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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

We’re still under same roof but he’s dating...

30 replies

somebodyoutthere · 29/10/2020 18:54

Separated for 7 weeks now but stbexh won’t move to his mum’s. I think he won’t move out because his mum would ask where he’s going three nights a week when he goes to see his new girlfriend. I know how lonely he must be, but do I have to put up with this? He doesn’t know I know. Should I confront him and ask him to leave the house?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 29/10/2020 18:57

How do you know he's dating?

Original poster
somebodyoutthere · 29/10/2020 19:06

I found letters from her.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 29/10/2020 19:07

Why don’t you leave?

Coldwinds · 29/10/2020 19:10

Do you both own the house? Do you have kids?

Original poster
somebodyoutthere · 29/10/2020 19:12

I’ve got nowhere to go. Family not nearby, can’t afford rent for 3 bedroom property, and can’t imagine not being under the same roof as the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
somebodyoutthere · 29/10/2020 19:13

Yes both own the house, two teenage children.

OP posts:
StartingGridGo · 29/10/2020 19:19

Whoever's decision it was to end the relationship, needs to leave.

Coldwinds · 29/10/2020 19:22

@StartingGridGo

Whoever's decision it was to end the relationship, needs to leave.
I agree with this.

He is taking the piss! It’s been seven weeks! I bet he was already with her when he called it a day.

Have you applied for divorce? If I would have found those letters my solicitor would have been the first person I called for advice

Original poster
somebodyoutthere · 29/10/2020 19:30

Hmmm it was sort of mutual, but me who was brave enough to raise the subject after five years of auto pilot. I’ve got the paperwork to apply for the divorce, sending it off this week.

OP posts:
lljkk · 29/10/2020 19:34

Letters? Like on paper? Confused

I dunno, you've both agreed to end it. I don't know why you feel afronted unless you think he was cheating on you before you agreed to split.

blindinglyobviouslight · 29/10/2020 19:36

I have nothing to add, but have every sympathy with this OP. You get people on here telling people to just kick out their husband/ partner - but you can't just do that! If it is the house it theirs too you can't get them to leave. It's like you say, if you can't afford a place with the kids what can you do?

Personally, I would let him see her as much as he wants and hope that it quickly progresses to the stage that he fucks off to live with her permanently.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 29/10/2020 19:36

It's shoddy manners, IMO.

You can start proceedings to sell the house before divorce, if you both agree.

Tell him you know, because it's 'just obvious' and you are not prepared for your kids to live in a weird atmosphere, so you need to separate properly, he needs to rent a flat and you need to agree to sell the house.

Unless he will agree to rent while you go through all the processes.

StartingGridGo · 29/10/2020 19:39

You decided it's over, and it's you applying for the divorce.

And you want him to move out.

and can’t imagine not being under the same roof as the children

Maybe he feels the same?

If my DH told me he wanted to separate, and was applying for a divorce, oh and by the way he also wanted me to leave my home while it all got sorted, he'd be getting told to fuck right off.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 29/10/2020 19:43

StartingGridGo - that's fair enough, BUT he has started seeing someone, which changes the dynamic somewhat. Surely you hold a household together until you can separate, tell the kids etc?

LargeProsecco · 29/10/2020 19:48

It sounds like you need financial & legal advice quickly.

Can you buy him out the mortgage? Or pay it on your own for a bit?

Could he afford to rent a flat nearby in the short term?

What do your teenagers want to do?

Perhaps the house needs to be sold & the proceeds split.

StartingGridGo · 29/10/2020 19:56

Surely you hold a household together until you can separate, tell the kids etc?

What does "holding the household together" look like exactly?

He's discreetly dating. The OP only knows because she's gone snooping and found letters.

Original poster
somebodyoutthere · 29/10/2020 20:07

I like mumsnet because it makes you think straight because of all the different unbiased perspectives. I think speeding up the separation is probably the best advice (house valuation etc), and I guess I just have to accept that it makes it easier to move on quickly.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 29/10/2020 20:29

A lot of couples have to stay in the same house while divorcing. He has the same right to stay that you do, and expect he dues to want to leave his children either
Sounds though you need to agree some ground rules though about discreetness

FrustratedC0ffeeDrinker · 30/10/2020 00:54

You can’t make him leave the house unfortunately. There may also be capital gains tax implications for him/you both if he moves out due to changes introduced to CGT in April this year. For this reason, any solicitor would probably recommend that you do not move out.

lilmishap · 30/10/2020 01:04

@StartingGridGo he is in the house with her and the kids, its been less than two months, get over the plausible deniability fantastical bullshit.

If she was saying I'm dating after 7 weeks (hullo? seriously) and he found the letters you would be telling her to fuck off out the house.

If he's had time to date (seven weeks in they're writing to each other?? when does that happen?) he's had time to move on. So he should do it.

This is cruelty. It cant be described any other way. Teenagers snoop too, especially when things change. I knew everything going on in my dads life after my mum died.

Your anger is weirdly misplaced here. Mutually agreed with a lover who is cocky enough to write to the house?

Seven weeks is fuck all. He will cause nothing but hurt by staying so I would be insisting on a plan that is executed before christmas.

lilmishap · 30/10/2020 01:05

PS you can't 'snoop' in your own house.

lilmishap · 30/10/2020 01:10

What does "holding the household together" look like exactly?

Pretending not to know dads shagging someone else
Not acting like you're as hurt as any person would be when in this situation
Putting the kids first
Not shitting on his clothes and leaving them in the garden
Not shagging someone else and expecting your (new) ex to remain reasonable
Bills, cleaning, shopping, meals, washing and letting the teens know what is coming next

This is what keeping the household together looks like.

lilmishap · 30/10/2020 01:11

It was sort of mutual. Does that mean he was treating you differently and you didn't like it?

blindinglyobviouslight · 30/10/2020 10:06

WOuld nesting be a possibility? Where the kids stay in the home and you and your husband each get a room or apartment elsewhere, and return to the home for your turn at custody of the kids? Saves the need for a three bed place each and gives the kids stability of home.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/10/2020 13:47

If you hadn't been reading things that don't belong to you you wouldn't know, so he's not doing anything wrong.