DH intending to go NC with children

[SimonBassettsWife]

My STBXH has declared that he considers it too disruptive for our children to be “handed over” all the time and therefore intends to move away and not see them. He’s just started looking for property in an area that I don’t think he has any connection to, miles from where we live and further away from his family. Obviously not in a place to listen to reason, but I’m stunned that he thinks this is the right decision. Thoughts?

I know someone that did similar. He has to pay maintenance but begrudges that. I have one that floats in and out and is no use. Some men just genuinely seem able to walk away from their commitments. On the plus side yours are older and so in juggling work and life it might be slightly easier. You can’t force them to have their kids although it would be wonderful if you could.

What a waste of space.

The sooner he's out of the house, the better (it sounds from your posts like you're still living together?). You can then reduce the conflict and settle down as a perfect little team of three. He sounds like a negative and disruptive influence on you and the DC.

If he's not capable of behaving like an adult, it might be best for the children for contact to be minimised at first while things are settling down. I wouldn't say anything to them about his plan not to see them anymore as he may change his mind when he's on his own, no one cares about him and he's not holding you all to ransom through his behaviour. At the moment, he's probably looking for a reaction to his grand statements, a bit like a small child in a mood who says they're running away from home and never coming back. "OK then, whatever" is probably the best response.

Thanks for all the responses.

Yes, still living together. It’s been over for some time but he clearly has no incentive to leave while he’s getting cooked and cleaned for (not that he’s getting special treatment but I’m not going to make dinner for us and not him, for the sake of not making things impossible for the DC). But things have to change in the next month or so, the situation is only getting more terrible.

He’s really burdened my elder DC with all sorts in the last year and told him already of his intention to cut ties. To start with he must have painted me as the one who would be causing all the problems but then DS realised what a c*ish thing this would be, so DH started backtracking. Luckily DS is sharing this with me so I can offer my support, for what that’s worth.

I just can’t imagine that any woman would ask this of a man, and I think it’s not very likely here. He hasn’t got the imagination for an OW.

Yes he knows he has to pay but is working on the basis of a 50/50 spilt - when I pointed out that him f’ing off into the ether for forever would mean I needed more he basically called me a CF.

Who's driving the separation? You by any chance?

He's doing it to hurt you. And also to make himself look better. He will fuck off into the wilderness and paint you as the evil woman who kept him away from his kids.

Make sure he pays and tell him to jog on.

@MrMeeseekslookatme Yes it’s me driving the separation. And maybe a PP had it right that maybe this is a last ditch for me to accept us staying together. He’s doing it to hurt me, but at the same time will tell DC it’s because of me that he can’t see them anymore, so they could end up with one parent they hate (me) and one who won’t see them. So either way they come off worse.

You need to get him out. When he's out, you can start reassuring the DC and minimising the harm caused to them.