Do you think menopause makes women leave their marriage?

[SpottyBlueTeacup]

Yes, I’m in this boat. I’ve actually filed for divorce. He has signed. The ball is in my court.

Ever since I started feeling ‘weird’ - what I now know as menopause - and my periods stopped, in 2017, bringing a whole host of symptoms I have felt very, very different about my marriage. I was 45 when this kicked off. I’m now 49. My mother (sadly RIP in 2015) also left my dad, and divorced, at 48. I was 8 years old so not old enough to remember anything. I have no other family to ask any questions.

I am worried I’m doing the wrong thing but then am I? Why do I feel so desperately unhappy and unfulfilled? I am
in a well paid job, mortgage free and my eldest child is planning on going to university next year (youngest is 13).

My marriage has been - to put it mildly - boring. I married a man older by ten years. I’m not attracted to him and realised I’d made a mistake very early on. Stupidly, I didn’t act on my feelings as I felt I owed him my life as his wife. I wanted to be a mum too. We haven’t had a sex life since my youngest was born. Not that I’m frigid! I’m not. I just don’t fancy him. He was an on/off kind of guy and never played/kissed even. I felt unfulfilled but didn’t quite know why. We lack connection. Hardly talk and live separate lives now. Nothing in common. Part of me feels that I was swept off of my feet as he used to take me out to places after I’d spent years bored living with my mum (who had very little money).

And, since my hot flushes started, I have slept on the spare box room (and used it as an excuse not to go back). However, although I don’t want to go back to the marital master bedroom I don’t want to live in a box room either! I was naive and shy when I married him and we met when I was doing my year out from university. Looking back, I was inexperienced and naive. I wish I’d waited as there is just no connection there.
I’m just worried the menopause is making my feelings heightened. I feel very different as a person and don’t seem to be snapping out of it. I can’t take HRT. I just feel extremely irritated around him and have been practically living in the car each weekend! I can’t stand being in the house!! He has been home a lot during the pandemic which has irritated me more.
He is quite lazy at home and can be a bit of a hoarder. It has made my life difficult over the years and, tbf, I haven’t enjoyed my marriage. I feel a bit like Cinderella!! I work in a managerial role in the NHS and feel like I’m a manager at home all the time too but have not been heard. He does things that drive me nuts! I have no connection with him.
What should I do? Pay the divorce fee and call it a day? I’m worried staying with him will make me worse and unhappy for the rest of my life.
I’m also worried about being alone. Hence, why I have hesitated.

Anyone else been in this boat? What did you do?

My husband tried to blame the menopause on our marriage break down. Of course it was all my fault. Nothing to do with his very heavy drinking over the very long years.
I guess they have to find something to blame.

I was just thinking today...he has never, in the 25+ years I’ve been with him, told me that I was ever beautiful or attractive but yet other men tell me all the time! Just one of the reasons I’m unhappy in this marriage.

There's so much more to life than living like this, OP.

I think a quite a lot of women divorce around this age because their husbands have affairs. Not the menopause exactly but they might be linked.

It sounds to me like you’re rewriting history a little here.

You admit you married him because you wanted kids & had felt ill at ease with the partnership since early on.

You clearly don’t like him & haven’t for a long time.

Now you’re saying you don’t want to be married to him anymore, but you’re just worried about being lonely.

Honestly it sounds like you’re using menopause to make up a better sounding reason to leave than you have used your husband since the start & now he has served his purpose.

If you want time alone you should leave the house & go have a day on your own, not kick someone out of their own home for a whole day because you want alone time!

You’re still worried to leave him because you will be lonely, so keeping him around for companionship even though you don’t even like him.

You sound quite unpleasant & selfish IMO

Can you not try HRT gel? That's NICE approved as no risk.

I had 2-3 years of absolute hell with menopause and the only people that supported me were my husband and family. It was bad and I totally get how marriages don't last. It's more common than you think. My GP was useless and if it hadn't been for my husband and family, I don't think I'd be here. Women's health is not and will never be a priority in this country, but if MEN went through this sh**., it would be a different story.

I read this with interest OP but notice that your marriage wasn't in a great place before you hit menopause - I wonder if your plummeting oestrogen has simply caused your tolerance levels to fall away!

