Do you think menopause makes women leave their marriage?

[SpottyBlueTeacup]

Yes, I’m in this boat. I’ve actually filed for divorce. He has signed. The ball is in my court.

Ever since I started feeling ‘weird’ - what I now know as menopause - and my periods stopped, in 2017, bringing a whole host of symptoms I have felt very, very different about my marriage. I was 45 when this kicked off. I’m now 49. My mother (sadly RIP in 2015) also left my dad, and divorced, at 48. I was 8 years old so not old enough to remember anything. I have no other family to ask any questions.

I am worried I’m doing the wrong thing but then am I? Why do I feel so desperately unhappy and unfulfilled? I am
in a well paid job, mortgage free and my eldest child is planning on going to university next year (youngest is 13).

My marriage has been - to put it mildly - boring. I married a man older by ten years. I’m not attracted to him and realised I’d made a mistake very early on. Stupidly, I didn’t act on my feelings as I felt I owed him my life as his wife. I wanted to be a mum too. We haven’t had a sex life since my youngest was born. Not that I’m frigid! I’m not. I just don’t fancy him. He was an on/off kind of guy and never played/kissed even. I felt unfulfilled but didn’t quite know why. We lack connection. Hardly talk and live separate lives now. Nothing in common. Part of me feels that I was swept off of my feet as he used to take me out to places after I’d spent years bored living with my mum (who had very little money).

And, since my hot flushes started, I have slept on the spare box room (and used it as an excuse not to go back). However, although I don’t want to go back to the marital master bedroom I don’t want to live in a box room either! I was naive and shy when I married him and we met when I was doing my year out from university. Looking back, I was inexperienced and naive. I wish I’d waited as there is just no connection there.
I’m just worried the menopause is making my feelings heightened. I feel very different as a person and don’t seem to be snapping out of it. I can’t take HRT. I just feel extremely irritated around him and have been practically living in the car each weekend! I can’t stand being in the house!! He has been home a lot during the pandemic which has irritated me more.
He is quite lazy at home and can be a bit of a hoarder. It has made my life difficult over the years and, tbf, I haven’t enjoyed my marriage. I feel a bit like Cinderella!! I work in a managerial role in the NHS and feel like I’m a manager at home all the time too but have not been heard. He does things that drive me nuts! I have no connection with him.
What should I do? Pay the divorce fee and call it a day? I’m worried staying with him will make me worse and unhappy for the rest of my life.
I’m also worried about being alone. Hence, why I have hesitated.

Anyone else been in this boat? What did you do?

It sounds like you were unhappy before the menopause kicked in.

I can also say that being "alone" is a lot less lonely than being in a loveless marriage - but you will need to make an effort with friends/family which sometimes we get out of the habit of when living with someone else.

I am in the process of divorce, it has been horrific, but equally I have never been happier and I really feel like "myself" again.

Good luck.

My ex-husband decided that's why I divorced him 😂 Nothing to do with his alcoholism or emotional abuse, obviously!

I was still having regular periods and no menopause symptoms at all. Idiot.

Am going through menopause now and am delighted he's no longer in my life.

I can attest to feeling very different post menopause, it is almost like the scales fall from your eyes and you can see so clearly, all the things that you did right and all the mistakes you lived with.....maybe its because the hormones that made us tolerant and family focussed have changed for good....
In your case you were unhappy all the way through so should definitely divorce, living alone is less lonely than living with someone you don't like..

We stop producing the nurturing hormone. I went off the rails when I hit menopause and my DH didn't help. When I said things weren't working he just said he agreed. I think had we both tried more we would still be married. Looking back it was always about him.

Hi,

I read the other day that women in their late 40’s and into their 50’s are the highest group to instigate a divorce. There must be something in it but, yes, it’s like I am seeing things differently.
I coped with it before - probably as I’d go out with my mum or kept busy with my career or raising the kids - but I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I lay in bed lonely at night and think about how on earth I got to this stage! I have always been successful in my career, even though I looked after the kids the most and my mum (who was elderly when my kids were young). The hormones going crazy has affected my brain, my personality and it’s like I feel I should move on. I feel bad for him but he must accept we are nothing more than friends raising two kids!
I want to be alone a lot more these days. Sounds bad but it’s the way it is! I’d actually started taking myself away for the odd weekend, pre-lockdown, and I loved it! The freedom and doing what I wanted to do was amazing!
He is a nice man though - never done anything wrong like alcohol etc. but he is a bit on the boring side! Doesn’t say much. He never complimented me throughout our marriage (others do!) and there is something just - well - missing!

Anyone else want to add anything?

He hasn’t been supportive of my menopause journey either!! He hasn’t read up on it or anything and when I asked him to give me space and go out for a day he wouldn’t so I got worse!!

