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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My child's father has abandoned our unborn baby

34 replies

CorneliaaSt · 28/05/2021 15:31

I have a 5 year old already. His excuse? I won't allow 50/50 custody and he wants nothing to do with the baby unless I agree to that. I won't let my newborn out of my care for 4 days a week. I intend to breastfeed. He has option to come see the baby whenever he likes. He said no. I'm not even out of the first trimester.

I broke up with him for good reasons - he was always a victim, even through this he's made it about how he "can't be a weekend dad, so has to walk away but he's feeling so low" and he would "want to kill himself" if he had to hand our child back to me every weekend. So he's left before he gets too attached and "doesn't want to pay child support"

He once tried to cheat on me, though he denies it and called me unreasonable for calling him out. The gaslighting is incredible.

I wonder how many children he has abandoned this way. His new girlfriend must be so proud.

OP posts:
Aprilwasverywet · 28/05/2021 15:33

Imo take him at his word... Claim Cms he doesn't get to decide that. Get your head round being a single parent...
Your dc aren't missing out by not having him around...
Do not let him play mind games with you and your 5yo.

Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 28/05/2021 15:36

@Aprilwasverywet

Imo take him at his word... Claim Cms he doesn't get to decide that. Get your head round being a single parent... Your dc aren't missing out by not having him around... Do not let him play mind games with you and your 5yo.
I agree with you. I have actually cut contact after he mentioned suicide as I found it quite distressing and manipulative.

I intend to go to CMS but I imagine as he's self employed it will be a rough ride.

It's just very upsetting to see him abandon our child after all the lies and false promises.

OP posts:
Aprilwasverywet · 28/05/2021 15:39

Keep any messages you have. Incase you need to call his mh into question

.
Some men just aren't cut out to be df's.. My dd's df walked away when she was 2. His loss. And dd agrees she hasn't missed out. She is an adult now.

bookishtartlet · 29/05/2021 05:21

You have a similar situation to me a year ago. 5yo child, pregnant with second, insisted on 50,50.

First of all, get to a lawyer to fix contact with the eldest. Some provision for contact with the baby should be drawn up too. He will not be granted 5050 of the baby, you only need to offer short regular contact regardless of what he threatens you with.

Feel free to message me, I am still living through this and my daughter is 5 months now.

NewLifeInTheSouth · 29/05/2021 05:38

Why do you object to 50:50? Is it just while the baby is so young (understandable, it's not practical) or do you object to 50:50 with the 5 year old as well?

Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 29/05/2021 08:18

@NewLifeInTheSouth

Why do you object to 50:50? Is it just while the baby is so young (understandable, it's not practical) or do you object to 50:50 with the 5 year old as well?
He is not the father of my five year old. My five year olds dad gets unlimited contact when he asks because she is five. My only stipulation is my children remain in the same schools and don't get thrown between cities.

The baby's father lives an hour away now. I don't want my child having to go to two schools and everything like that it's disruptive.

He was offered unlimited visitation until the baby was a little older. He told me it wasn't worth it and he would sooner walk away.

I'm from the UK and 50/50 isn't often seen where the parents don't live close and aren't in agreement - my solicitor advised me it was likely he would get every other weekend and I advised him I wouldn't do that to him. He then told me he didn't want to pay child support.

His reasons aren't right in my opinion. It's an excuse nothing else

OP posts:
Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 29/05/2021 08:20

@bookishtartlet

You have a similar situation to me a year ago. 5yo child, pregnant with second, insisted on 50,50.

First of all, get to a lawyer to fix contact with the eldest. Some provision for contact with the baby should be drawn up too. He will not be granted 5050 of the baby, you only need to offer short regular contact regardless of what he threatens you with.

Feel free to message me, I am still living through this and my daughter is 5 months now.

Hello!

Thank you for this!

My 5 year old has a different dad who sees her and has ordered visitation. The baby's father has completely blocked me from everything so I don't think he will even try to know his child which is tragic to me.

I will inbox you thank you so much!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 29/05/2021 08:25

@NewLifeInTheSouth

Why do you object to 50:50? Is it just while the baby is so young (understandable, it's not practical) or do you object to 50:50 with the 5 year old as well?
The baby isn't even born yet so its quite impractical

Breast fed baby's need to be near there source of food you cant formula feed 3-4 days a week then breast feed the rest of the time its just not possible

Studies have shown for the first three years a child needs a primary carer and residence to feel stable and emotionally secure in later life

FakeColinCaterpillar · 29/05/2021 09:06

Is the 50/50 suggestion just so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance?

Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 29/05/2021 09:55

@FakeColinCaterpillar

Is the 50/50 suggestion just so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance?
He told me when we first started dating this is why he would request 50/50. He also told me he had hidden finances from his older daughters mum to avoid maintenance in the past as well as committing serious tax fraud. I have told him the same crap won't work on me and although he's self employed and will try it, I doubt the Relevant bodies would ignore 10+ years of serious tax fraud that he stupidly went in depth with me about. He's also committed benefit fraud during the past 5 years as he wouldn't be entitled to benefits if he had correctly declared his finances.

All he cares about is money. He also has serious mental health issues which I did not judge at all. But mentioning suicide because you can't have your own way is absolute horrific and toxic.

I feel stupid for ignoring the red flags honestly. Hindsight. But all I can do now is look forward.

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 29/05/2021 10:02

Oh bollocks. He's playing you. Report him to HMRC for tax fraud, go through CSA for child maintenance and tell them about his hiding money, keep all messages and if he wants to see the baby tell him to take you to court.

BluePeterVag · 29/05/2021 10:03

It is impossible in England to be on roll at two schools at the same time, unless this is part of a managed move to avoid exclusion. I assume the same for the UK, as it is very damaging to a child’s education to be between two places at once.
I know of plenty of coparents who live an hour away who have to just get on with setting off for school close to the resident parent.

user1493494961 · 29/05/2021 10:05

I don't know why you were with him in the first place.

vivainsomnia · 29/05/2021 10:05

sorry but was that baby planned? How long were you together before getting pregnant? It all sounds very dysfunctional.

Budapestdreams · 29/05/2021 10:07

He sounds awful, and re:schools. I don't think a child can be registered at two schools so if he wanted 50:50 when the child is older he would have to move closer to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2021 10:09

Admitting he completely screwed over his ex and child is more than a red flag. Why on Earth would you see him again never mind have a baby with him?

I’m surprised you’re surprised by his behaviour. You knew exactly what sort of arsehole he was.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 29/05/2021 10:12

Eek, are you sure it's a good idea to have this man's baby? Sounds like life is going to be very difficult.

Scissor · 29/05/2021 10:22

@BluePeterVag

It is impossible in England to be on roll at two schools at the same time, unless this is part of a managed move to avoid exclusion. I assume the same for the UK, as it is very damaging to a child’s education to be between two places at once. I know of plenty of coparents who live an hour away who have to just get on with setting off for school close to the resident parent.
Huh??? England is in the UK. Can't be enrolled at 2 schools. Just report to HMRC and your local council for benefit fraud PDQ. Doesn't sound like he's any intention of being a responsible parent or citizen so he should also have the consequences. CMS will chase if you keep going, it isn't simple but can be done.
FakeColinCaterpillar · 29/05/2021 10:31

I’d make sure i was only communicating with him now via text or email so there is a written record of everything he says.
He thinks he can play the system and not pay a penny obviously.

Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 29/05/2021 10:32

@user1493494961

I don't know why you were with him in the first place.
We had no issues until I got pregnant. Our relationship was very good and I regret ignoring red flags. But he was not a bad boyfriend at all.

It's easy to assume I suppose based off the bad things I'm saying now but honestly we never had a single argument and he never treated me so badly prior to our breakup.

OP posts:
Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 29/05/2021 10:33

@vivainsomnia

sorry but was that baby planned? How long were you together before getting pregnant? It all sounds very dysfunctional.
I got pregnant on birth control so no, not planned. It wasn't dysfunctional until I refused to abort the baby and he flipped a switch.
OP posts:
Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 29/05/2021 10:33

@BluePeterVag

It is impossible in England to be on roll at two schools at the same time, unless this is part of a managed move to avoid exclusion. I assume the same for the UK, as it is very damaging to a child’s education to be between two places at once. I know of plenty of coparents who live an hour away who have to just get on with setting off for school close to the resident parent.
thank you for this information I was not aware of it.
OP posts:
Original poster
CorneliaaSt · 29/05/2021 10:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

Admitting he completely screwed over his ex and child is more than a red flag. Why on Earth would you see him again never mind have a baby with him?

I’m surprised you’re surprised by his behaviour. You knew exactly what sort of arsehole he was.

He didn't tell me that straight away obviously and by that point I was pregnant but didn't know. So I was screwed anyway.

But will never make this mistake again.

OP posts:
NotYourAverageDaisy · 29/05/2021 10:39

Are you sure you want to continue a pregnancy and tie yourself to this man even further? Another play thing for him to manipulate you with?

You didn't ask. But I would be getting rid. And focusing on my 5yo and trying to minimise any damage he can try to do

Theunamedcat · 29/05/2021 11:17

Do you need his financial contribution? Would you be better off leaving him out of it and just carrying on by yourself?

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