No financial support from dad

[SpottyBlueTeacup]

Hi,
I separated from my husband early in April and, so far, he has given nothing towards the school costs (bus, lunches, trips) and everyday living costs of the children. My eldest is going to the USA with school next year so I’m paying for that too plus clothes and opticians bills etc.
He inherited another property and has had it done up inside citing that he has no money to give towards the kids and that I ‘pocket the child benefit’ - the £140 goes on school dinners! I am paying for everything and they are still to stay over at his.
I am in the family home (mortgage free) but I will need to sell it and give him his half. He is keeping all of the inherited property so he will be mortgage free. I have to get another mortgage. I was wanting to rent for 6 months and tidy the family home up a bit (just a bit of paint) and put it in the market. I don’t fancy living in it (with 2 messy kids) and having estate agents asking for a viewing in an hour! Plus, if I rent it’ll make things easier for me to buy another house.
Trouble is, as he isn’t paying anything for the kids it’ll tight as I’d have to rent somewhere, pay bills on that, pay all the bills on the family home and pay all the costs for the kids!!
Can I do anything?

His dad only died last year too but I wanted to end the marriage even before that (it is non/existent) so I felt like he thought I was doing this just because he’d inherited another house - I wasn’t. I actually wanted him to keep it as I know he only has 6 years to go until retirement and I wanted him to have enough money but I expected him to pay for half of the kids’ costs! He hasn’t!

Hi,
Thought I’d provide an update.
I have arranged to speak to a solicitor next Tuesday about this whole thing. He still isn’t contributing a penny towards the kids (as in their food, clothes, school costs) and is still using his shifts as an excuse not to have them overnight. He took them out on Saturday between 1330 and 1700 and made sure they were back for tea. He bought them both a treat! I don’t speak to him at all now or do I go out when he drops them off. He is also ignoring my emails.
I am also paying the kids’ pocket money - both get £50 each a month - even though he said he’d give them some (he hasn’t).
I need a break from the kids every now and then as I work FT in a very stressful senior management role. The eldest is self isolating again so I come home to a state in the kitchen. I’ve tried asking him for help but he ignores me. I’ve said to both kids that they need to stay with their dad sometimes. The eldest blames me and said it’s my fault we are living like this!!
I am struggling to sort the house out and I want to put it on the market in August.
He still isn’t having them in the holidays either.
Im just grateful I earn a good salary as it’s like he is trying to make things difficult for me financially so I go running back to him! So glad I am not in that position!!
I haven’t applied for CMS yet. Im not sure if I’d get anything as I earn more than him. I will ask the solicitor on Tuesday.
I really could do with a break! My parents are dead. Is there anyway I can get some sort of child arrangement done via the court?
I should explain that the eldest child is difficult to live with and gets bad tempered at times. He has thrown things at me before and injured me. I need a break from him, mainly, as he affects my mental health.

It doesn't matter if you earn more than him. It's a fixed percentage of his salary based on how many nights he has them. If he doesn't do overnights then he pays whatever the going rate is for however many kids there are.

And get the claim in asap as they don't backdate.

Depending on when the inherited property was inherited it may be part of the marital pot. Even if it isn't you'd have a strong argument that he's adequatelyhoused so his need for housing for DC is of less. Also pensions for both of you will be part of the pot. You can't rely on him to look after his DC, he's shown that. So you need to make sure you can. He's broken the agreement to support his DC. Go back to the negotiating table. I get wanting it to be done and dusted but you need to get a fair outcome for your DC sake if not your own.

@Babysharkdoodoodood

It doesn't matter if you earn more than him. It's a fixed percentage of his salary based on how many nights he has them. If he doesn't do overnights then he pays whatever the going rate is for however many kids there are.

And get the claim in asap as they don't backdate.

This. Do it ASAP. He should be contributing to his children. Maybe once he realises it's going to cost him he'll step up and at least have the kids overnight even if he's Disney Dadding you'll get a little break.

Oh op, I wish for your sake you had posted before the split you'd have had excellent advice from here.

I'm late to the thread but you absolutely must start a claim with cms tomorrow because they do not backdate at all. His earning less than you is irrelevant.

It's never a good idea to do your own divorce/agree to things in a divorce without legal advice especially when there are children and/or property to consider.

You are finding out the hard way unfortunately

While you are the higher earner of the 2 of you are you a high earner tax wise? If not have you thoroughly checked that you and dc are receiving everything you may be eligible for?

You may be surprised

Check the calculators and speak to a welfare advisor (not dwp their goal is not to have people claiming benefits, not as thought to assist people who may need to claim)

This sounds so difficult for you, when your dc hit the uni stage speak to the student finance people. There's more available than you might think.

