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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Shared custody different countries

43 replies

Ponti · 10/11/2020 09:53

Me and my soon to be ex husband decided to divorce, amicable as it can be we just grew apart and are no longer happy together. However we do have a 7 month old baby.
From the beginning I was adamant that we should have 50/50 custody as I wanted both of us to be part of her life. However he now wants to move to a different country... we talked about baby spending alternated months in each country but I am know doubting this option...
putting aside the fact that I don’t want to spend a full month without being with my baby, I am more concerned about her development... does anyone have any experience with shared custody for such long periods of time in different geological areas that they wouldn’t mind sharing?
TIA x

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 10/11/2020 09:57

Absolutely not. ABSOLUTELY. NOT.

ZolaGrey · 10/11/2020 09:57

No experience but I can't see how this would work. If you're splitting and have a tiny child one parent can't just suddenly decide to leave the country and expect the child to fly back and forth all the time, especially when there are so many travel restrictions.

Even if it was sustainable, it would fall flat on its face as soon as the child started school.

Unfortunately when we have kids we have to make some sacrifices and leaving the country when your baby is small and expecting the resident parent to accommodate such an enormous logistical nightmare.

ukgift2016 · 10/11/2020 09:58

Don't agree to that!

Why is he moving out of the country?

TotoroPotoro · 10/11/2020 09:58

That sounds like a horrible arrangement for your child and fails to put their best interests at heart. Also completely impractical for when they go to school.

I can't imagine any court would agree to this if you took it there to contest.

Have you seen a solicitor about access?

EvilPea · 10/11/2020 10:00

No.
School and friends. They need a home and to feel settled. They will never feel they belong.
I realised very quickly with mine, their life is not my life, They are not an extension of me, but their own being that I support and allow to grow.

ReefTeeth · 10/11/2020 10:01

I genuinely can't see how this could ever work. What happens with schooling?

Why would you want to consider a whole month without seeing your DC 🤯

Painsnail · 10/11/2020 10:04

At such a young age, I think you're probably setting your child up for a life time of attachment issues with that plan.

Greysparkles · 10/11/2020 10:07

How far away are these countries? Are you on the border one side and him the other? Or are we talking hours flights away?

Fantasisa · 10/11/2020 10:11

Also there is a very real risk he could refuse to return your child to you. Do NOT agree to this.

MinimumChips · 10/11/2020 10:11

That would be terrible for your child especially at her age. As she gets older she’ll start to form relationships and then preschool, school, activities like swimming lessons. It would be awful and completely impractical long term, aside from the psychological impact on your child.

Which country is he moving to? What if he decides he wants full custody while your child is with him and the courts in his country support him?

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 10/11/2020 10:13

I don't see how this could possibly ever work. Unless the 2 countries are side by side and you both live near the border.

Inpeace · 10/11/2020 10:14

Sounds like you are trying to be fair to each other and have your baby half time each.

This is the wrong starting point really but an easy mistake to make.

Start from your baby what does she need?

At this point in child development she needs a strong primary attachment (- I think others may correct if I’m wrong.)

Anyhow the principal need to be based on what baby/child needs. The adults fit around that.

wishfull888 · 10/11/2020 10:14

My DH exW moved to a different country when their child was

Annasgirl · 10/11/2020 10:16

DO NOT under any circumstances agree to this. Where is he moving to? Initially I thought one of you lived in England and the other in Scotland or something but reading your post, it seems as if he is moving far away?

You really need to clarify where he is moving to and where you currently live, in order for people to properly advise.

marvellousmaplesyrup · 10/11/2020 10:18

I cannot emphasise to you how damaging this arrangement for your child would be. Please do not even consider it!!

Even if you don't consider the child's mental well-being, no school would allow you to have that type or arrangement when your child was older.

A friend of mine was in a similar position a few years ago, albeit her children were older. It was the ex DH's decision to move to another country, and he did so accepting that it would mean he wouldn't be able to see the children as much. They went over to see him during some school holidays (not all as fairly long flights were involved) and he used to come home back 4/5 times a year to see them.

If your ex DH wants to move to another country, he needs to understand that this would mean he would only see his child a few times a year.

calllaaalllaaammma · 10/11/2020 10:20

Also there is a very real risk he could refuse to return your child to you. Do NOT agree to this

Absolutely this. You need to find out your legal position as if your ex decided somewhere down the line to keep the child in their home country you may have no legal right to bring the child home.
At the moment the legal advantage is in your favour.

sofato5miles · 10/11/2020 10:20

I am in the middle of a divorce where we both live in the same country overseas. We have a child court order that states if one parent moves to another country the other parent has rights over all school holidays other than alternate christmasses.

Obviously ours are older but your ex is leaving so i would argue that baby just stays with ypu and he can visit during his holidays at this stage

Original poster

Ponti · 10/11/2020 10:23

Countries are short of 2h flight.
He says that he wants to leave because he doesn’t want to be alone in this country (he is also quitting his job because he is unhappy).
We talked about this arrangement for a short term and to be review once school started but as some said i am worried about her emotional development now

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 10/11/2020 10:30

My neighbour was told the recommendations for shared custody of a small child is a few hours a few days a week, building up to full days when they're 1-2yrs and overnights after that. No overnights for babies, and DEFINITELY not weeks away from Mum at a time. That is not in the child's best interest, at all. I'm shocked you're even considering it.

averythinline · 10/11/2020 10:31

I think this will be very poor for her emotional development - and could lead to real attachment issues... for very young babies building up consistency is key - often non rp parents only have a couple of hours ......maybe getting to whole days at toddlers..

I suggest you both look into this... he may not want to stay but this is the childs home ...

in some respects moving away would be easier when the child is older / at school as they could do longer stays..

the consequences of poor boinding and early attachment issues can impact for life....

Worldwide2 · 10/11/2020 10:35

Definitely No. If wants to move then fine but he will have to fly over and Skype as much as possible to maintain a relationship with her. Please do not consider letting her go for 'months' ect
When she is a alot older she can go on holidays there with him. But definitely not as a baby. Please say no and see a legal advisor too.

Worldwide2 · 10/11/2020 10:39

I know someone who went abroad to have a form of treatment and was away for 1 month she left her baby behind at home with all his comforts/family and familiarity.
He was very affected by not having his mum for that duration. When she came home he had developed anxiety and separation issues everytime she left, even to go upstairs.
My point is it could be very emotionally damaging to your baby. Think about her wellbeing and not his.

Newjobnewslob · 10/11/2020 10:45

I don't want to sound rude but this is not a dvd collection you're taking about shipping two hours across borders for a month at a time, its a very small child who is developing attachments every minute of the day.
Being suddenly away from its mother for a whole month, then ripped away from the fragile new connections made with the paternal family, then back again. No, there us no way on earth that will be good for a child's development.
Please make very clear to him that of he wants to play a regular part in his child's life he will need to visit your country regularly, staying in his own place, and spend snippets of time with the child then. Let him fly back and forth for a month at a time. He'll soon realise how disrupting and what huge hassle it is. It will be far far more disruptive for a child.
I wouldn't even think this level of disruption would be OK for a sensitive pot plant! Never mind a let, much less a 7 month old human.

I can only assume you're trying your best to be fair to them both, but a) you don't need to bend over backwards to be fair to him when he's choosing to move country and b) this is so far from fair to your child

Newjobnewslob · 10/11/2020 10:45

*nevermind a pet

shesgonebatshitagain · 10/11/2020 10:50

No.
Aside for the practicalities the thought of what this could do emotionally to such a young child is very distressing.

You are a mother to a baby. Seven months old.
I think what you are doing is incredibly selfish and stupid

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