Wife threatening to disclose 30 yr old conviction

[DivorcingDad]

Hi

Wondered if any solicitors out there could help?

I had a criminal convictions 30 years ago. I don't wish to disclose what the conviction was for. However, during negotiations relating to financial split of assets, my wife has threatened to disclose my former criminal conviction to our joint friends.

She has already emailed one friend that I know of. This particular friend also has teenagers which our children are friends with. I am concerned that this will cause my 2 DD's extreme embarrassment should they friends overhear their parents discussing it. Of course, something like this is likely to spread around their entire circle of friends once out there.

My children are aware that I spent time in prison many years ago, but i don't think my wife has considered the potential harm this would do to our children and their relationship with their friendship circle if they were to find out.

Is it possible to stop her from doing this? I also run a local business and this could also impact upon the business - I know that it might be possible to get an injunction to prevent her from disclosing but in reality High Court injunctions are very costly and not really a feasible means for the average jo.

its blackmail so she should watch herself as this could come back to bite her more than she thinks.
Plus, not many people are that impressed when someone starts spilling other peoples secrets, although I guess that depends on your circle.

I would tell her that if she does that then 1, she will mainly be hurting the children, and 2, it could be seen as blackmail as you now have this on record, and 3, grow the fuck up. Just because youre splitting up, doesnt mean this all needs to get nasty

@Nowthereistwo

I don't have a real answer, but is there anything in her past she wouldn't like her friends knowing...

no point even going down that route is there. No need for both parents of these kids to be dicks is there. Its bad enough one of them

Thanks for all your comments. My children already know what the conviction was for. I don't want to disclose on this forum what it is for, as this might identify me to her if she happens to read this forum - which is likely given we are both going through a divorce.

This situation is identifying enough, if she reads this she'll recognise this.

Nasty, nasty piece of work your wife is. You are well rid of her.

You have absolutely nowhere near enough information to make that judgement. You've no idea why they're divorcing for a start. What if he's been abusing her for decades? What if he's trying to completely screw her financially in the divorce and she's just desperate to keep herself and her kids fed and housed? What if he was imprisoned for seriously hurting someone or a sexual assault? You've jumped to the conclusion that he is the victim and she's, what, just a gold digging heartless bitch? Maybe she is. We have no idea either way. Just one very sparse account from one side of the story.

Is it possible that your children have already told their friends? I probably would have told my closest friends about something like that as a child.

I think you should tell your friends that your wife is threatening to reveal your conviction, and then tell them what it was for. That puts the main focus on her nasty threats, rather than your (presumably now spent) criminal record, and leaves her with no ammunition. It's probably best not to tell your children that their mother is behaving like this, obviously.

If this is any indicator of the future, I would also look into getting some professional advice and/or counselling for your kids too, to help them through what is shaping up to be a really bitter divorce.

How old are your children. I agree with telling your friends first, take the wind out of her sails then refuse to discuss it anymore with her, are you living separately now. Let both your solicitors deal with the finances, communicate only be email, if she calls you dont pick up, make her text instead and ,keep a paper trail.

I'd tell your friends before she has chance.

I'd also report her to the police for blackmail and extortion

Have you taken legal advice? I would do so, to see if there is any legal recourse against this behaviour.

She sounds emotionally abusive, from what you've written here. There is such a risk that what she is doing will damage your kids. Do you feel you were emotionally or psychologically abused in your marriage?

Something similar happens in my social group the wife was seen as spiteful and lost far more friends than the husband. It wasn't a sexual offence though.

Tell your friends and if your children are old enough tell them that people may find out as their mother is threatening to tell people. Take the wind right out of her sails.

I agree the nature of the crime is relevant. It speaks to your character.

If it was sexual assault or child abuse, then yes your friends will be understandably horrified and yes it will be horrible for your children.

Really anything which involved you harming or taking advantage of some one else, particularly someone weaker or more vulnerable will lead to you being socially shunned.

It really does depend what the conviction was for.

If it was a sexual offence, for example, i would struggle to come to terms with that to be very honest.

