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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

No financial support from dad

52 replies

SpottyBlueTeacup · 05/06/2021 11:53

Hi,
I separated from my husband early in April and, so far, he has given nothing towards the school costs (bus, lunches, trips) and everyday living costs of the children. My eldest is going to the USA with school next year so I’m paying for that too plus clothes and opticians bills etc.
He inherited another property and has had it done up inside citing that he has no money to give towards the kids and that I ‘pocket the child benefit’ - the £140 goes on school dinners! I am paying for everything and they are still to stay over at his.
I am in the family home (mortgage free) but I will need to sell it and give him his half. He is keeping all of the inherited property so he will be mortgage free. I have to get another mortgage. I was wanting to rent for 6 months and tidy the family home up a bit (just a bit of paint) and put it in the market. I don’t fancy living in it (with 2 messy kids) and having estate agents asking for a viewing in an hour! Plus, if I rent it’ll make things easier for me to buy another house.
Trouble is, as he isn’t paying anything for the kids it’ll tight as I’d have to rent somewhere, pay bills on that, pay all the bills on the family home and pay all the costs for the kids!!
Can I do anything?

OP posts:

Original poster

SpottyBlueTeacup · 05/06/2021 11:55

Oh, another thing…
He has taken no time off work in any of the school holidays (including summer) as he gets fixed holidays and said he hasn’t been allocated any. So, I’ve had to use all my annual leave to cover school holidays meaning no time for me to recharge!

OP posts:

DelilahDingleberry · 05/06/2021 11:57

Does he work? Have you put in a claim with the CMS? Have you spoken to a solicitor about division of assets?

Weenurse · 05/06/2021 12:02

Solicitor for advice.
Ones he have a pension you can claim some of?
Who is the main earner?
How many nights a week are the DC with him?

Original poster

SpottyBlueTeacup · 05/06/2021 20:10

Yes, he works. I am the higher earner (thankfully). He has only had the eldest sleep over for a week. The younger one hasn’t stayed at all. He hasn’t had them for a weekend or anything even though I work slightly more hours. I need a break plus I am paying for everything.
I am divorcing him but doing it via the Co-op. Our marriage was dysfunctional and I was unhappy.
I haven’t put a claim in as I thought he’d be amicable!

OP posts:

AbbieLexie · 05/06/2021 20:15

Legal advice asap from a solicitor who is known for being good. Go for and take everything you're entitled to as its not about you its about the children and the future. Speaking from experience..

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 05/06/2021 20:29

His inherited house is likely to be considered an asset.

millymollymoomoo · 06/06/2021 08:54

Claim cms
Seek legal advice
He may not be awarded 50% of the fmh
You may not need to sell
His other house may well be considered a marital asset
Are their pensions?
Don’t agree to anything until you have taken legal advise

Original poster

SpottyBlueTeacup · 06/06/2021 10:29

We have agreed that he gets half the house and all of the inherited property (it was his parents who are both now RIP). What I didn’t Bank on was him not contributing towards the upkeep of the children. I don’t rip him off or anything. I have been honest about costs.
We both have pensions - he has topped his up over the years and I was part time for 10 years so mine is less even though I’m the higher earner.
I wanted a quick split and to get on with life.

OP posts:

Iknowyouknow · 06/06/2021 10:34

If you don’t sort the child maintenance you might never get anything. Contact the CMS and make it official.

Everyone would like a simple amicable divorce but it’s not always possible sadly. You need a solicitor too.

Floraflower3 · 06/06/2021 10:37

Speak to a solicitor! I understand you want a quick split but you need to plan for the future very well (especially seeing as your XH seems feckless).

They may change the division of assets now that he has inherited a home. You may be able to keep the FMH and not end up paying rent so you have more income to cover the kids costs. Put in a claim with the CMS but unfortunately that doesn’t guarantee that your ex will pay.

titchy · 06/06/2021 10:38

Don't be so stupid. Do it properly, not on the cheap. It's entirely possible a judge wouldn't allow your financial plan to go ahead so you'd have saved nothing. You have children ffs. This needs to be about them and their future not about you doing it quickly. And giving him half the house while he has properties of his own is almost certainly a ridiculously bad decision. Keep the house. He has houses to live in. He doesn't need his kids home as well.

gurglebelly · 06/06/2021 10:55

You have several assets and a STBXH who is completely unwilling to provide for his children, this is not the time to divorce on the cheap. All you are doing is lining his pockets.

Solicitor and CMS, sort out proper division of assets and proper contact arrangements, as well as getting the feckless shit to contribute to the children

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 06/06/2021 10:58

What everyone else said. Solicitor, child maintenance and schedule of contact, FGS don't agree to any financial settlement until you've consulted your own solicitor.

Original poster

SpottyBlueTeacup · 06/06/2021 11:26

He is saying he can’t afford to pay anything as he has spent £50k doing the place up. I forgot to say, his sister has a 50% share in the inherited property so he has to buy her out.

OP posts:

titchy · 06/06/2021 11:47

@SpottyBlueTeacup

He is saying he can’t afford to pay anything as he has spent £50k doing the place up. I forgot to say, his sister has a 50% share in the inherited property so he has to buy her out.

Well he would wouldn't he? So you give him half the value of your house. He uses that to buy his sister out. He owns a nicely refurbished house. You own a house with a bloody great big mortgage. And you're the one housing the children.

Where couples divorce and one takes on full responsibility for the kids, that is reflected in the asset split. With the main carer getting the majority. Not the minority you seem to be happy with.

Big girl pants. Solicitor. Don't be a mug.

