Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Why would a ‘dad’ who wants no involvement with his child refuse a full child custody order to mother?

45 replies

Ele01 · 30/07/2021 16:51

Why would a father who has said he wants no involvement with child refuse a custody order of me having full custody of our child during divorce I find this odd like is this a control thing? he doesn’t want anything to do with the child and doesn’t even ask about the child about their well-being and after divorce a custody order was mentioned and he refused and he would not consent to a custody order regarding child for mother to have full custody

Any thoughts or any experiences of a similar thing?

OP posts:
user1498572889 · 30/07/2021 16:57

It’s so he has control over your life through your child. Don’t play his games Take him to court.

longwayoff · 30/07/2021 16:59

Agreed. Usual twattishness. Because he can.

Original poster
Ele01 · 31/07/2021 08:54

I did mediation i they reached out to him and he refused it so now it’s been left at my end wondering what to do? He’s made it plain he wants nothing to do with child and has stopped sending birthday gifts etc and has never asked about child and certainly never seen child so I’m wondering why he won’t just agree to the full custody, but yeah do you think he’s doing that on purpose I don’t see the point though why he won’t get a custody order if he doesn’t want to see child?

OP posts:
waterSpider · 31/07/2021 10:49

Do you even need an order? Usually such orders are not made unless there is a strong reason for it.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2021 10:51

It's called bloodymindedness.

Original poster
Ele01 · 31/07/2021 11:03

@HollowTalk what is that? What does the term bloodymindedness mean? Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ele01 · 31/07/2021 11:05

@waterSpidern I don’t think so? But I just find it strange why he wouldn’t consent to just full custody for me if he wants nothing to do with child I was told after divorce it’s just what normally follows after the financial aspect is always child custody . I think it worries me that father saying he wants nothing to do with child however he won’t consent to full custody for me legally x

OP posts:
user16395699 · 31/07/2021 11:06

Is he your ex due to abuse?

Positivelyrandom · 31/07/2021 11:08

He doesn’t want to pay for the child’s needs.

KidneyBeans · 31/07/2021 11:27

If he has no interest then you have full custody by default. Just continue the status quo and make sure you claim through CMS

RedMarauder · 31/07/2021 11:29

OP what country are you in?

As in the UK there is no such thing as custody but parental responsibility. Parental responsibility is rarely removed from either parent by the courts. It is also left to the parent the child doesn't live with, non-residential parent (NRP), to seek to maintain contact with their child and for that parent to go to Court where both of you cannot agree on contact arrangements, as it regarded in the child's best interests to have both parents involved in their lives.

If he doesn't want to see your joint child then simply don't involve him. I've got a few friends and acquaintances whose fathers fucked off when they were small and turned up when they were between 15-18. They told their fathers where to go. (A couple have far better relationships with their half-siblings from their father who did the same to that half-sibling.)

Also he doesn't have a choice but to pay the minimum for the child's needs legally until they are 18 either through the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) or a Court Order depending on his earnings. He pays regardless of whether he sees the child or not. Obviously he can find ways of wiggling out of paying the CMS but if you don't put a claim in you won't get anything.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/07/2021 11:43

I agree with the others, if he has nothing to do with the child then just carry on as you are surely?

Original poster
Ele01 · 31/07/2021 11:53

@user16395699 well financially and emotionally yes but more so didn’t help me when I was seriously ill and wasn’t hands on with child etc. But it’s worse now since separation he’s turned on me and child he’s so cold towards child that’s what is so upsetting x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ele01 · 31/07/2021 11:57

@RedMarauder the UK, ah ok so it’s just parental responsibility. What you said makes sense thank you. He refused to pay support so after 3 months i applied for cms. We was going through court at the time and went straight for a reduction in cms after the first payment due to a variation he claimed to be paying a the full mortgage and he wasn’t even paying so because he couldn’t prove it to cms (because he wasn’t paying anything) the variation got rejected.
That was awful.
But he is paying now

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/07/2021 12:00

If he gives up parental responsibility I don't think you can claim CMS

RedMarauder · 31/07/2021 12:05

Well he's a dick in multiple ways.