Your wife is going to recognise this even without naming the offence.

You can't force other people to keep your secret. Stop trying.

Really depends on what the conviction was for. Did your wife know before she married you? Was it for a similar reason why you’re getting divorced like DV? If the divorce is based on the conviction then she’s going to tell people. If it’s not then and she knew before she married you it’s unfair of her.

Keeping your secret is something she has done as your wife. As she is no longer going to be your wife, why should she feel obligated to protect you any longer?

Your DC already know. So if their friends find out they arent going to get a shock. For all you know your kids have already told their friends.

Burdening your family with this secret was a big ask.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

How can you turn this around onto the OP. His wife is basically blackmailing him and somehow this is his fault because she kept his secret while they were married.

I really hope your wife is on here and recognises the story and reads the comments.

OP’s wife - you are a truly nasty piece of work. You don’t care how much you hurt your own daughters just so you can get back at your ex or even worse extort more money out of him. What do you think your daughters will think about you after this? Do you think they’d want a relationship with you? I wouldn’t, if I was them. Please rethink. If you don’t, I hope you end up in prison yourself, for blackmail.

Dude - what did you do?

If it's a violent and / or sexual offense, you're probably toast.

If it's something like fraud or theft, you can probably style it out, depending on the nature of the offense.

I can’t believe that people are siding with the wife here by saying the OP shouldn’t be expecting people to keep his secret.

IIRC blackmail and extortion are crimes punishable by a prison term,so she might want to be careful what she wishes for.

As for saying that people will judge depending on the nature of the crime, again people will judge the wife if the crime was e.g. sexual in nature. I would cut off anyone who told me that their ex husband had a conviction for any kind of sexual offence on the basis that this person clearly was no judge of character/or was happy to condone the crime while she benefited from a life with him.

The wife is a nasty piece of work, and yes, based on what the OP said here I absolutely can decide that, just as anyone would decide the same if it was a woman posting about being blackmailed by her ex husband.

It sounds like it's already out there, if she has told someone.
30 years ago is a long time. If they are your friends they may not judge you, although it would depend on the crime.
If its violent or sexual in nature then I can imagine it might be quite different to if its fraud, or more minor.

I think it is pertinent to this thread what it was the conviction was for. If it was for domestic violence and you’re splitting up because you hit her then you’re not a reformed character. However, if you served your time and have been trying to be a better person since then your wife shouldn’t be telling people.

While the crime may change this.

I would keep evidence of her attempted black mail.

And get ahead of her and tell people.

I very much doubt your kids friends would care. It's not going to as damaging as you think.

If people have known you a long time, doing something 30 years ago, isn't going to be a big deal.

If people know, she hasn't got anything to hold over you.

But also, you could give her whatever she wants and she could still tell people. So, I wouldn't keep back down to her.

Remember, she may thi k it will shock you friends and kids friends. But if its so awful why did she marry and stay married to you, if she knew this and its so awful

While the thing I see is that when it suited the wife she kept it a secret. Now she is divorcing she wants to spread the news and the only possible reason is to cause harm to the OP. However, she appears to have forgotten the harm it will cause to the children and maybe even her. Is it spite/hurt/rage/jealously that motivates her now when she didn't wish to spread the news before?

You need to get ahead of this and speak to friends before she does and that way they get to see how manipulative she is trying to be in the divorce proceedings. “-Dear x, ......happened many many years ago. Wife has threatened to tell you and I wanted to tell you myself and ask that you do not discuss it with your children as I don’t want this impacting their friendship with my children.”. And good riddance to that wife that she would use something like knowing full well it would potentially harm her children. Good luck with the divorce and hope you end up happy.

I don't want to disclose on this forum what it is for, as this might identify me to her if she happens to read this forum - which is likely given we are both going through a divorce.

its perfectly fine to not say, however just wanted to point out i think the ship has already sailed about being identified. I have never read a story before about a soon to be ex wife threatening to reveal a 30 year old conviction and already having emailed one person. Pretty sure she will figure out its you from that alone :).