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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He wants every weekend and no weekday nights

38 replies

Earlgrey19 · 09/04/2021 23:39

Wonder what people think to this suggestion? DH taking a temporary 1 bed flat for 4 months. It has double bed and he’s going to get a mattress on floor when DC, age 6, 3 stay. I’m staying in family home for now. He is choosing this temporary accommodation option because it belongs to his employer and he can move in straight away, pay low rent, and he feels it gives him time to look at buying somewhere.

We agreed a 60/40 residency split in principle. I suggested DH have the kids 2 nights in the week and that we split the weekend, having them one day each or go for every other weekend. DH is rejecting this saying that because the family home is much closer to school I should have them Mon-Fri doing all school runs, and he should have them the whole weekend every weekend.
The flat is 1.7 miles from the school & nursery, about a 30 min walk or 20 min (max) cycle at 6 year old’s pace (3 yr old would go on Dad’s bike in seat). There is also a bus - whole journey door to door probably 20 mins. He is making a big fuss saying he’d have to allow an hour to get there and I should be doing it every day if staying in family home for now.

I feel really unsure about this request re weekdays and weekends, though it’s temporary. Still, 4 months is not nothing. Thoughts?

OP posts:
MumblingMom · 09/04/2021 23:44

Is this a trial separation? I’m confused. If not, surely you’ll want some weekend time with the kids, not just the monotony of weekday stuff. And thinking longer term, he may well change his tune about every weekend if he ever meets someone else in the future.

BrilloSolar · 09/04/2021 23:44

Absolutely no way - so you get all the hard work in the week and no leisure time with your kids at all. Not even getting to the part about you doing every school day, have you asked him how he thinks it could possibly be reasonable that you get no weekends with your children?

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 09/04/2021 23:45

To add: Perhaps more to the point is whether the flat is big enough for the kids. I really don’t like the prospect of no weekend time with them for 4 months though. Not sure what to say to DH (who is very forceful).

OP posts:
mamas12 · 09/04/2021 23:45

No
You get no fun time with your dcs
You need to share the weekends

Sittinonthesand · 09/04/2021 23:46

It sounds like a very bad plan, as Brillo says.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2021 23:46

The answer is no

Littlegoth · 09/04/2021 23:47

You tell him no. And then grey rock. Good luck x

bookishtartlet · 09/04/2021 23:48

I wouldn't agree to this. We do every other weekend plus nights in the week, its not perfect but its the best of a bad situation. You'll get zero down time with them this way and he gets all the fun bits.

timeisnotaline · 09/04/2021 23:49

A really bad idea to establish a pattern you don’t want to keep.
I like my children and will have them every other weekend. Many children live further from school than your flat, and if I can’t afford to keep the house (if that’s relevant) then probably so will we. If you don’t want to be an active parent who takes the children to school then just say so, but your living arrangements are not a problem for doing so. I will not hand over my fun weekend time with the children to make up for your choice not to parent.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/04/2021 23:49

Nope! Split the week and the weekends. There are lots of possibilities and he needs to take his fair share of responsibility

audweb · 09/04/2021 23:50

No. It’s not fair for you to have to do all the grunt work and never get any down time with the kids. And by not fair, I mean not fair for the kids.

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2021 23:56

No, not a good arrangement for you or the children. And if you agree to it as a temporary thing, it will be harder to change later if he decides to take it to court.

Every other weekend for each of you. Nights in the week, open to discussion.

The sleeping arrangements sound OK for those ages on a temporary basis, though obviously not suitable as they get older.

Don’t fuss about the flat. You’re getting to stay in the family home (at least for now), whereas he’s got to slum it in a one bed flat. This is a win for you.

Do dig your heels in about the weekends. Your children will want to spend some weekend time with you.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 09/04/2021 23:59

Timeisnotaline I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said, but if I says that to DH there would be extreme acrimony from him in return escalating very rapidly. He would accuse me of terrible aggression, even though it’s just the truth. He is very difficult to deal with. I guess mediation, maybe. Are mediators helpful when someone is being unreasonable and forceful?

