the majority of the house work/kids stuff, appointments, organise things/morning school run etc.

it doesnt matter what you do for your DC, unless you have hard evidence that you do everything which includes paying for childcare when you are working, it is no different to a mother who doesnt work. Being married offers him alot more than you think...

If you're used to being controlled in your relationship, it's understandable that it didn't occur to you to take charge of the working relationship with your solicitor and just assumed the same passive backseat position.

But now that you're aware, you can change things.

It may be that once you actually start instructing your solicitor properly they will be more than capable of giving you the good advice you need. I think that needs to be a priority.

I think you’re looking at this wrong, sorry
Currently he’s considered a sahd. If the situation was reversed you’d be advised by a solicitor to keep the status quo until a settlement was reached
You’d also be expected, in as far as possible, to keep finances as they were in terms of who pays what, until settlement reacted
You need to push on the divorce and get it finalised

Why isn't he working? Is it because he is the stay at home parent? If so then he could end up getting the house and being main carer for kids.

Are kids both at school?

You need to turn this around as if it was a mother staying at home. The tax credits are joint. Your income, once it goes into your account, is a family asset. I see your frustration, but refusing to give him access to money beyond £12.50 a week would be considered abusive.

Why is the judgdment so different when the man is the SAHP. Isn't all money is family money the MN motto.

@Orf1abc

You need to turn this around as if it was a mother staying at home. The tax credits are joint. Your income, once it goes into your account, is a family asset. I see your frustration, but refusing to give him access to money beyond £12.50 a week would be considered abusive.

Yep this is very true. The tax credits are claimed as a couple. So belong equally to both.

Part of the reason I divorced my first husband was because he didn’t want to work. Sadly courts often just look at the status quo, not that one partner is shirking their responsibilities. You really need to pin your solicitor down in this issue.

@Viviennemary

Why is the judgdment so different when the man is the SAHP. Isn't all money is family money the MN motto.

Maybe because the context is different.

but refusing to give him access to money beyond £12.50 a week would be considered abusive.

This is very true.

I assume you took your kids out of paid childcare? So he could have them? I suppose it made sense at the time.

Why should he move out when it's you who wants the divorce. Why don't you move out.

@Sarah9988

I never looked at it like hes a SAHP. Surely though he couldnt support the children as he doesnt work?

That's the whole point of a sahp, they don't work because they are looking after the kids. He could argue in court that that is what he's doing

Is he a SAHP? If so then sorry but he is the same as a women staying at home to look after the kids and we don’t go around advising men to kick them out or give them £50 a month.

@Sarah9988

I guess I looked at it as being something you agreed on, as a couple. Not just something that happened because one person wouldn't work. I still do the majority of the house work/kids stuff, appointments, organise things/morning school run etc.

This sounds like how a lot of relationships evolve and is exactly what a lot of divorced husbands say. It was not a family decision it just happened. Well now you need to change this. Get your children into holiday clubs and childcare. Ensure you are doing everything for them. He is stalling - take this opportunity to change the set up.

@Sarah9988

I never looked at it like hes a SAHP. Surely though he couldnt support the children as he doesnt work?

Literally not the point as you would be the one paying child support

However if the children are school age he would be expected to find work

I havent stop paying for childcare for him to look after the children. We have always managed between us or my parents. The kids are at primary school.
As for £50 a month. I dont have very much disposable income. I am paying debts for both of us. I certainly dont have £50 a month to spend on myself. He has everything, including food, bought for him. I dont consider him to fulfil the role of a SAHP in terms of the other duties that come with that role.
It was not a joint decision that he should be a SAHP, he has walked out of several jobs and I've supported him whilst he tried businesses at home, despite them not working and creating more debt.
I'm not against SAHP, I would have loved to be able to do that. I work so my kids can eat and have a home, as do we all

@Sarah9988

I havent stop paying for childcare for him to look after the children. We have always managed between us or my parents. The kids are at primary school. As for £50 a month. I dont have very much disposable income. I am paying debts for both of us. I certainly dont have £50 a month to spend on myself. He has everything, including food, bought for him. I dont consider him to fulfil the role of a SAHP in terms of the other duties that come with that role. It was not a joint decision that he should be a SAHP, he has walked out of several jobs and I've supported him whilst he tried businesses at home, despite them not working and creating more debt. I'm not against SAHP, I would have loved to be able to do that. I work so my kids can eat and have a home, as do we all

Can your parents take on more child care for a while?

