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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Abuse ex made an 'Agreement'...

38 replies

Monny · 17/03/2021 06:28

Hello,

I am not sure if anyone can help but I am starting to feel really down, anxious and lost. I have a problem with my ex-husband trying to impose a childcare 'agreement' he has created. Firstly, he is very controlling by nature but also very clever with it. He was abusive and controlling in our marriage and I am psychologically scared of him. He attended a domestic abuse course but this just taught him how to go further under the radar but look nice. It took nearly 5 years to get a divorce and I got there due to luck. He does not give up easily. I could write a novel on the whole thing but I will never get to the point of this post.
So, the agreement looks nice on the surface; I mean, it puts out dates, who does what, etc. How reasonable and civilised.
However, it's 17 pages he has created and he is in charge of. It includes the temperature that PE kit is washed at (30 degrees apparently), that parents must be both present together for 2 hours on kids birthdays, Mother pays for all school clothes, it can be negotiated but anyone wishing to dispute it via legal route pays for all the legal fees, and on and on... Basically it's negotiable but non-negotiable, he is the gate-keeper, etc. He applies it to me but not himself. I am also his free childcare at will. He can go away and I pick up his childcare (it's not an ask BTW, it's a tell).

This had been going on for a year. I have tried to be reasonable. I have invited him to Mediation. He had declined (saying but there is an agreement in place). He is applying it whether I agree or not (and I don't, this can't even be legal). He is applying the dates and just takes the kids, etc. and is imposing it on me. He will not discuss it.
I am not against anything reasonable but I won't agree to anything he is in charge of. He is 100% his way or the highway.

An actual court order isn't of any point. Don't imagine that he would comply with anything anyway. Plus legally, he is a financial heavy weight, I am working part-time but don't qualify for legal aid.

What the hell do I do? Ignoring it doesn't work, no doesn't work, mediation doesn't work. It might sound trivial but I feel hounded, stressed, and trapped by my abuser's control for at least another decade. Please help and thank you. I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web.

OP posts:

TheWaif · 17/03/2021 06:32

Why wouldn't a court order be of any point?

TheWaif · 17/03/2021 06:33

I think a court order is needed. Having money doesn't mean he gets to control what temperature you wash pe kit at.

Original poster

Monny · 17/03/2021 06:35

It will take forever and he would ignore it. Plus he will still hound me with the rest of the content of the 'Agreement' that is not covered by the court order 😢

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 17/03/2021 06:36

Op I'm so sorry - this sounds so hard to deal with. Have you spoken to women's aid? They may well be able to support you in dealing with this as this is ongoing abuse. They have a raft of expertise in these matters and it might help you felt less Kobe. I still think court is a good idea.

Onlinedilema · 17/03/2021 06:39

Just reply no. Give him one email address that you will respond to as tell him you will not engage in any discussion other than the Times and dates of luck up. Block his number so that he can't message you, there is no need for him to have your phone number at all. I haven't a clue what my ex h 's number is and he certainly does not know mine.
How old are the children?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/03/2021 06:47

My ex did this i had to find my courage and ignore it. You tell him straight This isn't what you agreed and you will do as you see fit.
I'm disgusted there isn't legal aid to protect people from this shit.

Original poster

Monny · 17/03/2021 06:48

Unfortunately "No" isn't in his vocabulary. I would happily block him but he will still push the contract dates or just drop the kids, etc. Imagine dealing with a corporate psychopath in charge of a very ethical looking company.
The kids are junior school and senior school. He is Disney dad. Puppy, kitten. He says come, they do so, etc.

OP posts:

SaskiaRembrandt · 17/03/2021 06:51

How does he even know what temperature you wash PE kits at? You don't need to comply with his petty demands, no matter long and verbose his 'contract' is.

You may have divorced but it sounds as though he's still controlling you, even though he has no right to. You are an adult, you can make your own decisions, including about laundry. Honestly, you don't have to go along with this, there is nothing he can do if you don't. And if he threatens you inform the police. You have control here, he is not in charge.

And forget mediation, that only works when both parties want to reach an amicable agreement, clearly he does not.

Original poster

Monny · 17/03/2021 06:51

Getting out of domestic abuse is one mountain... Then you are on your own running from Goliath and crossing the Alps.

OP posts:

TheWaif · 17/03/2021 06:52

But if he doesn't comply with the court order you can report him for contempt of court

clpsmum · 17/03/2021 06:53

It sounds to me like you are giving him some of the power. It's not an ask it's a tell, no doesn't work etc. Don't let him have that power. See a solicitor and get some legal advice. Do not let him dictate to you or you will never be free of him. As pp have said block his number and correspond by email only and tell him NO. Make no work! Be for and stand your ground

SaskiaRembrandt · 17/03/2021 06:53

@Monny

It will take forever and he would ignore it. Plus he will still hound me with the rest of the content of the 'Agreement' that is not covered by the court order 😢

If he ignores a court order you take him back to court, he is not above the law. If you can't afford a solicitor speak to Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

clpsmum · 17/03/2021 06:54

And get a court order. So what if it takes a while to happen it will be worth the wait. He will continue to control you forever if you allow him to.