Really hope you can get this all sorted

@DelilahDingleberry

Does he work? Have you put in a claim with the CMS? Have you spoken to a solicitor about division of assets?

Get a solicitor!

Don't let him screw you over and don't put your house on the market either!

If its not too late you should renege on the desk about him keeping the inherited property.

Then tell him you're doing it because he's not paying towards the children, not sharing the burden of childcare, and he's not being fair. So now you're going to have to make it more fair.

And yes, start a CMS claim. It's got nothing to do with your earnings, it's to do with his and the amount of overnights he has, ie, none, so you, nay, you children, are legally entitled to be financially supported by him.

Enough people have told you to apply to Cms. Just make the call.

Your children need to be on board now with the change in circumstances. You clearly earn well. But learning to budget is a life skill they need. Sit them down. Show them we have x coming in and y going out.

My children are younger than your it seems they know I don't have money for much else once bills are paid. And as the only money coming in is what I earn we have to be careful. They also know we are a team. If I'm asking them to do something it is to help us as a family. And not give me more jobs to do.

So pleased you have appointment with solicitor. It will be money well spent. Be prepared with I formation on all assets. Pensions. House etc.

What you choose to pay out for the children now isn't relevant ( school trip is your choice). Child support is calculated on CMS site to see what legally you should be paid.

He inherited the property before I ended the marriage. I had wanted to before then but his father was sick for a couple of years so I held off. I had decided he could keep that property as he is quite a bit older than me, earns less and is due to retire in 7 years. I had, however, hoped he’d share costs/care of the kids which he hasn’t.
I don’t want to stay in this house anyway as it is a big house to cope with and I hate being overlooked at the back so wanted to leave anyway.
I earn close to the higher tax limit but I’ve worked hard over the years and done courses etc. He did nothing and is still at exactly the same level he was when I met him. I left my profession a year ago (which I’m distraught about) as I was fed up with having to swap my shifts around his (when I was doing late shift/nightshift) so I decided to go for a job with office hours/flexibility. It is a good job but not my profession so tinged with sadness over that too! He would never change his job even though it wasn’t actually something he’d gone to uni for/trained for (low skilled). I felt used financially over the years as it was always me putting more money in the joint account! I even had more coming in when I was on maternity leave and again when I returned 3 days a week. Yes ended up full time after 10 years. I hate that he would never look for another role his industry to help with the kids. My mother in law died before the kids were born and my mum, when she was alive, was too old to help.
It was tough!
I will end up on over £50k in a few years but my eldest is 18 next year so I will lose the child benefit anyway. He is applying for university btw. In fact, they’ve started working on applications for uni at college right now. That worries me too! I don’t want him to suffer though as he is a bright kid (but hard to live with) and I want him to go off and experience something else to make him grow up a bit!! He is obsessed with his Xbox and I want him off it. He got 8’s and 9’s in his GCSE’s.
Anyway, got to dash to work now!

Both kids will be up and working by the time he retires.

@unicornsarereal72 is absolutely right the dc need to know the reality of your life now

For too long I tried to protect dd from knowing how shit her dad was on arranging/facilitating contact and on cm

It all came to light by accident and she was shocked and hurt and felt betrayed by him and me

She and I quickly got back on track as she knew I had done what I thought was best, but the relationship with her dad faltered badly

It certainly does them no harm to learn the realities of life in terms of "no there's no money for a holiday/expensive piece of tech/non primark clothes because after I've paid all the bills there's only £10 left to last the month"

My dd is now grown (20) and is an excellent bargain hunter and likes checking she is getting best value for purchases

Speak to a solicitor ASAP - I hope you've called cms today. If not Monday - stop pussyfooting around this.

Get the CMS claim in tomorrow morning (if they work weekends) or Monday if not. As PP have said, they don’t backdate.

CMS take no account of you earning more than him. They will assess his payments based on his income, the number of children still in FTE, and the number of overnights he has.

He’s taking you for a mug, which means your overall income is lower than it should be which = a stressed parent. Your kids deserve more.

Listen to these Posters OP ..

everything your explaining is of no consequence right now..

CMS.. stop listening to his feeble bullshit excuses.. you know he is feathering his own Nest.. whilst ignoring his Childrens needs..

All assets get split.. no deals.. he lost all rights to a deal by refusing to pay a penny for his kids..

Your kids are entitled to this help and You are entitled.. so stop being NICE/KIND and think of the kids..

good luck Tuesday 🎉 Your Solicitor will keep you right.. 🌸

Thanks all.
I had a look at the CMS calculator at it said I was entitled to just under £400 a month child maintenance. I will put a claim in. He will be shocked at that, I think but it has to be done as he just isn’t contributing at all. It’ll leave him with very little as he had to take a loan out to have the inherited place refurbished and he can’t pay that back until the family home is on the market and sold.