Not really sure what anyone can say, tbh. From what you have wrote here, he is a sahp. That means, that if he wanted to argue for more of the assets, he may win. It also means he would have a good chance of at least 50:50 care of the kids, perhaps even more.

This is fairly standard in any divorce where one works and stays at home. Whether you now say this wasn't a choice doesn't really matter.

You, may, have a chance if you can prove you actively fought against this and seperated soon after. But that's I have no clue if that would work.

But a divorce isn't going to he granted, if it appears he is walking away with nothing. And as he doesn't work, his need may be seen as greater than yours.

How long has he been out of work?

Please be careful. My best friend was in this situation. Her ex hardly worked, the kids were at school and she also paid a childminder. By the time of the divorce the kids were almost Uni age.

Her ex was out of work for years, just a few p/t jobs. Her solicitor told her she would be sitting pretty.

By the time the house was sold and the debts the ex had run up on cards paid off, she and the ex got 5k each. That’s it. 20 years of her paying a mortgage for that. He also got half her pension.

He took her back to court and claimed he was a sahp, trying to claim maintainance for the couple of years their youngest was not at uni. The kids lived with her throughout the divorce and couldn’t stay with him as he had purposely moved to a one bedroom flat and “couldn’t” have them to stay.

He got awarded maintainance. She had no money left and her elderly mother paid him off.

The solicitor’s fees were £35k

I’m sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear but every time I hear friends say it’s ok, this seems to happen to them in one way or another.

My friend - happiest she’s ever been now he’s out of the way.

Just to go back to the original post, you don't have to just accept he won't sign divorce papers. If you have drafted benign reasons then get the papers served by a process server to prove he has received them .if he ignores them and you can prove he's had them, you can press ahead and apply for decree nisi on the basis they've been received and he (hopefully)doesn't contest

Agree with @Moutainwoman. Get the divorce rolling. You don't have to have his compliance, but get the papers formally served if necessary so you can prove you've done your bit. If he then chooses to ignore, then that's on him, you've got proof he's had them and can continue. Don't bother engaging with him directly about it, you'll just waste energy on someone who isn't interested in this.
With regard to him being classified as a SAHP, what's his view on that do you think? Does he actually do a lot of looking after them while you are at work? Does he WANT to be a primary/resident carer? Has he any interest in getting a job?
Whilst I agree you should tread carefully, the stories above are scary and real, so keep track of what you are doing and what he is doing etc, it's not necessarily something HE wants.
My ex lost his job part way through our divorce. I was paying everything. He just sat there on his fat arse for 18 months, drinking and doing nothing. The fact was, once the end was near and he knew had to stand on his own two feet, he suddenly managed to get a job. I was doing most of the parental duties and he had no interest in all that.

We split assets roughly 50/50. I would anticipate that at the least, which may mean selling the house unless you can raise enough to buy him out? It would be worth looking into another solicitor. In my (limited!) experience, they can have quite significantly different approaches and yours sounds a bit lack lustre. It could be worth the minor of hassle switching while you're in the early stages.
You really need to get the ball rolling. Deal with your side of the street, leave him to sort his side out. Be prepared for him to dig his heels in - he's sounds like a lazy twat with no incentive to move on while he's got a roof over his head - but keep chipping away and soon he won't have that privilege.
Unless you are a mega high earner, even IF he were to somehow wangle maintenance out of you, it wouldn't be enough to supplement his cushy lifestyle. I suspect that would soon hit home.

You need to claim whatever benefits you can as a single parent. Then he can make a claim for Universal Credit.

Get different childcare.

Stop paying HIS fucking debts.

Get a different solicitor.

Stop paying HIS debts

Joint debts will be dealt with in the divorce

Going back to the original post if he will not sign then a d11 is needed to be filled out. This then goes to a judge showing that services has been deemed. It costs £50 and I did this myself although a solicitor can do this for you. I then sent photos of all the messages saying that they had received the paperwork and were refusing to sign it.

However please be warned it takes 1 month to go to the judge then 3 months for it to be processed. We received something back saying the judge was happy that services were deemed and we could apply for decree nisi.