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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

What do you do about Christmas ?

37 replies

Scaryprospects · 02/12/2020 21:02

It’s first year since properly separated (we had separated last year but tolerated each other on the day)

There is no formal agreement so we need to negotiate one ourselves. The thought of not seeing DD is killing me. What does everyone else do?

OP posts:
HappyGoLucky81 · 02/12/2020 21:50

Hi, my ex and I seperated 15 months ago...divorced finalised last month. Last year he came over Christmas day and didn't really bother as was with his new girlfriend etc. This year we have agreed (literally this evening) that I have Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day and "they" have them for evening and boxing day and next year we flip it.

I completely understand where you're coming from as I have been fearing this convo all year tbh. I do believe that it should be shared for the kids (no matter how much I want to tantrum and tell him to f off) it will also give you time to yourself and relax after all the stress.

Hopefully you both can come to some sort of agreement for your dd xxxxxx

millymollymoomoo · 02/12/2020 22:27

I think it depends on how old your dd is

Most children don’t like splitting the day in half I don’t think so it’s better to alternate

Can you and ex still spend the day together at all ?

unicornsarereal72 · 03/12/2020 06:56

We split the day at 2pm. My youngest loves it. Th children wake up here. So far (this is the fourth year). As he does so little parenting he hasn't changed it. My eldest is non contact. I had expected to do alternate Christmas. As that is fair. But so far it has worked out this way.

Original poster
Scaryprospects · 03/12/2020 07:44

To be honest I always wanted to be amicable about Christmas and birthdays and put DD first. But this year has become so strained i just can’t see it working without an atmosphere. He barely says two words to me these days.

DD is 4. It’s all in my court as usual to discuss and negotiate. I just don’t know what to suggest. His family doesn’t really celebrate on Christmas Day, more Boxing Day but it’s the Christmas Eve part I’m struggling with

OP posts:
noideawhatusernametochoose · 03/12/2020 09:15

Would it work that he has your DS for a while on Christmas Eve then back to you, and then has him for Boxing Day with his family?

ElfDragon · 03/12/2020 09:27

How old is your dd?

How is her relationship with her dad? I know you said it has become strained between you, but that doesn’t mean your dd feels the same.

I alternate Christmas with ex. Last year was first year apart, and the dc were with me for Christmas, going to ex’s day after Boxing Day for 4/5 days. This year they are going to his on 23rd, until 28th. They are all apprehensive about going(ex has a history of insisting on suddenly doing new routines/traditions, without really considering that the existing ones aren’t ‘my’ traditions/routines, but things which have grown up over the years because the dc like them) but want to give it a go. Middle dc is virtually no contact, and this Christmas may well be the final nail in the coffin, but that’s up to ex.

We will have our ‘Christmas’ the week after when they com me back home - they are all old enough to understand this. It’s not the same, of course, but it is important to try to support their relationship with their father (which is completely separate from my relationship - or lack thereof - with him)

Otter71 · 03/12/2020 22:20

Well this is the first year since separating that I haven't worked Xmas day. So much easier to just move Xmas and let him have the real day. Da 19 is working but may drop around before or after. Dc15 is complicated but I think I may have her Xmas day but lose 2 normal contact days in return. If not I will probably just treat it as a normal day off. Good luck whatever you negotiate.

loutypips · 03/12/2020 22:27

Dd is always with me for Xmas. And usually for new year's too.
Ex-h works shifts and so hardly ever has both off. I'm dreading him asking to have her on Xmas day - we've been separated since dd was tiny so he's only actually spent a couple of Xmas days with her.

HosannainExcelSheets · 04/12/2020 07:22

I think fixation on a specific date, rather than having a good time celebrating Christmas on a day, over the school Christmas holiday, is really bad for the DC.

We alternate which week of the holiday they are with each family. Last year exH had the first week including Xmas day. This year I do.

When DC are with him on 25th December my family just shift our celebration to another day. Unless you are actually very religious and the church part is important to your celebration, I don't think obsessing over celebrating on 25th is important.

GentlemanJay · 05/12/2020 12:04

When I divorced I had to accept I would have to play second fiddle on Christmas Day to my exes family and their routine of the last 30 years. The children like it so I'm not going to argue. I do get to see my children for an hour in the morning and they come in the evening and stay. The bit in the middle I have no say in and never will.

midnightstar66 · 05/12/2020 12:18

I have dc Xmas eve although in non covid years they sometimes go to their dads for the afternoon and come back just before bed. I have them Xmas day - they want to stay and build their Lego etc and play with their toys here not rush off somewhere else. They go to their dads house on Boxing Day and have a second Xmas day with his girlfriend and her youngest son - she has quite a large family so it probably wouldn't suit to have them at hers on Xmas day. Then they stay there for a few nights then back to me for the remainder of the holidays. Works well and hoping it can continue.

Hattifatteneners · 05/12/2020 12:24

We are a year separated so this is the first Xmas. DC 6&4.
They are with me Xmas Eve and then exH will come over on Xmas day morning to watch them open father Christmas presents (which we have sort of bought jointly) then we will give them individual presents from ourselves (again agreed a budget and discussed so one parent isn't buying a lot more than the other).
Then he will go off and I will spend the rest of the day with them with my family and he will pick them up on boxing Day for a couple of days.
I am silently dreading it just because it's been a tough year and I never thought I would even be considering these sorts of logistics a year ago. But there has been no arguments or silliness about it, so hopefully the DC will have a nice Xmas.

