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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Custody agreement with American husband

44 replies

Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:07

Hi everyone, first post here.
I’m waiting to divorce my husband, we have two young kids. He is American and has indicated he will want them every other Christmas and Easter and will take them back to the USA to visit family. Obviously that means me not seeing my kids for the entire Christmas period (they’ll go for two weeks) whereas when I have them for Christmas, we’ll be staying in the UK therefore he’ll expect to spend time with them. Has anyone experienced something similar? It feels really unfair that I should have to miss the whole of Christmas with them. Just them being taken thousands of miles away from me at all will be bad enough, my youngest is only one. I’d appreciate any advice :)

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Shouldbedoing · 04/04/2021 23:12

I think you need good legal advice about divorcing in UK from a US citizen. In the UK though it is unusual for babies to have overnight stays away from their mother without building up to it gradually.

moochingtothepub · 04/04/2021 23:15

My friend is in this situation (Canadian not American) he has them for 2 weeks at either Christmas or Easter (alternating) and 2 weeks in the summer plus the normal eow plus every Wednesday. It's hard at first but she can plan ahead and he's very flexible if she wants to take them away etc. It's a reasonable arrangement

somuchlaundrytowash · 04/04/2021 23:17

You can contact the us embassy to tell them you do not want American passports issued to our dc. Details are on the embassy website under FAQ.
You can do the same with the passport office in the UK.

SavoyCabbage · 04/04/2021 23:18

Well it's not ideal! You don't say how old they are but as they get older they are unlikely to want to go away for two weeks at a time. Is he going to have them at other times in the year?

If you've still got a good relationship then could you go as well. Stay somewhere for the two weeks I mean, not be at his house.

My dh isn't British and this has always been something I've thought of. There isn't a good solution.

SaucySarah · 04/04/2021 23:20

Custody arrangements shouldn't be about what suits the parents, they should be what is in the best interests of the children.
It doesn't sound to me that 2 weeks away from mum / main parent would be in the best interest of a 1 year old. But for an older child, a once-a-year trip to explore their dual heritage and to see grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins in the USA might be.
You don't say how acrimonious the divorce is but please - and this is directed at both you and your ex equally - consider the needs of your kids first and foremost.

Wishitsnows · 04/04/2021 23:27

This does not sound fair for a 1 year old. So if you were in the states when he had them at Xmas for 2 weeks would he facilitate contact or just expects you to when he is here. How well will the baby cope without you for that period of time it sounds too long for that age

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:37

@Shouldbedoing

I think you need good legal advice about divorcing in UK from a US citizen. In the UK though it is unusual for babies to have overnight stays away from their mother without building up to it gradually.
@Shouldbedoing is it really? I didn’t know that. I’m a bit clueless to be honest
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Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:39

@SaucySarah

Custody arrangements shouldn't be about what suits the parents, they should be what is in the best interests of the children. It doesn't sound to me that 2 weeks away from mum / main parent would be in the best interest of a 1 year old. But for an older child, a once-a-year trip to explore their dual heritage and to see grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins in the USA might be. You don't say how acrimonious the divorce is but please - and this is directed at both you and your ex equally - consider the needs of your kids first and foremost.
@SaucySarah he wants to keep it friendly but it’s definitely not going down that road. I have a feeling it could get quite nasty. I have no problem with them going over there with him at some point (although not right now as they’re too young, especially my one year old). It’s just the thought of the whole Christmas period. But I guess that might be the price of divorce sadly.
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Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:42

@SavoyCabbage he wants 50/50 custody. It’s in the very early stages to be honest, nothing has been properly discussed/agreed yet. I can’t imagine wanting to be there by myself while he’s having his family holiday, and wouldn’t be able to afford it either to be honest.

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SD1978 · 04/04/2021 23:43

I think your are being unreasonable I'm afraid- I understand you don't want to be without them fir every second Christmas, but the benefits to the kids and getting to spend that time with other family should be seen positively- and I can guarantee for the kids it will be. You need to stop thinking about you and how you don't like the idea, and look at it from their perspective- travel with dad and soiled by relatives they see rarely. I think that it sounds pretty reasonable Easter one year, Christmas the next for holidays, and alternate.

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:44

@moochingtothepub

My friend is in this situation (Canadian not American) he has them for 2 weeks at either Christmas or Easter (alternating) and 2 weeks in the summer plus the normal eow plus every Wednesday. It's hard at first but she can plan ahead and he's very flexible if she wants to take them away etc. It's a reasonable arrangement
@moochingtothepub it’s nice that they’ve managed to work it out. I think this is probably what will end up happening and I’ll just have to get used to it. It’s just heartbreaking to think of them so far away from me, especially at Christmas time.
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MooseBeTimeForSummer · 04/04/2021 23:46

You need expert legal advice. Particularly in respect of what happens if he takes them and decides not to bring them back.

