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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do I get custody with no money?

50 replies

Meandmythreebubs · 10/12/2020 20:26

Hi all

I am having an absolute nightmare and I could really do with a bit of moral support and possibly advice.

I am in such a complicated scenario! I'm pregnant with my third baby and my husband doesn't want it. I will hate him if he makes me have a termination - which I won't, and is what he wants. He can't force me, and I can't force him to accept it, which he says he won't.

Looking ahead, I'm worried about how I get out, he will fight me every step of the way and neither of us have any money. We both work part time and earn 1k a month each- me because I've always worked part time so I can look after the kids and him because he got made redundant from. His full time job during covid and to be frank, UC tops him up a bit so he sees no need to work more. This is something that really bothers me but he says why should he keep working full time as he always has whilst I get to be part time. The Universal Credits top up and Child benefit goes into his account.

How would I be able to get the children a majority of the time? And if we agreed to 50/50, would he still keep the benefits etc? I am so worried about how on earth I'll survive - I know full well that he will want the children (the existing two, not the one I'm pregnant with!!) 50% of the time as a minimum and so he'll keep any additional help, if he can. I'll be moving out as I need a bigger house so he'll still be here in our two bed. So if he's claiming for them then I can't, and I'll just have my income from employment, which won't even cover rent. What gives me any additional right as a mother??!

I know this comes across so cold but I'm trying to think practically so I don't think about how upset I am. I can't believe he is reacting like this, I knew he'd not be jumping for joy but I thought he'd come round.

I'm also in a joint IVA (which I didn't want) which is going to make it even harder to private rent (extortionate round here, £1k for a basic 3bed) but I'm not eligible for council housing as my name's on our tenancy so I legally have a home.

What a mess 😭

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 10/12/2020 21:14

Can you say he’s become verbally and financially abusive and therefore you intend to leave him under that guise? The council would be obligated to help if you were fleeing potential domestic violence- could you say you think real harm will come to your unborn baby or you either now or when it arrives? Sorry that I don’t know about the benefits side but perhaps that helps housing. Have you spoken to any women’s charities?

Dyrne · 10/12/2020 21:25

Type everything into entitledto.org.uk to see how much you could claim benefits-wise if you were claiming alone.

The child benefit goes straight to you as the mother usually; plus even if he didn’t want custody of the baby you can still claim child maintenance from him.

Play around with a few different financial scenarios - for example whether you could claim more help with childcare and increase your hours at work, vs how that would affect your benefits payment. Also consider if he does go for 50:50 custody that makes you only responsible for childcare for your Days so that saves you some cash.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/12/2020 21:31

@LouiseTrees

Can you say he’s become verbally and financially abusive and therefore you intend to leave him under that guise? The council would be obligated to help if you were fleeing potential domestic violence- could you say you think real harm will come to your unborn baby or you either now or when it arrives? Sorry that I don’t know about the benefits side but perhaps that helps housing. Have you spoken to any women’s charities?
If she isn't experiencing DV this would be a very wrong thing to do.

OP you need to end the tenancy in your current property if you can and look for somewhere for you and the 3 kids. Do you have family who could help in the meantime?
You need to end the joint UC claim and claim as a single person. I know that you won't get anything extra for the third child but I'm not sure what happens if he ends up keeping the UC for the older two, I think you could then claim for the baby.
You also need to try to earn more money somehow. Easier said than done.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 10/12/2020 21:32

As fir the Court applications, you can get help with Court Fees if you are on a low income or tax credits and organisations like Rights of Women offer free legal advice.

RunningFromInsanity · 10/12/2020 21:34

Do not lie about domestic violence ffs.
Why should he not get 50/50?

Original poster
Meandmythreebubs · 10/12/2020 22:01

My husband is domineering but he's definitely not abusive, so I don't have grounds to be housed, I've always private rented so that's what I'm looking at now. I expect to have the children 50/50 and as much as I'd love them more, there isn't a reason why we can't share - what I'm worried about it really is losing them, and not being the main care giver. We both work school hours and earn the same amount so he can easily argue custody and that's what I'm worried about, especially as he's the one in receipt of child benefit etc.

I suppose what I'm really worried is that I end up on my own with the baby and not my two children, because he claims our entitlement, parents 50% and works the same amount as me (slightly less hours) and surely I can't just tell them to now put it in my account because I want them to!!!

