How to get over lack of care / abandonment to child

[Lilly239]

Read other post regarding what has been going with our adopted child . I love the child so much but my husband after a divorce decided to really show that he does not care in that way by the things he says and just the complete lack of care towards child. How do I move past this hurt? Even after a few months it’s still hurting when I concentrate on it I try not to...I don’t want it to consume me but honestly just feel so betrayed in the worst way that my child has been abandoned and the way my soon to ex husband is carrying on having a great time so care free after leaving a family of many years and to basically switch off emotions it’s not my real kid etc when that was not what happened for all those we was mum + dad and child and integrated in the families ...I need to move on but don’t know how :(

Honestly? Snap out of it and look after your daughter.

I get that it is very hurtful, but it really isn't all about you.

He's a shit. Lots of men are, there's no reason. Be grateful you aren't him, and make it your absolute priority to make your daughter smile every day.

@MrsBertBibby
know I think it’s just hurt for my child. I am carrying on of course and taking care of all needs and being cheerful around child etc but inside just very hurt and just finding it difficult to move on in my mind if that makes sense hopefully that does

I just want my child to be ok ultimately and not be affected by not having a dad around - coming up Father’s Day maybe I’m just feeling it for her

Too many men are like that with their children. Look at the slave-owners who sold their own children

@Coyoacan I think also I’m struggling with just the lack of regard to our child - so precious that I’m hurting for child if that makes sense it’s not really for me / I’m just hurting - maybe slightly depressed over everything - I don’t talk to anyone how I’m feeling I just carry on ...

My ex-SIL hasn't come near his dd in three and half years and you would have sworn that he adored her.

@Coyoacan really? How terrible and what was his reasoning (like there is anything) - but what did he say or not bothered to defend why he doesn’t see his daughter?
...Yeah kind of same like how he loved our child like an own child etc etc doesn’t matter we adopted her etc etc we had our child since a baby it’s out baby and treated as such ...awful isn’t it? X

There are many nrp who abandon their children. I understand for you the circumstances are different.

Some nrp can practice out of sight out of mind. My ex can go months without a word, then all of a sudden appear like super dad.

He will explain to anyone who will listen that I am evil and poisoning the children against him. Because his version of the truth puts him in a better light than saying I don't pay a penny towards my kids and see them for six months and drop them like a stone. And other than 2 days a month when I do see them I have nothing at all to do with them.

Of course it is all me. Because I am bitter and twisted.

You can only do what you can do. And provide a happy safe and stable environment.

@unicornsarereal72 how awful :( poor kids too, but you are doing your best and always there for them x
Apparently he doesn’t want a relationship with me so can’t have one with our child but I find that perplexing and what would make the lack of care it’s not just the not seeing it’s the complete lack of care like I’ve we have been betrayed to think even though we divorcing I thought it may be decent then it turned to complete disregard and doesn’t give a s#!t about us not me taking care of child and certainly no care there for child like it’s gone not even pretence to anyone. I think I’m just in shock how a dad can do this or I’m driving my self crazy thinking for years he has pretended to love when he never did and that’s why he’s able to easily to cut off emotionally aswell towards child - I don’t know but it’s perplexing isn’t it x

@Lilly239 Try not to give it head space. Hard I know. But there is no figuring it out how a 'loving' parent can disregard their children.

I came to the conclusion that what my ex felt wasn't really love. It was a show of what he was suppose to feel and do. He has many narc traits. And unless someone or his act serves him a purposes it is quickly moved on from.

It took me a while to realise that my ex had no loyalty to me. I had hoped he would have as the mother of his children. To do right by 'us'. But unless it came with a big show. He didn't step up. I had an emergency at home one day. And he made a big show of offering to come and help. Keep the kids longer etc etc. This was all for affect to whoever he was with. So he could be the great man helping out his ex. He didn't like that I had it In hand. And explained that I stoped being his 'problem' when he left.

It was all about imagine for him.

Their loss. Missing out on the children. I wouldn't have it any other way.

What does you feeling depressed about it do? I used to get so angry about his lack of care and contact, and of course it still annoys me sometimes. Every now and then I get a wave of sadness - but then I just put it to one side and get on with things, and have gratitude for being able to be the parent that is present and committed to raising our child well. Would I like it to be different? Sure! But nothing I do or feel about it will change that, so I just have to get on with things.

I don’t mean it to sound harsh- but there an element of just having to get on with it, otherwise it will consume you and that’s no good for you or your child.

He's just an sh1t human being, self-centred unable to defer gratification and put someone else first, he wasn't bargaining on doing any parenting, expected the status of being father without having to do the work of the role. He always had you down as the caregiver you do the work, he takes the credit that's why he's walking away now when it hasn't panned out as he wanted it to.
.... I assume that's what's going on?

Are you honestly surprised though?
did you think that he was a decent upstanding sort of person... someone who makes a good parent?

There are men shedding their children all over the place. It's a tale as old as time.

He's done it because he's a bastard who prioritises himself over anyone else.

