Divorce / other parent decides to cut off child

[Lilly239]

Our child is adopted from 1 year and for many years we have raised this child we are mum and dad and integrated fully into family ...prior and post divorce there was some interest in preserving relationship from dad as in not cutting out or making statements about not wanting to cut out at all and to not want child to think dad has just disappeared etc to then a total an utter cut off with him it’s shocking ...literally within days it was like a total different thing my ex was saying it went to that to I can not be involved now as I don’t want a relationship with you and all I did was to encourage the relationship and do nothing in that time but my ex just decided now we are divorcing etc everything he said prior and just alittle (few days) post separation within days it was literally change of heart. My nearly to be ex husband has told family to stop sending any gifts for like birthdays etc he refers to her only as a legal daughter now (which he never did prior) and gives a strong vibes of just not even loving her :( poor child but obviously doesn’t know - but I know. And then when I dare mention his lack of regards for daughter it’s not just the not seeing child but it’s the lack of regard he gets really defensive and says he does care etc but his actions show not even suggesting post divorce just go into social housing etc just no care whatsoever but then he says he does care it’s so confusion :( nothing in actions to suggest he does ... there is just no showing it at all. What would make a parent say all that stuff about being around and almost like pretending to care then literally within days make such a big decision that they now don’t want to be involved as in zero contact .
Anyone else going through this? X

Well he can’t walk away from child support, but I guess that’s not the point.

Yeah exactly ...he didn’t want to support eventually I had to apply through cms

No @Temp023 it’s just the total lack of regard that has got me especially since this is not what he said at first it was like within days he just had a change of heart ...my poor child although she upset more about not seeing other side of family but just trying to keep things together , however I couldn’t believe when he has told family to stop sending stuff for child for birthdays and that will agree to change surname after divorce finalised I looked at him and said no we won’t be doing they right now...just can’t get my head around this whole thing x

Some people are just shits
I don’t think it’s more complicated than that
Personally I gave no idea how anyone can do it but they do, even to their own ‘blood’ children.

It’s a sad state of affairs but I would try not to dwell on it. You still have all your love to give her so she’ll be fine x

@millymollymoomoo I know :( always have my love but I think what has been differcult is the way I’ve been blamed that because of me and not wanting a relationship with me he can’t have one with child and I was like but that doesn’t stop care or wanting to or for example organising a family member to see her etc , but he’s fine to meet up at coffee shops and have coffee or offer me a lift home (which shocked me) which he stated he doesn’t want to be there talking to me but has to because of divorce but it’s confused me that I’m sitting here thinking so if you can interact with me why are you abandoning completely our child? And to say to family to stop sending gifts I just can’t get over that :( it’s not the really seeing child (it’s is but)- more so the complete lack of regard or care so how can he turn around still says he cares but doesn’t act like it x

I will move on and I’m trying to just keep things as normal as possible for child but for me personally it’s really difficult isn’t it x

I'm boiling with anger on your behalf. He's her dad. Every dad is a legal dad whether birth child or adopted.
She doesn't need him or his crappy family in her life tbh. What a bastard

I’m so angry for you.

And his family has agreed to also cut contact with your daughter?
What absolute low lives

@PicaK I’m assuming so because they blocked me etc. I just can’t believe it really that he would sip coffee with me but he can’t just pick his child up once a week or email once a week to show how they are? I just don’t get it x

@GappyValley when we met for coffee to talk I said so you won’t be sending stuff for birthdays or Christmas anymore? And he said it would be confusing because I can’t have a relationship with you then I can’t have a relationship with child , and I was like but we can interact and talk decently so what does that mean a relationship with me. Perplexing 😣
I asked then why did his mother send money for granddaughter at Easter and he said I told her to stop but it’s her choice , I didn’t even say anything back I just was just numb
I really tired to suggest other ways without even involving me like a family member to have contact but he isn’t even showing proper care towards child he doesn’t even ask Anyone to ask me is the child ok , I’m loss to what to actually think x

But we can sit down and chat etc so why excuse that , that he can’t interact with me well when all this time I have done nothing but be amicable but been questioning why is he doing this hurting child? It doesn’t take much to show care there is like nothing there which makes me think was for years was it all a lie did he actually not care for our child :( that’s what I’m struggling with x

I’m so sorry, Lilly
It is as illogical as it is inexcusable

I wish very very bad things in that man and his despicable family

Did you initiate the divorce? Sometimes I do think arseholes do this was a way of punishing the parent who decided to end the relationship.

Making a lot of sweeping generalisations here, I also think there are a large number of men who don't actually want kids but have them to shut the woman up or make them stay.

Some people are just arseholes too unfortunately. But you probably know that already and that's why it ended.

Sounds like he’s trying to put pressure on you- ‘if you won’t have a relationship with me, then I won’t have a relationship with the child’. Trying to find something to hurt you back- in order to take back some control.
I would just agree calmly, ‘if she means so little to you then it is healthier she doesn’t see you. Get in touch if that changes and I will help you manage contact with her again’.

