Can this be true?

[Agirlcalled]

I have had a call with my solicitor today. I just wanted to see if anyone else has some experience that might help
Me understand of what he said is true.
Fled domestic abuse with two children two years ago. Back in family home now. Father hasn't paid a penny to support children in that time. I pay for everything and will do after divorce. Assets 500k. Have been told that I have to pay 200k to him but can't ask for court to take into account school fees and it's a lifestyle choice (his before we left) I have been paying them up till now and dd is three years into school. So basically £50k will cover no maintenance from him for children from ages of 10 and 12 until they are 18. School fees are my problem so I have to find those too and support dd through uni that she wants to attend and ds has a disability that means he will need more support than a "normal" child. I work but am a fixed term contract that ends in August. Is it right a dad doesn't have to provide for his kids but get £200k from us?

@NerrSnerr

How much does he earn and have you put in a claim through CMS?

He won't tell me. Says I should be paying him money. It was a very abusive relationship so it takes a while to get out of the way they have trained your brain to think need to get onto cms today.

You don't need to know what he earns to put a claim in to CMS. You need to be claiming child benefit that is all.

As part of the divorce he will need to fill in form E regarding finances so you what out what he declares as his salary and savings. If you think it's lies and he's a high earner it's worth paying a forensic accountant to check it out.

Does your solicitor have experience and success in divorcing abusive partners?

It seems like your current solicitor is not working out for you as they are not explaining the situation and isn't fighting to get you an appropriate share for the circumstances.

If you can't afford private school on your salary then service notice and start a new school in September.

Is he self-employed owning his own business?

@RandomMess

Is he self-employed owning his own business?

No he's employed, well on furlough. In our marriage he refused to work for a long time. Had £90k in savings but I had to pay all household and child expenses. I didn't realise how bad the abuse was looking back it was horrendous.

If he is a high earner then you can also ask for spousal support but after only a year he can take it back to court to challenge it but it may be worth asking for 12 months spousal. As part of a clean break order.

If he is self employed he will likely be paying himself in dividends and you may have to ask CMS to do a variation order if his lifestyle does not match his declared earnings.

Has he not get filled in his form E does the solicitor not have it? Has he even declared his pension valuations?

I am making assumptions that he has a reasonably high income because of private school. If your DS will never live independently then yes you should be asking for a larger share of the pot.

You absolutely needed a recommended Shit Hot Lawyer that knows shit hit barristers to get you are fair settlement in court.

Well CMS claim will be straight forward as he's employed.

If you are the high earner then yes he can argue for a bigger share BUT you are the primary carer and presumably he isn't permitted to see the DC so that swings things back in your favour.

I absolutely understand how your thinking gets messed with.... I have gone through similar and my ex had me thinking I was doing him over! Our clean break order has now gone to court and my solicitor has hinted it may not be finalised due to his massive pension pot and my small one due to years of part time working and child rearing

@RandomMess

If he is a high earner then you can also ask for spousal support but after only a year he can take it back to court to challenge it but it may be worth asking for 12 months spousal. As part of a clean break order.

If he is self employed he will likely be paying himself in dividends and you may have to ask CMS to do a variation order if his lifestyle does not match his declared earnings.

Has he not get filled in his form E does the solicitor not have it? Has he even declared his pension valuations?

I am making assumptions that he has a reasonably high income because of private school. If your DS will never live independently then yes you should be asking for a larger share of the pot.

You absolutely needed a recommended Shit Hot Lawyer that knows shit hit barristers to get you are fair settlement in court.

The school fees come from drawdown from offset mortgage. It needs two signatures to withdraw funds and I worry that if I go to CMS he will refuse ( it's me he wants to destroy for daring to leave he really isn't caring if children become collateral damage!) I had a good domestic abuse solicitor that I found through going for some free legal advice at women's aid when I was in refuge with kids but she's left and now this new one taken over and telling me a completely different story.

