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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Nesting... Can it work with one house?

34 replies

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 02/07/2021 22:51

I'm wondering if people have managed to live part time, with separate bedrooms, in the same house post-separation? I'm just trying to think of the least disruptive thing for the dc.. I could move out for my non days, or come in later maybe.. Trying to feel out possibilities and would love to know if anyone else has worked out similar. I have no interest in meeting someone else in the near future so that's not a consideration for now, just the dc to think of.
Also having dinner together, holidaying, does that ever work? Even just Christmas Day say?

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 23:20

You can only try it, HeyGirl. I've known people who have managed this successfully but most would find it difficult.

Good luck.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 02/07/2021 23:22

If you do anything together, including cooking meals, it won’t count as being separated.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 02/07/2021 23:29

Not cooking meals but a planned shared meal for a birthday say, why would that not count as a separation? I would mean to do all the legal stuff prior to this situation, if that's possible. Perhaps it's not. I know the nesting wouldn't be forever and we could probably plod along as we are but it's a pretty lonely life right now so I'm trying to make plans in my head for if it doesn't work out and with the dc firmly in mind.

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Febo24 · 03/07/2021 08:11

I think it's a good idea to explore and I looked into it, but eventually it became obvious that it was going to be too much for us, the kids etc and my STBX moved into a rented house. It's better this way, for us.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 03/07/2021 08:49

Ok thanks Febo. I feel anything else, at least initially, would be too much.

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millymollymoomoo · 03/07/2021 09:21

Personally I don’t feel it’s a good idea
You dc could find it confusing too
Both parents need to be able to move on and that is more difficult in this type of arrangement
Dc can be very resilient especially parents are not dragging them into adult issues - they can and do accept separation and house moves etc

Of course, finances will play a major part but I think staying in the one house is only doable on a temporary interim basis

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 03/07/2021 09:30

OK thanks I will take it on board. I suppose I was thinking we'd be really clear on the separation side of it and that mostly children care about the change for them so I was trying to keep that change minimal.. We have been quite separate in many ways for a while. Perhaps as a starting block it might work, house is big enough to accommodate us in two rooms say.. It's very sad if it comes to it Sad but it's looking like the more likely option.

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Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 25/07/2021 22:50

I know I should probably start a new thread but I'm wondering if anyone ended things and regretted it later.. I'm afraid I'm looking at the negatives too much..

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Donationwitheverypack · 25/07/2021 22:56

I only know one person who's done this long term. She's been thoroughly miserable for most of it and they keep getting back together - read she's very convenient and he can say the right things for sex.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 25/07/2021 23:02

Oh no. Oh well that definitely wouldn't happen and I'm not fooling myself it could work long term but thought it might be the easiest start for the dc, and for me tbh.

OP posts:
user16395699 · 25/07/2021 23:07

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Oh no. Oh well that definitely wouldn't happen and I'm not fooling myself it could work long term but thought it might be the easiest start for the dc, and for me tbh.
Gently, I think this plan is more for your benefit than the DC's.

It would be incredibly confusing and therefore unsettling for them.

As to regrets - that's a normal part of grieving* as we make sense of what has happened and how to move forward. Don't make your decisions based on trying to avoid any moment of regret, because you will make rubbish decisions.

*for the future you had expected to have, for the relationship you once had, for the life you wish you were living - for all the things that aren't possible

Vanillarose1 · 25/07/2021 23:08

It completely depends what kind of terms you are on.

I lived in the same house as my exH for a year after we separated and it was the worst experience of my life. I still have PTSD from it. During that year, we divorced and I met someone else and things went from bad to worse with exh. There were violent threats, he would search my room when I went out, move my things around (sleeping with the enemy style) and he would tell me that he came into my room to watch me sleeping.

The day I finally got him out was the best day of my life. I changed the locks and finally slept soundly. Incidentally he is still like this 4 years on and I've had to file a police report for the first time in my life.

I thought we could do it amicably but it didn't work out like that. I couldn't recommend this idea to anyone I'm afraid unless your split is entirely mutual.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 25/07/2021 23:12

I vomited every morning as soon as I woke up from the moment we split until the day he moved out. I honestly couldn't have lived with him any longer than I had to.

