He wants every weekend and no weekday nights

[Earlgrey19]

Wonder what people think to this suggestion? DH taking a temporary 1 bed flat for 4 months. It has double bed and he’s going to get a mattress on floor when DC, age 6, 3 stay. I’m staying in family home for now. He is choosing this temporary accommodation option because it belongs to his employer and he can move in straight away, pay low rent, and he feels it gives him time to look at buying somewhere.

We agreed a 60/40 residency split in principle. I suggested DH have the kids 2 nights in the week and that we split the weekend, having them one day each or go for every other weekend. DH is rejecting this saying that because the family home is much closer to school I should have them Mon-Fri doing all school runs, and he should have them the whole weekend every weekend.
The flat is 1.7 miles from the school & nursery, about a 30 min walk or 20 min (max) cycle at 6 year old’s pace (3 yr old would go on Dad’s bike in seat). There is also a bus - whole journey door to door probably 20 mins. He is making a big fuss saying he’d have to allow an hour to get there and I should be doing it every day if staying in family home for now.

I feel really unsure about this request re weekdays and weekends, though it’s temporary. Still, 4 months is not nothing. Thoughts?

Agree EOW and weeknights is fairer for all concerned. Not only is he lumping you with the grunt work he is also ensuring you are responsible for all childcare costs and sick/inset days.
How are the kids going to feel about spending EVERY weekend away from their family home?
Your ex may be difficult but your strength now will pay you dividends down the line.
If you roll over for an easy life you will not get an easy life, you will get a life of being trampled all over.
Start from a position that you are on your own with no practical or financial input from him and work forward from there. So refuse every weekend and state EOW. If he refuses days in the week at least you have EOW.
Use the Mumsnet "that doesn't work for me".
As pp said- go grey rock, don't engage.

If you permit him to four months of every weekend and no week day commitment, you could find that if he went to court, they'd view this as the precedent that has been set and disagree with amending the schedule.

I think that regardless of his living choices, that you need to have equal opportunity to have quality weekend contact with the children.

He's being blatantly unreasonable and imo lazy re his new flat being 1.7 miles from the school. Many walk that distance 4 times a day for drop offs and collections. It sounds more like he doesn't want any of the donkey work but all of the easier weekend times.

Likewise, though I understand why you want to help out Fridays, I believe again if you set this precedent, it can be used against you and will severely hamper your life and work choices moving forward, as well as probably costing you financially. So either he has Friday nights accepting he needs to arrange and pay for childcare from school on his week's OR he collects Saturday morning.

I presume that you're aware that child maintenance is reduced based on the number of overnight stays per week. Atm he gets to reduce this, have none of the hard work associated with parenting, be Fun Weekend Dad without the homework, reading, uniforms etc and pay less!!!

Would the mattress be for him or the children? I wouldn’t like my 3 and 6 year old to share a mattress on the floor, and there is no way they would share all the time (3 yr old snores like a train and moves constantly). They need beds.

Do not go to mediation with an abusive partner.

Put in writing what is reasonable and fair. If he doesn’t accept it. He doesn’t accept it. But don’t budge on the every OTHER weekend.

What if the new flat/ house is also further away from the school? He could use to agreement to make it permanent

If your stbx is very forceful and not open to discussing ideas that aren't exactly what he wants, then mediation won't work.

I agree with PP that you should put your reply in writing, and say you won't agree to multiple temporary arrangements. Chopping and changing is much worse for the DC.

Think about what's best for them, not what's convenient for him. Then stick to expressing your view in terms of how it meets the needs of the children.

He chose to live there without considering his DC needs. It's rented he can move.

The fact that his living arrangements aren't adequate for children staying, isn't your problem. It's his responsibility to get accommodation that is suitable to enable him to fulfil his parental responsibilities.

As for keeping everything amicable, you can forget that, he isn't your friend any longer. He's clearly put a lot of thought into how he can make his own life as easy as possible, regardless of how it will affect you. Don't be afraid to stand up against his bullying tactics, how you behave now will set the pattern for your relationship for years to come.

I would focus on the children and say - It is in the best interests not the children to have weekend time with each parent.
Keep the focus on the children, not on you and him.

Decide if you want EOW or split weekends.
Ask for the one you don't want then be all reasonable and agree to compromise on the one you do want.

Thanks everyone, yes I started doing grey rock with him last night. It’s the only way, I think. He throws so many accusations and criticisms, if I actually listen to it and react then he accuses me of unreasonable anger and aggression (I’m not even shouting, I’m just standing up for myself). So better to zone out.

I will come up with a new proposal, that definitely includes either EOW or split weekends. If he won’t budge on school runs from his flat I might suggest he cycles here a couple of times (7 min cycle for an adult) and take them from here. For this temporary arrangement. Obvs eventually I’d want more separation than that. We’re not separating finances yet. I think we’ll do that when we are getting us both a permanent home.

Agree with everything everyone else has said.

Also his flat sounds unchild friendly and temporary, mattress on the floor etc, not the sort of place your DCs would want to spend time in necessarily.

And I understand about picking your battles etc, but bending all the time to someone else's overdominant will is not good for you or your DCs in the long run. Try to establish patterns that you want now, early on. Let him scream and shout and rant and rave but stand politely firm.

Definitely don’t agree to every weekend. Firstly you need downtime with the children and secondly it won’t last.

Offer him EOW or EOW and 1/2 nights a week. His choice. He doesn’t get to choose all the fun time and none of the grunt work.

Plus if the flat is cheap I’d bet you he ends up staying there longer than planned.

Remember that any contact arrangements made now, can be taken as a "working arrangement" further on if it gies ti court.
He can have them mid week after school & for dinner then return them to you .( if he cant get them to school) Then EOW.
There will be family/ friends gatherings, birthday parties, shopping for new shoes... you must have them EOW