Original poster
Scaryprospects · 05/12/2020 14:13

It just hurts a lot. I keep questioning whether I’m doing the right thing. I never thought it would be this difficult. I just keep thinking I’m being so selfish wanting to separate

OP posts:
Hattifatteneners · 05/12/2020 16:34

I am discovering that Xmas is bringing up a lot of the hurt from last year. And you have to have a plan in place, so you have to think about it.
With regards to your separation you must've had a real reason to wish to separate. How has it been in the year since? I wonder whether the stress of Xmas is making you feel guilty and clouding your feelings a little?
As some other posters have alluded to, Christmas is just one day. It will be whatever you make of it and as your DC grow up they will get to have 2 Christmases. Maybe don't put so much focus on the specific days and see it more as a holiday over a couple of weeks?

Takethewinefromtheswine · 05/12/2020 16:42

A few hours once a year is not worth staying in a bad relationship for. Dd goes to her father's the day before Christmas eve and comes back the day after Boxing Day when it's his year. It was horrible when she was little because of the Father Christmas stuff, but as I'm not a Christian, it is just a day so doesn't matter really. Her birthday is more important to me.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 05/12/2020 16:47

We used to alternate Christmas and boxing day. Then he didn't have them for a couple of years as it "wasn't convenient". One year his wife decided to kick them out half way through the day. So he can get fucked if he thinks he's having them for Christmas any more. He does fuck all for them all year anyway.

LittleBrownBaby · 05/12/2020 16:49

One parent has Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. The other Christmas dinner and Boxing Day. Then switch.

KarmaNoMore · 05/12/2020 17:07

IME trying to split the “bank holidays” was awful, nobody enjoyed any day because everything had to be cut short or interrupted to ferry the kids to one house or the other, which also upset them as they were having a good time.

So we moved to split the Christmas holidays in half, with week of Christmas spent with mum/dad in alternate years.

It was much better, honest. We both were able to travel to see our respective families and DS had a great time (and two holidays, we did Christmas twice ).

Rustyman · 16/12/2020 11:41

My ex wife and I split in May 2018. The first Christmas we carried on as more both going to each others parents. We get on reasonably well.
Last year my ex had them Xmas eve and Xmas day. I went over to hers in the morning to open presents and left. I collected them boxing day morning. This year we have agree that she will have them Xmas eve and bring them to mine Xmas morning. I will drop them at hers Boxing day. Luckily we only live about 5 miles from each other.

crochetcrazy1978 · 16/12/2020 12:08

We do the same each year. Christmas Eve they are with me in the morning and we always have a fancy cooked breakfast and decorate a gingerbread house. They go to dad mid afternoon Xmas Eve and come back to me about 11 on Xmas day. Dad may then also have them for a few hours on Boxing Day.

The first year I was really upset that I didn't get to do the mince pie out for Santa Xmas Eve boxes etc, and it was odd waking up on the day without them there. It's been 8 years now since we've split and I've made new traditions now which I enjoy. So Xmas Eve night me and my second husband watch a movie and I work out the plan for cooking the dinner. Then on the day dh makes me breakfast in bed then we open our presents. It makes a nice chilled start to the day.

Original poster
Scaryprospects · 16/12/2020 12:46

Thanks for all your replies it’s given me some thinking.

I really don’t know what to do. He just keeps saying he hasn’t thought about it and not willing to make plans. It’s driving me mad

OP posts:
Redkatagain · 16/12/2020 18:00

At this stage, refusing to commit is unfair for everyone.

Sorry if I missed it, but I didn't see how old DC are. They will be wondering what is going on and where they will be.

I would offer one last chance to agree, with a deadline. If no agreement is reached by the deadline, decide what you want to do and inform him. If he doesn't like it, tough. DSC lives full time with us. Her mum refused to discuss so we set a deadline of 15th Nov ( distance means hotel) booked as she moved 200 miles away)
She ignored the deadline so we sorted what we wanted and told her. She was furious but we just went grey rock, so if she doesn't turn up to collect DSC it's a bonus for us. ( but sad for DSC- who ultimately needs to come first)

Spritesobright · 16/12/2020 18:42

My ex and I alternate Christmas day with handover Christmas day evening. So last year he had them Christmas Eve and day then I had them in the evening and then boxing day. We will swap next year.
I was dreading it but had a fantastic xmas with my current partner just drinking champagne, cooking, eating, interspersed with some frolicking inspired by my sexy xmas present.

This year we will have both sets of kids (his and mine) and I expect it to be different but just as enjoyable. No daytime sex unfortunately, but so be it 😂

Starlight39 · 16/12/2020 18:50

We have ended up with DS (now 8) going to ex for a couple of hours on Christmas eve then comes back and stays with me overnight and I keep him on Christmas day until 4pm. Then he goes to his Dad and stays overnight, for all of boxing day and usually boxing day night. It works for us as I have a big family so DS gets a big family Christmas (not this year obvs!) and then some quieter time in the evening with his Dad. I think it has also been nice for DS that he knows the routine each year.

It partly depends how close you live as to how easy it is to shuffle back and forth.

unicornsarereal72 · 16/12/2020 20:46

Last year I chased the children's father for some commitment. It came Christmas Eve morning. I'll pick up at 12. Not specifying which day so was confused. Eventually got to speak to him and said that he doesn't get to dictate the plans this close to the day. And will fit in with the plans we have.

This year I've not chased him. The children are free from 2pm Christmas Day until 2pm Boxing Day. If he wants to see them. Otherwise we are busy with family who actually give a shit.

I would give him a day/time that works for you then you all know where u stand.

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