Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DH intending to go NC with children

31 replies

SimonBassettsWife · 03/06/2021 23:05

My STBXH has declared that he considers it too disruptive for our children to be “handed over” all the time and therefore intends to move away and not see them. He’s just started looking for property in an area that I don’t think he has any connection to, miles from where we live and further away from his family. Obviously not in a place to listen to reason, but I’m stunned that he thinks this is the right decision. Thoughts?

OP posts:
ColaOlaLa · 03/06/2021 23:06

I’m not sure what you can do? My ex doesn’t see our children at all, it happens after break ups sometimes.

User135792468 · 03/06/2021 23:07

How very bizarre! Could he be going through some sort of breakdown / mental health issues? How old are the dc?

user123532 · 03/06/2021 23:18

Is there something he can sign on his way out to give up his parental rights, so he can't come back in the future and demand access etc once they're used to him not being there?

Original poster
SimonBassettsWife · 03/06/2021 23:19

DC are 15 and 10. I don’t know what’s going on with him at all, he doesn’t seem to want anything so yes, I guess possibly depressed though seems fine most of the time (I know you can seem fine and not be, of course).
@colaolala - sorry to hear that. How have you coped?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 03/06/2021 23:21

Do you think he means it, or do you think he's just saying it to upset you.

Has he actually gone to view properties miles away, or is he just looking at them online (ie, pretending he's going to move into one of them).

ColaOlaLa · 03/06/2021 23:22

He’s not been around for 4 years, the kids don’t even remember him tbh. It means I’m a lone parent so I don’t get any time to myself which I must admit is very hard never getting a break.

ColaOlaLa · 03/06/2021 23:23

And people will say he doesn’t mean it depressed etc but for me he did mean it.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 03/06/2021 23:24

My Dad did this. Cock. But in some ways, compared to a couple of my friends, it was better than him dipping in and out. He went and he was gone.

That said, I was much younger and it was a long time ago when men got let off the hook a lot more easily. Your DCs will (obviously) be reeling from this.

I think all you can do is be honest with the DCs (this is his choice, not yours). I'd definitely look into counselling/other forms of support for them. And I would very sweetly remind DH that not seeing his kids doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay CMS...

UnFringed · 03/06/2021 23:26

15 and 10 will be truly awful for them what an utter dick. It’s not even like they are the hard work of younger kids.

Is he still wanting to be together? Wonder if he’s doing this to scare you back into compliance?

Deathgrip · 03/06/2021 23:27

Any chance he’s met someone who lives there? I know someone who was in a similar situation but he got together with a woman hours away and just disappeared.

Original poster
SimonBassettsWife · 03/06/2021 23:27

I think he means it, but hard to say. He’s been totally head in the sand about the whole separation, so this may be some sort of shock setting in. He’s only looking online, but didn’t leave the page open or anything like he wanted me to see it (yes, snooper, sorry Blush).

I don’t know that I could ever bring myself to deny him his parental rights, but I can see why you suggest it.

My main concern is both short and long term impact on DC, but I have to say that I’m imagining how hard my own life is going to be. I work FT and don’t have family or friends to rely on.

OP posts:
Original poster
SimonBassettsWife · 03/06/2021 23:29

@Deathgrip That occurred to me as well, though he barely leaves the house so would have to be online. Not impossible I guess.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 03/06/2021 23:37

That's sad for your children. It does sound suspicious tbh.

AutumnColours9 · 04/06/2021 01:28

My DH was like this and he was having yet another affair. In 2 years he has seen 1 of our kids once and text the others a couple of times. Total shit show.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2021 01:31

Does he have a good relationship with them now?

ineedaholidaynow · 04/06/2021 01:36

Make him explain to them what he is planning to do

RainingZen · 04/06/2021 01:58

If it is a tactic to upset YOU by hurting the kids and making your life difficult, does that sound out of character?

It could be he is wanting to make himself suffer, by cutting himself off from everyone is it maybe a self-imposed exile because he is really hurting ans doesnt know how to process everything?

