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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Separating but Ex wants to continue to share home? Advice!!

48 replies

MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 18:45

Bit of back story - we're both in agreement the marriage is over and want to separate. I am going to take sole ownership of the house/mortgage and this looks all likely to happen in the next few months.

The issue I'm having is what the right/fair thing to do is regarding him staying in the household once this is finalised?

We have agreed on set days for each of us having the kids. On my days he is going to live at his parents and on his days he is going to live back in our home, until he buys somewhere else.

I'm happy about this for the sake of the kids but I also am very aware that he will have a freedom that I wont? I will be taking over all the bills, yet he will still be here for half of the week? He will have days/nights to himself whereas I wont as them days he will be in my home/space?

Should I be giving him a timeframe? Do I ask for rent off him? Do I go elsewhere on his days with the kids even though its my house?

Very confused - any advice or suggestions welcome!

Thank you in advance :)

OP posts:

justchecking1 · 16/03/2021 20:41

If you've bought him out then he uses that money to buy/rent somewhere else.

I wouldn't be having him in the house like this

Original poster

MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 21:57

@Clymene

It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM that his parents only tolerate your kids in small doses.

It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM that he's choosing to stay with his parents rather than finding his own place.

Don't let him make it your problem.

I need to remind myself this.

After a brief discussion/confrontation with him, as I expected, I’m being unreasonable and not the person he thought I was....

So mentally drained!

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 16/03/2021 22:02

After a brief discussion/confrontation with him, as I expected, I’m being unreasonable and not the person he thought I was....

Oh who cares. His plan is ridiculous. 6 months! Give him 2 weeks.

Original poster

MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 22:02

@Elieza

Where will you go when it’s your days off? Stay at your parents? Sofa surf with friends?

I’ve heard of people on here doing similar arrangements to his idea but it never ends well long term.

There are those who do the whole mum stays in the house with the kids while dad stays in a flat thing, and then they swap and mum stays in the flat while dad stays on the house with the kids. So the kids always stay at home it’s the parents who move about.

I know datings far away in the future for you but when you do want to date someone or have the girls round it will be problematic. Or when he has the horn and arranges for his latest flame to come round once the kids are in bed... Yuk.

He’s just trying to save money and figures staying with you for free and his parents the rest of the time and saving up is the way to go. I can understand that but you don’t want him staying in your space sleeping in your bed and going through your stuff do you? Having to hide things that are personal.

If you think he’s going to be difficult about signing the house over to you then you may have to put up with his idea for a while, but once the papers are signed....

Your completely right. It doesn’t make sense to decide to separate but still live together, on his time with the kids.

Discussing this has went down like a lead balloon and I’m not sure he will sign over now even though it’s the quickest and less messy option. The alternative to put it up for sale could take longer and he will end up in the same position, having to find somewhere to live when it sells.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 16/03/2021 22:04

Not only is this a bad idea for you, its also a terrible idea for your children. They will absolutely know what’s going on, will feel on tenterhooks every time youre both in the home, will wonder where you are when he’s staying. Don’t treat them as if they wont understand - the sooner you all settle into a new normal the better from them.
He actually needs to leave asap.

Original poster

MamaE88 · 16/03/2021 22:10

@Soontobe60

Very true, my eldest (6) is already too aware and normalised to the way we go on with each other. This is one of the main reasons for wanting to finally end the relationship as it’s never going to improve and input unhappiness is impacting them.

OP posts:

MzHz · 16/03/2021 22:33

He’s just pissed off that you’re not just going along with his plans!

Doesn’t make his plans any less stupid or inconvenient for you

Cash? He’ll have lots of it, time? Plenty enough to sort out a decent rental

Don’t let him make his laziness your problem.

This is one of the benefits of splitting up, you don’t need to put him first over you any more

ScottishStardust · 17/03/2021 07:15

The other option is to say, you'll buy him out in 6 months time (or earlier) - at which point he'll need to have another place. Until then He continues to contribute to the joint house - but he's not living there for free half the week in your property whilst you have full ownership/responsibility for it.

Original poster

MamaE88 · 17/03/2021 07:45

@ScottishStardust

This has been going on since October and I agreed to give it until June - not shocked he is extending it. I’m trying to be fair and understand his situation but financially he will be fine, I don’t doubt another 6 months would get him in a better position but this could go on forever based on that formula.

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaE88 · 17/03/2021 07:49

Thanks everyone for your input - I knew there was a reason it wasn’t sitting right with me.