I am looking at trying to earn more, there aren't more than my 22hrs available at work so it's not easy and if anything won't that go against me if I have less time to take care of them!! My family are 4 hours away, and although they've always supported me and my dad's been a guarantor before, he's been made redundant so wouldn't be eligible to now despite being secure.

I will contact my agency and find out about coming off the tenancy so that I am free to rent elsewhere. I can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meandmythreebubs · 10/12/2020 22:03

I didn't mean he shouldn't have them 50% of the time... (aside from the fact he'll be leaving the third with me watching the other two go off 😢) what I mean is how do I become the primary care giver.

OP posts:
auberJohn · 10/12/2020 22:18

@LouiseTrees, your suggestion is criminal if not true, destroy the relationship the children have with their father and probably have long-term consequences on the children. It will increase acrimony between the parents.

Moreover, it wastes the time and resource allocated by authorities for genuine DV / abuse victims.

I despair.

LouiseTrees · 10/12/2020 22:28

I wasn’t insulting saying it if untrue but if she stay where she is then it very well could go that way. He could very easily become both emotionally and financially abusive if he doesn’t want the baby. I agree it’s a leap to physically from there but I wanted to put it out there. It’s good to hear from the OP that she’s not in that situation though.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/12/2020 22:30

@Meandmythreebubs

I didn't mean he shouldn't have them 50% of the time... (aside from the fact he'll be leaving the third with me watching the other two go off 😢) what I mean is how do I become the primary care giver.
If you're sharing care then there isn't a primary care giver as such? You'll be sharing it. Financially if he's got the child benefit he's unlikely to hand it over so unless he agrees you won't get UC for the older children.
LouiseTrees · 10/12/2020 22:35

I think that’s her point Villanelle that she needs to get the UC for them in order to actually feed/keep them with her. Shouldn’t he be the one to move though rather than you would be my point, he got you pregnant and he’s opting out. Like your older two would at some point surely ask why he doesn’t ever see the youngest.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/12/2020 22:41

@LouiseTrees

I think that’s her point Villanelle that she needs to get the UC for them in order to actually feed/keep them with her. Shouldn’t he be the one to move though rather than you would be my point, he got you pregnant and he’s opting out. Like your older two would at some point surely ask why he doesn’t ever see the youngest.
Well she can't unfortunately - not if they share care Morally perhaps he should move out but practically speaking she's the one who wants to leave so she will probably need to. I'm not sure what the H thinks would happen if she doesn't move out and has a baby he refuses to acknowledge Hmm but he has every right legally to stay. Unless of course OP ends the tenancy by serving notice, which either party can do.
LouiseTrees · 10/12/2020 22:45

Ohhh twist, she could do that re ending tenancy but I dont think that would go down well. But would be very interesting. Honestly I’d probably stay, be stoic as hell and let him stew and not acknowledge the kid. Because as I say he’d eventually have to leave of his own accord or end the tenancy.

Jenifirtree · 10/12/2020 22:45

Surely recusing to have anything to do with one child and favouring the other two is emotional abuse?

LouiseTrees · 10/12/2020 22:58

I think it is Jen

Embracelife · 10/12/2020 23:10

If you 50 50 you claim for two he claims for one?

Saz432 · 10/12/2020 23:20

Definitely look at the calculator on Entitled To, and see what the situation is. The fact that the child benefit goes to his bank account should not have any bearing on custody decisions.

I think that if he doesn’t want the baby then he needs to leave. The baby will be in with you for a while anyway so you may need a bigger house later but I wouldn’t be trying to move out pregnant with two children. I would tell him you’re keeping the baby, and he can either stay and treat all his children equally or leave. I don’t think the fact that he will only wants custody of two of his three children would look favourably on him in a custody case to be honest.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 10/12/2020 23:23

@Jenifirtree exactly, it feels like emotional abuse to me the way he’s behaving.

If he that desperately didn’t want another child, then why didn’t he a vasectomy

Stonecrop · 10/12/2020 23:38

Op coercive control is now a crime, not sure if it falls under DV

HosannainExcelSheets · 11/12/2020 08:00

Coercive control is domestic abuse, but you can't tell from just these posts if there really is coercive control.

