Shared custody different countries

[Ponti]

Me and my soon to be ex husband decided to divorce, amicable as it can be we just grew apart and are no longer happy together. However we do have a 7 month old baby.
From the beginning I was adamant that we should have 50/50 custody as I wanted both of us to be part of her life. However he now wants to move to a different country... we talked about baby spending alternated months in each country but I am know doubting this option...
putting aside the fact that I don’t want to spend a full month without being with my baby, I am more concerned about her development... does anyone have any experience with shared custody for such long periods of time in different geological areas that they wouldn’t mind sharing?
TIA x

I have a friend who split from his ex with a baby and she moved to her home country a 2 hour flight away. I think 50-50 custody is unrealistic in the first few years at least, but both having a big role as parents is entirely doable and they made it work. Initially my friend would go to visit her and the baby, or she would come with the baby and stay with friends near him, several times a year. Once the child was about 5 he started coming independently (which meant either my friend flying over to fetch his son and then returning him, or the mum bringing him over to stay with my friend and staying with her own friends for a week or two) A little older and he came for the entire summer holidays each year, which was 6-8 weeks I think. My friend enrolled him in summer holiday clubs here for much of the time. My friend's ex was really supportive of her son spending time with his dad and also the opportunity for him to grew up bilingual. They need to be about 14 I think to fly without an adult so it does involve a big commitment from both parents to make it work.

Costs involved would be crazy. How you decide on resident country for school?

@Ponti

Countries are short of 2h flight. He says that he wants to leave because he doesn’t want to be alone in this country (he is also quitting his job because he is unhappy). We talked about this arrangement for a short term and to be review once school started but as some said i am worried about her emotional development now

This is not how a parent should behave. He needs to consider his child and their interests first.

Plenty of parents have to forgo opportunities because of child access issues. If you decide to have a child you need to accept the responsibility that the child will tie you to the other parent and a location if you split. I would say the same to a mother planning to move away for equally spurious reasons.

What about childcare if either or both of you work - how on earth would you ensure the baby is safe, happy and settled? And then uproot her again. And again.
What about friendships?
What about the baby's feelings of security, belonging, language development, consistency of healthcare provider, milestones monitoring, weaning practices, potty training, sleep preferences and patterns and so much more.
A baby needs to feel loved, safe, familiar and as though she is the centre of her caregiver's world.
Start from this point - what advantage is it to your DD?

Please google “causes of attachment disorder”. Frequent changes of care giver is right up there with abuse and mistreatment.

I don’t buy into the little abs often with dad not having overnights and weekends till their own child is 2. I know many people who moved to eow or a good mix from a young age - however, even I think this is too much and unfair on your baby.
It’s way too long to be away from either parent tbh and needs to be reconsidered !

The only case I know of this is a friend of mine who has a 9 year old dd. Her dad lived abroad. He comes over at half terms and takes her off on a holiday and she goes to him every second Christmas and for a the majority of the summer holidays. I don't know how it would work with a baby though OP sorry

Thank you Mumoftwoinprimary that actually might be a good idea to show him my point.

I do agree that this is an awful arrangement, I was looking to find if anyone had any similar experience. Thank you Firefliess for sharing your friend experience.

I wanted this to be as amicable as possible and I really want him in her life! I understand his point of being unhappy here but I have to think about what is the best for her!

I have even considered going back myself, but on top of being extremely difficult to find a job in my area if I did it would actually mean work more hours for less than half of the pay. Which mean she would just spend more time with childcare...

You are allowed to put your own needs above his in this OP.

Hard to know whether you're trying to be a 'cool wife' or are suffering from an off dynamic due to abuse from him, but his needs are not the most important in this scenario.

Baby is first, and at that age mum is second. Plus mum is you, and of course your own needs and preferences should come above your ex's.

If he leaves the country for his reasons then he has to expect some inconvenience. You should not be the one moving to where he is just to enable him and his daughter to see each other, especially if it detriment you.

Is he pushing for this or has he asked you to propose a system which is fair to you both?