Original poster

Monny · 17/03/2021 06:54

Oh and I am not complying with any of his demands. Apart from the ones I can't dodge... Kids aren't going naked to school and when he just takes the kids (according to the contract but not the shared calendar) there's nothing I can do.

OP posts:

SaskiaRembrandt · 17/03/2021 06:56

@Monny

Getting out of domestic abuse is one mountain... Then you are on your own running from Goliath and crossing the Alps.

I do know how it feels, and I also know that the day I realised my ex-husband had no control over me was one of the happiest of my life.

Trust me, you do not have to put up with his shit.

Original poster

Monny · 17/03/2021 06:58

Is there anything else legally I could do? I feel harassed but I am not sure it's harassment. It's coercive behaviour, yet not... 😢

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 17/03/2021 07:04

Do you have a lawyer?

Wallywobbles · 17/03/2021 07:06

I'm not UK but similar. Our divorce covered all this. Times. Dates. Places. Years. Mothers/Fathers day etc. Clothes had to be provided by each parent for their house.

The judge would have said get to fuck for the rest.

Quartz2208 · 17/03/2021 07:08

I’m afraid you do need to take legal advice OP and do whatever you can and go with proof of all the things he has done

KatySun · 17/03/2021 07:20

I second the suggestion to contact Rights of Women. They will put you in touch with support organisations such as women’s aid and advise legally. You don’t say how long this has gone on for, but the only way I got harassment to stop in my case was to go to court. This is terrifying as you are scared of him, but once you have done it, then he loses some power. Have you spoken to a lawyer?

KatySun · 17/03/2021 07:25

You know, you are right in your post at 6.51, but metaphorically speaking, you need to stop running. You need to metaphorically put your hand up in front of him and say stop. I used to envisage building a fence around me, rather than running (which was my initial image too), and then tipping all his nonsense back over it. It is hard.
You don’t say how long since you separated. In my experience, time helps as well, but external support, as in posts above, is key.

StephenBelafonte · 17/03/2021 07:31

Honestly he is just being a dick and trying to frighten you. Do you really think he cares about what temperature you wash the kids clothes at? Really?

You've given him way more power than he actually has. He's not Goliath, he's just a silly little man.

Ignore any ridiculous requests, stop communicating with him other than about child handovers etc etc.

Was he this anal about the financial negotiations? How did you deal with the finances?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 17/03/2021 07:46

Be out when he's meant to come and collect if you aren't feeling able to say no yet. You need ti set a clear and strong example for your children or they might end up like him.

How old are they? If they are mid to late teens trying to get counselling for them might be beneficial

superwoman232 · 17/03/2021 21:03

@Monny can I ask how it has taken you 5 years to get divorced? Mine is a abusive and controlling and coercive and I'm starting out. Have to go to court for everything

Original poster

Monny · 18/03/2021 21:30

Many thanks all. I am trying to get through to Rights of Women for advice :-)

I think that for me the "Agreement" isn't so much the issue, but the act of imposing it is. It's simply the vehicle he is using to harass me under the radar. I will see if there's something I can legally do to stop the bothering me.

At one point it even says "If a parent is refusing to agree on this Agreement by the end of July each year, and unable to provide an adequate alternative, he/she shall pay all costs (from both parents) for the case to be taken to court". Obviously it means Sweet Fanny Adams (and in his mind applies only to me because he is not going to disagree with his own words). But it's like telling a character like Trump "No". It's a word my ex can ignore and seems to flow around like water.

Unfortunately I can't vanish at pickup, etc. because he collects from school, or can choose not to (the school will just call me - as per Motherland). I have been out when he went through a period of dropping my son off at short notice. He just let them know that Mummy doesn't want to be there (and it really traumatized my youngest - took months to fix).

@superwoman232 - sorry to hear that and I really hope it all works out for you. In my case, I avoided court. My ex has given up rages and now does the drip-torture route. It took over a year to get him to mediation. He foot dragged through that throwing in all sorts of nonsense (even thought £20k in compensation for being divorced might be a possible...) He then footdragged through the financial order for years throwing in utter nonsense. I held on tenaciously because he would have drip tortured through the courts too and run it into tens of thousands of pounds for me (he can afford that). It was only because of a life curve ball that actually would have cost him money that he stopped quibbling (but still tried a few more tricks). This is another reason that I am keen to avoid court.

OP posts:

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