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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How is it financially possible to divorce?

36 replies

Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 08:01

I want a divorce. I’ve been wanting it for a while but haven’t progressed to applying for a divorce because it just feels so impossible.
We have children and I am only currently working a few hours a week. There is no possibility of me working more hours anytime soon due to children’s health needs.
My husband won’t move out of the family home. I can’t afford to move out. I can’t find a landlord willing to rent a home to me locally because I am not working full time. I have no chance of getting a council home.

I would literally have to divorce him whilst living in the same house and that feels like it will just be really unpleasant for the kids as I anticipate it will be a very hostile environment to live in.

I saw a solicitor for advice and she advised me that divorces where a financial settlement is needed are currently taking up to two years to be finalised due to backlog at the courts caused by covid.
How, just how am I meant to get out of this marriage?
I’m sick of living with somebody who has narcissist tendencies and turns all the blame on me for every situation.
I’m also sick of living with somebody who doesn’t seem to understand my right to bodily autonomy. I’m sick of arguments about lack of sex. I don’t want to have sex with somebody who thinks it’s acceptable to wake me up for sex. I don’t want to have sex with somebody who’s company I don’t enjoy. And most of all I don’t want to have sex with somebody who thinks it is his right to have sex.
Just how can I make this divorce happen?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 27/03/2021 09:16

Is there absolutely no way to work FT? How serious are the health issues?

If the health issues are serious, wouldn't you fall in a priority band for a council home?

Bagelsandbrie · 27/03/2021 09:19

Can you claim Dla / carers allowance for the children? Look into this if you don’t.

KingsRoad · 27/03/2021 09:19

I too would start looking at ways you can work full time as it seems to me that this is the best way for you to be in charge of your own situation.

I would also go and see a proper divorce solicitor.

Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 09:32

I cannot work full time at the moment. My youngest child has very complex needs and the childcare that would be able to meet those needs doesn’t exist. Social care won’t help because child care for children with complex needs is not their problem apparently.
The older child who has health conditions is less of an issue, I could work around him.
I have asked the council about housing and every 3 bed home has over 400 bids and we would be back if the queue because I already have a home. If I left our current family home then the council would deem me to have made myself intentionally homeless and therefore still not help me to be housed with my children despite their additional needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 09:33

Yes, I already get carers allowance and maximum DLA for one of the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 09:47

I did see a proper divorce solicitor but I think I need to find one who specialises in divorce where children with additional needs are involved because my understanding is that the additional needs should be a significant factor when the court makes a financial settlement and although the solicitor I saw touched on that issue she didn’t speak as though it would make much difference.

OP posts:
KingsRoad · 27/03/2021 10:21

Could you tell your dh that you are upping your hours so he will have to take on more childcare responsibilities? It doesn't seem fair that you have to do more than him and then he gets to work and therefore call the shots,

Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 11:15

Him decreasing his hours and me upping mine has been discussed but the problem I have is that my current job is term time only for a few hours a week. I would need to get a new job to up my hours and then doing that job wouldn’t be feasible once I am living on my own with the kids and I’m not sure if that would cause problems with any tenancy that I take on.
In any case, I want my new single life to be a self sufficient one and not one where I am relying on him to have the kids whilst I am working. Obviously he is their dad and that shouldn’t be a problem but as we know, these often get bitter in divorces and Scorned exes don’t want to do anything that is helpful for the resident parent.
And I also expect he would go back to work full time once I have left and argue that he has no choice because he has to pay his own bills and child maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 11:16

And quite frankly, he isn’t capable of looking after his own children properly. He doesn’t have a clue about meeting the medical needs and this is one of the reasons I want a divorce. Having him around is like having an extra child, albeit one that contributes heavily towards the bills.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 27/03/2021 12:32

I think you need to accept that you’ll have to remain in the sane house while divorcing, as ms y couples have to
You can still read ahead with divorce

ThatPoster · 27/03/2021 12:36

What the Pp says. But is it really impossible to get a full time job? If it will enable you to get a house, surely it's worth trying?

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 27/03/2021 12:37

It is really difficult and your lifestyle will reduce to reflect that one home has to become two. No one keeps the same standard of living. Following divorce I'm raising my disabled children in a little flat above some shops. It was worth it to be free.

Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 13:13

Yes thatposter it really isn’t possible for me to get a full time job. Regular child care has been unable to meet my child’s needs and that is the reason I am working so few hours. I did try to stay full time in work.