Another development. The youngest child (girl, 13) has announced she doesn’t want to stay with him overnight. I think she finds him as boring as I did! Looks like I’m not going to get any sort of help with childcare.

Any asset acquired during the marriage is a shared asset. Don't make any promises and I'm glad you've applied for CMS.

You will have to divide the finances up and the very best way to do this is by using Form E which you can download from the gov website. You might think you need a solicitor but really it's just box ticking and the provision of all bank accounts and statements over the past 12 months:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-e-financial-statement-for-a-financial-order-matrimonial-causes-act-1973-civil-partnership-act-2004-for-financial-relief-after-an-overseas

If he doesn't do this and exchange it voluntarily you can use Form A which will raise court proceedings by which a court will decide a fair split (of assets too).

You can do all this alongside a divorce but I would urge you not to get divorced until the finances are finalised.

Stop fretting about what money he will have. He is no longer your concern.

Focus on you and the kids and follow the advice the solicitor gives you.

@SpottyBlueTeacup

He is saying he can’t afford to pay anything as he has spent £50k doing the place up. I forgot to say, his sister has a 50% share in the inherited property so he has to buy her out.

That’s his problem! He should be paying towards the children’s upkeep - CMs will sort this out for you - and you may be entitled to a share of his pension in the divorce settlement. Get a lawyer ASAP!

Good OP ..

and focus on your kids needs now.. not his needs 🌸

I’m just another voice imploring you to get legal advice. The care aspect of it is much harder, I fear your longed for free time isn’t going to materialise :(

His finances are not your problem op. You have to look out for the dc and yourself.

This is often said on divorce threads but bears repeating

HE IS NO LONGER A FRIEND OR ALLY

You have to do what's best for you and the kids

It was his choice to spend 50k doing a place up - rather than selling and getting somewhere more affordable and suited to his needs?

And rather than supporting HIS kids

Stop expecting him to Do The Right Thing. He won't. He isn't. He will screw you over.

It is no good justifying what you think he should be doing by writing it here hoping he gets the idea through osmosis or something.

Get legal advice. Don't be a push over.

You said "I will end up on over £50k in a few years but my eldest is 18 next year so I will lose the child benefit anyway. He is applying for university btw. In fact, they’ve started working on applications for uni at college right now. That worries me too!"
On maintentance during university. The whole system is ridiculous. If you earn over £50K your child will only be entitled to a minimal annual loan of around £4250. This will just about cover your kids accomodation (if they are at university somewhere cheap). It will not cover living expenses . I pay towards my sons living expenses £500 per month - other friends pay between 300 and 500 . I was thanking my luck stars that son no 2 is deferred for a year but son number 1 now wants to do a masters so there is that. Then I have son number 3 ... and it goes on (and I am hoping to have retired by then!).

But - and this is the most ridiculous part ... the government does not require your ex to pay ANYTHING towards your son's maintentance - because your son is an adult and outside of A levels . So please bear in mind that once your son is at university you will not be able to get anything out of your dear ex so my advice is to get everything you can now and save it up because you will need it.

I sense that you feel guilty that because you are the higher earner and he is about to retire that you ought to pay more / give him the house? I am in a similar situation - in fact I will post separately as I have an issue about this right now . It is so hard because we are rubbing oursleves against ideas that as the richer party you should pay .You then get into these arguments ( but I worked harder than him, he was lazy / I should be able to retire / I'm tired/ he has had bad luck etc it goes on and on and on until your head is spinning ) . We are so trained to think that we need to give in and be submissive and kind and understanding that we then just give in

But ... isn't there a bottom line .. he has kids, you have kids, you both have a responsiblity to pay for them. And the law is very fair on maintenance - they look at his salary and look at how much he has them over to his and they do the calculation - you can do it yourself on the government maintenance website. They decide this on the basis of what they think he can afford on his salary. Look at this and then work out what you actually spend - there is a massive deficit .. the person who the kids live with pay way more..

As for the asset split - you will be advised that you are entitled to 50% of everything inluding the house that he inherited. You might feel greedy but he has shown his colours here - he will not pay for his kids so you will have to. The law will not help you once your kid is at uni so remember that. While it is really hard when you are looking at someone else's inheritance - you might feel that you did not earn that. However you have been carrying the family financially and because you are a responsible person you will continue to do that and continue to maintain over and above what he will give you or the law says he will give you - so just get what you can now please. You can always give it back to him if you find you don't need it ! :)