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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Reasonable for ex to leave DD for four hours

46 replies

leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:02

Hello. My older children are at Uni and there's only youngest DD (just turned 13) at home. She has usual visits with exH every other weekend in London.

This Saturday she FaceTimed me from his for help with her homework. I asked where her father was, and he'd gone cycling ( keen Lycra type). He was gone for about three to four hours. DD got her own breakfast.

She was ok for a bit (as she had lots of homework) but she definitely wanted to interact with me, for company. I stayed on FaceTime for 1.5 hours helping her until he returned.

Does anyone else's ex go out and leave a single DC alone. If so, how long for and at that age?

Apart from anything else he only sees her 4 days a month so you'd think he'd want to maximise that.

OP posts:
Dntevenknowit · 31/05/2021 20:03

Totally up to him what he feels comfortable with when he's in charge although at 13 id feel as you do as her mom.

TwigTheWonderKid · 31/05/2021 20:06

I can't see any issue with leaving a 13 year old alone for that amount of time but it seems odd and rather sad when they spend so little time together.

Original poster
leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:10

Yes it's definitely sad.

She's only just turned 13 and is quite slow to mature , so whilst she was ok I'm really glad I was available when she FaceTimed.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 31/05/2021 20:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

OwlTwitterings · 31/05/2021 20:13

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to leave a child of that age alone for that length of time but I agree it seems sad he didn’t want to maximise their time together. Still, whilst in his care, it’s his decision to make, although I can’t imagine it helps with his relationship with his daughter.

Zoladrama · 31/05/2021 20:13

I had to leave my 12 yr old all day for months during the school closures. However I had no choice. Most 13 year olds would be fine for a few hours however in this case, it's a bit shit of him given he's the NRP with very little contact. Why on earth didn't he take her with him or do something she would like to do, as most parents have to. Actually I already know the answer, he's a selfish twat.

Original poster
leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:17

although I can’t imagine it helps with his relationship with his daughter.

I think as he used to cycle a lot at weekends when we were married she just accepted it..but then instinctively wanted me there .. or at the other end of a computer at least.

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:19

Why on earth didn't he take her with him or do something she would like to do, as most parents have to. Actually I already know the answer, he's a selfish twat.

Yes to the latter, and she couldn't keep up as it's fast lycra strava type cycling.

OP posts:
Castlepeak · 31/05/2021 20:23

We occasionally leave our 12 yo home alone for around 2-3 hours at a time, but she is quite comfortable with this. Most recently to go car shopping. We wouldn’t do it if she wasn’t 100% confident. I double and triple check every time and she rolls her eyes at me and tells me I’m being ridiculous. So it’s entirely child dependent. I definitely don’t do it if she has active homework going on or anything where she is likely to need assistance.

Comefromaway · 31/05/2021 20:25

At age 13 (with Sen and young for his age) Ds was often home for 2-3 hours after school or longer on inset days etc.

NothingIsWrong · 31/05/2021 20:29

I had to leave my 12yo home alone for long stretches during lockdown so I don't think the age is an issue. Just sad that he doesn't want to spend that time with her, I think.

FelicityPike · 31/05/2021 20:32

Yeah I think that’s fine, but a bit shit when he doesn’t see her that much, but that’s his choice.

Momentumneeded · 31/05/2021 20:33

My ex does this with our two (similar Strava obsession) - they are old enough to be left but I just don't get it - how can they not prioritise time with their kids when they see them for a couple of weekends a month? In our case he half-heartedly invites them to do something competitive that he likes (or maybe socialising with his friends who they don't know), they obviously say no, so off he goes for several hours and then he complains that they are on their screens all the time when they are with him. Unsurprisingly they don't like going there and I don't think he's grasped that they aren't little anymore and at some point they will vote with their feet. 🙄

BikeRunSki · 31/05/2021 20:34

Leaving a 13 year old for 3-4 hours - not a problem.
Leaving a child when she is visiting NRP for the weekend - not on.

pointythings · 31/05/2021 20:37

That's sad and selfish. DD's age isn't an issue, it's perfectly fine for her to be on her own, but it's awful that he won't set aside his precious hobbies to spend time with his daughter.

Let's hope she sees through him soon and will want to stop seeing him.

Original poster
leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:37

@BikeRunSki

Leaving a 13 year old for 3-4 hours - not a problem. Leaving a child when she is visiting NRP for the weekend - not on.
I think I was merging the two things which is why I couldn't figure out if reasonable or not. Conscious that I may be influenced by frustrations that during the marriage he didn't prioritise interacting with them either..
OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 31/05/2021 20:40

Also, it's one thing to leave a barely 13 year old at home and quite another to leave them at a 'home' they visit twice a month.

Woukd DD rather not go than before left alone when there? Or could he pick her up afterwards?

KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 20:43

I know a woman who doesn’t have any hesitation in leaving her 11 year old alone for 30 hours a week and she is deputy headteacher. The kid wakes up alone and walks alone to school a couple of miles away, he comes back and stays alone until 6:30-7 when his mum shows up after work, apparently nobody else but her is trusted enough to have the keys to the school so she has to be there to let people in before the breakfast club and cannot leave until the last person leaves the after school club, she says. But then she is always volunteering for other stuff or taking new courses so the child is unsupervised for a massive amount of time. In that time the kid has become an addict to gaming, has become aggressive, violent sometimes and even has dabbed into child pornography. But mum doesn’t care. I think it is neglect, at that age you can leave them alone for a few hours here and there but not in a regular basis as things start spiralling out of control. Dad could help but is told that what happens in her time with the kid is none of his business, he knows he cannot even take her to court as who would listen to him if she is a deputy headteacher and even a bloody Samaritan?

So who knows, there are no rules. Apparently they cannot punish you for leaving a child alone at home... at least not until something serious happens.

ineedaholidaynow · 31/05/2021 20:44

If it was you leaving her I wouldn’t have a problem but as he sees so little of her, it seems rubbish

Original poster
leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:50

If he collected her afterwards, as it's about 1.5 hours away, then the stay would be very short.

She knows the house well as it was the former matrimonial home. For various reasons including her schooling she and I ended up in a smaller property we were doing up anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:52

Karma *
*
That teacher's set up is shocking.

OP posts:
Aprilwasverywet · 31/05/2021 20:53

My exh left 3 under 10's home alone every Saturday night..
Ss and nspcc weren't interested.
Apparently a difference in parenting styles...

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 31/05/2021 20:54

I think that's really shit. Just shit. He sees her four days a month and spends two halves of those days out cycling. Fucking hate mamils.

KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 21:04

Op, my ex used to leave DS alone to go out at night when DS was 4, I couldn’t do anything to stop him, the only response I got was that he had a life to live, his time with DS was none of my business and that he would just not let me know when he was doing it. NSPPC and social services were not interested at all, nothing they could do about as nothing “had happened”... yet.

The saving grace in your case is that your kid is 12, meaning that if she stops enjoying spending time at his house, she can decide not to go and the court will listen to her wishes.

With teenage approaching she may even be still on bed at the time he comes back but again, if she is not comfortable with the situation she can stop visits without much of a problem if she is not enjoying the time there.

spongedog · 31/05/2021 21:11

My teenager wasnt ready at 13 to be left for any length of time. We have worked our way up slowly from 30 mins to now all day and they get their "own" lunch but that is at 15. That is in my house. My ex wont leave the same (sensible) teenager alone at all.