I can attest to feeling very different post menopause, it is almost like the scales fall from your eyes and you can see so clearly, all the things that you did right and all the mistakes you lived with.....maybe its because the hormones that made us tolerant and family focussed have changed for good....
Yes! I feel sometimes that my husband hasn't changed whereas I have changed and grown and matured. I don't know whether we will always be together but I feel that I am the only one who has always put family first and I feel that it is my turn to do what I want. I think this can be a catalyst for change.

Whilst I’m not at menopause age just yet I have seen this happen to a few colleagues. I don’t think it’s just your hormones that have changed, it’s been a difficult and unusual year but men also change as they age and all the bad qualities you described worsen in middle age.
You’re probably also left considering what your future will be when the children leave home. I wouldn’t blame your hormones if it’s lasted for a while and you’ve always had these worries, try to cherish the good memories but move on if that’s what you need to do.

As a woman who left her DH I would say go for counselling. If I could turn the clock back I wish I had tried harder.
For me it was like a switch and I just wanted out of my marriage..
It was always about me supporting him. He was never concerned about my welfare. I have three grown up children and my eldest is getting counselling for the way my ex DH has treated him.
My ex DH has a new woman he's been seeing for 1i months and they look blissfully happy. Up until today I was fine with it but for some reason I would like to smash his face in for giving up so easily on our marriage. Not wanting to discuss our marriage, no reaction to me wanting to leave.

It's alot to do with hormones. You are so busy caring and worrying about Yr children that you forget about you.

Slightly from the reverse, but I certainly feel a good deal less hostile to life the world and dh since embracing HRT.

You don't sound like you were happy before though.

If you can't bare to be in same house as you husband you should call it a day and divorce him. Life is too short to be miserable. You should probably have left him sooner. I'm not sure menopause has too much.to do with it if you have not had sex for 13 years.

I think it coincides with the kids growing up and often leaving and scales falling from your eyes; just not willing to put up with behaviour you tolerated in the past.

For me I think it's simply getting the older and not looking forward to the future. I was dreading the kids moving out and was so depressed thinking of my later years in this marriage. Maybe hormones play a part though. Basically in a way it makes no sense splitting up now; I've done the hard part of raising kids with a selfish and lazy man. Why did I put up with it all that time only to leave when things are easier and we have more time and money? But I think that's it- more time to think about everything. Less worn out by the daily grind.

What is the saying about men finding their slippers and women their wings..
I am your age, and feel the same, I think it’s not menopause necessarily but your children growing up, you are looking at your life and questioning if you want to spend your remaining years with your partner..the focus has changed.
I think you just have time to focus on yourself now and with the ability to financially support yourself comes the ability to choose to leave!

Yes, I think we reach a crossroads in life and look at life differently. I know I have always felt uncomfortable and unfulfilled - probably due to the age gap - but, for the last 4 years, I have definitely felt worse. Not a good place to be in!

Menopause may play a part but I also think that both parties change as we get older, and we grow apart

He is just like a friend! Well, that’s what it feels like to me.

I think it's a combination of factors. Women change - we become more independent, we weather change and adversity and so become less tolerant of putting up with shit. Hormones definitely play a part.

But so do men. Once you see your kids leaving home and doing their own thing, you realise that the man you married isn't that man any more. Grumpy old man syndrome is a thing, and realising you don't have to put up with that is liberating. You realise you've been doing it all - work, everything round the house, bringing up the children - and you realise you might as well do that alone, without the grump bringing you down.

I've been a widow for just under 3 years now, and we were divorcing when he died (due to his alcoholism and abusive behaviour) and I've never been happier. There's nothing wrong with not putting up with a shitty situation, and if the man in question ends up happier too, all the better.

I separated from my husband when I was 51, just under two years ago. The menopause may have played a part in my decision but, similar to others, I’d lost my nurturing tendencies and the thought of parenting a full grown adult man who was incapable of finding his own arse with both hands for the rest of my life was not a pleasant one. I’m much happier on my own.

OP it sounds, from what you've written, it sounds like your marriage wasn't great anyway and he maybe wasn't a good fit for you. I think as others have said, most of our focus is on our children in a way that it just isn't for most men. When they get to 18 we look at the rest of our lives... I think menopause makes many women less tolerant of a shitty situation, I think it can also make women more assertive.

If you're really not sure, I'd suggest some counselling to help you work this out. All the best.

Hi,
I have seen a counsellor a few times who thinks the marriage is well dead. She was horrified when I told how long it had been sexless for and said the only person who could change things was me.

Hell yes. The menopause made me realise what a selfish prick my ex husband was, the rose coloured specs fell off. Best thing that ever happened to me.

Did you all move on ok? I guess I am scared to be alone once the kids go as I have no family.

Yes. I found I was less lonely on my own, than in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage.