Can someone please help with logistics of times children move on swop days?

PurpleMustang · 2020-12-18T07:05:00+00:00

So in New Year partner is moving out and we are trying to sort best pattern for children to swop houses etc. If people do a 2-2-5-5 what days and times do the children change or other patterns. The 4/3 ones. I don't know if there is anything set in stone online by any government site or agency but I don't know best it works. Thanks

daisypond · 18/12/2020 07:07

What does 2-2-5-5 mean?

Lonecatwithkitten · 18/12/2020 07:14

What age are the children? Do they go to school, child care etc?

themorningking · 18/12/2020 07:19

Age is important - try to make it as natural as possible based on their routine
So after school
After evening activities
I find it's much easier as they are not going from one house to the other direct
With smaller kids maybe go out somewhere first for a walk then switch then

satnighttakeaway · 18/12/2020 07:19

IME each family works out its own way of doing it, I don't know what your numbers mean and I've not heard of any kind of government rules. Are you in England? Maybe some countries legislate for this but everyone I know comes to a family arrangement, obviously with different degrees of sucess and animosity

Good luck with sorting something out.

themorningking · 18/12/2020 07:23

2-2-5-5 is a routine some follow
2 days with mum, 2 days with dad etc
But yes agree with pp - unless you cannot agree and have to go to court it is what you can all agree on
Importantly - if kids are older their preferences also to be considered

Throughabushbackwards · 18/12/2020 07:29

OP, my only experience with this is two best friends' break ups where the children in both situations have really suffered under initially quite complex 50/50 arrangements like the 2255 one. In both cases the kids have felt stressed by the constant change and disruption, feeling like they were always on the move . Maybe it works for some but both of the families I know have reverted to the kids having a constant, stable "home" with one parent and visiting the other parent on a very regular schedule - EOW in one case and every weekend in the other.

user1471530109 · 18/12/2020 07:35

OP, I don't think there is an answer that fits everyone. My dc are primary school age and they live with me as their main home and see their dad EOW AND one day in the week. It actually is slightly different to the norm as he has them every Thurs and Fri night after school and then every other Saturday too.

I find the weekend he has them, the kids are unsettled when they return and are quite naughty. But I expect they are at an age now that they are finding the transition difficult (and normally because they haven't had a shower in three days, done their homework etc). I don't have a good relationship with their dad so I'm not able to ask if the same happens when he has them. I expect not as he picks them up from school.

satnighttakeaway · 18/12/2020 07:36

@themorningking

2-2-5-5 is a routine some follow 2 days with mum, 2 days with dad etc But yes agree with pp - unless you cannot agree and have to go to court it is what you can all agree on Importantly - if kids are older their preferences also to be considered

Thank you for explaining, tbh that sounds like a dreadful way for children to live, is it common?

No one I know does anything other than children live with mum, go to school as normal and depending on where the dad lives see him at weekends or maybe an evening if it doesn't interfere with school.

Original poster

PurpleMustang · 18/12/2020 07:39

Sorry yes I should of added secondary school, oldest is 15. I am trying to find a way that means they know where they will be on constant days. So ie Mon, Tues with me, Wed, Thurs him etc. But I really don't know anyone that does 50/50. The kids nor us want to do week on week off as would be too long apart. They do have evening activities that will need to be navigated around as best we can but was trying to get a feeling for what others do

OP posts:

taskmasterfan · 18/12/2020 07:43

We do 3-4/4-3. For us it works like this.
Kids dropped to me Sunday late afternoon. I have kids mon and tues and then weds am i take to school.
Weds pm Dad picks up from after school club and has them thurs and fri.
If its my weekend they are dropped sat am mid morning if its dads weekend they are dropped sunday tea time. That alternates.
We have done that for many years now. We avoid 2 nights where possible as kids dont settle in fully.
We live opposite side of same suburb so forgotten items can be easily dropped and collected.
Ill often go watch my ds football match when its not my weekend and vice versa.

If its tense with your ex you want as few points of interaction as possible so longer stints better.

You want a routine that is a fair split of mundane routine and fun weekend. And that also supports kids activities and your work commitments. We went for this approach because dad has late meetings mon and tues for example and i was off on mondays then.

My parents also help out with school runs etc and even do that on his days also. As its all about making things work for the kids.

Its all very civil now and everyone has new partners so its all flexxed over time. We were quite rigid to start with.

GregoryRowling · 18/12/2020 07:46

How old is the youngest?

Original poster

PurpleMustang · 18/12/2020 07:48

@satnighttakeaway the EOW and a night in the week is how most used to be done but now more 50/50 or 60/40 is pushed so means the kids have to move more to make it 'fair'.
I think but am unsure that the 2255 works by Sun night, Mon night with one/ Tues night, Wed night other and then alternating weekends (how the fives come into it so each gets a weekend) So over 2 weeks its Mon Tues Mum / Wed Thurs Dad / Fri Sat Sun Mon Tues Mum / Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun Dad changing over around 6pm of the evening before

OP posts:

taskmasterfan · 18/12/2020 07:50

Id say your oldest is quite old for the short bursts approach. And will be more attached to wanting the right pair of jeans etc in the right place. So thats going to be a challenge.