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:46

@SD1978

I think your are being unreasonable I'm afraid- I understand you don't want to be without them fir every second Christmas, but the benefits to the kids and getting to spend that time with other family should be seen positively- and I can guarantee for the kids it will be. You need to stop thinking about you and how you don't like the idea, and look at it from their perspective- travel with dad and soiled by relatives they see rarely. I think that it sounds pretty reasonable Easter one year, Christmas the next for holidays, and alternate.
@SD1978 it’s not that I don’t want them to have time with their family. We have always travelled over there a couple of times a year, I feel like I’ve spent more time with my in laws than my own parents some times. But they are very young (4 and 1) and it’s a really long way away, and for a long time. 2 weeks is an age to little ones.
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Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:47

@MooseBeTimeForSummer you might be right. I’ve been trying to avoid it as I don’t know how I will cope financially with the divorce, and going down the legal route will eat up everything we have.

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Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:51

Although for the record I don’t believe he would ever take them and not return them

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sykadelic · 04/04/2021 23:52

Over the Christmas period is a little unreasonable, mostly because flights will be insanely expensive. It would make more sense for him to schedule a holiday at a less expensive time

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 04/04/2021 23:54

The two weeks at Christmas thing is tough, but I’ve done it since ds was 4/5, and that’s just with me in Scotland and my ex on the south coast. It’s not that uncommon for courts to agree to it when distance precludes shorter or more frequent trips. I just make the most of the Christmas I do have (we take turns). I wouldn’t be ok if he wanted in on ‘my’ Christmas though, and it not being reciprocal. Different I guess in your case if you’re both living locally and he’s just going back to the States for a holiday..

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:55

@sykadelic his parents are very wealthy and will pay for everything so that won’t be a problem for him

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Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 04/04/2021 23:57

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer yes exactly, if he’s just down the road during my Christmas, he’ll want to see them. Doesn’t feel fair, but I think I’m going to have to suck it up for the sake of the kids. it’s just awful.

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HoldontoOneMoreDay · 04/04/2021 23:57

50/50 doesn't usually mean DCs are with one parent for the whole Christmas period though. So for eg my friends have 50/50 which is one week on, one week off, but they divide Christmas in days - so one year one gets Christmas Eve/Christmas morning and the other gets Christmas afternoon/Boxing Day.

I can't think of any divorced parents of small children where there isn't a different arrangement over Christmas.

You need a good solicitor. You don't have to facilitate this as a 2-yearly thing. Sure, when they get older you can change things up, but imo you don't have to agree to this just because he wants it.

SD1978 · 04/04/2021 23:59

@Parmaviolet1719 - it's an age for the parent not there- the children adapt very quickly and are actually a lot more settled with these arrangements, often, than we are. And I say this as someone in a similar situation, who had a child doing overseas travel at a similar age. My biggest issue was that when FaceTime was organised- they weren't interested in talking to me because of age, but they always had an amazing time, didn't seem to miss me much, and I don't feel our relationship was at all threatened or different. Kids adapt better than we do to these things- they are more pragmatic as they still see both parents. As a divorced souse- we are the ones that lose the companionship, even if it hasn't been great companionship for a while.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 05/04/2021 00:00

@Parmaviolet1719 remember.. you as mum enjoying Christmas is important to your dc too! I knew that hand offs on Christmas Day would ruin the whole thing for me, so when I split with ds2’s dad we agreed that one of us takes Christmas and the other new year, and we trade of around the 27th (also worked better with Ds1 travelling). You don’t have to agree to everything he wants, or sets a precedent that you can’t travel / visit family / whatever on your Christmas.

Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 05/04/2021 00:01

@HoldontoOneMoreDay I agree it’s not standard for parents to have the whole period, but as he’ll be wanting to take them over there, it’ll have to be for a while as it’s not like he can fly over for a couple of days. And it return it only feels fair that I get the same on my Christmas. I really wanted to avoid the legal route as it’ll use up everything I have for setting up a life by myself

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Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 05/04/2021 00:03

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer thank you. Your arrangement sounds like the kind of thing I’d want in an ideal world. I think I need to stick up for myself a bit. He seems to think that he can automatically have 50/50 and holidays etc when he likes, but it’s not that simple.

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Original poster
Parmaviolet1719 · 05/04/2021 00:06

@SD1978 thanks. I do hope they adapt. I’ll admit I am being a bit selfish in not wanting them gone for so long at Christmas time. But I’m also worried for how they’ll cope. My youngest is glued to me and still breastfeeds

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