Original poster

SpottyBlueTeacup · 06/06/2021 12:21

Yeah, I see what you mean. I will sort it.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 06/06/2021 17:01

Don’t short change yourself or your daughter
The pensions and other property need bringing into the division !

Poorlykitten · 06/06/2021 17:04

Get yourself a good solicitor NOW. It’s not up to him to decide what you can/can’t have.

Singlenotsingle · 06/06/2021 17:12

If you're married, all the assets are shared in a joint pot. This would include half of the value of the house he's inherited (the one half going to his dsis). The pot also includes the matrimonial home, any savings, pensions etc. Maybe the answer might be for you to keep the matrimonial home, and him to keep his interest in the inherited house to himself (obviously depending on their values?) Just don't agree to what he wants without getting proper legal advice

Original poster

SpottyBlueTeacup · 06/06/2021 17:27

Hi,
He works shifts so struggles to have the children. But, he gets all his time off to himself and says he hasn’t been allocated any school holidays off this year. This not only puts pressure on me financially but also in the fact I have no time for myself and I’m 3 years into menopause so feel I need time more these days! It is having an effect on my mental health. He has taken the youngest out today but still won’t have her overnight and didn’t give her any tea so I’ve had to cook her something.
His job is a job, not a career. I went to university for mine and it was a career. I used to work shifts too but had no choice but to quit when all this was kicking off as I knew I needed to be around in the evenings and weekends. I lost my career that I’d worked so hard for since I was 14. I am now, luckily same grade, but a different profession and that is pulling at my heart strings too as I do t really enjoy what I am doing now.
He has never changed his job. He always left me to swap shifts all the time etc.

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 06/06/2021 18:08

You need proper legal advice from a solicitor specialising in this area. Do not agree to or sign anything. Contact Child maintenance too. Amicable does not mean be a pushover.

feltflower · 08/06/2021 21:55

Oh my god - you are being completely sucked in by his story . Take a step back and think dispassionately. If a friend told you all this what would you tell them?

Any thing that you have 'agreed' at this point does not matter - don't think that you have stick to anything you 'agreed'

Please please please go and see a lawyer - you need to understand exactly what you are entitled to and then think about what you are willing to concede on

NB - if this is an issue he doesn't need to know you are seeing a lawyer - you can be advised in the back ground - I did things this way - I wrote all the letters (vetted by my lawyers) so my ex was not aware initially of what was going on as I knew that this would inflame the situation - only you can judge his reaction though -

The inheritance will be counted as part of the marital pot - he would have to argue to keep it - it is a great bargaining chip if you are prepared to let him keep his inheritance

If he is not paying for his kids now then that is red flag that he will never pay for his kids - add that all up for the next x years of school and university and then think about how much you ought to be trying to get out of him now - I know it might seem grubby but you really need to get a grip on the reality of this

As the last poster said - amicable does not mean that you should be a push over. It seems that he is giving you nothing - he doesn't look after the kids, he doesn't pay for them and he is not offering you what you are entitled to -

It is unlikely that he will ever look after the kids regularly given what you have said - he will not care about giving you the break you need and you will not be able to force him to take the kids. But what you can do (pretty much all you can do) is force the finances - so please forget about being nice (to him) and be nice (to yourself) and get as much out of him as you possibly can so that you can put yourself in a position to buy yourself child care / baby sitters/cleaners - what ever you can that can help you get the time you need . Good luck and pleassse -- take advice!!

Momentumneeded · 08/06/2021 23:47

Apply to CMS immediately. I had to wait almost 2 months before I saw the first payment. He doesn't get to choose his contribution - he is legally obligated to financially provide for his children based on his income and the number of nights he has them. He either does 50% shared care or he has to give you maintenance. If he's PAYE it is straightforward and he can't get out of it. Check the CMS calculator so you can see what you will get. As others have said - this is about you protecting yours and the children's needs. Good luck!

SusieSusieSoo · 09/06/2021 06:26

And just to add to the very sensible advice given by pp's if it helps, rather than thinking about the fact that more £ will help you out, think about how much better life will be for dc's if you have time to be fun mummy because you can afford help in the house/garden/babysitters rather than having to do everything and being grumpy mummy like I sometimes am

I had a bf for a while who was getting divorced when I met him. They had "agreed" a settlement both were "happy" with. In mediation he had to give more £ which he did but he was p'd off about and for most of the 18 months I knew him he was utterly terrified that a judge wouldn't approve the figures because there was a chance his exw could have got more (theirs was a fair split in all circs so it was approved).

For some reason some people are afraid to use lawyers in family cases. Nobody ever decides to sell a house without a lawyer though. I am absolutely sure your "h" is hoping you won't instruct one. Please do op for you and dcs.

Original poster

SpottyBlueTeacup · 09/06/2021 18:54

I have arranged to speak to a financial solicitor at £150 an hour.
I have kept a record of how much the kid have cost (bus fares, opticians, school trips etc.) but this doesn’t include food. I realised that, as well as paying all of their costs, I have them here every night (the eldest has stayed at his a few times) so I’m feeding them, washing all of their clothes and paying for the electric/gas they use. One of his bills came here the first month he moved out and he was paying £25 a month for electric and gas whereas mine is over £100!
I’m lucky I earn a good salary but it’s not the point and my eldest is looking at university for next year so I could get lumbered with that too! I have realised that I need advice.
I earned more than him throughout our marriage (probably a good £600-£900 a month more) and we had a joint account where all money was pooled. I am realising I will come off worse but I felt bad as it was me who ended the marriage and he isn’t that far off retirement age whereas I am a lot younger.

OP posts:

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