I honestly don't think there is much point in wasting any more of your own life wondering why he's done it. I can't imagine the answer will be satisfactory anyway.

Make sure you are getting all of the money he should be giving you and get on with your new life without him.

Unfortunately you don’t get over it but as time goes by it gets easier and you give it/him less thought. I’ve asked myself loads of times ‘how could he treat someone like this?’ but the truth is that he is selfish, puts himself first and has no regard for the hurt caused and you can’t change that. In time (takes a couple of years) you move on.

He has a child from a previous marriage years ago and that was HARD I didn’t know but he wasn’t involved at first and then with me it built up trust etc (but at time I didn’t know this )- I only found out years after through a text from his ex when she was having a go at him and then I saw it say he wasn’t involved for a length of time - he sees child once a week but has no official custody / maybe he doesn’t want to visit a second child like that I don’t know it may have hurt me more thinking he may think less of our beautiful child because she adopted but we had her since a tiny baby it was never expressed that’s not what he wanted etc - but I’ve taken everyone replies in and I agree it needs to be harsh I need to wake up and just move on - but it is hard and painful when I think of my child but for months I was told to get out the family home and get into social housing with child by ex and it’s affected me - I’m trying to give the best life possible and I didn’t need to go into social housing but he said it regardless it made me feel he didn’t care of me and child was on streets aslong as he didn’t have to pay child support or anything he was good. ...everything sorted now in that department with the finances and divorce but it’s so hard isn’t it to think fully positive I think I’m traumatised alittle but I will get through it ...he wasn’t an inventive parent at all but he wasn’t like that with either children so I just assumed it was was what he was like he isn’t overly fatherly. I am the main caregiver no ill correct that I’m the only caregiver ever.

I really do appreciate everyone responses sometimes it’s nice just to write to someone as I don’t speak to anyone regarding what’s happened over last few months x

I really hope so @QueenVikki it’s been a few months and I’m hoping couple years forward things will be different anyway and I’ll feel more neutral about it. I just want my child to be ok and remarkably my child is doing fine there have been some tears over months about the situation but I’m general doing just fine - I just want everything to be ok now

That's shocking it really is, what disgusting behaviour.
Your child has already lost their original family and this is yet another betrayal and could well result in mental health problems in the future and problems with abandonment which I have myself.
Be aware of any early signs of mental health trauma as it's essential that your child receives help as soon as possible in order to have a healthy life, mine was left unresolved until my 50's and I never recovered.
Meanwhile all you can do is be super loving and reassure her every single day that you will never be going anywhere.
A lot of men neglect their own children after divorce, but a mother's love trumps everything else.

It is incredible how many men no longer want to have contact with their dc once they are no longer in an intimate relationship with the mother.

A friend of mine recently divorced her H. They had been together since her eldest (now 16) was a baby. H was the only father figure, dc had his name, raised the child as his own. Until the divorce. Now refuses to have any contact, no financial support etc etc. But demands contact on his terms with his 3 biological children from the marriage. It is an absolute mess.

There are many men fighting tooth and nail to have decent contact with their dc. But there are many men who see dc as an extension of the woman. When he is done with the woman, he is done with the kids.

For him the child is just an instrument with which to keep you under control, because you do not have a relationship you are no longer his possession, the child is not needed because he no longer wishes to control you, he will move onto pastures new find another woman to do his bidding.
It's all just business to him.

@CagneyNYPD so wants see the biological but not the biological but raised child as dad etc and now wants nothing to do with child that’s not blood ties to him? Omg this is what gets me how can they pretend to love them then discard after a marriage and it not even affect the them - my ex is having a great time there is no guilt at all from leaving our child the way he has done and the things he said when I said previously our child he would correct me and say my ‘legal child’ like the complete opposite what he had said for years if I’d known that I would of ended it years ago x

How old is your child, and how old were they when you adopted them?

How can they discard?
Because they are narcissistic, they do not form deep bonds they only form shallow bonds based on narrow self-interest. They do not have the moral strength and/or impulse control to put others needs before their own.

Adopted under 1 year old and child is nearly 7 now x

I'm shocked at how harsh some of the responses have been here.

There is no indication that you are sitting bawling in a corner and ignoring your child because of your upset so on that level I'm sure you are getting on with it.

I was in a similar situation with my ex only without the extra layer of my DD being adopted. I was angry then and still sometimes get angry several years on. It's not a constant anger now but is triggered every so often.

Let yourself be angry on both yours and your DDs behalf, talk and rage if you can. Also, celebrate your relationship with your DD and know that one day she will appreciate who has been there for her.

It’s fine ... I am getting on and looking after everything - I’m certainly not bawling in a corner and ‘can’t cope’ I’m just hurt for my child. I do appreciate though more a harsh comment to fully realise and accept my ex has no proper care for our child it’s kind of like a process isn’t it of anger and upset etc? My whole time has been dedicated to loving my child even more and just being normal getting on with everything but I get the feeling come over me when I’m alone I don’t talk to anyone about it ... @Gingerkittykat I am sorry you had to go through something similar so you still feel it every now and then years later? X