How did you tell your long term partner/husband it was over?

[Netflixandeat]

I have been with my husband for over 10 years and we share 2 children but I’m done

There is nothing that will change how I feel.

1. I don’t love him anymore, I like him as a person most of the time but that’s it
2. He hurt me a couple of years ago (cheated) and I’ve never truly got over it
3. He works away a lot and I don’t miss him, or get excited for him coming home
4. I mentioned couples counselling a while back, I told him my friend was having it with her husband and he told me he would never do it and if you need counselling then the marriage is already over

I could stay, because it would be easier for me to stay but I don’t want the kids seeing this marriage and thinking this is normal. We don’t fight or argue (much), there is a severe lack of love. I feel he does love me, but I don’t feel the same.

Help please

My BIL came home from counselling one day and said we need to figure out how we're going to co-parent.

Don't do that.

Said to my sister that should say.

There is never a right time. That’s what kept me from doing anything but it affected me badly and I knew I had to do something.

This is so true. I knew for a long time that I couldn't continue in the marriage-m but I still held on, trying to persuade myself that it was a temporary blip, that it was a bad time, that I was failing...and all the time I was getting more and more miserable. My sleep was shot to pieces, my stomach was in knots but worst of all I could feel 'the black dogs circling'- ie depression coming back.

I felt enormously guilty, for so many reasons- and I didn't want to hurt him. I felt so bad that I was going to hurt him- but in the end, it was self-preservation, I think. His hurt v mine. Mine won. But it was a hard-fought battle.

I felt the same about not wanting to hurt him. He hadn’t done anything wrong but the connection and love just wasn’t there. I was hurting myself prolonging things and it became obvious when I suddenly started changing jobs (which I’d never done before - I’d always been stable and happy in my job), deliberately getting a job that would allow me to stay away from home (which I left after 6 months), not enjoying being a mother and spending hours sat in the car each weekend and evening so I didn’t have to go home. I admit menopause made me worse - less tolerable - but, after a lot of soul searching, I knew the real reason for my unhappiness and had to act. I wasn’t in love with him and our marriage was nothing more than a friendship. His laziness got to me in the end as I was carrying everything and everyone.

I know what you mean when you say a ‘hard fought battle’.

I am also in this alone at the moment as I haven’t told anyone we have split. I have no parents and I wasn’t close to my older brothers (big age gap). My oldest brother has never wanted me to marry him anyway so he is the last person I wanted to tell.
My colleagues in my new job (been there a year) think he doesn’t exist as I never talk about him so I know I’ll have to come clean soon.
Have you seen the movie ‘Meet Joe Black’? A scene at the beginning of that movie says it all to me - Anthony Hopkins talking to his daughter about the man she is about to marry (she called it off eventually). I knew exactly what he meant and knew I’d never felt like that about my husband. Sadly, I didn’t have a father to give me that talk at the time and I had been so inexperienced and naive I didn’t realise that I was signing my life away.

Sorry I have only just seen these posts. I’m at work so can’t reply properly until tonight.

We had a really bad weekend and I was so so close to doing it, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I don’t know when I’m ever going to manage.

I’m close with my parents and I feel if I told them first, they could help guide me however I’m really struggling to even bring up the courage to tell them. With separation comes a lot of destruction, not just between my husband and I but with children and both sides of the family, and this is another reason stopping me from doing anything. I’ve never been one to put myself first or look after my needs first which is obviously part of the problem.

You will suffer in the long term if you don’t do anything. It’s obvious you aren’t in love with him but it’s your decision to either split or stay and live with it. I think there are a lot of people out there in the same boat tbh.

Well since I have just come back inside from having has 'the conversation'..I can honestly say, its awful :(
He is a lovely kind man and a great dad, we have just become housemates and I don't think I can live like that for the rest of my life....he is ok with it though, his primary concern seems to be, being alone in his fifties all abandoned, which of course will be down to me..feck I need a drink.
How on earth do people keep moving this forward, I just want to run back in to a cave and hide!

@Torres10 u gotta stay strong. I didn't and gave in to pressure from family.

So how do you move forward now?
Hugs to you. It all so very sad isn't it.

@Torres10 I feel for you. The immediate aftermath is quite distressing I think.

You keep moving it forward because you know that this is the right decision for you, and if you went back on what you said today, you'd only have to do it again further down the line. And it would be worse then.

This was the biggest hurdle, so well done. Just don't turn back , because that hurdle gets taller if you do.

@Milkshake01 & Shodan, thank you for your kind words x

I know I need to keep moving forward, but its so easy to doubt whats' best, particularly when you are good friends, and would like to remain so..i know I probably need to let that illusion go :(

@Torres10

Well since I have just come back inside from having has 'the conversation'..I can honestly say, its awful :( He is a lovely kind man and a great dad, we have just become housemates and I don't think I can live like that for the rest of my life....he is ok with it though, his primary concern seems to be, being alone in his fifties all abandoned, which of course will be down to me..feck I need a drink. How on earth do people keep moving this forward, I just want to run back in to a cave and hide!

