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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

THE talk is happening tonight.

26 replies

Courgettesontoast · 31/03/2021 18:07

After a 6 week trial separation, we are sitting down to discuss what the future looks like.
DH takes offence extremely easily, so I want to choose my words carefully in order to avoid "well you did this, you said that."
At the same time, I want to be honest. I've fumbled around for the correct word to describe how I am finding the persistent "trying" to be in a relationship together and I've fallen upon "traumatic."
That is how I can describe how I feel when my needs are persistently unmet, I'm unheard, or he's irritating me.
I've decided that there is no future for us unless there are huge huge changes which I would need to see prior to trying again. But I really don't want to fall out with him, there is just no point, we would merely be demonstrating why we need to separate in the first place.
How do I phrase it?
I want to use the word "traumatic" somewhere, but how? It's not the relationship I find traumatic, but the never ending disappointment of it I think.

OP posts:
birdthethird · 31/03/2021 18:10

I think the general approach is "I feel...." ,"when this happens it makes me feel "
All about the I and steer away from "you"

"This is a traumatic relationship "

Talk about the relationship as the thing not his actions

Easier said than done

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 01/04/2021 00:14

How did it go OP?

Cocogreen · 01/04/2021 00:16

Hope you’re ok.

Original poster
Courgettesontoast · 01/04/2021 12:38

Thank you for the advice.
I stuck to "I feel" statements as much as possible, as you suggested. He tried to focus in on particular recent fall outs with "you did, you said" etc, I tried to keep bringing it back to the bigger picture, but needed to counter-argue a few times.

One huge revelation and I don't know if it's safe to share this, but I've been using the relationships board on MN to vent about exDH for quite some time. DH randomly informed me last night, that he has been using MN himself and has stumbled upon several posts I've written about him.

I knew that he knew I used it in the past for parenting advice but this came as a big surprise. He has said "its clear you don't like me from the things you have written about me and I'm not willing to change myself as much as you clearly expect me to."

I was a bit stumped, still am.
But I responded that yes, huge changes would be needed and that no, it probably won't work if he's not willing. There's a chance he will stumble on this, but he says he looks only at the relationships forum... I'm not quite so sure. Thought I had a safe space to vent, but clearly not.

OP posts:
Babyiskickingmyribs · 01/04/2021 13:02

I think it might be a good thing he found the posts. He now knows what you need to change, and says he’s not willing to do it. So, that seems like the end of the discussion about trying to make the relationship work and now it’s time for a discussion on divorce ?

It does suck that you might have to name change + change details or potentially look at using another forum for advice going forward to avoid him reading it and recognizing himself.

MaLarkinn · 04/04/2021 10:00

I know mumsnet is open to all but could it be that he's kind of sabotaging your support or trying to stay one step ahead of you.

Before I left my ex husband he started a thread about me on mumsnet asking for opinions on where people thought I was going some evenings and nearly all of the posters suggested I might be a prostitute!

Original poster
Courgettesontoast · 05/04/2021 08:04

A prostitute?!
Wow.
He has voiced a lot of concern over the types of replies I've been getting and has even blamed mumsnet for our separation. He says that the replies have been "putting ideas" in my head. He's also upset that I've been "inviting negativity" about him. I've just been very lonely and reaching out for support but he doesn't see it that way at all.

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 05/04/2021 10:31

I think you need to leave. Is he monitoring anything else?

ThePlantsitter · 05/04/2021 10:36

I think that's the best thing that could have happened! Though it won't feel like that right now of course. He has heard everything you needed to say about him without you having to say it.

I'm very interested in how he can be so sure it is you posting given there are millions of people using this site (and thousands of twatty men being spoken about). Did you say something very identifying or has he actually been snooping?

Ariela · 05/04/2021 10:38

What are his good points and qualities? What did he used to do that you really liked about him that perhaps is lacking now? What's missing?

Likewise have you changed? What differences could you make?

I would have a think about that side of things and see if you can both work on common ground to improve things - lets face it you were once in lovey dovey land - so why not any more?

Original poster
Courgettesontoast · 05/04/2021 16:31

He has literally scoured pages and pages of threads for hours on end until he's found posts that match up to our situation. I often change minor details (DCs ages slightly and genders) so not to out myself. But he says I have a style of writing that he can spot a mile off.

It has freaked me out a bit. The posts he says are mine are definitely mine too. Unless he's tracking my phone or something?

OP posts:
LooseThreads · 05/04/2021 16:45

It's far more likely he's got into your account.

That's not a nice thing to do. It's like listening at the door when you have a friend over.

ThePlantsitter · 05/04/2021 17:05

Scouring all those threads looking for your posts indicates he's gone nuts frankly. It's also very unlikely. Much more likely you've accidentally left yourself signed in or he's found out your usernames.