Why don’t you ring the refuge again for recommendations

You need to serve notice to the school, he will use this forever to abuse and control you. Presumably the cut off is this week to leave in the summer and not owe fees?

Presumably this years fees are paid?

I know it's sad for DD but you cannot afford it, end of.

With the clean break you will no longer be able to draw down on the mortgage etc. It's insanity to keep her at the school.

@sadonfriday

Why don’t you ring the refuge again for recommendations

Yes I'm going to try and do that today.

@RandomMess

If he is a high earner then you can also ask for spousal support but after only a year he can take it back to court to challenge it but it may be worth asking for 12 months spousal. As part of a clean break order.

If he is self employed he will likely be paying himself in dividends and you may have to ask CMS to do a variation order if his lifestyle does not match his declared earnings.

Has he not get filled in his form E does the solicitor not have it? Has he even declared his pension valuations?

I am making assumptions that he has a reasonably high income because of private school. If your DS will never live independently then yes you should be asking for a larger share of the pot.

You absolutely needed a recommended Shit Hot Lawyer that knows shit hit barristers to get you are fair settlement in court.

And no! No information from him at all yet and another court date soon. Silence from him and his solicitor. Think we are going to have to ask the court to make him.

Op the refuge should be able to help re solicitor recommendations

If the school fees so far are funded by debt - the mortgage this means every year you are going to owe more. I am concerned that you are sleep walking into financial ruin.

How are you going to be able to afford a home and school fees?

Have you approached the school to see if you are eligible for a bursary on your income?

At any time your ex can stop agreeing to increasing the mortgage to pay the school fees - don't put it past him to do that when they are next due so you and DD are stitched up.

He either agrees to withdraw the money now for the rest of her schooling to year 11 or serve notice. If you don't get a new contract how can you even afford the mortgage in October?

@RandomMess

If the school fees so far are funded by debt - the mortgage this means every year you are going to owe more. I am concerned that you are sleep walking into financial ruin.

How are you going to be able to afford a home and school fees?

Have you approached the school to see if you are eligible for a bursary on your income?

At any time your ex can stop agreeing to increasing the mortgage to pay the school fees - don't put it past him to do that when they are next due so you and DD are stitched up.

He either agrees to withdraw the money now for the rest of her schooling to year 11 or serve notice. If you don't get a new contract how can you even afford the mortgage in October?

Yes she is on a bursary. Due to off set repayments very low as it's from savings off set rather than adding to debt. I have a savings buffer that would pay child and house expenses for a year. Your post has made it very clear about how far he would go to impact the children to punish me. Abusive men are a breed alone.

You can't afford to pay private school fees, you're getting into debt to do that. Why?

Claim CMS and find a new solicitor

How are you going to pay the fees when you don't have any savings anymore or you don't get a new contract!

I mean until year 11 not just the next year?

If she is only in year 7 or 8 the time to move her is this summer.

Is the bursary based on both of your incomes? I wouldn't be surprised if he refuses to fill in the paperwork.

You need an urgent meeting with the school bursar to discuss various scenarios and what would happen to school fees. Whilst they will often be flexible for a child in year 10 or 12 so they finish schooling they may be less so for a child in year 7/8 - they are a business.

@Tigerchips

You can't afford to pay private school fees, you're getting into debt to do that. Why?

Claim CMS and find a new solicitor

Because I am trying to be the better parent by keeping their lives a stable as possible after they were abused. I suppose you cat understand what having an abusive partner is like, trying to protect your children when they try their best to destroy everything because they want to punish you. I know one thing, I will be alone now for the rest of my life, I could never trust anyone again.

Refuge is a short term solution to get women out of immediate danger; Women's Aid and similar services really are there for the long haul, so yes - definitely phone your service back today and ask for another lawyer recommendation. I believe you can get legal aid where there's abuse too (I'm not in England so not 100% sure). There are also specialist charities like Rights of Women who can help.

