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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Separating but Ex wants to continue to share home? Advice!!

48 replies

MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 18:45

Bit of back story - we're both in agreement the marriage is over and want to separate. I am going to take sole ownership of the house/mortgage and this looks all likely to happen in the next few months.

The issue I'm having is what the right/fair thing to do is regarding him staying in the household once this is finalised?

We have agreed on set days for each of us having the kids. On my days he is going to live at his parents and on his days he is going to live back in our home, until he buys somewhere else.

I'm happy about this for the sake of the kids but I also am very aware that he will have a freedom that I wont? I will be taking over all the bills, yet he will still be here for half of the week? He will have days/nights to himself whereas I wont as them days he will be in my home/space?

Should I be giving him a timeframe? Do I ask for rent off him? Do I go elsewhere on his days with the kids even though its my house?

Very confused - any advice or suggestions welcome!

Thank you in advance :)

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 16/03/2021 18:48

Definitely give him a timeframe, and definitely I'd be expecting him to be paying a contribution to bills/living expenses in ratio to how many days he's there. But I'd also be planning to be somewhere else on those nights he's in your home for sure.

mediumduboir · 16/03/2021 18:49

Why can't he see the kids at his parents?

persistentwoman · 16/03/2021 18:55

Are you sure this is what you want OP. You'r separating yet you will have no private space from him, no secrets, no privacy?
I get that it's tricky but are you certain that this is the best way? Could he not rent his own place?

Original poster
MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 19:04

@Purplewithred

Definitely give him a timeframe, and definitely I'd be expecting him to be paying a contribution to bills/living expenses in ratio to how many days he's there. But I'd also be planning to be somewhere else on those nights he's in your home for sure.
That's what I'm thinking, maybe 6 months? - if the tables were turned I'd rent somewhere whilst looking for something more permanent and it would take a few weeks not months.

I think if I agree on a timeframe and he agree's to continue to split bills then although I will own the property, I would make myself scarce of the days he was there with the kids. so messy!

OP posts:
BlowDryRat · 16/03/2021 19:04

My only advice is Don't.

NovemberR · 16/03/2021 19:09

No, this is a ridiculous suggestion.

If you are separating, and you are buying him out, then he doesn't get to live with you for half the week because it's convenient for him.

He needs to rent somewhere or take the children to his parents.

It will be hellish for you - and very difficult and confusing for the children. They need clear lines drawing about 'Dad's house' and 'Mum's house'. And they don't need to be hoping that you might get back together again - which, believe me they will if Dad is still there half the week. Where the hell are you supposed to go for three days?

This is not workable.

Original poster
MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 19:11

@persistentwoman

Are you sure this is what you want OP. You'r separating yet you will have no private space from him, no secrets, no privacy? I get that it's tricky but are you certain that this is the best way? Could he not rent his own place?
This is what I want however he doesn't.

His intention is to rent his own place but he wants 6 months to enable him to do this and for me to accommodate him until then. I would of liked him to have his own place sorted sooner rather than later. I'm the one at a disadvantage here other than owning the home.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2021 19:11

Who suggested this? Because if it's him it's showing a great deal of cheek. He's stamping his ownership over your new life.

I wouldn't.

customwatkins · 16/03/2021 19:15

I don't understand how this will benefit anyone but him....talk about having his cake and eating it.

Lollypop701 · 16/03/2021 19:20

I’d give it a max of 3 months ... if I did it at all. It’s not great for the kids as they retain hope you’re going to get back together. Plus he’s maintaining control... if you’ve always got the kids then there’s no chance for another relationship. It’s not that you want another relationship, but he’s making sure you don’t have opportunity. I think you need strong boundaries, this separation isn’t what just works for him

Original poster
MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 19:22

@MrsTerryPratchett

Who suggested this? Because if it's him it's showing a great deal of cheek. He's stamping his ownership over your new life.

I wouldn't.

I think he feels since he is 'letting' me buy him out of the house that I should allow him to time to find alternative housing and still see the kids.

I can tell from the majority of the responses here I was right in thinking this wasn't sitting right with me.