Or perhaps it is even simply practical - he can get a much smaller place without space for the kids, thereby saving money?

Not knowing anything more about you all, I'd say make some sympathetic noises and say to him that despite what has happened between you and him, the kids need him in their lives and love him and you desperately hope he will reconsider for their sake, but you won't force the issue now. Tell him that at any time he is ready to reconsider you will be waiting for his call, and you'll do your utmost to try and limit the emotional damage to the kids.

If you make him explain it to the kids (yikes), make sure you're there too, as I know my 10 year old would never recover from being told by her dad that he was going to walk away and never contact her again. It is an extremely brutal thing to tell a child. I would anticipate begging and pleading and hysterical sobbing if my DD was told that. Personally I'd just say, dad is sorting out somewhere to live and when he's settled he will let us all know.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2021 02:00

My first thought is another woman. What a prick. He will be devastating his children, and I would tell him so.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 04/06/2021 02:01

My Ex and I have 3 kids, the older 2 are in their early 20s and rarely bother with him despite him asking them to go for a drink (Alcoholic) yet our youngest is just 9 and the cun*t has not seen him in 2 years. I have tried to make him see his son but to no avail, yet only beginning to realise this was intentional to hurt me.

After letting my son down over and over I no longer will protect his dad and explained to my son the truth about him. It was upsetting at first but he no longer expects to be let down and hurt and we do not make any contact at all. You cannot force him to be in their lives if he does not want to be, and please do not beg him or ask the kids too as he will use the power trip to get to you.

Original poster
SimonBassettsWife · 04/06/2021 11:03

@RainingZen That’s some very sensible and rational advice. His relationship with them now is OK, he’s not super actively involved with them but they don’t fight. I don’t think I’ll be protecting him if he chooses this, even though I’ve so far tried to keep them out of our mess (he hasn’t). I already made all the warm noises about not fighting any more once we’re out of this toxic situation.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 04/06/2021 12:57

Very odd and my instinct is it’s to hurt you. There’s obviously a range between not seeing for weekends and no contact. What does he want? Eg the children are of an age they could message him. Does he want that eg text to say I’ve got an A in my test or I’ve been picked for football team. Does he want to holiday with them. If he doesn’t want that does he want to be told important stuff eg gcse results, which Uni at or medical stuff eg if they were in hospital. Maybe his responses would shed some light on it. I’d be honest with children and he needs to be honest with them. If he truely wants to walk away then they may find counselling helps it’s a horrible thing he’s contemplating.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 04/06/2021 13:44

My ex was going to do this. It was a strange time and I felt he was very much trying to upset me and get me jealous. I'd had experience of his completely irrational plans - that cause disruption to everyone's lives yet never materialise - before. I just listened to the boasting about the huge oversized house and lifestyle he'd be getting, the fantastic job lined up for him and how splitting up with me had opened up all these opportunities etc. My daughter was very much involved in all this talk. It never happened and we never got an explanation about what went wrong.

Since then there have been many occasions where my daughter's feelings haven't been taken into consideration. She is lucky that her paternal grandparents are on her side and will speak to him on her behalf.

intor · 05/06/2021 11:07

Could a new woman have asked for this? A friend (should say ex-friend as we don't speak now) did this with her man. They were childhood sweethearts but then went their separate ways and had other long term relationships. They met a couple of decades later and her condition for them getting together was that he stops all contact with his then five year old daughter. She didn't want the baggage of his previous relationship and child. The guy agreed. They've been married about five years now.

I don't know what goes through people's minds.

giletrouge · 05/06/2021 16:11

intor what a horrible thing to ask of another human being, that they abandon their own child. And he agreed to it. I can't imagine either of them are happy living with that hanging over them.

OP he sounds a bit disturbed to think such a thing is reasonable or in some way better for the children but I doubt you can influence him. I'm sorry, I've got no advice really I'm just sad that so many men seem to be able to walk away from children they've apparently loved. It's so shocking. I hope you're ok. Flowers

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 05/06/2021 16:17

He does know he'll still need to financially support them, right?