Can this be true?

[Agirlcalled]

I have had a call with my solicitor today. I just wanted to see if anyone else has some experience that might help
Me understand of what he said is true.
Fled domestic abuse with two children two years ago. Back in family home now. Father hasn't paid a penny to support children in that time. I pay for everything and will do after divorce. Assets 500k. Have been told that I have to pay 200k to him but can't ask for court to take into account school fees and it's a lifestyle choice (his before we left) I have been paying them up till now and dd is three years into school. So basically £50k will cover no maintenance from him for children from ages of 10 and 12 until they are 18. School fees are my problem so I have to find those too and support dd through uni that she wants to attend and ds has a disability that means he will need more support than a "normal" child. I work but am a fixed term contract that ends in August. Is it right a dad doesn't have to provide for his kids but get £200k from us?

I think you need to work on worst scenario for financial settlement.

Speak to the school TODAY tell them it's urgent. Explain the situation clarify dates, notice periods etc. You need to make an informed decision.

@Agirlcalled

And the reason for the schooling choice was his, the schools aren't great here and I suggested we move just to different bit of the city we are in but it was a flat no and they will go there.

You need to rethink all of this. You are bounded by the past and his control.

Children change schools all the time. It has no impact on this education or socialisation. You cannot afford school fees. It’s not a choice you can make.

And a pp is correct he’s not going to sign anything that reduces assets or creates debt. Asking him this is giving him a stupid level of control over you and your children.

Stability is not having this man controlling your life. Stability is being a situation you can afford now and in the long term without any dependence on him.

You have split from him and your financial situation is now very different. Forget about him and start planning your life as a single mother. Assume you have no influence or control over anything he does. Trying to exert it with an abuser gives them control over you.

You need to

1. Increase you income,

- apply CMS, child benefit and other benefits.

1. Reduce your outgoing,

• you cannot afford private school fees. If you don’t accept that you will be forever beholden to an abuser. And so will your children.
• move to an affordable home in an area with decent schools. You don’t need the best schools. Just a decent school. There really isn’t that much difference.

I think you are confusing stability with keeping things the same as before. But your life before was anything but stable.

"Because I am trying to be the better parent by keeping their lives a stable as possible after they were abused. I suppose you cat understand what having an abusive partner is like, trying to protect your children when they try their best to destroy everything because they want to punish you. I know one thing, I will be alone now for the rest of my life, I could never trust anyone again."

Sorry but no. You can lash out at me all you like and make assumptions about my life but getting into huge debt for school fees you can't afford isn't protecting them. It'll be more damaging.

You can move areas if you want to now. You need to put in a CMS claim and he can think what he likes about you having to pay him money. The truth is that you won't, end of story.

It won't help your kids if you force the schools thing. Better to move them in September this year

What assets are £500k?

If you have a one year savings buffer, earn £30k (fixed term), he refused to work for many years and had £90k savings and is now furloughed, you've been paying school fees from mortgage draw down from over payments - where and what is this £500k?

You cannot afford private school fees; you need to pull them out. Changing schools isn’t a big deal and kids are resilient if you teach them to be.

Leading them into financial ruin will do them far more harm than staying at this school.

@Tigerchips

"Because I am trying to be the better parent by keeping their lives a stable as possible after they were abused. I suppose you cat understand what having an abusive partner is like, trying to protect your children when they try their best to destroy everything because they want to punish you. I know one thing, I will be alone now for the rest of my life, I could never trust anyone again."

Sorry but no. You can lash out at me all you like and make assumptions about my life but getting into huge debt for school fees you can't afford isn't protecting them. It'll be more damaging.

You can move areas if you want to now. You need to put in a CMS claim and he can think what he likes about you having to pay him money. The truth is that you won't, end of story.

It won't help your kids if you force the schools thing. Better to move them in September this year

Wasn't lashing out honestly, just trying to explain what I am trying to do. Honestly I am doing my best, have always worked. Paid for childcare from my salary while he refused to work. They skew your perception of what is reasonable and it takes years to undo the damage. It starts so subtly you don't know it's happening until it's too late. I just keep thinking thank god I got out before the pandemic. He would never let me go anywhere, always followed me round the house so actually trying to get legal advice while with him was very very difficult. We are out and don't have to live with him any more. My children laugh how. Are allowed friends. Don't have to keep quiet, afraid of what he will say, do, what piece of furniture he will shove them into next. I now know watching porn while kids in house is not normal. All these things I am grateful for. I will get there.

Honestly your DD will understand that her Dad won't let you have the money so she can go to private school anymore.

It is so good that you got out. The private school was all just another way of trapping you into staying and having to earn money etc.

You are a strong amazing woman, your DC are loads happier. They will survive moving schools.