Practical steps you can take: put in a rival claim for CB; end the joint UC claim and claim for yourself. If he complains or refuses to pay half of what he's getting into your account, that is financial abuse.

Keep records, like a diary. Put in lots of details. Go see citizens advice and see what you can do about moving out.

CodenameVillanelle · 11/12/2020 08:30

Coercive control is a criminal offence but it's REALLY difficult to evidence and prosecute.
There is a paper thin line between an abuser and an arsehole but there is one. The OP's husband is definitely an arsehole but we don't know if he's an abuser from what she's said.
Having said that, it's worth calling your local DV service helpline and talking it through

dontdisturbmenow · 11/12/2020 08:30

What a sexist thread. HE got her pregnant HE should have had a vasectomy HE should move, HE should hand over all the benefits, HE should go and work FT.

We have no idea at all as to the circumstances behind the pregnancy. For all we know, OP begged him for another child, he said no because of their financial situation, OP told him not to worry when he voiced concerned about contraception, saying she had the implant, but then had it removed without telling him. We don't know and even if there was some truth behind it, I doubt OP would own up to it.

Ultimately, OP is taking the unilateral decision to have the baby against his wishes she needs to accept the consequences of that decision. Her children are perfectly entitled to see their father 50% of the time.

The fact that she is a woman and decided to go ahead with a pregnancy he didn't want doesn't give her every right to control everything to suit her at his detriment.

I do hope though that in time, he'll come to accept the baby as it would be very sad otherwise.

Deathgrip · 11/12/2020 10:31

@dontdisturbmenow

What a sexist thread. HE got her pregnant HE should have had a vasectomy HE should move, HE should hand over all the benefits, HE should go and work FT.

We have no idea at all as to the circumstances behind the pregnancy. For all we know, OP begged him for another child, he said no because of their financial situation, OP told him not to worry when he voiced concerned about contraception, saying she had the implant, but then had it removed without telling him. We don't know and even if there was some truth behind it, I doubt OP would own up to it.

Ultimately, OP is taking the unilateral decision to have the baby against his wishes she needs to accept the consequences of that decision. Her children are perfectly entitled to see their father 50% of the time.

The fact that she is a woman and decided to go ahead with a pregnancy he didn't want doesn't give her every right to control everything to suit her at his detriment.

I do hope though that in time, he'll come to accept the baby as it would be very sad otherwise.

Ah, another contrary post from you - what a shocker. “What a sexist thread”, followed by a barrage of misogyny.

I don’t know where this narrative of “tricking men into getting you pregnant” comes from - they can have a vasectomy, or use adequate protection, or abstain entirely - if you ejaculate inside a vagina there’s a strong chance pregnancy will follow. They have two children already so this should not be a surprise.

And frankly, any man who would want 50/50 custody of two out of his three children is not someone I would be defending. He made a decision to have unprotected sex - these are the consequences of his actions. OP isn’t making a decision - she’s continuing without taking action. She’s the one who will have to endure pregnancy and birth and then raise a child without his input - she can’t just walk away. Abortion is not a trivial matter for many women and OP feels she cannot do this. This is a direct result of his decisions.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/12/2020 10:36

He can't argue 50/50 care if he is leaving one child with you- that tilts it and so he would need to pay some maintenance and I think you can claim the child credit etc on that basis.

You need to get advice though. Is he financially controlling? The IVA doesn't sound good.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/12/2020 10:47

Ah, another contrary post from you - what a shocker
Because that's how most posts here go. Then women are surprised when their views are not supported in court!

I am not saying that OP tricked her husband. I am saying we don't know. Yet it's immediately assumed that he is in the wrong and should pay for everything.

He made a decision to have unprotected sex - these are the consequences of his actions
This is exactly what I'm talking about. If a man is married with a woman who is protecting herself, then he is protecting himself by proxy. What married man insists on using condoms when married for years? This is ridiculous.

It's also ironic how you mention that there are consequences to his actions. That is the case, but spies to OP too.

They both have simar rights. There is no reasons why OP should have more because she's a woman and mum. The courts won't see it like that.

As OP says it's a mess so the best way forward is to work together trying to let anger take over but ultimately, everyone is going to lose out somehow.