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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Reasonable for ex to leave DD for four hours

46 replies

leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 20:02

Hello. My older children are at Uni and there's only youngest DD (just turned 13) at home. She has usual visits with exH every other weekend in London.

This Saturday she FaceTimed me from his for help with her homework. I asked where her father was, and he'd gone cycling ( keen Lycra type). He was gone for about three to four hours. DD got her own breakfast.

She was ok for a bit (as she had lots of homework) but she definitely wanted to interact with me, for company. I stayed on FaceTime for 1.5 hours helping her until he returned.

Does anyone else's ex go out and leave a single DC alone. If so, how long for and at that age?

Apart from anything else he only sees her 4 days a month so you'd think he'd want to maximise that.

OP posts:

Original poster

leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 21:50

My exh left 3 under 10's home alone every Saturday night

Op, my ex used to leave DS alone to go out at night when DS was 4

Well that puts it in perspective at least I'm just worried about her wanting company and him not wanting to maximise their time.

Worrying about pre schoolers waking and no-one being there must be beyond awful.

Needless to say on the other weekends (when he is with the gf) I don't think he goes off with the other mamils at all.

OP posts:

PicaK · 31/05/2021 22:22

Leaving one that age for 2-3 hours isn't a problem.
But as nrp I'm surprised. What time was it though. 7-10am lot different to 10-1pm.

Aprilwasverywet · 31/05/2021 22:29

I saw my dc fighting on xbox live while that twat was out drinking.. I rang the pub who tipped him off and he went home. I had set off to go get them.
He also took them to visit a convicted child abuser. Nspcc said it would have been nice for the dc to have seen the relative...

RonaldMcDonald · 31/05/2021 22:39

Depends on the 13 yr old but it’s legal

Why does he only have 4 days contact per month? Does he work away?
What a massively limited amount of time
Sometimes I think NRPs fill their lives to stave of loneliness but this and the often incredibly limited access means their behaviour during contact isn’t ideal

I have 50:50 with my ex. I do almost anything to fill my time

fearfulfran · 31/05/2021 22:51

13 fine to be left alone like this but sad when it's contact time that he can't prioritise his dd. Sounds like he's making all the same mistakes with her as he did his marriage. Idiot.

slightlysnippy · 31/05/2021 23:14

Awful he would rather spend time on his hobby than her. Also 4 hour cycle means he's most of the time too far away from her to get back to her quickly if she does need help.

Selfish twat.

Original poster

leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 23:16

@RonaldMcDonald

Depends on the 13 yr old but it’s legal

I have 50:50 with my ex. I do almost anything to fill my time

She's a young 13 year old.Hard to explain and I didn't intend to drip feed but she is slightly SEN, overall still more CBBC than tiktok if that makes sense.

He has the four days a month, so alternate weekends, as that is what he asked for. 50:50 would be difficult as he lives and works in London and we moved out.
The current fortnightly pattern is what he did with the DC from his previous marriage too. Yes he's done the NRP thing before so the four days a month is his default/comfort zone. I think his work and the gf stave off any loneliness he may feel , if he does.

OP posts:

Original poster

leopardandspots · 31/05/2021 23:17

@PicaK

Leaving one that age for 2-3 hours isn't a problem. But as nrp I'm surprised. What time was it though. 7-10am lot different to 10-1pm.

It was around 8am until midday.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2021 23:22

I think he's a massive prick, honestly. He sees his child only 4 days a month and he can't forgoe his precious bike ride to spend as much time with her as possible? 3-4 hours is absolutely ridiculous. What an arsehole.

nancy75 · 31/05/2021 23:23

All kids are different, I don’t think I would have left my dd at home on her own for that long at just 13, because I don’t think she would have been very comfortable with it. Op, as your Dd was FaceTiming you for such a long time Id guess she might not have been that comfortable with it either. Some 13 year olds are a lot older than others.

Theunamedcat · 31/05/2021 23:30

I woukd have been fine leaving dd at that age but ds is almost 13 and hell no is he mature enough I left him for an hour to do the shopping when the schools were closed so many messages someone was on the doorstep knocking the door he could see the neighbours window cleaner he heard something downstairs I had neighbours on standby if he couldn't take the anxiety anymore fortunately he stayed in the house but the stress of it all I came back and made him some tea to settle his nerves

TheOrigRights · 31/05/2021 23:48

Well, she's getting a clear message where she lies in his list of priorities.
Poor kid.
I agree with a PP who said it would be hard for him to get back if she needs him (I presume he takes his phone?).
I am a lone parent and am now able to leave my 12 yo home alone for periods of time, either while I do errands, visit his grandad in his care home or do my sport.
Sometimes I have to forgo the latter because he needs me more. It's frustrating because my sport is very important for me, but it's not essential. It's just what you do as a parent isn't it.

vivainsomnia · 01/06/2021 12:52

Does it happen every weekend she visits? 3 to 4 hours before she wakes up?

If it's every time she's there from the time she is awake, then yes, it's a bit selfish. If it's occasional when the weather is exceptionally good and/or he leaves at 7am and is back by 10:30 when she gets up at 9 or later, then it' no big deal.

MrsKeats · 01/06/2021 12:59

I wouldn't dream of doing this.
He should be spending time with his daughter.

PurpleMustang · 01/06/2021 13:57

Yeah it is 2 separate issues. Childs age is one. Not bothering to spend limited time with your child is another. Once she does mature more and want to spend time with friends more on the weekend she will tell him by going with her feet

SoLongSister · 01/06/2021 14:39

My ex did this to my DC, to go to church every Sunday morning and again in the afternoon (happy-clappy born again Christian). DC was 12 at the time and okay to be left alone but as far as I'm concerned out of order as he should have been spending time with his DC.

His loss, DC refuses to see him now.

mathanxiety · 01/06/2021 17:13

ExH and I had an agreement that if leaving the DCs for more than two hours, either I would take them for the time he would be away or he would need to hire a babysitter. This lasted until the DCs were 15 or so.

We also had an agreement that he wouldn't do hobbies that interfered significantly with parenting time.

I recommend that you talk to exH and ask him what he sees as the point and purpose of weekend parenting time if he isn't going to parent for long stretches.

I think four hours is too long to leave a child who would be perfectly comfortable at home. Maybe she could arrive at exH's at noon on Saturday instead of having to spend the morning on her own.

KarmaNoMore · 01/06/2021 19:51

I think it is not the kid who needs to adjust the time, he could be cycling less hours or leaving and returning much earlier, how about 5-8 or 8-10? I bet he wouldn’t because the important thing is not the cycling but having a good time with his mates, and for that he is even worse....

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 01/06/2021 20:03

I know someone who'd leave her 12 year old alone with a 3 and 6 year old all day in school holidays so I'm not sure. I'd probably leave my DD when she is 13 for a couple of hours but no longer and not to go off cycling.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 01/06/2021 20:06

Also if he is only seeing her a few days every month I find that really selfish

Original poster

leopardandspots · 01/06/2021 21:04

Thank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

I'm disinclined to talk to him about the purpose of spending time with her, as he didn't listen when we were married, so he won't listen now.

I find it interesting how many DC vote with their feet when they can. Somehow I don't think DD will- she's sort of stuck in there like a moth at a flame trying to get the stable continuous interest and engagement that he just cannot deliver.

OP posts:

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