Due to him screwing around don't rely on the CMS money see it as an extra.

I know people whose fathers did everything not to pay so the child support agency, as it was then, eventually wrote of the debt when the child was an adult in their 20s.

Marmitemarinaded · 31/07/2021 12:07

You want it.

That is why he won’t give it.

Simple as that

RedMarauder · 31/07/2021 12:09

@RandomMess

If he gives up parental responsibility I don't think you can claim CMS
It isn't easy to get rid of parental responsibility as the child has their own rights regardless of what both parent want/think.

And it's probably even harder if the child is one of the marriage e.g. the OP was married when she had the child or re-registered the child after getting married.

Kendodd · 31/07/2021 12:14

Also he doesn't have a choice but to pay the minimum for the child's needs legally until they are 18

Hilarious!
If only that were true.
The reality is men don't pay a penny if they don't want to and it's almost impossible to make them. It's a completely toothless system.

RedMarauder · 31/07/2021 12:17

@Kendodd

Also he doesn't have a choice but to pay the minimum for the child's needs legally until they are 18

Hilarious!
If only that were true.
The reality is men don't pay a penny if they don't want to and it's almost impossible to make them. It's a completely toothless system.

You seem unable to read -

I also put :
"Obviously he can find ways of wiggling out of paying the CMS but if you don't put a claim in you won't get anything."

Original poster
Ele01 · 31/07/2021 13:08

Yes I don’t think you can give up parental responsibility? Without it being taken away for example through adoption? - yeah he is paying cms now I was told if he misses one they go straight to direct pay were they take it from employment wages.

And yes it appears because maybe I wanted it sorted properly documented the custody arrangement that he refused just seemed odd like I said because if he never has intentions to be involved - I just wanted it so I had documented he choose to not be involved not that I stopped it etc x

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/07/2021 13:11

I would just drop it. If he wants contact or to interfere with school choices then he would have to take it to mediation then court.

You can evidence his no contact and non-involvement.

user16395699 · 31/07/2021 13:13

[quote Ele01]@user16395699 well financially and emotionally yes but more so didn’t help me when I was seriously ill and wasn’t hands on with child etc. But it’s worse now since separation he’s turned on me and child he’s so cold towards child that’s what is so upsetting x[/quote]
Ok, domestic abuse, yes. So this is a continuation of that abuse. It's that simple. Don't waste energy, time and headspace analysing it because there is nothing more to it.

He's an abuser. This is more abuse. Abuse is about power and control, not the specific tactics, that's it.

Maybe do the Freedom Programme course if you haven't already, as it may help you to see his behaviour more clearly for what it is and protect you and your child better by identifying it and not engaging.

user16395699 · 31/07/2021 13:14

It's not odd. It's a way of having power and exerting control over you.

Which is all abuse is.

RedMarauder · 31/07/2021 20:00

And yes it appears because maybe I wanted it sorted properly documented the custody arrangement that he refused just seemed odd like I said because if he never has intentions to be involved - I just wanted it so I had documented he choose to not be involved not that I stopped it etc

Yep it is difficult to give up parental responsibility particularly on the terms the dick is claiming at the moment. So what you want can't happen like that.

Also the Family Courts will ignore what he is saying now if he suddenly turns around and wants a relationship with your joint child later, as they want your child to have a relationship with both parents. So it doesn't matter if he says or writes he doesn't want contact now.

What I've observed over the years that generally if you try to obstruct the relationship between your child and their father, the child will believe the father's sob story of why there was no contact earlier and want a relationship. However if you are always open that they can have a relationship and he shows he is a shit father by not wanting one plus does random tricks to avoid paying child maintenance, then your child will tell the dick where to go if he suddenly decides he's interested in having a relationship when your child is 15+.

Swipe left for the next trending thread