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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Wife wants to separate but still living in same house

40 replies

Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 09:44

Had argument 2 weeks ago. She said she'd had enough and wants to separate. She blames all the arguments on to me and whilst I accept some of the responsibility she does not.

I am willing to make it work but she will not even talk to me about the situation.

She is sleeping on the sofa. I think she thinks we can continue living like this?

I don't want our marriage to end. We've been together 24 years. I told her let's not throw this all away, we can work things out. But she refuses to speak to me about it.

We have a dd6 and I don't want to move out. I work part time and I am the 'homemaker'. I take dd6 to all of the after school activities etc, which I have done from the start.

I am thinking if I act as 'normal' maybe we can work it out?

My mind is just all over the place and I've never felt so lonely

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 09:45

The only thing we argue/disagree about is our parenting styles. She constantly undermines me in front of dd6. I used to do it to her but I have not for a while now.

OP posts:
singlehun · 01/07/2021 09:50

Can you sit down with her and ask her what her plans are?

As much as you want it to work, if she's determined that it's over then you have to let her go but I don't think the current situation is fair on anyone.

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 09:52

@singlehun

Can you sit down with her and ask her what her plans are?

As much as you want it to work, if she's determined that it's over then you have to let her go but I don't think the current situation is fair on anyone.

I have tried asking her but she won't talk about it. Just says leave me alone. So I won't mention it again
OP posts:
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 01/07/2021 10:01

Well you need to tell her that this cannot continue in this manner. You cannot both just ignore this, this is not a good example to set for your child, not a great model of a relationship.

There are two roads ahead and you both need to look at them together. No looking at the past but looking at well if this is over then we need to talk about the future.

The first is, you separate and you discuss finances and housing. Do you sell and split the equity, is it a 50/50 split. Could you both afford houses near to each other (relatively) and school? What about childcare? Would you look at alternating Christmases, what happens on the child's birthday? Once you both see what the reality of separating looks like then you can look at the alternative which is forgiving the past and finding a way forward, possibly with counselling.

I have been married for over 20 years and luckily, very happily, however, my friend was looking at getting divorced and we talked about the above scenarios with finances/housing etc. I think sometime people say they are finished but haven't thought through the reality of what comes next.

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 10:11

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

Well you need to tell her that this cannot continue in this manner. You cannot both just ignore this, this is not a good example to set for your child, not a great model of a relationship.

There are two roads ahead and you both need to look at them together. No looking at the past but looking at well if this is over then we need to talk about the future.

The first is, you separate and you discuss finances and housing. Do you sell and split the equity, is it a 50/50 split. Could you both afford houses near to each other (relatively) and school? What about childcare? Would you look at alternating Christmases, what happens on the child's birthday? Once you both see what the reality of separating looks like then you can look at the alternative which is forgiving the past and finding a way forward, possibly with counselling.

I have been married for over 20 years and luckily, very happily, however, my friend was looking at getting divorced and we talked about the above scenarios with finances/housing etc. I think sometime people say they are finished but haven't thought through the reality of what comes next.

She is not willing to talk about all this where as I want to talk about it.

I have already taken legal advice and solicitor said I need to stay in the marital home with daughter.

I really don't want any of this and I do agree something needs to change. Covid has not helped at all as we are just constantly together

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 10:22

She is even in the process of updating our kitchen. Asking me what colour splashback I want etc....

OP posts:
singlehun · 01/07/2021 10:27

Is she hoping you'll go? You're absolutely right that you can't leave the kids but if she doesn't want the marriage to continue then she needs to leave, or you need to find alternative accommodation for you and the kids.

Give her a day then tell her there are things you need to discuss. Have a list ready.

When you say you've had legal advice... have you actually been to a solicitor and told them the full story?

singlehun · 01/07/2021 10:28

Or maybe she's changed her mind and does want things to work out? You have to find a way to get her to talk

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 10:29

@singlehun

Is she hoping you'll go? You're absolutely right that you can't leave the kids but if she doesn't want the marriage to continue then she needs to leave, or you need to find alternative accommodation for you and the kids.

Give her a day then tell her there are things you need to discuss. Have a list ready.

When you say you've had legal advice... have you actually been to a solicitor and told them the full story?

I told solicitor situation and he said for me not to leave and that she is being awkward. She took a large amount of money out of our savings and when I asked her about it said its so I don't go to solicitors!

She also removed me as Director of our company.

Solicitor said she is being a bully and controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 10:31

@singlehun

Or maybe she's changed her mind and does want things to work out? You have to find a way to get her to talk
I've tried my best to get her to talk but she just gets angry. She was holding a hammer when I tried talking and she said I've got this hammer in my hand you're making me angry
OP posts:
Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 10:33

I still cook, clean and wash her clothes. I am not the type to be vindictive or tit-for-tat. I haven't got the strength 😕

I just want things to go back to normal

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 01/07/2021 10:36

What exactly are the arguments about in regards to your dd? I mean is this something that can be talked out or is it completely different poles apart type of parenting styles?

Dillydollydingdong · 01/07/2021 10:44

If you and she are separating in the same house, you need to stop doing anything for her. No washing, cooking, and tell her to buy her own food. Who is the breadwinner? Who earns the money? Presumably it's her, seeing as you're the home maker?