This divorce will not happen quickly and he absolutely will use the school fee money withdrawal to punish and control you. Take this away from him by doing a planned school move this summer. The urgency to speak to the school is that if you don't give notice by specified dates then you will still have to pay a terms notice in full probably without the bursary discount.

This is why I say talk to the school urgently as the end of this term is likely the deadline. They need to know that the financial abuse is ongoing etc. You need actual facts in writing from them.

Any state schools your DD can travel to put her name on the waiting list. If a place comes up that you think would be a decent fit for her you will likely have to accept the place and her start within a few days else someone else will get the place instead.

There is likely to be movement over the summer.

Keep going, you can do this

You are so right about it being another way to keep me trapped. Thank you RandomMess

@VanGoghsDog

What assets are £500k?

If you have a one year savings buffer, earn £30k (fixed term), he refused to work for many years and had £90k savings and is now furloughed, you've been paying school fees from mortgage draw down from over payments - where and what is this £500k?

My pensions house equity.

Have you included his pensions, savings etc? They all need to be included.

How much is a "cheap" 3 bed house where you live?

The courts will insist that the DC are housed adequately which may mean you get more but if you can't get a big enough mortgage with the amount of equity you get then you will be expected to move into rented.

As I say you need to be prepared for the worst case scenario. So if he has no savings and no pension to add to the pot where does 60% of that pot leave you and the DC financially?

@VanGoghsDog

Have you included his pensions, savings etc? They all need to be included.

He cashed his pensions in and spent them. I know! At least I'm out now.

@VanGoghsDog

Have you included his pensions, savings etc? They all need to be included.

No haven't included his savings as he won't disclose

You really do need the right solicitor on this. A good one will take control of the situation, understand his behaviours and push for a solution that reduces his opportunity to mess with your head and your finances.

As I said upthread, I spoke to 2 solicitors in relation to child contact arrangements with my abusive ex. They both left me feeling absolutely panicked. The third gave me reassurance and sound advice.

With no disrespect to the lawyers recommened by the refuge, they may be used to helping clients with very different needs. If they are free or low cost they may only be helping you with immediate advice relating to your physical safety.

You need a family solicitor with familiarity of dealing with assets and how they usually get split. If you can't pay their fees as you go, you may be able to come to an arrangement, such as paying them once you have your Decree Absolute or the family home is sold.

Follow the basic advice here to give notice to the school now (you can always change your mind between now and September), claim Child Benefit and apply to the CMS. Then engage a decent solicitor.

He can’t just not disclose his savings! He is required by law to fill in the financial disclosure form honestly. Please get a proactive solicitor onto this, he’s taking advantage of you. I know how desperately difficult this situation is, but this is important.

Go to a different solicitor.
Don’t tell that solicitor that you’ve already spoken to the first solicitor.

Thank you for all the advice. Old solicitor gone. New one in place. Things moving. Old one just wanted an easy life turns out. Kids main priority and I don't have to give him 1/2 and have all the responsibility of housing them etc while he swans off into the sunset!

Glad you now have a decent solicitor- I hope they are absolutely shit hot in fact!!

I hope you get the advice you need
Sometimes you’d question if your lawyer was actually working on your behalf or not.
Getting the right lawyer suited to your needs is key and sometimes you might have to go though more than one.
I’m not pleased with the junior that’s dealing with my case at the moment true that it’s the ending but I seem to be doing the chasing up.which wasn’t the case formally..This has been a horrendous divorce without them I’m not sure that I would be where I am.
The juniors cheaper that’s true but as I said to the senior lawyers this isn’t good enough.
Good law firm very good infact but differences in ways of working Between lawyers in the firm.
Wishing you well
Rethink school placements

@Palaver1

I hope you get the advice you need Sometimes you’d question if your lawyer was actually working on your behalf or not. Getting the right lawyer suited to your needs is key and sometimes you might have to go though more than one. I’m not pleased with the junior that’s dealing with my case at the moment true that it’s the ending but I seem to be doing the chasing up.which wasn’t the case formally..This has been a horrendous divorce without them I’m not sure that I would be where I am. The juniors cheaper that’s true but as I said to the senior lawyers this isn’t good enough. Good law firm very good infact but differences in ways of working Between lawyers in the firm. Wishing you well Rethink school placements

Thanks @Palaver1 . It seems like I have made the right move. Old solicitor hasn't sent my file to the new one in fact no communication at all, despite the fact he emailed the court the day I said I was moving to say he was no longer representing me. New solicitor has sent email threatening law society. She is so on the ball, emails me with info. Old one told you everything on phone nothing written down. You need them To do their job well. This is hard enough as it is. Hope you get there soon.

@Agirlcalled

You'll get there as well.Its not an easy ride .

It's not an easy ride but with the right legal team at your side helps !

Thank goodness you now have someone who is properly representing the interests of you and your children

@Agirlcalled how are things working out?