I’ve told him 6 months is excessive considering he has 3 months to start looking now. Fingers crossed

OP posts:

Newestname001 · 17/03/2021 08:01

@MamaE88

After a brief discussion/confrontation with him, as I expected, I’m being unreasonable and not the person he thought I was....

He's only saying that because he thought he had you agreeing to what HE wanted - a really bad deal/situation for you and your children.

Why on earth would you give him the freedom of your own home and privacy when you will have bought him out and taken over responsibility for all the finances to do with the house? He is, obviously, trying to manipulate you to his own advantage.

As other PPs have said, where he goes during his contact time with the children is his problem to solve, as Co-parenting adult.

Good luck in standing firm against this, OP. 🌹

Emmelina · 17/03/2021 08:06

Cohabiting can cause problems with divorce.

RandomMess · 17/03/2021 08:08

If he refuses to sign the house over and it goes up for sale you can say the same back at him that he isn't putting the DC first and he isn't the person you thought he was to punish them because you are sticking to the original agreement.

If the house goes up for sale what is to stop you buying it anyway? Won't he end up with less money due to various fees?

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 17/03/2021 08:37

I did it - 18mths!! Excuse after excuse. It was hell. It was worse than living with him before and the resentment builds up. A couple of months max I'd say. Summer's coming, he can take the kids out for the day, do some actual parenting. Sounds like he just wants an easy life.

MzHz · 17/03/2021 08:50

@MamaE88

Thanks everyone for your input - I knew there was a reason it wasn’t sitting right with me.

I’ve told him 6 months is excessive considering he has 3 months to start looking now. Fingers crossed

The way rental things work it’s so fast paced it won’t take long to find and secure a place, so he can start looking now and it’ll be ready for him to move into around the time you’re buying him out

You can always advance cash for deposits if he needs it, and deduct from house buyout amount

Or he could move in with his parents and sort his life out from there

Did he always make all his problems your problems?

Stop facilitating this creature.

Lollypop701 · 17/03/2021 10:16

You are not the person he thought you were , because if you were you would still be married! He obviously thought you were a walkover, would agree with his every demand and you were around to concede to his every wish and demand ( in the guise of what is good for the children). He’s not your responsibility anymore, you make decisions based on what works for you and your kids. Nothing wrong with compromise, but compromise is somewhere in the middle not you doing what he wants. Good luck op,

Otter71 · 19/03/2021 07:46

If you are buying him out he will have to sign there is nothing of his there on completion. And at that point you can legally change the locks and refuse to give him a key.

Send him a list of appropriate rental properties and make him go. You could try my ex husband's plan when he wanted it over of packing a suitcase and leaving it on the doorstep with a message to phone a friend of course...
Six months is way too long to give him. If you are being nice give him one. I managed to rent a property and be in in under 3 weeks despite being kicked out on boxing Day. No bank holidays would have made it quicker...

Loveacoseynightin · 19/03/2021 15:17

If it was me I wouldn't sign the buy out offer until it suited myself. Why should I rush?

You would be better of selling the house

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2021 15:26

I agree there's no reason for it to go on past June. Is he actually looking or hoping of he holds out you'll get back together?

If you've brought him out I assume the issue isn't a deposit and a month's rent in advance?

I can understand why you agreed, if he can only have them at his parents for a few hours, what else can he do with them ATM until he's found somewhere but he should have been able to find a suitable 3? bed near you in 5 months.

Can you reinforce the original timeline and do it from the perspective of confused children ?

Usagi12 · 19/03/2021 15:31

Who cares what he wants, you've split up! I get you're trying to be fair but seriously this can't work. What if you met someone else, or he does? He should just move in with his parents. It doesn't take 6 months to find a flat. Honestly I'd think you were generous giving him 2 weeks. He's a grown man, he can sort himself out.

Itsybitsydooda · 01/04/2021 21:32

Who deals with the children when its his days? Is he doing all the cooking, cleaning up, washing, school/nursery runs etc or are you still doing it and he's just there?

Sounds like in his eyes he's getting the best of both worlds.

Lemmeout · 08/04/2021 08:31

No no and no. It would be torture and very confusing for the dc.

Giraffey1 · 11/04/2021 23:43

Just no. He needs to get himself sorted out, it isn’t your problem. He thinks you ar being unreasonable? You aren’t, but let him think what he likes, don’t back down just because he isn’t getting his way.

You are splitting up, remember, because you don’t want to be with him. Why would you let him stay I. Your house for half the week? It makes nose se and will be confusing for the DC.

You will end up extending and extending the deadline for him to move out because he will have an excuse for why he hasn’t found anywhere. Remember,, this isn’t your problem.

Foot down with a firm hand!

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