Yes, @Torres10 it is bloody awful. No matter the circumstances, this is really hard. It has been three months since I had the talk with my STBX and it still hurts. I wake up every morning with the sickness in my tummy. I wake up in the middle of the night, mostly and cannot fall back to sleep. Last night I woke up at 3am, never fell back to sleep and even now as I am sitting and "chatting" with my STBX, nervousness is killing me. He is moving out in two weeks and I hope to god that it will get better after that.

Hang on my friends, at least we have each other's support.

i know I probably need to let that illusion go

Not necessarily, although obviously it does depend on your STBX. I can still have a laugh with XH, and we occasionally send each other funny memes or something. I know I can phone him for help if I need it, and vice versa.

It was unexpected, and I'm very grateful for the effort he has put in (although this was mainly to make life as easy as possible for ds2).

Yes I am hoping too that we will not become estranged totally, but we will see. My STBX was difficult to get along with when we were married I figure it may only become worse, but we will see.

@loveyourself2020 yes it's nice to have this support. Thanks all ❤️

Hugs to you all. Kind of reassuring as well as sad to see others in the same boat.

I could have written some of these posts about my DH - nice man, good with our two young kids, but we have nothing in common anymore and I just don't love him. I was lying awake after really crap sex last night and just realised so clearly that this marriage is over.

I don't want to do this to our children, I don't want to give up our lovely house. No idea what to do now but start to get my head around it. He has previously refused my suggestion of counseling but I might raise it again.

Thank you for posting this as I'm in a huge mess abs din of these comments have really helped.
Dead marriage and has been for about 15 years. He's a nice man but I have absolutely no feelings for him. We're not compatible and don't even like the same things. Sex was always shit so I stopped it about 10 years ago. 3 young adult DCs. There is no physical contact at all or signs of affection.
We never go out just 2 of us as he has nothing to say and I can't bear his company and he's boring.
I can't bear him anywhere near me and I can't see us staying together once kids have moved out/we retire.
Last Saturday I got completely drunk and it all came out ...pretty much everything I've just written...but unfortunately I can't remember much of the convo...just lots of crying saying how this is not how I imagined my life to be mid 50s.
Thing is I can't believe he can be that surprised at my meltdown considering how we've been last 15 years....but I think he's reeling and he's hurt.
I don't really want to have another chat about it.. I've said it...it's out there now.

'And these comments' ...it should read. Sorry

@peachescariad, so sorry for your predicament, it is odd that they are so shocked isn't it!
It's almost like they are living in a different reality I think!
You will have to broach it again you know. He will bury it, quite happy to bumble along, until you crack again.
I do wonder if it's harder for men to consider the concept of being alone, whereas for women, especially if you have brought up a family, the concept of your own space and front door, has us skipping down the halls:)

It does seem that men are more likely to just bob along and not want to change (unless they have an affair I guess). My therapist told me that. While women work harder on the relationship once they have enough, that is that, no going back. For men, they do not make much effort at all and are ok with the thing to continue on. In case of my STBX, as long as we had sex at least once a week he though we were doing great. Idk why this is. It is also a well known fact that women cope much, much better being single then men.

I told my STBX on numerous occasions that our marriage is in crises and he would agree with me. For me word "crises" meant "end of the rope", in his mind, perhaps it meant, "we did not have sex for a few weeks".

@peachescariad
Do not give in. You do not have to go into the details with him again (if you think you said it all, even if you were drunk), but you should sit down with him again, and soon (they seem to forget these things easily), and tell him that it is over. You can tell him just that, or you can add as many or as little details you are comfortable with. I always think that the more you talk the easier you will lose his attention and will get entangled in the unnecessary jabber. So simple, short and to the point. If you are sure that this is what you want, you just tell him, " I am not happy in this marriage and I want out."

Yes a few years ago I warned my husband that he's going to loose me.
And a lot of men would actually like a wife like me!! He was moaning about something that I did. Again..
I feel I've been working at this marriage for far too long and your therapist is so right!
March 2020, I told my husband after a few drinks also. Purposely enough to get the strength & courage, and not too much alcohol so that I would forget everything I said. The next morning he had a go at me saying I was horrible last night. And started to proceed with the usual 3 day sulk. I replied, I meant every word. He was flabbergasted. How on earth could he be when we don't even sleep in the same bed. Haven't done for 6 years!!
I agree, some men like to just plod along in their own little world thinking everything is just ok!
I have to get a few things in place before we have "the chat" again. When he moved out last year he completely cleared the joint bank account. Left me with zero money. And cancelled every single direct debit!! It was such a mess!!
He even cancelled the car insurance & didn't tell me for a few days so I was driving the car around with my child in, uninsured..
I do work but only part time. & I do pay my way with the bills..
I have raised 4 children. Youngest still in school. Others are young adults. Still at home. One is a student so I'm still supporting. Need to get some money in the bank first.. then I'm good to go.

Thank you ...I'm actually going to see if he brings it up and says something like' so what are we going to do about us then?' Tbh i don't think he will. He's a crap communicator and we'll bumble on for another x number of years. I don't want to sell my lovely house until I retire and move back to Wales.
I'm so thankful for this thread! I wish we could all meet up for a coffee!

@peachescariad that sounds so tough. But he must realise this is no way to live, it doesn't sound like a situation anyone would be happy with. Has he mentioned it again since? Do you think he is gearing up to bury it, or taking a while to process what you said?