OP posts:
Trumplosttheelection · 16/03/2021 19:22

He doesn't intend to rent. He reckons in six months either he will have found a new woman to shack up with or you will have decided he can move back.
Tell him no, this isn't happening and I bet you a months rent you find he cuts up very rough. This isn't about the kids. This is about his convenience and his control. It won't have occurred to him you won't be there on his days.

titchy · 16/03/2021 19:24

He can stay with his parents till he sorts out a rental. No need for him to stay with you at all. Im sure his parents would be delighted to see their grandchildren a few days a week.

ScottishStardust · 16/03/2021 19:31

Are you buying him out of the house.. if so he'll have money to find an alternative.

The property will be yours and your responsibility - I think it's unreasonable for him to expect to live there 'free' to see the kids, whilst he finds his feet and you pay everything?

Original poster
MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 19:33

@titchy

He can stay with his parents till he sorts out a rental. No need for him to stay with you at all. Im sure his parents would be delighted to see their grandchildren a few days a week.
I wish this was the case - I know if the roles were reversed my parents would love me and the kids there for a few days a week until we got sorted but not so much on his side. Life would be alot easier if he could of bought me out of the house.

His parents only like them there for a few hours, once a week. I can count on one hand how many times they have slept at their house so this rules that out.

OP posts:
titchy · 16/03/2021 19:38

His parents only like them there for a few hours, once a week. I can count on one hand how many times they have slept at their house so this rules that out.

Good! Means they'll moan at him to find somewhere else to live! Remember his accommodation issues are not your problem to solve. If his parents aren't happy for him to have the kids over he'll have to take them out somewhere.

queenofthenorthwest · 16/03/2021 19:40

Nope. You won't be able to move on and meet anyone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2021 19:42

I think he feels since he is 'letting' me buy him out of the house that I should allow him to time to find alternative housing and still see the kids.

Well you've allowed the children to stay in their home, isn't that lovely of you? And any normal person can find alternative housing fairly easily with money, which he has because you bought him out.

Don't make divorce just the same for you, with all the freedom and benefits for him. And more expensive for you!

MzHz · 16/03/2021 19:44

@titchy

His parents only like them there for a few hours, once a week. I can count on one hand how many times they have slept at their house so this rules that out.

Good! Means they'll moan at him to find somewhere else to live! Remember his accommodation issues are not your problem to solve. If his parents aren't happy for him to have the kids over he'll have to take them out somewhere.

Exactly this! He will NEVER leave if you allow this. He can pick them up and see them and take them for walks or to pop to his his parents

You. NEED. To be firm on this. He can have a week to move his stuff out and then he can plan where he’s going next. He’ll save money to rent faster that way.

MzHz · 16/03/2021 19:46

Your in-laws and their unwelcoming ways are not your problem any more!

Calmly explain to him that when you’ve bought go out, he moves out and no, he won’t be staying here to see the kids.

MzHz · 16/03/2021 19:46

Bought him out *

RandomMess · 16/03/2021 19:48

Nope once you've bought him out that's it.

He needs to rent somewhere or just take the DC out.

It's too confusing and upsetting for you and the DC otherwise.

Is he still paying the mortgage now? If not he has time to save now!

MoonGeek · 16/03/2021 19:49

Please don't do this. It is a recipe for disaster.

Elieza · 16/03/2021 19:57

Where will you go when it’s your days off? Stay at your parents? Sofa surf with friends?

I’ve heard of people on here doing similar arrangements to his idea but it never ends well long term.

There are those who do the whole mum stays in the house with the kids while dad stays in a flat thing, and then they swap and mum stays in the flat while dad stays on the house with the kids. So the kids always stay at home it’s the parents who move about.

I know datings far away in the future for you but when you do want to date someone or have the girls round it will be problematic. Or when he has the horn and arranges for his latest flame to come round once the kids are in bed... Yuk.

He’s just trying to save money and figures staying with you for free and his parents the rest of the time and saving up is the way to go. I can understand that but you don’t want him staying in your space sleeping in your bed and going through your stuff do you? Having to hide things that are personal.

If you think he’s going to be difficult about signing the house over to you then you may have to put up with his idea for a while, but once the papers are signed....

Clymene · 16/03/2021 20:02

It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM that his parents only tolerate your kids in small doses.

It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM that he's choosing to stay with his parents rather than finding his own place.

Don't let him make it your problem.

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