I went back to work I would have to pay for specialist nursing care whilst I work and that would cost more than I can earn and doesn’t qualify for the usual tax free childcare initiatives.

onering I am fully prepared for my lifestyle to change to reflect being a single parent and one house becoming two from a financial perspective. It’s just the waiting for that to happen and having to spend two years living in a house with the person I want to get away from and the pressure of divorcing him during that time that I am struggling with the most.
I know life will not be easy on my own. I expect it is really difficult for any single parent but moreso when a child has extra needs. But thank you for sharing your situation and giving me hope that happiness is possible.

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 27/03/2021 13:20

Have you told your husband you want a divorce? I've recently told my H I want us to separate. We are living together current but there is no sex as we are separating.

moochingtothepub · 27/03/2021 13:24

If you separate you are entitled to uc if you are on a low income, look up what roughly you would get. If you can save for a deposit for private rented that is your best option it seems. Remember you will be entitled to child maintenance unless he has the children 50/50

moochingtothepub · 27/03/2021 13:25

Ps I stayed living with exh (separate rooms) for 7 months, it's normal to have to

Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 13:56

mooching I have enough for the deposit and first months rent for a private rental. I started saving every penny I could manage a year ago to have a small ‘escape fund’. The problem is that rental properties are pretty scarce here and all the landlords are wanting only tenants who are in full time employment. They aren’t allowed to say that they don’t want people on universal credit but they ask on the forms if you are in full time employment and I have to tick ‘no’ so I don’t even get considered.
I kind of expected to have to stay living together whilst a divorce is sorted but because of covid, divorces where a financial settlement is needed there is currently an average 2 years from application to divorce settlement.
I just dread having to live in a hostile environment for 2 years and it just seems really unfair on the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 13:58

mmmmmdanone yes, I have told him
I want a divorce. I don’t think he believes me though.

OP posts:
courtrai · 27/03/2021 14:02

I did this- was hideous but I got through it. I moved into sitting room and house was put in market. I moved into rental a couple of weeks before sale completed.

You have to develop a very thick skin and keep your focus on the point when you'll be out of there

sophmum31 · 27/03/2021 16:27

I spoke to a solicitor yesterday who said if we applied to court for a finance order it may be done by Christmas but worst case April next year. Still awful but might be less than 2 years!

It's so hard and I hope you manage to find a way through x

Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 27/03/2021 17:38

Thanks everyone for the replies and advice.
That’s a lot better than 2 years sophmum31. That leaves me a bit more hopeful.
It’s really crap though that councils consider people intentionally homeless if they move out in these situations. It’s forcing a lot of kids to live in hostile situations.

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 27/03/2021 17:45

I would serve him divorce papers anyway - at least in an attempt to get the sexual harassment to end. Then take it one step at a time - what’s that saying about not eating an elephant whole? I think you’re going to have to go with that, because a perfect get-out situation probably isn’t going to present itself from the get go.

NCISGibbs · 27/03/2021 20:04

@Totallycluelessoverhere

Him decreasing his hours and me upping mine has been discussed but the problem I have is that my current job is term time only for a few hours a week. I would need to get a new job to up my hours and then doing that job wouldn’t be feasible once I am living on my own with the kids and I’m not sure if that would cause problems with any tenancy that I take on. In any case, I want my new single life to be a self sufficient one and not one where I am relying on him to have the kids whilst I am working. Obviously he is their dad and that shouldn’t be a problem but as we know, these often get bitter in divorces and Scorned exes don’t want to do anything that is helpful for the resident parent. And I also expect he would go back to work full time once I have left and argue that he has no choice because he has to pay his own bills and child maintenance.
Could you take on a nanny experienced with complex needs.
Original poster
Totallycluelessoverhere · 28/03/2021 09:34

Okay I still feel it’s a shot situation but I’m going to pull my big girl pants in and start taking steps towards living separately in the same house.
I’m rubbish at sticking up for myself and making tough decisions but I have to do it for the long term greater good.
Me and my children deserve better than this. I’m sick to death of carrying the mental load and I think that knowing there is light at the end of a very long tunnel will help get me through.

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 28/03/2021 09:52

It's really hard. My H and I are living in the same house currently but "living separately" seems an impossible task in our small house. I just want him to move out, but like yours I don't think he believes me. I'm going to have another talk with him today as we seem now to just be plodding along doing the same stuff as before (without the physical side).