Mine were much much younger so needed that frequency of contact at the time. Now we are all used to it.

When the youngest hits secondary we might go one week on one week off.

Our co parenting is on the whole very successful. We support each other when we are worried or over bad behaviour or with ad hoc visits to sick parents and with covid homeschooling. Kids are very calm and settled and secure. I'd say 50/50 can work will if you are co parenting. It might not work well as a way of carving contact time up for people who cant communicate etc. We speak very highly of each other.

HayJkl · 18/12/2020 07:50

Most divorced couples I know leave the kids in the family home and the parents take turns staying with them. It's SO much easier on the kids and at the end of the day that's what's most important. Or maybe that's what you are trying to accomplish with the 2255? I think that would work and long as you aren't shuffling the kids back & forth between houses.

Original poster

PurpleMustang · 18/12/2020 07:53

Thank you @taskmasterfan I could work out bedore how that routine works but you explained it great. In front the the kids he is being all nice and we are going to be all harmonious but to me he is I never want to see or speak to you again. So really don't know how it is going to be yet! (He is a typical cheater turned victim)

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mocktail · 18/12/2020 07:56

15 seems pretty old to have your time scheduled like this by your parents. What do the kids want?

Scarby9 · 18/12/2020 08:01

We had friends who worked a four days mum, four days dad 50:50 split, so the days the children spent with each parent rolled forward and each parent got their 'fair share' of every week and weekend day.

We thought it was ridiculously complicated and could never work out where the kids (our godchildren) would be on any given day.

But the actual family seemed to have no problem with it. It helped that the parents lived relatively close to each other so the children got the same school bus every day (just different stops) and that both committed to supporting whatever the children chose to do. So they could accept a party invitation when with one parent for what would be the other parent's day, for example. Also, either parent would drop off or pick up anything forgotten from the other house if necessary (a flute, usually).

The kids were 8 and 10 when this arrangement started and are late twenties now, both settled down with families of their own and still close to both parents, ho are both now also settled in new relationships.

Scarby9 · 18/12/2020 08:06

Sorry - forgot to say that the kids changed houses at end of school - so got the bus to school from one house and went home to the other. On weekends they swapped at a natural transition ie after a party or playdate or after tea.

thisisnotwhatisignedupfor · 18/12/2020 08:07

My ex and I have 50/50 on a 2-2-5-5 basis, we do Mon&Tues nights with me Wed&Thurs with him and alternate Fri,Sat&Sun the change is done via school. I.e. I drop off at school on Wed morning and he then collects, this works fine for our children as we live close together and have a very amicable relationship.
My dp and his ex have 60/40 in her favour which his children fine much harder because their mother is extremely hostile.

I think the most important factor is not the days and times but how committed both you and you ex are to respecting and maintaining the children's relationship with their other parent.

Original poster

PurpleMustang · 18/12/2020 08:09

The younger one is 12. Both kids want 50/50 but not full weeks. I am trying to do it so that they have consistent days, so if want to do something on a Tuesday they know what parent to ask. And then just the weekends would be switched.

He is moving fairly close by so wanted or missing items shouldn't be an issue, driveable but not able to walk to due to roads. And should be same routine of going to school with friends.

OP posts:

ByersRd · 18/12/2020 08:16

We did start and end of school. Dropped by one parent, picked up by the other. Including a Friday night/Monday morning over the weekend.

Meant I didn't ever have to see the ex!

Aalvarino · 18/12/2020 08:24

We do changeover at school pickup. It works fine. Forgotten stuff can be an issue but as long as you both have cars it is ok. We do your contact pattern. It's not the easiest to get used to but it does have its advantages. I've heard about the nesting thing where the family home stays as the main base and parents move but personally I think it sounds hideous. And would have been financially impossible for us.

RainySaturday · 18/12/2020 08:26

The best situation I heard was a Dutch lady whose children continued to live in the family home full time and the parents moved in and out. In that way the children had the continuity and the parents were the ones who had the disruption. I think in this case, each parent had a bedsit or flat to go back to. I realise that is probably not suitable for you, OP, but maybe worth thinking about. It worked very well for my Dutch friend.

taskmasterfan · 18/12/2020 08:29

Another tip is a family google calendar.
Your kids are old enough for them to be signed up to it too. You can put the routine in. But i also used it to put all the life admin stuff id always done into their so it became a shared responsibility. Ie school trip on dads day so id attach letter to diary invite and put it on. So it was his job to remember and provide right clothes and packed lunch etc.
And if there is excessive what about this what about that messaging. You reply-check the calendar. Make sure dad gets all school emails etc not just you.

CircleofWillis · 18/12/2020 09:27

@HayJkl

Most divorced couples I know leave the kids in the family home and the parents take turns staying with them. It's SO much easier on the kids and at the end of the day that's what's most important. Or maybe that's what you are trying to accomplish with the 2255? I think that would work and long as you aren't shuffling the kids back & forth between houses.

I don't know anyone who has done this. I have heard of it in theory. Surely in the long term where there are new partners and half and step siblings this would be extremely difficult?