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 10/04/2021 00:02

From your POV it's not a sensible arrangement, as you will do all the work of school runs, tired children at weekday nights, etc etc while he has the easy option of weekends with no time pressures.

So you end up as the harassed, tired out Mum who never has time for fun with the children, while he is the carefree Dad who they see for wonderful laughter filled weekends.

The temporary arrangements are much more likely to turn out to be long term arrangements, and you will have set a precedent for them that puts you at a disadvantage.

Refuse to agree to his demands.

HotPenguin · 10/04/2021 00:04

My advice would be don't get drawn into arguments about the practicalities of getting the children to school, just say - no that isn't acceptable to me, I suggest you have them EOW plus two week nights.

RandomMess · 10/04/2021 00:05

No way do you agree to something on his promise that it's "temporary".

Offer EOW and mid week overnights if he wants them but you are having EOW to spend quality leisure time with your DC.

Soontobe60 · 10/04/2021 00:06

60/40 is difficult to split unless you vary the days every week. Children need as much stability as possible, which doesn’t mean they have to be with the same parent!
I would look at you having them Sunday morning to Thursday lunchtime, and he has them Thursday lunch time til Sunday morning. Make it clear that you are each responsible for the children if they are ill on your days. (I’m assuming you both work similar hours?) make sure you take into account the half term holiday too.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 10/04/2021 00:14

Thanks all, sounds like a resounding no! That’s helpful. STBX always makes me doubt myself and feel I am being unreasonable.

Soontobe60 That’s a good suggestion, though I don’t work Fri afternoons, so makes sense for me to do pick up at 3pm and then not have to go to after school club. But I’ll have a think about the pattern. I work less: usually 4 days (temporarily 4.5). STBX is full time, though very flexible hours.

OP posts:
Clymene · 10/04/2021 00:17

@Soontobe60 - that means the OP has 4 out of 5 school mornings.

I'd say EOW fri-sun and one mid week night

Cantreasonwithunreasonable · 10/04/2021 00:18

Soontobe60 pattern is a good start.
You don't work Fri afternoon- so this is your time to do something for you, whilst their dad takes care.

You're going to need it. Also, he'll probably drop some hours soon (whatever he says) and will be EOW.

Say what you want now. Mediators are your friend, particularly with difficult men.
Good luck.

Soontobe60 · 10/04/2021 00:24

@Earlgrey19

Thanks all, sounds like a resounding no! That’s helpful. STBX always makes me doubt myself and feel I am being unreasonable.

Soontobe60 That’s a good suggestion, though I don’t work Fri afternoons, so makes sense for me to do pick up at 3pm and then not have to go to after school club. But I’ll have a think about the pattern. I work less: usually 4 days (temporarily 4.5). STBX is full time, though very flexible hours.

Friday afternoons to yourself sounds like a great idea! Or could you change your afternoon off to a different day?
idontlikealdi · 10/04/2021 00:24

No chance.

Dddccc · 10/04/2021 00:41

Sorry but I think on the temp base till he has a home weekends would work and not weekdays, unless you move and he stays in the home and then you do weekends either way you can trial and see what works between you I don't think its fair on the kids to travel that far to school at a young age on top of a full day at school if they don't have too

SpiderinaWingMirror · 10/04/2021 00:44

Do you think that he would actually stick to that? I mean having 2 (I'm sure gorgeous) little s on your own in a one bed flat, sleeping on the floor every weekend sounds like it wouldn't last for more than 2 consecutive weekends tbh

ChangingStates · 10/04/2021 00:48

Also have a forceful ex who is very difficult when not getting his own way. Would love to say I never bend to his will for the sake of peace but I'd be lying. However, in this, you need to stand your ground. It's not even about what you want- it's crap for the kids to have no fun/down time with you at the weekends too. We went to mediation and although not always easy it was the best thing for us! If you live anywhere near NE london let me know and I will happily recommend the one we used. Very balanced and fair.