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 10:49

@Bagelsandbrie

What exactly are the arguments about in regards to your dd? I mean is this something that can be talked out or is it completely different poles apart type of parenting styles?
Arguements about parenting. Example, last night it was her turn to take dd6 to bed. At 850pm last night they were downstairs and dd6 was watching TV. I asked dw if she was going to take her to bed and she eye rolled me and said just chill out I've got it under control. So I didn't say anything else I just went upstairs

It was 930pm when dd6 fell asleep. In my opinion too late. The morning after its difficult to get her out of bed

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 10:50

@Dillydollydingdong

If you and she are separating in the same house, you need to stop doing anything for her. No washing, cooking, and tell her to buy her own food. Who is the breadwinner? Who earns the money? Presumably it's her, seeing as you're the home maker?
She's the breadwinner....i don't want things to become spiteful I I stop doing everything.
OP posts:
PaterPower · 01/07/2021 10:52

Did she have the legal right to remove you as a Director?

You should definitely stop cooking for her and washing her clothes. Perhaps that injection of reality / what’s coming down the road will force her to think about (and tell you!) what she wants.

AlternativePerspective · 01/07/2021 10:52

TBH this doesn’t sound like a relationship worth saving so I would call her bluff in this instance.

Tell her that you need to draft a formal separation agreement and that you’ll be filing for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. As a consequence of this there will need to be a financial consent order where the finances are decided e.g. whether the property is sold or whether you can buy her out etc.

As primary carer tell her that you will be seeking primary residency of your DD with a contact schedule which works for you all and is the best for your DD, possibly with her having her 1 night in the week and every other weekend.

As a result of this she will of course need to pay maintenance to you.

This is exactly the advice you would be given here if you were a woman posting about a man playing these childish and ridiculous games.

Accept that the marriage is over, and then start to move forward with your life.

Even if things can be worked out in the future she needs to realise that she can’t just pull this kind of shit whenever she wants.

Also tell her that the fact she withdrew a large sum from the joint account has left you with no choice but to see a solicitor as of course all the finances will be declared, and that includes any money she herself has in her own accounts. As it is a marriage of some standing, the asset calculation will start at 50/50 with you potentially being entitled to a greater amount as the primary parent.

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 13:29

@AlternativePerspective

TBH this doesn’t sound like a relationship worth saving so I would call her bluff in this instance.

Tell her that you need to draft a formal separation agreement and that you’ll be filing for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. As a consequence of this there will need to be a financial consent order where the finances are decided e.g. whether the property is sold or whether you can buy her out etc.

As primary carer tell her that you will be seeking primary residency of your DD with a contact schedule which works for you all and is the best for your DD, possibly with her having her 1 night in the week and every other weekend.

As a result of this she will of course need to pay maintenance to you.

This is exactly the advice you would be given here if you were a woman posting about a man playing these childish and ridiculous games.

Accept that the marriage is over, and then start to move forward with your life.

Even if things can be worked out in the future she needs to realise that she can’t just pull this kind of shit whenever she wants.

Also tell her that the fact she withdrew a large sum from the joint account has left you with no choice but to see a solicitor as of course all the finances will be declared, and that includes any money she herself has in her own accounts. As it is a marriage of some standing, the asset calculation will start at 50/50 with you potentially being entitled to a greater amount as the primary parent.

I am worried to do this as she is been diagnosed with high levels of depression and anxiety. I don't want to tip her over the edge. I need to help her...I am hoping when her depression and anxiety improves then so will our marriage
OP posts:
singlehun · 01/07/2021 13:49

I assumed OP was a woman In a same sex relationship. I dont know why and it doesn't matter anyway.

The hammer comment is alarming.

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 14:12

Yes, you're correct this is a same sex marriage. Yes. Is alarming re the hammer comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googleboxfan · 01/07/2021 14:13

Thing is I can't afford my own solicitor. I only earn a small salary per month. No jobs around also

OP posts:
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 01/07/2021 17:13

I am worried to do this as she is been diagnosed with high levels of depression and anxiety. I don't want to tip her over the edge. I need to help her

Well she certainly doesn't care about you. She has threatened you with a hammer, removed you as director from the company, removed savings to financially control you but you still seem to think that this can be saved.

I agree with stopping doing everything for her. She is treating you like shit and abusing you emotionally and financially. Why are you accepting this? Any way you could borrow money to start the ball rolling with serving her divorce papers? She doesn't get to declare that this relationship is over and stay in the house.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 01/07/2021 23:40

Do you have access to the savings? You should open your own account and if there's enough left put an equivalent amount into it and change your pay to go into that account. You need to make sure you have some money to support you and DD if she steps up the financial abuse.

The threatening with hammer in hand is worrying. No adult should think that's an ok way to behave. Please take care, you need to ensure your and DDs safety.

Original poster
Googleboxfan · 02/07/2021 09:13

I've now found out she has organised for her salary to be paid into her own private account and not into our joint account. Feeling panicked now...don't know what to do

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 02/07/2021 09:27

OP, as hard as it is you need to see a solicitor re the finances.

Reality here is that the relationship is over. You can’t stop that from happening, but you can control how the finance is divided up especially re e.g. assets etc.

And depression/anxiety isn’t a valid reason for not wanting to do this. And depression/anxiety isn’t valid enough reason for threatening someone with a hammer either.

Your DW is clearly unhinged and unstable, and if anything you need to keep your DD safe from her.