I'm 48 - I had peri-menopausal symptoms at 46 and started HRT gel at 47. It has helped with the hot flushes, and along with the progesterone in a new coil my low mood has improved - but only supplements have helped the brain fog and hair thinning.

My DH is lovely (with a few perfectly normal foibles like all of us). We've been together 23 years, sex life is normal, and I read tales on MN and from friends that make me realise how lucky I am. I could never imagine life without him - but menopause has made me so intensely irritable that I find myself wanting to scream and throw things on an almost daily basis. The mornings are the worst, I mutter threats to kill under my breath and the reason I believe it to be hormonal rather than "real" is that only a short time later, I feel terribly guilty/apologetic and invariably have a rush of affection for him.

It is an all pervading sensation though and I'm not surprised it triggers divorce if women are even slightly dissatisfied beforehand. I hope you can find happiness for yourself.

A reduction of hormones may well lead to a reduction of tolerance.

The choice you are reflecting on now is really about how you want to live the rest of your life. Big decision but also exciting that you get to make that decision.

I of course has heard of the impact of the menopause before it hut me but never did I believe it would affect every aspect of my life so deeply.

Sadly, I had to go from a life grabbing, energetic, always planning and on the go person to one just trying to make it to the end of the day.

This moving into a 'coping lifestyle' inevitably changed me quite a lot. I can't handle pressure like I used to, so any issues or conflict from my OH becomes yet another thing I struggle to cope with and makes my day even more tedious.

At the sane time, my OH has lost the fun, positive, inquisitive, strong-minded, energetic wife he married and that's hard for him too.

I think we'll be ok on the basis we are both hopeful I'll become my own self again when this is over. I trust my mum's experience which was exactly that.

It really is a tough time for many couples.

I think it is a lot to do with tolerance levels. I don’t seem able to cope with things nowadays whereas, before, I’d just shrug things off and carry on. It has definitely made me reassess my life and, like someone said, I was dissatisfied before but I am not too sure when peri-menopause started for me. I was 45 when me periods suddenly/abruptly stopped in the July. I had been through a hard time the previous 12 months, having lost my mother to cancer and having been treated badly at work when I applied for promotion (that I was very qualified for) - I pulled out and someone else resigned over it. That, I think, thrust me into a sudden menopause earlier than when it should’ve happened. I started feeling extremely strange by the October half term and felt very, very unlike myself for a good 6 months. Periods never returned. I did see a GP who dismissed it as menopause at the time, but now I know different (I’m 49 now). I felt extremely detached from reality, anxious (and I’ve never been an anxious person), unusually horny and then I started with hot flushes. Like a switch going off I’d just get really hot - not sweaty though. I had a really bad 6 months and ended up changing jobs all the time. I used to work nightshifts a few times a month and, as my sleep became horrendous, I could no longer cope with the disruption to my body clock. Maybe the nightshifts screwed me up too as I started them - and shifts (yes, I’m NHS) - just after my mum died. I still can’t sleep well. Had no choice but to change job role. I get hot at night at least 6 times and wake extremely thirsty! It really is shi@.
However, although I feel a bit better it has really made me see my marriage differently. I feel like a different person! It has made me realise I’ve lived in a stone cold marriage and my tolerance has deteriorated.
I’m taking some herbal menopause tablets now but haven’t really noticed a difference yet.
He has moved out. It really has changed me!!

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I can’t stand being in the house! I feel overwhelmed by it. Never know where to start!

I can sleep in -5c temperatures outside with my bedroom window wide open and the bed pushed up against the window. We were in separate rooms btw. I was on fire!

Are you having other menopause symptoms, other than dislike/intolerance of your husband OP?

I still have regular periods, no hot flushes, no brain fog, still run regularly - just loathe dp. So am guessing its not MP but a logical reaction to realising he has little interest in dd and is obsessed with his career.

As a consequence I have little interest in dp. We live separate lives under the same roof, other than the odd family day out.
It was a relief not to have go out for token birthday dinners during lockdown.

I recognise though that I don’t want to be a single parent to a 9 year old (I have a full on job and I’d like to maintain long term financial independence) so will have to muddle through for now.

I totally get why women split from their partners when their kids are 18. Totally.

