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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex doesn't want to stick to set custody days due to hobby

37 replies

BecauseMaybee · 02/03/2021 13:44

My ex and I have agreed set childcare days, until he realised how much set weekend days will impact on his motor sports hobby. He has since asked me to be "flexible" and swap days around based on his hobby needs. I've told him absolutely not and that I need set days to plan and prepare my own life which has revolved around him far too long. One of the reasons we're separating is because I don't want his chaos and poor organisation in my life, so why should I do this? I've revolved mine and DCs lives around his hobbies for enough summers and I'm through with it.

He is now saying however that if I won't swap days when he wants to, then he will take DCs with him. This will obviously inconvenience him, but I definitely wouldn't put this past him. The issue however is that some of these events are 3-4 hours drive away and he doesn't return until the early hours of the morning on a regular basis. This is not acceptable for 2 children under 8 who have school etc. I have told him this and he just shrugs as if I'm being awkward so have to accept the consequences.

I think his attitude his disgusting if I'm honest.

Where do I stand? What can I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

BecauseMaybee · 02/03/2021 13:44

Just to add that the youngest is only 4 too 😢

OP posts:

Chewingle · 02/03/2021 13:45

I’d call his bluff

He won’t want to take the children on his hobby.

If he does a couple of times - then reevaluate your approach but I doubt it will come to it.

Lumene · 02/03/2021 13:47

Agree, he will have no fun doing that with a 4 year old in tow, I would also call his bluff.

Taikoo · 02/03/2021 13:48

Yep leave him to it and call his bluff. Tosser.

JesusAteMyHamster · 02/03/2021 13:49

What's the hobby ? Obviously if it's dirt bike riding or something he can't just dump his kid to go off and do that.

KnobJockey · 02/03/2021 13:50

He's a parent too. If he thinks that his hobby is a suitable place for the kids, and that he's happy to bring them with him on weekends, late nights, etc, it's his choice too. Arrange for him to do school drop off every other Monday and make sure school knows who to feed back to if there any issues with the kids that day. Don't babysit him.

minniemango · 02/03/2021 13:50

Can't see him wanting to do it more than once to be honest!

He may be a crap dad, but ultimately he's the only one they'd got. You can't force him to parent to your standards so long as he's basically safe/good enough.

VinterKvinna · 02/03/2021 13:52

@JesusAteMyHamster

What's the hobby ? Obviously if it's dirt bike riding or something he can't just dump his kid to go off and do that.

What is the hobby?

VettiyaIruken · 02/03/2021 13:53

He is trying to manipulate you.
The best reply is "sounds good. The children will have a lot of fun with that."

At the end of the day, you can't force him to show up or to put his kids first. If he wants to be a selfish and crap dad there's bugger all you can do but don't let him opt out of being a parent by 'agreement'. Let it be his choice to not show up not pretend to himself that it's 'flexibility'

Original poster

BecauseMaybee · 02/03/2021 13:55

Yep... dirt bikes! His brother goes with him and he thinks that his brother will happily watch DCs so he can ride and compete.

I don't think it's an environment for young DCs when the adults with them are there to compete, I can't imagine they'll be properly looked after which causes me massive anxiety.

OP posts:

Thebookswereherfriends · 02/03/2021 13:57

I would say let him get on with it, as pp say he might try it a couple of times and realise it’s not fun or practical. Be prepared for the fact that it might mean he won’t see the children that much if he puts his hobby first.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 02/03/2021 14:00

I would just say that if he is unable to look after the children on his set days then those days will have to be forfeited. There will not be any swapping or changing to suit him.

If he doesn't agree to that and wants to take them along to his hobby then he also has to make sure they are taken to school on the Monday morning. There's not much you can do about what he chooses to do with the kids during his contact time, until it starts negatively affecting them.

SandyY2K · 02/03/2021 21:31

Let him take them. He can also take them to school the following day if he'll be bringing them back late.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2021 21:33

Call his bluff. It will be nerve racking but his brother and him won't want to babysit and it will die a death.

Don't facilitate his shitty choices any more.

Sally2791 · 02/03/2021 21:37

I agree, call his bluff otherwise you’ll be pandering to his ego exactly as when you were together. He’ll soon realise it doesn’t work.

mrurddhasabitpart · 02/03/2021 21:44

Call his bluff. But also be ready (and hopefully happy) to have the children 97% of the time and have him blame you and accuse you of "keeping his kids from him" etc etc. They all too often do it and it's so much the norm.

PopUpName · 02/03/2021 21:50

Do you think he would actually leave them alone or in harm's way?

Because I tend to agree that he's bluffing. He may try it out, but it won't work and will be massively awkward for him to manage.

napody · 02/03/2021 21:53

@SandyY2K

Let him take them. He can also take them to school the following day if he'll be bringing them back late.

Agree, and agree with others that even if he attempts it once it will fizzle out very soon.

quieterinreallife · 02/03/2021 22:03

I have been around the dirt bike community for many years ( not anymore) honestly though it is fantastic for children, my dc's used to love going when they were little and they made a whole set of new friends there. Honestly let him crack on, they'll love it!!

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 02/03/2021 22:07

Id also call his bluff.

partyatthepalace · 02/03/2021 22:25

@Chewingle

I’d call his bluff

He won’t want to take the children on his hobby.

If he does a couple of times - then reevaluate your approach but I doubt it will come to it.

Absolutely

If he did do it and it had a detrimental effect, you could tackle it through mediation service - but he will either never do it, or try it a couple times and give up. No one wants a 4 year old in the paddock.

Well done for sticking to your guns.

Lonecatwithkitten · 03/03/2021 07:54

I would also call his bluff, but change the reason, you want a consistent schedule for the children so they know where they are and which days they will be where.

NoSquirrels · 03/03/2021 08:09

He’s saying he’ll take them because he knows you think it’s unsuitable and unfair on them so he’s expecting you to cave. He’s manipulating you.

So don’t cave. As others say, he’ll either do it a few times and it will be a disaster, so he’ll either stop contact or stop going dirt biking, or the children will learn to love it/tolerate it.

Either way you cannot dictate to him what he does on his contact time - this is the flip side to not having to be concerned with his timetable - so you need to develop a shrug it off attitude and try not to worry about the children. Unless he and his brother are totally irresponsible and not fit to be in charge of children you’ll need to accept his time is his business.

PurpleMustang · 03/03/2021 08:11

Yep I agree with the others. If it is his turn he needs to either take them/change his plans or forfeit the time. No swapping if it is going to be a regular thing, that is just disruptive to the kids. Does he not see the irony in him putting the hobby before the kids and one of the reasons why you separated? Ser you boundaries else he will constantly stamp all over them.

Irishstout · 03/03/2021 08:13

100% agree with the other advice .

Smile shrug and say you're sure theyll have lots of fun.

He wont do it more than once - if it even gets that far. He knows that you will back down because you dont think its suitable. He's manipulating you - don't let him.

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