You need urgent, specialised advice, but you also need to take a breath. I can almost feel the panic rising off you from each post - that's perfectly natural, you've lived with an abuser in an adrenalised state for so long. But you can and will get through this final hurdle and then you'll be free. Breathe.

You won't have to 'give' him money. That's ridiculous.
You will have to split the family assets with him. Both parties need to be housed. But a judge will decide the split.
He will have to pay CMS, whether he sees the children or not.
Your DS school may be a challenge though, depending on how much it is. His CMS probably won't touch the side, the minimum payment is really low.

It might be worth starting to research other school options, including state in other areas. You can move now!

Just saw the point about him signing off on releasing funds: yes, he will refuse to do that 1) because he is an abuser and 2) because his solicitor will tell him to because technically you are spending assets that belong to the marriage. In a normal situation you'd probably be able to come to an agreement on that, but in the current circs I doubt you will.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

Refuge is a short term solution to get women out of immediate danger; Women's Aid and similar services really are there for the long haul, so yes - definitely phone your service back today and ask for another lawyer recommendation. I believe you can get legal aid where there's abuse too (I'm not in England so not 100% sure). There are also specialist charities like Rights of Women who can help.

You need urgent, specialised advice, but you also need to take a breath. I can almost feel the panic rising off you from each post - that's perfectly natural, you've lived with an abuser in an adrenalised state for so long. But you can and will get through this final hurdle and then you'll be free. Breathe.

You won't have to 'give' him money. That's ridiculous.
You will have to split the family assets with him. Both parties need to be housed. But a judge will decide the split.
He will have to pay CMS, whether he sees the children or not.
Your DS school may be a challenge though, depending on how much it is. His CMS probably won't touch the side, the minimum payment is really low.

It might be worth starting to research other school options, including state in other areas. You can move now!

Thank you, yes abusers train your brain to work in a certain way and it's hard to unlearn.

I completely understand that in an ideal world you would keep her at the school but it needs to be balanced with the financial reality as to whether you can afford to pay the fees on your own if you get £0 child maintenance. He may quit working once he has the divorce settlement to avoid paying maintenance- you cannot claim from savings only earned income.

How much are the annual fees after the bursary? If you are using savings now to pay them how could you realistically afford them whilst paying a mortgage on your own with no savings?

With 50% of the joint assets how big would your mortgage be on a smaller/cheaper be? How easily should you get a new work contract.

Sadly I think he will use the school fees to continue to abuse you both.

Speak to the bursar, ask to give notice now so no more fees are due if she leaves in the summer. Ask if you can withdraw that notice should he agree to pay the next 3/4 years up front from savings?

It would be kinder in your child to move her this summer than having to move her after year 9, that would be damaging to her education as well.

And the reason for the schooling choice was his, the schools aren't great here and I suggested we move just to different bit of the city we are in but it was a flat no and they will go there.

@RandomMess

I completely understand that in an ideal world you would keep her at the school but it needs to be balanced with the financial reality as to whether you can afford to pay the fees on your own if you get £0 child maintenance. He may quit working once he has the divorce settlement to avoid paying maintenance- you cannot claim from savings only earned income.

How much are the annual fees after the bursary? If you are using savings now to pay them how could you realistically afford them whilst paying a mortgage on your own with no savings?

With 50% of the joint assets how big would your mortgage be on a smaller/cheaper be? How easily should you get a new work contract.

Sadly I think he will use the school fees to continue to abuse you both.

Speak to the bursar, ask to give notice now so no more fees are due if she leaves in the summer. Ask if you can withdraw that notice should he agree to pay the next 3/4 years up front from savings?

It would be kinder in your child to move her this summer than having to move her after year 9, that would be damaging to her education as well.

And yes I fully expect him to stop working when he has all the money from the settlement. Lovely father.

Yeah he doesn't get to tell you where you can live anymore and if you cant afford the fees a state school is better than suddenly losing finance on a private one