Abuse ex made an 'Agreement'...

[Monny]

Hello,

I am not sure if anyone can help but I am starting to feel really down, anxious and lost. I have a problem with my ex-husband trying to impose a childcare 'agreement' he has created. Firstly, he is very controlling by nature but also very clever with it. He was abusive and controlling in our marriage and I am psychologically scared of him. He attended a domestic abuse course but this just taught him how to go further under the radar but look nice. It took nearly 5 years to get a divorce and I got there due to luck. He does not give up easily. I could write a novel on the whole thing but I will never get to the point of this post.
So, the agreement looks nice on the surface; I mean, it puts out dates, who does what, etc. How reasonable and civilised.
However, it's 17 pages he has created and he is in charge of. It includes the temperature that PE kit is washed at (30 degrees apparently), that parents must be both present together for 2 hours on kids birthdays, Mother pays for all school clothes, it can be negotiated but anyone wishing to dispute it via legal route pays for all the legal fees, and on and on... Basically it's negotiable but non-negotiable, he is the gate-keeper, etc. He applies it to me but not himself. I am also his free childcare at will. He can go away and I pick up his childcare (it's not an ask BTW, it's a tell).

This had been going on for a year. I have tried to be reasonable. I have invited him to Mediation. He had declined (saying but there is an agreement in place). He is applying it whether I agree or not (and I don't, this can't even be legal). He is applying the dates and just takes the kids, etc. and is imposing it on me. He will not discuss it.
I am not against anything reasonable but I won't agree to anything he is in charge of. He is 100% his way or the highway.

An actual court order isn't of any point. Don't imagine that he would comply with anything anyway. Plus legally, he is a financial heavy weight, I am working part-time but don't qualify for legal aid.

What the hell do I do? Ignoring it doesn't work, no doesn't work, mediation doesn't work. It might sound trivial but I feel hounded, stressed, and trapped by my abuser's control for at least another decade. Please help and thank you. I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web.

As someone who took 6+ years to get divorced from a person similar to this, you need a court order. There is no alternative apart from insanity and unbearable stress until your children are 18.

You cannot reach an agreement with this type of individual without legal intervention.

If you allow an abusive bully to dictate the process, that is exactly what he will do. Trying to reason with him, engage in mediation, second-guess or be reasonable will get you absolutely nowhere.

The court order will put a stop to all his abuse, restore your self-esteem and ensure a calmer future for you and your children.

To get there, you need to:

1. Print off the latest round of bullshit.
2. Get a red pen and strike through the 30degree wash cycle tripe, and other ridiculous demands.
3. Write in, in as few words as possible, what it is you want and what is best for the kids.
4. Take it to your solicitor ASAP
5. If your solicitor is crap, delays things or is unavailable, get another one immediately
6. If you can't afford any kind of legal advice, explore all available channels for getting free advice or legal aid, and keep on at them until you get it.
7. In the meantime, disengage completely from all dialogue with the father that is not strictly - and I mean strictly - related to the kids' basic day-to-day care or medical/emotional needs. All texts and calls between you and him must be completely impersonal, referring to the situation and the child, not to what you or he did/didn't do (e.g. X happened, Y now needs to happen).
8. Expect him to respond with a flurry of insults and abuse, grey-rock him, and ignore any of his comments that are directed at you.

Believe me, if you do not put a stop to this now, he is going to drive you insane.

@StrangeLemons why did it take you 6 years to divorce? I am in a relationship with someone like this guy and your guy, and I am court straight to court. No meditation etc because I think he will not engage and drag it out. Court may be long but I doubt it will take 6 years. I already took out a non molestation order which was dismissed in favour of undertakings at the first hearing and since then he had kept his mouth shut.

Thanks everyone. I have spoken to the Rights of Women. It could be considered harassment and I will go down that route.
The 'Agreement' is just a cover for my ex.

[quote superwoman232]@StrangeLemons why did it take you 6 years to divorce? I am in a relationship with someone like this guy and your guy, and I am court straight to court. No meditation etc because I think he will not engage and drag it out. Court may be long but I doubt it will take 6 years. I already took out a non molestation order which was dismissed in favour of undertakings at the first hearing and since then he had kept his mouth shut. [/quote]
Mediation is required in the first instance in most cases I think? So if you haven't tried it or got evidence that communication has broken down, court will request you try that first I think? At least that's the advice I was given when I divorced a couple of years ago?

@CandyLeBonBon I attended a MIAM and have the green light to go ahead with court

How the hell does he get to dictate what temperature the PE kits are washed at if he hasn't even paid for them? That is just preposterous 😯
What a controlling arsewipe 😡

oh my lord what have I just read OP, thank goodness you sought out support from Rights of Women. Please do not let him do this a moment longer. 🌺

Ignore it, be out when he comes, call the police if he becomes aggressive.

His contract isn't a contract it's instructions.

Also I'd report him to his company

Glad that Rights of Women helped. I agree with others that you need to do everything you can to take your power back.

stay strong OP 🌺

Don't agree to anything. Whatever he does, says. Don't agree, sign anything without speaking to a solicitor. You need to contact women's aid or the police (101) in your area to give you a number for your local domestic abuse support workers. You need to get a support worker to take your case on and offer you support. It's free. What he is doing/ done is abuse. Full stop. As difficult as it is you need to focus on your children. The support worker will provide you with a letter of support which will enable you to depending on your income to get legal aid and point you in the right direction to a solicitor who has experience with domestic abuse. If it means moving you and your children to a safe house then iteans you will be out of your way. Once he is not in your face constantly you can find your own mind again. At the moment it feels like all is lost. You have no where to go. Like your going mad. Can't remember things clearly, not eating properly, sleepless nights. If your working part time are you in receipt of universal credit? If so you will be entitled to legal aid. If not you agree a monthly payment with a solicitor. Then you fight back. You get your solicitor to do be your voice. Cut all contact with him. Speak to him only with regards to the children if needs be. Again your support worker from the DA team will advise you. Nothing is lost for you. You have to search deep in yourself to find the strength and fight. It gets worse before it gets better. But it does get better. Fight the worthless piece of shit. Never give in. Stand your ground my lovely. I have realized if I run, I will run for the rest of my life and he will always have that control over me. Draw a battle line, put on your armour and fight him all the way. Good luck and remember never surrender xx

OP just checking how you are 🌸