Either option is really invasive. What's he trying to get out of it? Are you supposed to be really remorseful about everything you said on Mumsnet and fall into his arms begging for forgiveness? Is it a stick to beat you with? If I were you this behaviour would be the deciding factor to end things tbh unless there's some other better reason not to.

DinosaurDiana · 05/04/2021 17:08

I really don’t think people can change.
Why are you wasting any more of your life ?
Think about where YOU want to be in 5 years 💐

Original poster
Courgettesontoast · 06/04/2021 08:01

I think he possibly is on the spectrum as he becomes a bit obsessive about certain things; I'm guessing the Mumsnet thread monitoring is like that.
I don't know how he could have hacked into my account. I change my username for every other thread I write and he would never be able to guess my password. He doesn't know the code to get into my phone and I've never used MN on shared any devices.

I've needed MN terribly over the last couple of years. I've been so lonely so to think he's now barricading my support here is a little soul destroying. Also that, instead of reading the threads and being alerted that we clearly need to talk because I'm so unhappy, he's completely occupied with loopholes and faults in my arguments and can't see the bigger picture at all.

He mentioned MN again last night. I put a further thread on relationships around my disappointment that the marriage is ending to see whether he would mention it or this one. He has told me that he's seen the other one and listed his discrepancies with it. This one hasn't been mentioned. It was also a very non-accusatory post and very sad, but he showed no emotional response to the post at all, just complained at my continual betrayal by continuing to use MN.

OP posts:
Spandang · 06/04/2021 08:09

Lovely, in all honesty, why do you care?

At the end of the day, he knows now. And what you said is true. Yes people will have chipped in with negativity but it’s not like you’ve come on here to tell us all how great he is?

If he wants to waste his time hunting down posts on Mumsnet so he can win an argument and not so that he can fix his marriage well...
...when someone shows you who they are, listen.

He’s behaving like a fifteen year old whose only need is to be right and justified at feeling angry at you for his failings, rather than accepting responsibility and addressing them.

And you’ve done the right thing, you’ve set your boundaries and said: enough is enough.

If he doesn’t care enough to meet you half way, don’t waste another second thinking about it.

DinosaurDiana · 06/04/2021 08:19

This isn’t about him any more. He has had a good heads up to change/compromise/talk but he hasn’t taken it.
You don’t say if there’s children involved , but now it’s time for you. You decide what you want and how you will live your life.

ThePlantsitter · 06/04/2021 10:08

It just depends if you want to live with someone like that then doesn't it? Does he have plus points to make up for the fact he is not engaging emotionally with the stuff he's been rude enough to spy on? Whether your posts are accurate or not is really 100% irrelevant if he's not prepared to discuss how you are feeling, as indicated by the 'inaccurate' posts.

InkieNecro · 07/04/2021 12:51

Of course he will blame mumsnet, then it's not the fact that he refuses to work on your marriage that is to blame.

The fact that he is stalking your online activity is enough to show you that he will not change. Either decide to live with his behaviour or give him the boot. Either you'll find someone else who doesn't treat you like this or you'll still be happier than you are now.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 10/04/2021 22:37

If I were you, I'd close down this account and open a new one, change a few things up including the way you write (although I suspect he's got into your account somehow) You could pm a few posters to let them know it's you.
No, you shouldn't have to do this and it sounds like it's over anyway. But you need support.

rjacksmiss · 10/04/2021 22:45

That's my worst nightmare. That's so controlling!

Original poster
Courgettesontoast · 12/04/2021 21:27

He has come over to tell me that he wants to get back together provided that I never post on MN about him again. I've explained that I've needed the support here and would like to stop posting on MN about him if we can get to the bottom of our issues ourselves and realise that the deep issues are the problem not the MN posts. I am happy to address these issues together.

He says I have a skewed perception of reality and that I invite negative comments about him. That it's my perception of reality that needs to be worked on or it's over. He says by posting on MN I'm resisting working together as a team.

I've said that there is nothing wrong with my perception of reality and he's told me if this is is the case, it's definitely over and that's it, walked out.

OP posts:
rjacksmiss · 12/04/2021 21:34

Good for you! What a controlling prick. He's actually trying to make you think you're mad! X

Original poster
Courgettesontoast · 12/04/2021 22:38

I just feel gutted that I've let him in again physically and emotionally, only for him to walk out on me in tears again.

It's so hurtful.

OP posts:
Babyiskickingmyribs · 13/04/2021 08:22

It sounds like he would like a stepford wife! It’s completely ridiculous of him to tell you that your concept of reality is wrong and that you should just change your perception of reality or at least never talk about it so that he doesn’t look bad. Tell him to look up the definition of ´gaslighting’. Actually don’t bother, just divorce him for unreasonable behavior.

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