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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Wife threatening to disclose 30 yr old conviction

53 replies

DivorcingDad · 23/06/2021 20:28

Wondered if any solicitors out there could help?

I had a criminal convictions 30 years ago. I don't wish to disclose what the conviction was for. However, during negotiations relating to financial split of assets, my wife has threatened to disclose my former criminal conviction to our joint friends.

She has already emailed one friend that I know of. This particular friend also has teenagers which our children are friends with. I am concerned that this will cause my 2 DD's extreme embarrassment should they friends overhear their parents discussing it. Of course, something like this is likely to spread around their entire circle of friends once out there.

My children are aware that I spent time in prison many years ago, but i don't think my wife has considered the potential harm this would do to our children and their relationship with their friendship circle if they were to find out.

Is it possible to stop her from doing this? I also run a local business and this could also impact upon the business - I know that it might be possible to get an injunction to prevent her from disclosing but in reality High Court injunctions are very costly and not really a feasible means for the average jo.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 23/06/2021 20:32

Well if it’s true I don’t see how you could stop her telling friends.
I’m not a lawyer though, maybe get this moved to Legal

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/06/2021 20:35

You can't stop her telling people. What I think I'd do in that situation is come clean about it and take the wind out of her sails. Quite honestly if you were to end up in court and she tried that tactic, she'd get short shrift. I don't know what you did but it was bad enough to warrant a prison sentence. However it was 30 years ago and has no relevance to a current divorce.

Soontobe60 · 23/06/2021 20:35

I would say that she’s more than likely to spill the beans, and I think you’re better off telling your children yourself first. Then you’re in control of it rather than being blackmailed.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 23/06/2021 20:35

Isn't that blackmail, if it's give her more money or else?

CrushedPistachios · 23/06/2021 20:36

I don't think there Is, no.

If she's telling the truth, it's a part of her history as much as yours. Morally that it's right or wrong is a separate issue, but I don't think you can silence people when what they're saying isn't something you want to hear.

Palavah · 23/06/2021 20:37

It's material that she's doing this when you're negotiating the financial split: it's blackmail, or extortion (not sure which, I'm not a lawyer, but they're both crimes). Does she want you to report her to the police?

AnoymousCoward · 23/06/2021 20:48

Any of your friends who think less of you for committing that crime will think less of her for marrying you knowing you'd been convicted of it. I can't see how this would benefit her.

DogsSausages · 23/06/2021 20:52

Is she blackmailing you, threatening to tell her friends if you dont meet her financial demands. If so her solicitor should advise her that this is really not a very good idea. I would seek legal advise from your solicitor and tell them this is what she plans to do. If it's that embarrassing then maybe people might ask her why she stayed married to do, no good will come to her of this at all.

Hsurbbrb · 23/06/2021 20:57

@AnoymousCoward

Any of your friends who think less of you for committing that crime will think less of her for marrying you knowing you'd been convicted of it. I can't see how this would benefit her.

Good point. People are going to assume the worst though op if you don’t mention why discussing the conviction is a bad thing even after 3 decades.

Original poster

DivorcingDad · 23/06/2021 21:12

Thanks for all your comments. My children already know what the conviction was for. I don't want to disclose on this forum what it is for, as this might identify me to her if she happens to read this forum - which is likely given we are both going through a divorce.

Main concern is the potential harm it will do to our children if their peers find out via their parents - I think it would be devastating to them, their friendships, and potentially harm the relationship we as parents have with them.

OP posts:

user1471518104 · 23/06/2021 21:16

Unless you are a rapist or a child molester I don't see why this would be so bad?

saleorbouy · 23/06/2021 21:18

Hopefully those near and dear to you will take you on how you have treated them and the person you are now.
Prison is a form of punishment and reform. You seem to have become an honourable character whom people are willing to be friends with and do business with.
Unfortunately your wife is manipulative and is trying to ruin your relationships anyone who is worth calling a friend will remain so, perhaps telling your children in your own way would be better than discovering it from your wife in her bias way.
Good luck.

Nowthereistwo · 23/06/2021 21:19

I don't have a real answer, but is there anything in her past she wouldn't like her friends knowing...

StayCalmX · 23/06/2021 21:23

I would just shrug. Even if you're nervous inside.
Whatever it was was 30 years ago and you served your time. How embarrassed could your children possibly be? I mean, they actually know about it already, tha's the worst part really isn't it?

AnoymousCoward · 23/06/2021 21:26

If their friends judge your children for somethingyou did, and long before they were born, then they're really not worth being friends with are they?
When my son was younger his best friend's father had killed someone and been convicted of death by dangerous driving, though this had happened when the father was a young adult, before he'd even met his wife, let alone had children. My son and this little boy absolutely delighted in each others company, they were very good friends. I would never have dreamed of stopping DS playing with him, nor did I ever discuss it with any of the other school parents. Nothing whatsoever to do with anyone other than the father.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/06/2021 21:29

I understand the concerns for your children, I've had a similar-ish situation in my own family (in terms of somebody going to prison and impact on others). Nobody was secretive about it because ultimately it wouldn't have done any good.

I'd approach all of those you're concerned about knowing this situation and level with them. Explain you are being blackmailed. I agree with others that if you have legal representation then take advice from them. It may just take a stern warning letter for her to stop and quite honestly she needs to. She's hardly covering herself in glory here is she?

StayCalmX · 23/06/2021 21:29

Yes, that's what I was thinking. I talked to my group of good friends when my Dad was in a psychiatric hospital with paranoid delusions (Only about 21) and one friend's dad was an alcoholic. Another 's dad was abusive and another, her dad was a pilot and had endless affairs and drove her mother to suicide. None of us were judging each other for our Dads behaviour.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 23/06/2021 21:35

She presumably married you knowing your history, and therefore has no moral superiority.

HollowTalk · 23/06/2021 21:37

Well, if your business goes down the plughole then good luck to her in getting child support. Maybe that's the route you should take.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 23/06/2021 21:44

I don't think it's going to be as damaging as you are assuming it to be. Peoples attitudes have changed a lot throughout the last 30 years - it wasn't that long ago that gay people used to hide the fact that they were gay! Thats just an example.

As a PP said, take the wind right out of her sails. Put a post up on facebook saying what you did and that you are telling people now because your wife is threatening to tell everyone. That way, you will at least control the narrative.

Your kids true friends will be supportive.

MilduraS · 23/06/2021 21:50

I wouldn't be so quick to assume your children will be ostracised for something you did 30 years ago.

When I was 14 a girl in my year had to deal with her mum being convicted of stealing from elderly clients (she worked as a carer). The story was on the front page of all the local papers. There was a lot of gossip obviously but none of her friends abandoned her and no one else in the school judged her for her mum's actions. To be honest, we all felt really sorry for her and her family. None of them had a clue until the police turned up, not even her Dad.

Grimacingfrog · 23/06/2021 22:00

I'd consider the Streisand effect. If you try and fight it, you make it a bigger thing.

I can only think of a few things that would really make me think differently about someone. If it's not rape or child abuse, I'm sure people would think less of her for trying to out you than of you for going to prison.

ButItRingsAndIRise · 23/06/2021 22:04

@DivorcingDad

And once they find out it was their own DM who spilled the beans it would also harm their relationship with her if the information getting out does impact on their lives.

frumpety · 23/06/2021 22:10

A similar scenario played out with friends of my parents, he had been done for kerb crawling many years previously, his wife told everyone when they were in the process of getting divorced, they had teenage children, it was awful for them.

drpet49 · 23/06/2021 22:15

Nasty, nasty piece of work your wife is. You are well rid of her.

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