I was sure that the next man to see me naked would be the Undertaker… after nearly a decade without sex with my husband. Together 15 years, some sex initially (not much) then nothing after we conceived our child. We did all the therapy, all the talking, all the medical checks- nothing changed. I got lonelier and sadder, and my normally high self-esteem fell among the weeds. He didn’t want to touch me, and didn’t want to deal with why or the consequences to our marriage.
I finally made him move out 8 months ago, over this and other stuff. I’ve been getting used to my new single-parenting life (which involves very little Life for me!) but was terrified about taking my poor ol’ rejected 50yo self back into the Land of Sex. It’s one thing to know you miss it, quite another to face the vulnerability and emotional risk of finding someone to do it with!
My lovely friends encouraged me to find a Friend with Benefits, rather than try for ‘proper’ dating, relationship, etc. They are right that I’m not ready for that- I have to fall a bit in love with myself again first! I put out a few tentative feelers (soooo scary) and paid some attention to my appearance.
Anyway, long story short, a long-ago ex-boyfriend and I got together yesterday (after a few video catch-ups and many weeks of texting). It was wonderful 
. It was also surreal, a bit awkward and a lot of fun! Today I can’t stop giggling, and marvelling at my new view of my body and myself. I feel lighter, younger and back in touch with the me I used to be. I suspect some sort of beast has been a bit unleashed, and I really hope it becomes a regular thing.
I wanted to post this in case someone else in one of the sexless marriages i read about frequently on MN comes upon it. I want to say ‘believe yourself’, ‘back yourself’, and take the bloody risk rather than resign yourself to dying inside. If you know in your heart that you’ve done your best to get your relationship back on track, but you’ve ended up curled up next to a brick wall- grab a sledgehammer. It’s not all roses on the other side, but there are moments of joy, of redemption and most of all hope. You’re allowed to want intimacy, fun and to share your body. Life is short, often hard and occasional ‘joy’ is not to be sniffed at.
It’s amazing how many impossible things you can find yourself doing, after you just start being true to yourself. I know what I’ve done isn’t for everyone, and the path ahead is very foggy. But wow. Sometimes the World can really surprise you and the wool can fall from your eyes in only a few short hours.