I definitely think my tolerance levels have took a skydive. I took two days off this week and found being with the kids tough. The older one (17) just moans all the time and wants to be home on his Xbox but then doesn’t like it if I don’t take him with me. The younger one (girl, soon to be 13) is turning into a diva and is obsessed with Elon Musk and Tesla cars!!! Constantly wants me to buy one! It’s hard being around them all day these days. Yesterday, I made myself a flask of tea and went for a walk by a river. Not a soul in sight and all I could hear was nature! It was absolutely bliss!! Today I had to take my daughter into town for an appointment and there was a drum festive on just outside. I thought I was going to explode! I quickly left once the appointment was over. I just can’t seem to tolerate people as much these days and need time alone. Difficult to get when I work full time in an NHS senior role and have no family/grandparents.

However, my marriage was dysfunctional and I can see why the menopause has made me feel worse. I’m not selfish. Far from it. I have lived like this for years to protect others. It has been hard!
I’m not on HRT so I have good days and bad days. It has changed my life!

Other menopause symptoms I still have are feeling hot at night. Not sweats but it’s like the thermostat has gone crazy and I feel hot instantly and it lasts a few minutes. I then get extremely thirsty and have to drink a lot at night now. I have been checked for diabetes and it was normal. It definitely is the menopause as I seem that I get thirsty straight after a flush. My hair is definitely thinner. I used to have very thick hair and can certainly tell the difference. My biggest symptom is my mood and feeling detached at times. I was terrible when my periods first stopped (these symptoms kicked in after about 4 months). I’m more settled now but feel different to before.
I really want to move to a cottage in the countryside! And, live a happy life!

I may have missed why you can't take HRT? And as a previous poster said, have you looked into the newer, less risky forms, such as oestrogen gel?

I felt much more content when I started on it at the age of 55. Wish I'd started earlier.

I don't think it's the menopause per say. Although your tolerance levels definitely diminish. I have a 13 yr old who also goes on about Elon musk and tesla all the time, must be a thing amongst this age group at the moment. I find I'm the one rolling my eyes though, not the teen 😂

My marriage has been - to put it mildly - boring.

I think it's more this tbh. Kids keep couples busy and when they grow up there's often nothing left in common hence menopausal age being a common time to separate. Also lots of middle age men are^ boring, old before their time.

I really want to move to a cottage in the countryside! And, live a happy life!
Dream of this all the time too, just waiting on mine growing up and flying the nest and I'm off to the country!

I guess I am worried about the risks of HRT. My mum had very bad osteoporosis (although she had taken high dose steroids for asthma for years) and she died of cancer (smoked when young). I was hoping to get through it naturally.

I think having a 13 year old going on about Elon Musk and Tesla is enough to drive any woman crazy let alone a menopausal one!

It’s reassuring to read others are doing well on HRT. Maybe I should see my GP.

Modern HRT is safe. You are more likely to get beast cancer from being overweight or drinking more than a very moderate amount of alcohol than from being on it.

The overall benefit to your health and well-being from HRT could be huge.

Watch the Davina McCall Channel 4 programme on the menopause l that was recently shown. Probably still on catch-up.

Just sending you a big hug and a lot of empathy! Menopause is one hard bitch! It confronts us with every single particle of unfinished business plus the existential questions about ageing and what we are doing with our lives. I actually went through some grief around the loss of my periods, even though they weren’t what you’d call fun, they connected me to my sense of myself as a woman. It would be incredible if such a seismic experience did not have an impact on our closest relationships and highlight any problems with them. I felt an incredible urge to go off and be a hermit for a while - the need for somewhere to go and be alone to process what I needed to was extraordinary. I have reached a point of starting to pick up the pieces and decide where to next. You will be ok whatever you decide to do, but please get some intelligent support regarding symptoms, and don’t be fobbed off with antidepressants. Travel safely! It’s a life-changing trip. 🌺

I don't think it's menopause, per se. I found that as our DC got older (they're now young adults) their independence grew and I stopped being the person who enabled them all to survive including DH. I was really unwell, run down and tired and thought WTAF am I doing running round after this lot like headless chickens...... and just decided to stop. I now refuse to carry the mental load, and I equally refuse to enable DH to be a lazy shit. He's at work this morning so I've put the washing on and hung it out, but I've also taken the dogs for a long walk, had coffee sat outside and have just pottered about instead of spending the morning cleaning the house.

You have to be your own person to be happy inside