The relationship he chose to leave kinda by going staying at his mothers for abit then after a month a started divorce proceedings because at first he was coming to the house to see Child but then suddenly within days after last visit (the day in mentioned was a nice event nothing happened) then within days no message so I messaged to see what was going on , nothing. Then I got a phone call to say he thought the marriage was over and I said well ok if you think that come collect your belongings etc and then he told me he didn’t think he could be popping in child life and i said was why are you saying that that’s scaring me - so I filed for divorce straight away after that comment because I thought what did that mean / then it went from bad to worse he just seem to turn extremely cold and uncaring towards child - I don’t know if anyone can read inbetween lines of that - I’ve asked why I can’t have relationship with you so can’t with child but prior this everything was fine he came to see child etc and I said well nothing was wrong before but you could get a family member involved or even phone calls etc why do you have to tell family members to stop sending birthdays emails etc he said it would just confuse things ... I suggested I don’t have to be involved as such but it’s not just the not seeing it’s the complete lack of care on his part and the calling child ‘only legal child’ correcting me when I say our child.
I feel betrayed :( x

Sorry I mean to say I started divorce proceedings after he left when he made comment about our child not popping in out of their life , so he said he couldn’t continue marriage but I petitioned divorce x

He is trying to punish you by hurting your daughter.

He is a callous bastard, and now you know this, you can protect yourself and your daughter.

I also think there are a large number of men who don't actually want kids but have them to shut the woman up or make them stay.

Not sure about large number but I agree with pp that he didn't deep down want to adopt. He could be using the 'we can't have a relationship' as an excuse to walk away from fatherhood

Yes it appears even though he made this lovely speech in court maybe that was all lies? :( regarding the adoption ...

It’s not nice because there was lots of conversations about it and me making sure he wanted it to turn out he probably didn’t and all things promised after separation as now been turned into he can’t be involved

Sounds to me like he wanted you to beg and plead for him to come back and instead you started divorce proceedings so he's punishing you via your child. It's a despicable way to behave whatever his reasons and only serves to confirm you're doing the right thing divorcing him OP

@Weirdfan :( it’s awful ...may I post some messages that we first spoke about and get everyone’s opinions based on the messages I have?- maybe it will help me to process what has happened etc and get peoples views from an outsider perspective ...I’ll post a few of them soon to this thread x

November 2020
Husband:

I can’t continue our marriage if (child) wants to see me then we are age something
Child maintenance is a consideration

Wife:
It may take time to warm up as (child) is very confused but of course would want to see you

Nothing said inbetween A few days after this - this happened

Wife: I asked you about the other stuff for more clarity the only time we spoke proper since was on 24th Oct when we had a full conversation for an hour and I remember every word that was said wanting to see (child) and then you emailed to say to arrange it etc And now I just want abit of clarity on what I have just emailed etc about things these last few months / relationship with (child) etc can you not answer me over those? If not just say you can’t answer them so I know

Husband: I don't want to answer at the moment.
Once I've spoken to a solicitor then I will respond.

Wife: yes about the financial bits etc needing advice but I’m talking about (child) I don’t understand you won’t respond about seeing (child) or caring about or asking about (child) etc untill you have seen a soclictor? you’re scaring me saying that like are you trying to find out do you have to or something. That’s deeply hurt me

Husband: The honest answer is that at this moment in time I don't know. Obviously I care but it's about what's best for (child) and also what I and you can cope with at the moment.
I want (child) to have stability it's easier for that to happen without me popping in and out of her life at the moment.
I'll be in touch once I've spoken to the solicitor next week or when I've sorted the bills out in your name only.

Wife: I can answer once for myself I can cope with our marriage ending. But what is deeply hurt me is the rejection of a (child) you called daughter for years and years since being 1 and rejection off your family? How could you, you promised to be “forever dad” it’s like you don’t even ask about (child) no matter what and has the same rights as how do you expect me to tell (child) this?
This seems very cruel I trusted you your dad told me to trust you because you cared about (child) and now I find out you don’t? I’m beyond hurt.

Then stuff after this was sent for childs Christmas and birthday and now it’s been said since then that husband has asked family to stop sending stuff and he won’t be enquiring how child is or anything as he doesn’t want a relationship with me but I’ve been amicable all along and never stood in the way of the child / dad relationship , he’s coming off at first he wanted to be amicable etc and see child when we just split up and now from between then to this now he seems to turn to absolutely detest me and wants nothing to do with child and says the child is ‘only legal child’ corrects me when I say our child...
I’m perplexed to what happened inbetween

Anyone got any views of this scenario x

Oh then it turned from child maintenance as a consideration to our right refusal so I waited two months after that and nothing so then I applied through cms ....

Honestly OP I've no clue what's going on in his head, there's nothing in those messages that gives me (or you) any insight and maybe that's as he intended? Maybe he felt keeping you dangling over contact with DC was his last little bit of power over you/the situation, which would tie in with him punishing you via DC now you've taken control and pushed on with the divorce.

It's all conjecture though and the only person who can say for sure why he's done what he's done is him, although of course he never will. Frustrating and painful though it must be I think you have to accept that you can't force him to want or have contact, all you can do is be the stability and unconditional love your DC needs and try to fill the gap for her as best you can. It's a sad fact that we can't protect our kids from their other parent being shit, all you can do is be the best parent you can be and hope that's enough

Read the book 'Runaway Husbands' by Vicki Stark. Typically a loving husband and good man one day and cold hard selfish man the next. Why they do this is a mystery. I've heard MLC and covert narcissist as reasons but ultimately you will never know. You need to look after yourself and your child as he is gone and has taken his family with him.