We met at 25 and 29, we were housemates, with lots of friends, parties, getting drunk etc etc...looking back, I realized he was a little bit on the spectrum, was messy and had a bit of a problem with drink, but I was in love, and I didn't want to be alone..at 25! I wish I'd realised I could be alone and happy...he asked me to marry him after we moved in together properly for my job move and I instantly felt guilty as I didn't really want to, but by then we'd been together 5 years and had bought a house..i felt trapped....babies came along, he was the same hard drinker, didn't really know how to manage them or show affection, or clean up after himself...I fell into it really, guilt. Saying that, we had some great years, traveling, doing DIY, building our careers, two fantastic children...but in the end, things weren't right, I didn't have any respect for him as a husband, I felt exhausted and unsupported with the children and domestic life,plus working full time. He was like 3rd child sometimes and would always give these one word answers, almost gaslighting me into asking for more details, to the simplest request...I started to notice myself looking around, flirting with colleagues, the attention and the feeling of being listened to was lovely..we split last year, april.he was devastated, cried for weeks, drinking heavily, refusing to engage, I realised that when he said he didn't want to try anymore, that my feeling of complete relief meant I'd reached the end of the road...we get along, very flexible about him having the kids, I'm still in the house and we are trying to find a way for me to stay here long term. I realised that when I felt sadder at the thought of leaving the house than I did about not living with him, it really was over...
To friends we've just said we drifted apart, but if I'm honest I definitely had doubts 20 years ago, I just pushed them away, got excited about buying a house, living with someone, having babies 🤷
He's met someone new, so have I (one of the aforementioned colleagues 😬😊) and we are both much happier...we've done the year now, Christmas, birthdays, all have been fine, almost like old times, but I'm still so glad we aren't together. I didnt like the person I became around him, I was a nag, I was turning into my mother and his...I still love him but there's no attraction there, no romantic feelings, I think eventually I'll like him properly again now I don't have to deal with his shit everywhere or being basically a lone parent with three children.
We had counseling, I remember the counsellor, when I said me fancying other men, me being sad and unhappy, wasn't enough of a reason to leave and shake up all our lives...she said, it's enough that you want to leave. That's enough of a reason. Turns out he was unhappy for years too, I'll never know what came first, if my unhappiness caused his, but that's where we were.
Life is difficult now, I worry about money, I have to be careful, I still do everything, but I get a break 2 nights a week, I get to completely do what I want, he's had to step up and take more of an interest in the kids. They barely blinked when I told them, they sometimes struggle at his, but he just takes them shopping and they're happy... Maybe with counseling for a year, with real work, maybe a trial separation, we could have made it work, but I do think the problem was I just didn't want to, and that's enough of a reason too!
I've had a few difficult reactions from some friends, mainly the males of the couple's, who seem worried I'll encourage their wives to skip off into the sunset 😂 and some female friends who rely so heavily on their husbands, I think they just can't see how I'm managing at all. But it's easier, without a dead weight dragging me down and without feeling resentful all the time!