I also think a clean break is easier and less confusing for the children. Yes it's upsetting but blurry boundaries are harder than difficult absolutes.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 25/07/2021 23:13

Oh gosh, thank you both and thank you for your kindness Flowers

It won't be completely mutual I ghjbn as tho we are both pretty miserable I know DH would prefer to stick it out no matter what and I'm not prepared to do so. Things have improved somewhat due to effort and counselling but unless something changes massively in the next few months I think I'd be doing myself an in justice to stay butthe fear of regret and especially of hurting him and leaving him alone is massive... Sad

I see what you mean re confusing for dc but I suppose I would say we've been quite separate in ways for quite a while, we tag team rather than parent together for large chunks of the time.. I thought it might be an easier way for them to get used to it ie to see everything hasn't changed completely.

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WeWantTheFinestWines · 25/07/2021 23:15

My ex and I shared our house for almost 4 years post separation, separate bedrooms. Took turns cooking and food shopping, ate as a family with our 2 DC (now 12 and 14). This was all for financial reasons. We told DC what was going on, it didn't affect them hugely as we were both still there. I had a BF for a while that they knew about, but didn't meet.

It wasn't ideal and I'm glad that we no longer live like that. We bought a sort of second home and take turns to live there, week on, week off. DC have had minimal disruption and don't have to move back and forth. We're the ones moving every week. I think the reason we could do it was that we were not a big love match, never married. 14 years together, but the glue was the DC really. So neither of us minds the other one dating and we get on reasonably well. And we both wanted to split. If there's a lot of emotion and hurt, sharing a home would be very difficult. And it's weird washing your ex's socks.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 25/07/2021 23:16

OK, another big no from you I'veputmyselfonthenaughtytable... I feel a bit like that now. I thought at least once decision had been made it would help. I feel dreadfully guilty.. There's so much good in him but we seem so incompatible now and it's all so draining.

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Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 25/07/2021 23:40

Only see your post now Wewantthefinestwines, that's interesting and that was a long time!! And you're continuing nesting now. How do you feel without a set home? I don't think we could do that level of closeness as there's very little conversation between us unless I talk but I just thought as there's a room it would make a reasonable first step.

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HerrenaHarridan · 26/07/2021 00:17

People on here act like anything other than a nuclear family is damaging to kids

It isn’t

Your kids with normalise whatever you make their normal be.

As long as they are loved and supported they will be ok in the long term

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 26/07/2021 09:23

Well yes I will do all I can to do that of course but it's still incredibly nerve wracking to think of it. This wasn't the plan, of course. I feel dreadful about it all. He is the less calm parent also so I feel bad that there could be hairy times and I won't be there to support both.

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queenofcandleford · 26/07/2021 16:19

I think probably no unless you have a very separate annexe. The boundaries are too blurred. If you are separating you don't want to see that person everyday. You'd still have to communicate about house stuff eg who is cutting the grass/cleaning the bathroom so it doesn't enable each of you to be independent

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 26/07/2021 16:27

Yes OK, I can see that. Thank you.

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Movinghouseatlast · 26/07/2021 16:35

My friend did this for over a year- it was awful for all of them. It was all really bitter and they hated each other.

He has now moved out but lives in the next road. They have joint 50/50 custody. They now get on like a house on fire- They even go on holiday together. I am so amazed at the difference. Their child is also much happier with this arrangement and openly says so.

They stayed living together for the child's sake but this just made things worse for them.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 26/07/2021 17:00

That's good to know. Thank you.

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WeWantTheFinestWines · 26/07/2021 21:01

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Only see your post now Wewantthefinestwines, that's interesting and that was a long time!! And you're continuing nesting now. How do you feel without a set home? I don't think we could do that level of closeness as there's very little conversation between us unless I talk but I just thought as there's a room it would make a reasonable first step.
We've really only been doing the nesting thing for about a month and I actually really like it. Before I felt so much on the hamster wheel of parenting and full time work, cooking, washing and never any time to myself.

Now I do all that every other week on my own but I don't mind because I know I'm about to have a week where it's just me and I can chill and date and look forward to seeing the DC again. It works for now. And I only interact with ex via messaging. Definitely an improvement.

SwanShaped · 26/07/2021 21:09

It sounds like you’re thinking about nesting because you are feeling guilty about splitting up. Rather than because you think it’s an amazing idea for you and the kids. Or am I off the mark?

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