How did you tell your long term partner/husband it was over?

[Netflixandeat]

I have been with my husband for over 10 years and we share 2 children but I’m done

There is nothing that will change how I feel.

1. I don’t love him anymore, I like him as a person most of the time but that’s it
2. He hurt me a couple of years ago (cheated) and I’ve never truly got over it
3. He works away a lot and I don’t miss him, or get excited for him coming home
4. I mentioned couples counselling a while back, I told him my friend was having it with her husband and he told me he would never do it and if you need counselling then the marriage is already over

I could stay, because it would be easier for me to stay but I don’t want the kids seeing this marriage and thinking this is normal. We don’t fight or argue (much), there is a severe lack of love. I feel he does love me, but I don’t feel the same.

Help please

Oh sorry cross posted. Just saw your update @peachescariad. It's so hard to know what to do, when you are weighing everything up, thinking what could I lose and what might I gain. Sounds like you lead fairly separate lives already.

@peachescariad if he's like my H, then he will brush it under the carpet hoping it will go away. Which it has done for many years for us. I'm starting to stand up to him and he's struggling. I have finally, after all these years found "My Self - Worth"

Girl power!!!
Yes, I also wish we can get together for a drink and a good gossip, but for now, this is not bad.

I would just like to say, do not wait for too long. Life is to be lived and enjoyed. I am 51 and separating but I could have done it (and should have) 15 years ago. I keep thinking about all the amazing adventures I could have had in all these years.

After months of telling him I wanted to split politely & him ignoring it I had a massive meltdown, told him it was over, he tried to set the house on fire & the police helped me pack the car to stay in a hotel overnight. We had been together 9 years & married nearly 8 years, ds was 6.

I ended a 10 year relationship 2 months before we were due to marry.

I told him the day I knew. It hit me like a fucking bell that actually I was really unhappy and one of the reasons I was unhappy was because I was with him.

I sat him down and said I needed to talk. It went like this:

Plink: "I need to talk to you. I'm so sorry I have to say this but I dont think I want to get married right now. Do you think we can postpone the wedding?"

Ex: "No, you either marry me or we break up."

I chose the latter. I think I suggested postponing it to ease the blow. It was pretty uncomfortable but I was utterly relieved to no longer be with him. Over the years, I've looked back and realised he was actually abusive.

We didn't have kids though (thank god) so you've got an infinitely more difficult situation. So maybe this will help:

Dont let your marriage be the model upon which your children base their relationships. Do you want your children seeing how unhappy you are? To see you struggling with this? If they're young they might not see it but they will if and when they're older.

Your children deserve happy parents.

I think kids are fine...they've never witnessed arguments or rows or a fight cos we just never did that...we don't communicate enough to argue! I'm more snappy with him now cos he irritates me so much but kids are 22, 20 & 18 now.
We work as mum and dad...well, when they were little and needed us, but we don't work just us 2. I hate it when it's just us when all 3 kids are out.
I think real crunch time will come when all 3 kids have moved out. I work full time anyway.
I don't know whether I'd be more lonely on my own. I'm just disappointed that he's not my best friend or soul mate like other women say about their Hs. He never was though even from the start.
I've always thought we should never have got married and I bet I blurted that out in my drunken rant Saturday night too...ffs!

@peachescariad this quote really hit home with me - don't know whether I'd be more lonely on my own. I'm just disappointed that he's not my best friend or soul mate like other women say about their Hs. He never was though even from the start.

I am 55 coming out of a 23 year marriage and I am the same. I see other couples who clearly still love each other after so many years together. I am terrified of the future but also have had no physical contact or emotional attachment for a few years. He was never very affectionate in the first place. Like you the kids are grown up aged almost 18 and 21 but it is daunting to find yourself in this position when, if with the right man you would be looking forward to enjoying life - weekends away etc.

Whatever you blurted out was how you felt so don't feel bad - the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself so let's hope he takes it on the chin and realises that there is no future. I am in a grieving process just now for what I thought life would have been like.

Sending hugs.

Hi,
Same feelings here. Married to a nice man but non-existant marriage. It is dead and he been for years. I filed for divorce just after Christmas and he moved out in the spring.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. Like you, I couldn’t stand him near me and sex was crap (I wasn’t turned on by him). Also, if we went out for a meal (local pub or something) he would sit there and not utter a word!! A ten year age gap (him older) didn’t help. It was very obvious - to me, anyway - that this wasn’t a marriage. I was naive and inexperienced when I married him. I had been quiet as a teen/young woman and hadn’t experienced men at all. I had low confidence and had convinced myself I would be left on the shelf. I did have a relationship at 19 with an absolutely gorgeous man but he was using me (had a pregnant girlfriend in his hometown that I eventually found out about). Looking back, for me, a combination of hurt and inexperience led me to marry him. I knew he never excited me or anything. We just ‘got along’ but now I realise it was just a friendship. I was an absolute fool. I stopped sex (it was very infrequent anyway as I wasn’t attracted to him and he was so pathetic at it) when our daughter was 1 - she is now 13!! Enough is enough. Things really kicked off for me when I entered the menopause and my life was turned upside down. My marriage deteriorated further and I built up enormous courage to end it. I felt an immediate sense of relief. I had been protecting him and the kids but allowing myself to suffer. It was affecting me badly.

Leave him. You have to!

Our second was conceived artificially- even the doctor questioned our compatibility 15 years ago!!
I wanted to be a mum so much I carried on in this fake existence. I feel very bitter at what I could’ve had.

Told my DH it was definitely over on Friday (I have been staying at my parents for last 7 weeks). Have had constant txts, phone calls going from acceptance to begging me to work with him. Met him to talk today about separating assets or so I thought, was just another meeting of me saying it is over and breaking his heart.
I have dealt with his infidelity, alcoholism and been sidelined for kids for years I asked for help and now it is too late. I feel like a total cow and know our kids would love us to stay together.

I'm aghast at how many threads like this there are on MN. I'm in the same boat. STBXH wants to come back.... to a dead marriage!!! 🙄

Not married, but been / am in a similar situation - Last year told STBX I wasn't happy, he basically said he wasn't going to leave my house because of our daughter - promises made, suggestions of counselling that never came to fruition - nothing changed.
The final straw came a couple of months ago, me still bending over backwards with our daughter, running the house and him basically sitting on his arse and only getting involved with his daughter when necessary or when he felt like it - the straw that broke the camel's back was our 4 yr old DD begging him to take her to ballet as she wanted him there and him saying "it's not his thing" for the 2nd time. I could never bring anything up with him I was unhappy about, he would shut me down, make out it was my fault or I was in some way mental or unreasonable. I was done and I told him.
I'm selling MY house but for now he is still living here - it's awful, but I'm looking ahead to having a new start - my only issue now is he has decided he wants 50/50 contact (at present I would say 70/30 is a generous description) - I'm guessing so he doesn't have to pay maintenance - but has said "I don't have to work around your work anymore, just mine" 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️