Can someone please help with logistics of times children move on swop days?

[PurpleMustang]

So in New Year partner is moving out and we are trying to sort best pattern for children to swop houses etc.
If people do a 2-2-5-5 what days and times do the children change or other patterns. The 4/3 ones. I don't know if there is anything set in stone online by any government site or agency but I don't know best it works. Thanks

Yes as a PP said it's not so much the schedule as the attitudes. But that requires two committed parents.

If one parent is controlling then have as rigid a pattern as possible, with as few contact points as possible.

We've had 5:2 pattern, at mine Sat eve - Thur morning / afternoon if in holidays/lockdown, for years. Everyone knew where they were every week. We had the facility in the court order for each parent to have a whole weekend 'on' or 'off' every couple of months, but this proved quite tricky to negotiate and organise.

We have a friend who did 50:50 and they swapped always on a Wednesday and then at the weekend it must have altered every other weekend, so, sat morning one week, sat evening the next.

The whole parents moving in and out is a bit hair shirt isn't it? Like a kind of penance for having the temerity to separate. And generally only an option for people with low housing costs and/ or lots of money.

@ByersRd haha least that does have a benefit of not having to see him

@thisisnotwhatisignedupfor thank you, yes yours sounds similar to what I had planned. I am trying my best to work this to be as easy for the kids as possible but all his ideas have been bizarre and not thought through as best for the kids. But he has done very little of the hard work parenting and doesn't think these things through. Has been the fun parent. It is going to be a big adjustment for him to learn to actually parent and run a house so am trying my best to make it smooth for the kids.

Try to do the school drop off collect, minimising contact is always good🙂

@taskmasterfan yes thank you, we did already have a calendar for us as he worked away but have now added the kids on so they know when sports training/matches/activities are but would add in the routine so they can check on where they are if they have a weekend thing to do.

We do 50/50 - we do one week on one week off. Children still at primary school and hand over Fridays after school. We sometimes shuffle dates for holidays and it works well for us, but we are around the corner from each other. Children know they are always welcome in either home and they are happy with the routine.

I have only recently heard of the nesting (kids staying and parents swopping). While I can see how it would benefit children staying put, I can see it would only work if the parents were very amicable and respect of the spaces, ie cleaned up after themselves. But as others have said I think it could only work until one parent got a live in partner.

I'd say that after school was a natural transition time but school holidays might warrant a different time like lunchtime or after breakfast depending on what your kids have going on
eg sport training

We did 4-3-3-4. Kids were always at mine Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights and always at his Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights and we alternated Saturdays giving us alternate weekends. On Wednesdays they each packed a bag before they went to school and during the day I took those down to their dad's while he was at work (they had pyjamas etc. in both houses so this was books, toys, anything special they wanted). I work from home and he stayed in the marital home and we both stayed in the same village. They went back to his after school on Wednesday. If it was my Saturday, I picked the younger two up at 9 in the morning for an activity they did and the eldest (teen) would wander round to mine in the afternoon after a leisurely late breakfast/lunch with dad. If it wasn't my Saturday, I picked them up at 4 on Sunday afternoon.

We had mediation to sort out the divorce details and the mediator was very good at helping with all the arrangements and the kids also had an opportunity to talk to the mediator in confidence about their wishes/feelings. This resulted in the mediator telling us that the eldest wanted to stay at mine for 6 weeks prior to GCSEs.

Via the mediator later on we tweaked it so youngest came back to me after school on Fridays when they would otherwise have been alone in the house (only one left at primary) for some one-to-one time with me and walked down to his once he was back from work. We'd watch a film and I'd work in the evening instead. As eldest got older they would sometimes decide to sleep at dad's for time with him. Middle one would pop in to see me when out on runs as a teen. So within the system there was flexibility as needs changed.

6 years later they are all living at mine because some of his parenting turned out less than adequate but he cooks dinner for them every other night. I do sometimes wish I'd done it differently but they have a good relationship with both of us and never being more than 4 nights away meant I was able to notice and step in when things went pear-shaped at his end.

Thanks for this thread - it's so helpful. I'm about to split and plan to do something similar to you RosamundGarth. Sounds like you've done a great job of parenting. I'm going to use a Google calendar too.

I will be very surprised if such pattern works in the long run with children of that age. Teens need a base, moving back and forth all the time is disruptive to them, their friendships and their studies.

I would start with that pattern on the previso that it is not written in stone and that it will be reviewed in 2 months paying attention to the children’s views. Bear in mind that such pattern would be easier during lockdown but it can turn into a proper nightmare once schools re open.

It really depends on your family and your situation, so what looks complicated to others may be just what your kids need.

We considered bird nesting initially (when the kids stay in the house) but the moment passed and we have currently got my ex living a 3min walk away. We prefer fixed days, so we have Sun night, Monday with me. Tues, Weds with him, Thus, Fri me and Saturday night with him. The weekend is flexible, so we hand over late afternoon but could change it if we're away or want to take them away. This works for now as they're fairly young(6,8), attached to both parents, live close by, us parents get on well and it's lockdown. We'll see how it goes with school in the routine eventually, and when we actually have weekend plans!

On what do you base your opinion @KarmaNoMore? I’m curious.

@Febo24 I think living close by will help. I’m going to be living 10mins from my ex in the same neighbourhood.

Yes we live ten mins also
No change to friendships, sports or schools
Just takes a bit of basic organisation
I find the people with the strongest opinions against it are the ones with no direct experience
They have two bases and one tiny bag that goes with them with special toy that we can't duplicate