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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce / other parent decides to cut off child

38 replies

Lilly239 · 28/05/2021 21:39

Our child is adopted from 1 year and for many years we have raised this child we are mum and dad and integrated fully into family ...prior and post divorce there was some interest in preserving relationship from dad as in not cutting out or making statements about not wanting to cut out at all and to not want child to think dad has just disappeared etc to then a total an utter cut off with him it’s shocking ...literally within days it was like a total different thing my ex was saying it went to that to I can not be involved now as I don’t want a relationship with you and all I did was to encourage the relationship and do nothing in that time but my ex just decided now we are divorcing etc everything he said prior and just alittle (few days) post separation within days it was literally change of heart. My nearly to be ex husband has told family to stop sending any gifts for like birthdays etc he refers to her only as a legal daughter now (which he never did prior) and gives a strong vibes of just not even loving her :( poor child but obviously doesn’t know - but I know. And then when I dare mention his lack of regards for daughter it’s not just the not seeing child but it’s the lack of regard he gets really defensive and says he does care etc but his actions show not even suggesting post divorce just go into social housing etc just no care whatsoever but then he says he does care it’s so confusion :( nothing in actions to suggest he does ... there is just no showing it at all. What would make a parent say all that stuff about being around and almost like pretending to care then literally within days make such a big decision that they now don’t want to be involved as in zero contact .
Anyone else going through this? X

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Lilly239 · 01/06/2021 19:49

@Weirdfan exactly :( I asked what about all the stuff he said and he said he just said that so ie he didn’t mean it ? Maybe yes it does feel like a power / punishment kind of thing because regardless why would you want to see your child no matter the circumstance?

Yes I can’t force and although extremely hurtful I can’t force someone to care I think it’s the potential pretence that has hurt the most

All I want is dc to be ok and loved x

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Lilly239 · 01/06/2021 19:55

@mostlydrinkstea I’ll check it out. I think for me it was the being all amicable then nothing happened then suddenly the detest came in and felt like it was just pretence everything he said prior and even after separation it was a 180 on what he portrayed about being there for child to just a complete cut off and nastiness , maybe it’s that that I’m actually finding difficult was the complete sudden disregard x

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Weirdfan · 01/06/2021 20:31

I can't think of any reason he would cut his child off like that other than to punish you tbh OP, I mean who does that?!! And I wonder how on earth he's managed to convince his family to do the same? To a child they've supposedly loved all this time, it's just mind blowing Sad

I think it's more likely he's dressed it up in his mind as 'for the best' somehow though rather than being honest with himself that it's all about punishing you. I also doubt that he genuinely doesn't care, not sure what he thinks he's going to achieve by pretending he doesn't unless he somehow thinks it will make you beg him to come back though Confused

I can understand completely why you're trying to work out what's going on with him but I also think you're wasting your time, you will never understand such dysfunctional thinking because your responses are normal and healthy. Supporting your DC through whatever mind-fuckery he's throwing at you both is going to take everything you've got for a while I suspect so not giving him too much headspace is probably good advice, I know it's hard though Flowers

Lilly239 · 01/06/2021 20:58

@Weirdfan yes you’re right I think it may have something to do with I’ve been really ill last 18 months physically and mentally and can’t believe this is being thrown in my face too maybe that’s why I’m concentrating on it (I shouldn’t do) but I was so vulnerable I had severe precancer and required several operations etc it made me quite ill and ontop of that I’m going through this with dc, I’m just trying to hold everything together x

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Lilly239 · 01/06/2021 22:19

He is also bringing up stuff from example 3 years ago when I told him to take the dog when we was going through a rough patch to go stay at his dads it’s like he’s bringing up everything from past ie during an argument I said I hated him etc not nice things but brought up in argument that happened 3-5years ago - never come across this either 😓 ie what you said 3 years ago now I have an issue with - he says he can’t interact with me but I’ve done nothing but be amicable even when finding out things he lied over money etc and just general lies I just took it and remained composed i didn’t giving the pleasure of arguing , he says he can’t interact but when we talked about financial settlement for divorce etc he’s there offering me a lift home and to put the warmth on the heating seat 🤯 I was like errrr ok / I’m so confused and bemused at same time all the while he saying about child only being legal child and I could change surname of child if wanted too- never in all my years have I come across this ...

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Lilly239 · 01/06/2021 22:21

...I can’t afford counselling haha but this is like therapy getting it out / I don’t talk to anyone about how I’m feeling regarding everything x

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QioiioiioQ · 01/06/2021 22:29

He's a selfish feckless proto hominid caveman who can't see past his own wants and needs. Kick him to the curb he's a waste of space.

Viviennemary · 01/06/2021 22:31

He sounds very bitter. Have you any idea why.

Lilly239 · 01/06/2021 22:46

@Viviennemary because apparently things happened years ago like in arguments etc but only bring these things up now like petty things but it’s been really when I was so ill physically and that finished the marriage I believe but I don’t understand the pretence of caring about child to then discard so no I don’t get that at all - he says he can’t interact with me but can talk to me and meet up to talk about the financial arrangements so I have no clue he says one thing does another but he is very adamant he wants nothing to do with anything it’s like made a mole hill into a whopping big Mount Everest , first he was supportive then just turned off completely at that time a few months ago we was only on emails only you see the change one day he was supportive wanted to see child then one day he changed is mind (I think maybe just to leave and get away and pretending to care etc) 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Lilly239 · 01/06/2021 22:49

Well he did say also I had a perfect life and a husband who loved me and I basically blew it / 🤷🏻‍♀️
But I didn’t I had a husband that was lying about everything even wanting to see child have separation it’s just been total disregard even during financial settlement he told me and daughter to go live in social housing (not saying that is particular bad but we own our own home and he wanted out of everything clean break etc child gone etc) and I just thought how heartless

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Viviennemary · 02/06/2021 08:56

I agree its all about making things more difficult for you. That isnt uncommon when one person wants to split up and the other one doesn't. But he does sound extremely bitter.

Lilly239 · 02/06/2021 09:13

@Viviennemary he initially said he
didn’t want to continue the marriage so then I filed for divorce literally next day , there was no asking him to come back etc but then the weird behaviour started abit after were this not seeing child ever again started / I was and is totally perplexed how someone can completely flip emotionally to what they was saying originally

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Lilly239 · 02/06/2021 09:15

@Viviennemary
He wanted it -the split so why he bitter / nastiness this what I’m perplexed about if he wanted why be like that and then turn on child like that 🤷🏻‍♀️ I will deal with it I have been doing but to say it out loud is just awful 😞

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