As usual, I see a woman trying to fix everything for everyone. Is the man putting effort and research into this too, or is he sitting there waiting to be handed a solution which fits his life?

Of course you can't do that. Your child cannot be without her mummy for more than a few days at a time at this age. 50/50 week on/off is more usual for teenagers let alone months at a time. You'll find that he doesn't want to pay for this (who flies the baby over) . It's not what you or him want it's what's best for the child

I think I WAS trying to be a “cool ex” and understand his side. He thought that what would be fair would either be that 50/50 arrangement or me moving...

I have put by foot down and calmly explained the facts:

1. Although I am the one calling the wedding off I am not the one leaving the country and was even willing to move to any area within the uk if he was to found a new job
2. With him quitting his job I am the one that has a stable job (even within this economy!)

He has now apparently agreed for me to have custody and he would visit frequently and we would divide holidays and stuff and regular video chats. Will see... he told me that we have to write and formalize thing down so hopefully he has seen that all that travel was not going to be good for the baby

Hi OP, I have personal experience of the neverending nightmare that is international custody.

Regardless of what you've decided to do at the moment, please contact GlobalArrk, a registered charity that deals with these situations. They will give you the info you need to make an informed decision.

Thank you so much Alys20!!! Will definitely contact them

@Ponti My ex husband moved to another country although it's still within the UK so it's about a 5/6 hour drive. He moved to be with the woman he had an affair with. She wouldn't move her kids to here so he went there.

It's hard. He has them half of the school holidays. They go to his house. They didn't see him much when he first left, they were 1&2 years old, he claimed he ' needed time to establish his new life'

Anyway, 5 years later he's now wanting to be super dad albeit from a distance. He claims they have a home with him etc. So they see him alternate weekends too. One weekend a month they go to his, which is far from ideal due to the 12 hour journey within 48 hours. The other weekend (when not in lockdown) he rents a place here and they go to see him there.

I think you are in for a tough ride and I think you also need to prepare for the fact he may disappear and then demand to see her when it suits him. You really do need a formal arrangement from the start because it will come and bite you on the arse later I can promise you.

Read up about attachment issues that your baby might suffer - as pp says you should have her at the forefront of this not you two although I applaud your desire to be fair.

@Ponti

I think I WAS trying to be a “cool ex” and understand his side. He thought that what would be fair would either be that 50/50 arrangement or me moving...

I have put by foot down and calmly explained the facts:

1. Although I am the one calling the wedding off I am not the one leaving the country and was even willing to move to any area within the uk if he was to found a new job
2. With him quitting his job I am the one that has a stable job (even within this economy!)

He has now apparently agreed for me to have custody and he would visit frequently and we would divide holidays and stuff and regular video chats. Will see... he told me that we have to write and formalize thing down so hopefully he has seen that all that travel was not going to be good for the baby

The judgements and outrage on here really don't help. I used to be in your OH's situation but am female so I got.... judgements and outrage (from people who knew f+++ all about such situations; the ones who did know were supportive and understanding, I hope you find those people). Sounds like he feels miserable and isolated, this will have been made a lot worse by the Covid situation.

Frequent visits/calls from him are the way forward for your baby; if he puts the effort in, your child will not have attachment issues. From what you say he doesn't sound unreasonable, so get it all in writing and legally binding, best of luck.

Hello,

I am going through a similar situation. My ex wants our child 50/50 between 2 countries. It is currently in court. I fled back to my birth home after leaving a difficult relationship with our child. I made some safeguarding concerns to court which have been investigated and my ex has admit to things but never to the full extent. However, my ex is very believable and I feel even the professionals do not see it.

I know it isn’t in our young child's best interests to be shared between an ocean. I am worried that the professionals are going to side with my ex partner as I’ve been told she’s lost attachments because of the situation. I have never stopped him seeing our child yet the blame I feel is being put onto me.

I feel I am going to have to let our child live with my ex predominately because I can not see our child be constantly put back on forth on a plane.

@Hopeful1234567 Hi how old is your child and did you leave a country that is under the haige convention?
Do you have any evidence of your exes behaviour regarding safe guarding concerns? How long have you been in your home country now?